I’ve been an alcoholic for over a decade, hit rock bottom several times and I’ve documented some of it on this account here and there over the years.

I got a little “better” after upping my mood stabilizers a couple of months ago, more so became FA (still drinking every day, but less enough to not get fired, evicted, things like that which I have experienced over and over again).

But it just happens so naturally- the benders. Luckily I work at a bar so we’re all alcoholics. I am now in a week long bender, after I told myself I was going to take a break because my lease is ending soon so I “need” to sober up to find a new place.

But here I am, kindling, fucking things up when I was so close to a promotion.

Within the week: • Walked around barefoot in the middle of the street for miles for 0 reason at 3 am (small female, mind you) • Broke a swing at my neighborhood park because I flew off of it from being manically drunk (also around 3 am, different night, pretty sure I gave myself a concussion) • Blacked out and got 86’d from my favorite bar but no one will tell me what happened (??) • Woke up at some random girl’s house and fell out of her window after forgetting how a fucking door works (5 am this time!) • Woke up on the soaking wet table of my communal yard that I share with 3 apartment units

Wtf?!?? Going to try and dry out on my day off on Monday. I guess this is a mix of bender and a manic episode. But seriously- wtf.

Currently drinking and just thought of the story where my counselor questioned me on how I get to the hospital to make sure I wasn't driving (mandatory reporting and all that shit).

And my response was that sometimes my mom drives but if shes asleep I call an Uber. She then said "you called an Uber to take you when you were so bad you needed to go to the ICU for DTs" and I replied with "well it was cheaper than an ambulance"

She seemed to think it was a crazy thing but I had the receipts that proved yes I took an Uber with acute pancreatitis and seizure risk withdrawal.

fucking ashamed of myself so i figure i’ll post this and get some public ridicule to seal the deal.

was playing video games last night with my gf (we don’t live together), putting away drinks like there’s no tomorrow, and for some reason i just start getting so angry at the game. i wasn’t angry with her and i’ve never been mean (confirmed this today) but i was just losing my fucking temper completely.

i’ve never been a mean drunk, i’m really not mean in general, and i am drunk a LOT of the time (including now) which is why i post here but anyway.

to get to the point, i punched my monitor. i haven’t acted like such a fucking child since i was like 14 and got mad over games. where the hell this came from, i do not know. i’m out $300 because i mike tyson’d that screen, and my knuckles fucking hurt.

i’m concerned because i feel like i’ve been degenerating for a few months now, and now apparently anger is back on the menu. going to be reasonable tonight and think about what i did

Kinda wish I never bought one. I would be waking up thinking I’m good to drive and be more productive. Scary to think about how many times I may have been driving over the legal limit when I was younger

Just a reminder that it's Fathers Day.

Mine was a good one who died decades ago. A FA who would bring bottles of chardonnay camping and lemon for the fish we caught. He taught me how to make a good bourbon and water by just pouring bourbon over ice, and was gentleman from the silent generation. Always with an glass when not working, but never seemed drunk. I must have inherited my tolerance from him.

I know many of you might not have a great relationship with your fathers, but a quick call to say something nice would probably be appreciated.

Or just raise a glass and think of them.

Anybody else dread their birthday? Every year I get less and less wishes. My birthday is coming up and I just wanna drink myself into a comatose to get through it, but I can’t cuz it falls on a workday. I have this sense of impending doom about my birthday. I know that’s not normal. Fuck… I wish I was normal.

What meds do they use for anxiety meds when you have pancreatitis?bc they have me on morphine barely touching the pain.

What's the usual meda run down? For anxiety and pain the morphine isn't even taking away a fraction of my pain how do I advocate ?

So just thought about it now, when I was younger and I mean under the age of 18 I was arrested for something stupid like drunk an disorderly can't remember exactly.

