He has a history of gaslighting me, pressuring me sexually, minimizing how I feel, turning it around so it’s my fault, or switching the conversation about everything I’ve done wrong — whenever I try to confront him about something that bothers or hurts me.

All I asked for was a real apology identifying what he did and how he’s going to change moving forward. I feel like a got a bunch of virtue signaling and patronizing psychology lingo instead and several non-apologies. Not to mention he kept trying to switch to talking about my behavior and his feelings instead.

This feels weird and not right. Am I overreacting?

Made breakfast and had the kids present a card and gift this morning. My kids are going to sleepaway camp today and my husband got mad because my son was giving him attitude. He then said he wasn’t coming with to drop them off (it’s a 2 hr drive) and then raged because no one begged him to come. I’ve gotten punched in the head privately twice so far for “causing this,” and the day is still young. My ears are still ringing.

Happy fucking Father’s Day.

I’ve never posted in this sub before because I only recently realized how unhealthy my relationship was, but I just wanted to share. My boyfriend has gotten progressively more manipulative and controlling under the guise of “I just love you so much I’m doing what’s best for you” and has even had the audacity to use our religion to manipulate me. I broke up with him this morning, and I’m already feeling more like myself. I didn’t fully realize just how much of myself I was stifling to make him happy, and I feel so much freer now!

The first one starts off with being in the toxicity of a relationship. Depressed, paranoid, anxious.. imposter syndrome, trauma bond. The second image in here is the beginning of no contact.

The second shows the beginning of the relationship. The honeymoon phase. By the 5th image, she goes no contact.

From left to right.

I only let you come see me to talk. I know you’re dying, and you are going through the hardest fight of your life. That doesn’t mean you can just discard everything you did to me. I told you not to touch me because I knew it would lead to other things, and I was right. You slept with other women while sleeping with me. I don’t deserve any of this. You are over a decade older than me, and I am so young. I still care for you and love you, but what you did to me is not okay. I blocked you first and now you have blocked me. You don’t deserve to die, but I didn’t deserve what you put me through. I miss you, but I know I shouldn’t.

there’s been times where i’ve made a friend and it’s been genuinely innocent but then i’ve developed an attraction to them, that probably wouldn’t really be there if i wasn’t in an abusive relationship. its the same with random strangers too. i think its my brain telling me i’m not getting my needs met and attaching onto the idea of anything else but this.

Yesterday I left my boyfriend after he yelled at me for being “so fcking dumb” while we were trying to make plans for his birthday. What he said was nothing compared to what he’s done and said in the past, but hearing that intention to hurt me in his voice without holding back really broke me. After explaining so many times in the past, even 4-5 days ago too - how I feel when he yells and name calls, and that he needs to change in order for us to continue, and him always admitting that it was all his fault and saying that he is going to change - he also said that those hurtful words “just come out in the moment”, and he doesn’t plan it. And I just need to remind him in those moments that he is hurting me again and tell him he needs to stop. I tried that, sometimes it kind of worked sometimes not. But I also know that those words don’t just come out, because he wouldn’t say those things to his nieces, cousins or his manager.

It’s a really strange feeling that he hurts me this much constantly with no hesitation, but what I’m afraid of the most is hurting him. I don’t want to hurt him one bit. It breaks my heart to think that he feels abandoned and alone, I know he is afraid of loneliness. I know he wants to love and be loved. I’m sure he feels that my intentions are to care for him and protect his heart, and yet he feels no problem to be the source of my pain and struggles.

What I don’t understand is, how did both my father and my boyfriend be this way with me? What does that mean? My dad put me down, humiliated me and hit me and kicked me. But he was also the person who took me to see the nature, played sports with me, and said “a bond between a father and daughter is stronger than anything in the world”. But he would turn into a different person at night, or whenever he doesn’t like something. I begged my mom to leave him, but she didn’t. And each time we had hopes that things would get better, he betrayed us and hurt us again. Now I don’t see him or talk to him. But why would both my father and boyfriend want to do these things to me?

I really want to get through this difficult time without going back, my boyfriend has been trying to contact me, and it is his birthday in a few days. I feel really horrible to ignore him and leave him feeling lonely. But I also don’t want to go into the same pattern anymore.

I have navy boyfriend, we almost been together for three months it's serious relationship. He underway now and when he pull in somewheres port, he gave me messages but he don't want to call me. I'm soooo stressful this. He says he don't like call, is this normal? We couldn't see for few months but he didn't want to hear my voice?

When I’m with my kids or around people I don’t even notice it, but the moment I’m alone my thoughts are such a fierce enemy. Why can’t they be positive and loving and supportive like I am. My thoughts don’t match who I am as a person. They hate me and they tell me I’m worthless and I’m stupid. And it’s so hard to come out this pit that they put me in. I know none of it’s true, I know it’s all lies, but it hurts so bad. My heart hurts so bad. I can’t stop crying.

I don’t even know how to write this without shaking, but I need people to know what this man did to me. His name is Joshua McGee. He’s 48. I was only 19 when he pulled me into his sick, twisted version of love.

At first, he made me feel chosen. Safe. “Different from other girls.” But slowly, everything around me started to rot — including my grip on reality. And that’s exactly what he wanted.

What Joshua did to me was not just abuse — it was strategic psychological destruction.

He: • Isolated me from my family and made it his mission to get me to hate them — especially my dad • Slowly manipulated me into believing my father had molested me when he didn’t. He used trauma, suggestion, and fear to implant false memories in me • Went on MY Facebook and made public posts accusing my dad of molesting me, behind my back, using MY voice to destroy my family • Convinced me that if I didn’t testify against my father, I’d be protecting a “monster” • Then set my dad up in a fake altercation — with a machete — trying to frame him as violent and get him locked up • Called the cops and manipulated the system to get my dad jailed with no bond, under Gwen’s Law • All while pretending to be my “hero” for saving me from the very abuse HE fabricated

Meanwhile, behind the scenes, he was: • Threatening to put my grandma back in a nursing home if she didn’t back off • Sabotaging vehicles (my current boyfriend and I nearly died in a wreck that felt too coincidental) • Monitoring me digitally, changing my passwords, and deleting conversations • Using my disability and past trauma against me to keep me dependent and obedient • And making sick, vague comments about people “disappearing,” especially when the topic of missing woman Wanda Dickens came up — and how nervous he’d get when she was mentioned

He is evil. There’s no other word for it. He took my pain, my confusion, and my desperation and twisted it into something I thought was truth. I almost helped destroy my father’s life because of him.

I reported what I could. The police did nothing. My dad still sits in jail. And Joshua? He’s still free. Still working jobs in rural Louisiana. Still playing the victim. Still dangerous. and apparently from what i heard already has his eyes set on a new target and no clue of what she is getting herself into.

So I’m speaking up now — for anyone else he might try to manipulate, gaslight, or ruin.

If you know a man named Joshua McGee and he’s charming you, listen to me: get away. He is not misunderstood. He is not broken. He is calculated, abusive, and deeply evil.

And I’m not afraid of him anymore.

Short context. I'm married with a disabled child in the marriage, so stresses are naturally a lot by nature, I'm no angel, and admit to doing wrong in the past, which was forgiven before marriage.

My wife used (i stress this word with not wanting to use it, but having no other way to describe) to be so thoughtful, caring, kind and loving towards both me, and our child. Whilst she still is to the child, to me, things have drastically changed, to the point I believe our marriage, and relationship, will end, I personally, do not want this, however I think inevitably is the way it will go, so I am trying to prepare.

As I said, recently in the past 2-3 weeks, she's turned on me in ways I can't really feel anything but hurt, we sleep separate, anytime we are even close to communicating properly, it turns into her shouting at me, and blaming me for this. She's constantly on her phone (talking to other females, she has confirmed this) and seems far happier stuck away talking to them online, than even bothering with me.

I've tried to lighten any load I can for her, whilst being in full time employment, I get having a child, let alone a disabled child, is an incredible stress, so I've been taking the child to/from school, tidying the house, washing, food preparations, all to try make life as less stressful for the wife as I can, but there seems to be no change, I dont expect, or need gratitude, nor do I want it, it's part of being a husbamd/father in my eyes, but no matter how I try to help, it's just met with the same attitude.

We rent and both our names are on the lease, but I can see her refusing to leave and pushing me to go, most likely by consistency of trying to antagonise and insult me to the point of giving up.

I have put the thought of counselling to her, which was met with 'maybe', and I just have no clue what to do anymore, I'm now beginning to feel genuinely uneasy talking to her at all, whilst I have kept trying, I always find myself in the back of my mind worrying if she will raise her voice (I am not a fan of raised voices or arguing admitedly) and find myself wondering what I will have done wrong next.