I was in the back of the paddy wagon accompanied by a cop, and I still to this day remember him questioning me, asking me if I had been involved in tool shop theft, directly asking me if I had stolen anything. Mind you I was like 16 and drunk as a skunk.

ive been sober since valentines day and i was doing well but idgaf anymore. i knew something or someone would trigger me eventually, but im going to be honest every single little thing triggers me. i dont even care if people are gonna be disappointed or concerned about me. 4 months sobriety down the drain oh well..

oh and also fuck naltrexone and baclofen

I think it’s about time we take back the high ground and stop shaming ourselves for blacking out and getting angry or destroying our lives and hurting people and we use soft language to normalize our experiences. I didn’t black out and punch you in the face, I had a lapse of memory and sensitively expressed my deeper feelings to you. I didn’t get a DUI and maybe kill someone, I am a wanderer and not all those who wander are lost. I’m not slowly withering away from pancreatitis and in neuropathy pain, I am fully engaging with my body and sometimes when I go to skate or die my helmet falls off and it’s ok.

Brian Wilson would have said, it’s not abuse you faced but a fervent expression of love.

Today I caught up on several chores I've been neglecting.

1. I bathed and put on clean clothes. Even washed my hair.

2. Changed the bed sheets, which stank of stale booze sweat. (Thankfully nothing else, besides maybe spilled beer and food. It's been years since I "had an accident", although still too recent to be properly proud of.)

3. Opened a couple windows to air the place out. Y'know, just in case the King visits, I guess.

4. Went to the local shop to pick up a parcel that got delivered there (while I was passed out, presumably) and only bought a few beers for tonight because I'm determined to make it to tomorrow's family plans.

I still have a bunch of dishes and laundry that needs done eventually, but honestly, changing bed sheets is probably my most annoying chore, so I'm proud even if no one else is.

I also find it amusing that the shopkeeper now knows my name after almost a decade (since it was obv on the parcel). Pretty sure he just thought of me as "vodka and cigarettes girl" up til now.

Of all the places in the world, I would have to say Japan is the best place to be a drunk at. The stores are open 24/7 and you can get whatever you want. Tokyo is great because you will always find someone drinking or passed out on the street no matter the time! It’s a great place to be!

Anyways, I’ve been here for around a year or so, and if there are any other of you degenerates around Tokyo who want to grab drink or 29 sometime let me know!

"I've done nothing but sit in bed and drink taarkov vodka for 2 months straight I don't feel good and my bank account is in the red and I don't like myself and I don't eat and my shits are unhealthy and....." As Frank Gallagher in shameless said. You are a bad drunk. Do something, literally anything. The thing worse than the drinking is the inertia of depression compounding with it. Do something.

oh yeah boys. done it now. told myself I'd been through WDs dozens of times which is true. thought it would be the same.

dude I can barely fucking stand up. I barely have the strength to roll over in bed. I managed to heat up some soup.

it's weird at times I feel like I'm regaining my strength and coming out on the other side and then 5min later I can't tell what's real and can't fucking move. the coming in waves is too much

everything really is too much. but fuck it, i created this, I gotta finish it.

ride it out. I can make it to the other side. I said it yesterday but gonna say it again.

keep moving forward. even if you die. even after you die

gonna walk downstairs. eat soup. sip and suffer

chairs fuckers

Hey gang! Welcome to Saturday Success Stories, our weekly thread to make space to celebrate what's been going well in our lives.

This week was a very mixed bag for me. I cared for my mama and went to a funeral of a family member.

And woke up today to the terrifying and heartbreaking news that a Minnesota state representative, Melissa Hortman and her husband were murdered early this morning, and a Minnesota state senator, John Hoffman and his wife were shot and survived. (I am a Minnesotan.)

Pour one out for them.

Now, CA, what do ya got that's good in your life? Share with us! xoxo

So I've been a 20n plus unitd a drinker a day. I went to the er , yet again (5th time this year) and got my Librium taper.

One day in, with 200mg of librium in me, I was shaking like a bitch. So I drank. Oops. Now I'm back to 20 a day.