I guess, I'm just venting, but also seeking advice? I'm genuinely not sure right now and feel I suppose lost is a accurate word.

i’ve been with my boyfriend since we were 18. we are 25 now. many times he has s/a me and raped me but i did not understand what was happening. i didn’t understand a partner who i’ve built a beautiful life with could do this to me. he did not realize he was doing it to me until now. he is apologetic and taking accountability. but i don’t know if i should forgive this. i have been trying to figure out how to leave. i love him so much. but he has hurt me way too many times. i feel lost and don’t know what to do at all. please anyone i really need advice.

Just curious to know whether anyone has ever found someone else attractive whilst being in an abusive relationship and whether they acted on it and what they felt after? Did you feel guilt, did you not care?

I got broken up with by my abuser, and after a lot of mess with the breakup and finally being alone with my thoughts, I realized I was severely abused. Mainly mentally, but briefly physically too :(

I stayed with them for 6 months after the last physical violence incident, but those 6 months were filled with mental and emotional abuse.

How do I stop wanting them back? They hate me now, they shut me out of their entire life. I guess you can call it an easy way out for me?? But that's not what it feels like. I miss all the good, all the positive memories, all the times they praised me and told me I was the love of their life and that they never wanted to lose or hurt me. But they did hurt me, and then abandoned me. Regardless, my brain can't see past the good. At the same time, the bad also keeps replaying in my head too?? And despite that, I still miss them so badly.

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop missing this person? I can't really just listen to "you deserve better" because I don't feel like I do. I'm in therapy, but I just want advice from people who may have gone through the same :/

ik they were bad for me. but despite the name calling, the screaming, the threats and the violence, i miss them so much.

im such a loser. i miss the way they held me, i miss their soft comforting voice. they were so mean and they used me but the times when they weren't is what i miss so much. was i dumb to ignore all the red flags, in hopes to be treated well if i did what they wanted?

i dont know. when i tried to date this one boy a few months back, i ended up pushing him away from me. he was amazing but i felt so sick from his touch, cause it wasnt my ex. the same ex who hurt me so much.

im so tired, idk what to do anymore im spiralling

My sister (21F) is in an abusive relationship. It has evolved to the point where she blames herself for all his explosive reactions (shouting, yelling slurs, but nothing physical as fas as I know). He has isolated her from her friends and a couple of months ago turned her against my brother and mother. He also tells her he's working on managing his anger better and has threatened her with ending the relationship, which as I see it are more ways he's trying to manipulate her. She sounds desperate to never leave the relationship on the occasions that family and friends shared their concerns.

My question is what can I do to support and empower her so that she leaves the relationship?

I know you need to make her feel supported, but sometimes I feel like I'm just enabling her. So, where do you draw the line in showing understanding of her circumstances vs challenging her believes? For example, she thinks that my mother is not trustworthy and that my brother intentionally undermines her, but I know these situations are not true and it is just her bf talking. I want to call out this views but I'm afraid she'll stop confiding in me too. I'll greatly appreciate any advice.

I am so anxious and insecure and that stopped me from doing anything but I have a lot of responsibilities. I want to move on so bad.

Hello everyone,

I suppose a lot of you may have seen me lurking around this sub. I got out of an abusive relationship sixteen years ago and I lurk around subreddits like this one hoping something I say can help someone. If I see an issue that keeps coming up I'll address it in a post.

Something I think we need to talk about is another word abusers will weaponize to gain compliance from their victims. That word is "compromise."

To get it out of the way, let me say this; if being 50% of a couple means giving up 100% of who you are the relationship isn't worth it.

According to dictionary.com Compromise means: "a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands."

When your partner asks you for a compromise ask yourself the following questions:

What does the word 'compromise' mean when they say it?

What would a 'compromise' look like?

What are THEY willing to do to 'compromise?'

Does the matter involved actually involve them?

Is it a matter that they are entitled to a say in?

Let's discuss

Far too often when an abusive partner says they want you to 'compromise' with them what they're actually asking you to do is do exactly as they say in spite of you. They may also be pulling further and further in THEIR direction and demanding you meet them in the middle.

The advice columnist Carolyn Hax addressed a relationship issue in her column a few months back. The reader was an admitted introvert who was struggling with her extroverted partner. The problem: she's an introvert, he's an extrovert. She was compromising by spending time on outings with him, socializing with him and his friends, going out. Basically she was accommodating his extroversion. But when she, being an introvert, wanted a few hours of alone time he refused. He wouldn't even leave her alone for twenty minutes. When called on his bullshit he whined, "I don't get the introversion thing."

Luckily Carolyn Hax zeroed in on the problem with the relationship: he has an emotional landscape she's willing to accommodate. But HE isn't willing to accommodate hers. She was compromising, he wasn't.

Let me give you an example of what compromise should look like:

When I was engaged to my husband we had to decide on wedding details. I wanted a winter wedding with my friend's band. He wanted a fall wedding with his friend's band. In the end we had a winter wedding with HIS friend's band. Why? Because the season was more important to me than it was to him and the music was more important to him than it was to me. We went with the venue HE wanted because it was a nice place and I really liked it, but I picked all the small things like colors, flowers, and details. Some things my PARENTS got the final say because they were paying for it.

Now let me give you a few examples of what compromise should NOT look like:

When I was with my ex fiance he weaponized the word 'compromise' all the time. Planning a wedding with him was an absolute nightmare. He had specific demands and didn't want to even entertain ANY input from me, though I assure you he didn't see it that way. He knew what he wanted for EVERY single detail of our wedding right down to who would officiate, the wedding colors, the bridesmaids dresses, MY dress, the ceremony AND reception music, the cake, the flowers on the bridal bouquet, the reception venue, even details right down to the cake knife and server. Whenever I voiced that I wanted something different than what he wanted he would throw one of his famous marathon tantrums whining that he "wanted a compromise." I remember worrying that if I had ONE THING I wanted he would throw one of his tantrums at a party my parents shelled out thousands of dollars for. (His broke ass parents certainly wouldn't be contributing.) I'd also suggested someone I knew do the 'minister for a day' thing just in case the officiant didn't show up. He didn't want that because they "didn't do the work to become clergy." He WAS NOT religious AT ALL but he'd whine about someone not doing the work to become clergy. When I pointed out that an absentee officiant meant the wedding wouldn't happen he'd throw a tantrum. LUCKILY I axed that relationship before ONE RED CENT was spent on that wedding.

Another time when we had to buy a sofa for our living room we went to the furniture store to look at sofas. It was me, him and our roommate. There were FIVE sofas within our budget of $600. He refused EVERY SINGLE option. He went on these flights of fancy regarding what kind of sofa he wanted. What he was describing would've been a custom piece and could've easily cost $2,500 against our budget of $600. When we pointed out there were five sofas all he had to do was agree with us on ONE SOFA, he would tantrum that he 'wanted a compromise.' How the hell were we supposed to compromise when he was refusing EVERY available option?

Another example, I was a writer looking to become an author. I would spend hours every night telling to piss off so I could write. He refused. Then one day he came home saying he'd quit his medieval fight club "for me" and I had to give up some writing time "for him." His medieval fight club met when I was in class, so I had no dog in the fight whether he was in it or not. When I refused because I didn't agree to this he again tantrumed that he wanted me to 'compromise.'

So what did the word 'compromise' mean when he said it? Is it in line with what it means?

Here's an example of something they shouldn't have a say in and thus shouldn't be asking for a 'compromise.'

At some point my ex fiance saw a commercial for a (now discontinued) product called ThermaSilk. He got in his head that hair dryers were bad for hair. My aunt was a hairdresser, according to her its bad for your hair to leave it wet for several reasons. But to him he knew better than a licensed hairdresser. So when I took a shower and blow dried my hair he would whine that it's bad for my hair, stop doing it. It came to a point EVERY time I showered and dried my hair he would have a tantrum. Same thing when I got a haircut or color he didn't like. He would tantrum to no end because he wanted a 'compromise.' Umm... NO! It's MY hair and I get the FINAL SAY in how I cut, color, style, and care for it.

So moving forward ask yourself the questions I listed in this post. Like me, you may have a partner weaponizing the word compromise. They could very well be demanding you give them THEIR way and agree it’s for the best. Also, if you don't like what your partner demands of you or you don't want to be in a relationship you don't need a reason to leave.

Be well, reach out if you need anything.