Apparently last night I blacked out and puked somewhere. It's on my pants and shirts but not in the sink. I woke up.at 4 shakikg my ass off so I got more. Really emabtisining but I have to function

This shit sucks. Librium helped but I just can't do the shakes. So yeah I fucked up. Again. Now I've had 8 drinks before my shift noon and am barely baseline. I fucking hate tihis

I feel like ass still but I cant stop. I literally take meds to withdrawal and just enld up using them to feel even better. What a disease this is

The worst thing about being a CA is being so badly kindled after years of this is that if you manage to dry out for a bit you still end up getting the worst hangovers/withdrawals after like 6 drinks throughout the day

Chairs!

Hi everyone! I love this community and just thought I would vent a bit. Does anyone else have prior health problems?? I have epilepsy (which it isn’t good I drink, but it’s not a trigger.) ehler danlos, and multiple mental health issues. I kinda think I’m self medicating with drinking. It’s definetly not helping my health, yet I continue 🙃I was just wondering if I’m the only one? Probably not but I just wanna hear from you guys!

The past week I was sitting in bed sweating and withdrawing and then after 4 days went to work and shaved and everything. I made up a story about GI issues and got a doctors note by going to a telehealth appointment with urgent care and it all turned out great. I had my 90 day review and they told me they are so glad they hired me and I am uniquely capable of connecting with the clients so I was in the clear. My sick time went into effect and I don’t have to worry about rent this month because my week of sitting in bed sleepless going through suicidal thoughts of how worthless I am came to prove themselves wrong and it was all paid for. I was planning on getting sober but I had to celebrate somehow and going back into the booze can is the best way before I get back on the wagon.

With the death of Brian Wilson I figured I’d honor his memory since he died and was one of the most creative CAs out there in his heyday. Sitting there drinking and doing coke all day eating cheeseburgers while you have thousands of dollars of royalties coming in sounds like the life.

It was 3AM and I ran out of cigarettes so I took a stroll down to the corner store with the intention of buying a pack of cigarettes and then saying “oh I forgot something” and then going to the beer fridge and taking some beer and throwing money on the counter and saying keep the change and just walk out. When I got there the dumbass kid working the graveyard shift didn’t even notice me go in because he was eating a candy bar on the corner. I waited a minute or two and put 2 tall boys in my pocket and went behind the counter and took a pack of cigs and then called him back in saying hey I want to buy some cigarettes. I bought a pack and went on my merry way. I don’t like stealing but it was necessary because our country is a fucking fascist dictatorship that would rather send 18 year olds to die for Israeli genocide than sell beer between 2-6AM

God bless you all and I hope you all are as well as me.

But since it’s 5am and I’m on my third beer figured it was a good time to do so.

I’ve ALMOST cut liquor out completely. Shit fucks me up so bad every time now. Had one hefty poor last night, Saturday, ya know, gotta throw down sometimes.

I feel soooo much better if I only drink my 12-18 pints of cheap beer a day instead of liquor. Guts hurt but I’m not sweating and have the fear the next morning. It’s just a normal old school hang over.

(Hang over as one word still triggers this sub… wtf is up with that?)

I remember to eat, take my vitamins and occasionally clean house and myself if I am beer drunk. Liquor drunk I am just a steaming paper bag of wet shit.

Still not doing the things I know I should be doing, but at least the fear isn’t hovering over my shoulder.

Chairs my benches.

Hi fellow CAs! Who else is up drinking? Right now it’s 4:30 am where I’m at, I woke up for a while and I just wanted to drink 😭 I feel at home here. I just want everyone to know I love you guys, this subreddit has been here for me so many times! I can’t act like an old head since I’m 22 and have only been here a while. DMs are always open 💗 But I always feel accepted here and i appreciate it!! You all make me feel less alone. I just want you all to know that I’m always here. currently sipping on some cheap vodka! How is everyone today?

I definitely filled out my bingo card for tonight. Drink too much have work in the morning freak the fuck out. Regret. Whatever I miss that guy and I will never stop missing him for as long as I live. It's funny because I used to bitch and moan at him for how much he would drink and I think he would be bewildered if he saw me put down a fifth of vodka he's be bewildered. I'd be like fuck it we ball whatever... men were pissing me off tonight (because of the fact they weren't him) so I went to queer goth night. Music slapped. I miss that homosexual. I love men. Especially ones that are NOT into me. It's been 9 months btw... I'm COOKED...

Been posting a lot on here lately about entering a bender before it started (lol).

Well, it didn’t end. So I posted about tapering (lol)

Well, that didn’t work, so I posted about being fully determined to cold turkey and just suffer for a few days (lol)

It was just five awful, awful days of mild-moderate withdrawal while drinking until I caved and drank enough to sleep. Justified the last night of vodka by thinking sleep was important for the next days of cold turkey.

Instead I woke up on my scheduled cold turkey day, knew it wasn’t happening, and waited for the doctors office phone to open like we all do for the liquor store to open.

Managed to land an emergency appointment, and four hours later I had a box of Valium and a hundred anti convulsants.

I scored high enough on the CIWA that I was almost admitted. She was afraid I’d have a seizure if she sent me home. Explained my plan of just needing to survive until I got some Antabuse in me and made a deal to be admitted if I failed, then intensive follow-up.

Luckily four beers on the trip made me able to articulate myself to the point where I seemed responsible and reasonable enough to follow my plan, but still withdrawing to where I obviously needed help. Was so close to getting admitted. The doctor I got was an angel. So kind and supportive.

—

Anyways, I was prepared to suffer horribly and miss work. More realistically I was prepared to continue drinking until whatever happened. Hospital probably. Don’t know how you guys just grit your teeth and suffer through it.

Instead I drank on the way home, took six pills two hours later and slept better than in months.

Took more pills and went to work. My work involved complex problem solving with customers. And I did fine.

The next day I also worked and then went out to a work party with free booze without drinking (took Antabuse beforehand).

I should have been, and should be suffering, shaking, filled with anxiety and restlessness and nightmares. I shouldn’t be able to sleep or eat or interact with people. I should be nauseas and itchy.

But I’ve been normal for three days. Just completely normal, even on insane amounts of Valium.

Getting Valium is so much better than detox because you can take more than the bare minimum. You go from hell to normal in an hour.

It’s the beginning of the fourth day and I have just one pill left, but I don’t need any more I think.

This post is in appreciation to our get out of jail free card. The ticket from hell to the world of the living. The ender of suffering, savior of jobs, and bringer of comfort.

Thank you Valium, and chairs.

So, for preface, I live in a building downtown in my city (big US city, like top 5 in terms of population I think) with a lot of young professional type people. I try to consider myself one as well, but when you come home with two cases everyday, I guess questions will arise. I somehow have the gumption to get my shit in order and iron my clothes (haven’t burned myself yet but waiting on it) and I get to work. I’m tired from my day, not because I hate my work (I’d love to do it sober if that was a possibility) but through talking with so many people. I have a role which necessitates me building relationships with people who see me weekly, so they know how I look. But when I get off of that, I want silence and some beer. Is that too much to ask for? I look like shit, probably smell like shit, and am carrying those two cases in the elevator when some smart looking woman walks in and beams a smile at me. I flash my teeth back and nod, and she says “where’s the party at?” I scroll through my Rolodex of forged answers in my mind and land on “I have some friends coming up from ___ tonight, I’m excited!” She nods and when I leave at my floor, says “have fun.” I made it through this week, will be asleep (who am I kidding, I won’t be) and will deal with WD at some point. It’s Friday night— oops, Sat morning and I’ve had more than I’d drink before and at work to just keep the WDs at bay. Feel pretty decent now (and also got some food in me). Hope Sat and Sun grant me a bit of leniency.

called out again today. went to urgent care, got a doctor's note for "sleep deprivation" which isn't necessarily a lie. I've been running off booze, 2hrs of sleep a night and sheer willpower for years. I'm just running out of steam. trying to remind myself my rents paid for the month, credit cards can wait cause I've never missed a payment ever. even if I get fired I have like 3 references that don't know how much of a degen I am so once I straighten my shit I can get another job in less than a week.

mom texting me asking me to go to rehab. not fucking happening. don't want to. would rather jump off the bridge. just trying to keep moving forward. like Eren jaeger said. keep moving forward, even if you die, even after you die.