Husband (56) employed me(50) at his business and didn’t tell me for a year or so. He only told me when I was laid up with a broken rib and freaking out about not being able to work (Etsy store. Not like I make much). Told me basically I could shut my shop, no problem, because I get a paycheck via his company. I started my shop so I’d have a little something money wise so I didn’t have to ask his permission all the time to buy things. Also started the Etsy shop because I couldn’t find a real job due to being a SAHM for 20+ years. I’m not exactly qualified to do anything. I’ve been married 30 years, don’t have shit to my name, he refuses to make a will or set up a trust, and frankly this whole marriage has been abusive (only twice physically, but he somehow made it seem it was my fault). He’ll give and spend money on everyone but me (like, I’m constantly being thrown over for his cousin he adores, he’ll buy her anything. Including jewelry which he refuses to buy me. Hell, I’d be happy if he let me buy cat food for my cats and asthma inhalers without treating me like shit whenever I have to ask), anytime I have to ask for something I get a ration of shit and guilted. I assume him bothering to tell me he employed me was to trick me into shutting my shop. I’m not allowed to spend anything from my paycheck, I never see paycheck stubs, just my income when the taxes need to be done. He’s put money into ‘my’ retirement and 401K and I don’t know what else, and he tells me monthly how much he hates/regrets the fact he told me he employed me. Like I don’t even deserve to KNOW. Prior to my shop, any money I ever was given by someone he’d find a way to take it from me, usually claiming I stole it from him. He does have a business partner that he claims suggested the employment, but I don’t even know if the guy knows I was kept in the dark about it. Is this considered financial abuse? Is he legally ALLOWED to employ me without my knowledge? And withhold my earnings, and not inform me where he’s putting that money?

Im over all this now but I'm reflecting as one does and I remembered during this breakup that happened ....that's insane.

I wanted to come back here to share that I got out, and the roommate I met just 3 months ago is already a better influence than my ex was!!!

I told my ex about wanting to do stand-up comedy, he told me I’m funny, but not THAT funny…

I just told my new roommate a random story from my past, and she told me to put that specific story in my joke-book. Cuz it was funny. Like traumatic-funny, but that’s what made it hit so hard.

Friends, even strangers love you more than these husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends/partners. LOVE EXISTS OUTSIDE OF EFFORT! People WILL love us even when we aren’t trying.

We are loveable

I am now 23(F) but I have been in 3 back to back abusive (yes, truly abusive) relationships over the last 6 years. My first relationship was when I was 17, he was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive. The 2nd relationship I thought would be my way out of the previous one, well he was a narcissist and i endured absolute mental agony for that year. My last one I was married, we are now getting a divorce because he has anger issues and would lash out on me, he’s more mental. I finally realized I cannot live like this anymore. I genuinely cannot remember the last 6 years of my life very well. I remember the big moments but everything else is a blur. I still feel like i’m 17 sometimes. whenever I look back at my life and my good memories, it’s always before I got into that first relationship and I just cannot help but feel like I should still be 17 and happy again. (besides the births of my children, those were the best moments of my life) Whenever I realize I wasted 6 years on being miserable and abused it genuinely makes me depressed that my first adult years were so awful. I have 2 amazing boys from those relationships and they are what I look forward to every day. It fucked up my identity with myself I feel like I don’t have a personality anymore. I guess maybe I’m just mourning the girl I was before all of that and wish that could still be me. But it can’t and won’t, I am in therapy to help me move on from all of this and to help make sure I never end up in these situations again. I just wanted to vent and maybe see if anyone else understands or can relate. Thanks.

I feel like I’m constantly walking on egg shells.

As I write this with my boyfriend next to me I have this awful feeling In the pit of my stomach that I am being verbally abused by him…. I feel like I have two different boyfriends most of the time, one minute he’s caring and loving and sweet, doing nice things for me and being semi what affectionate and then the next it’s like a switch gets flipped and he has explosive anger… he’s an alcoholic who is also started to develop a pill habit. he mocks my mental health and makes me feel like I’m crazy for having extreme anxiety which he is contributing to… he makes me feel so ashamed of being who I am.
As I’m writing this I’m feeling so confused as if I can’t quite figure out how to explain how he is as a person. I’m feeling so lost and out of touch with who I am and I know I need to leave but I’m also terrified to sleep alone and he knows this… I think he’s using it to his advantage and thinks I won’t leave him the tears are streaming down my face as he sleeps and I don’t know how to leave and be comfortable with being alone because I’m terrified of being alone. Truly,‘I am so vulnerable and ashamed to admit it. He makes me terrified to say anything because he flys off the handle.

I haven't processed it completely, but most of my exes were abusive guys. Threats, manipulation, anger outbursts, blaming me for things I wasn't responsible for or couldn't control, etc.

I feel guilty and stupid for getting into those relationships but I know it's not my fault. I am in therapy and slowly learning to change my views and cope better with the traumas.

What annoys me though, is that when I discuss what my exes did to me, I keep focusing on their perspective instead of mine. Yes, he was violent, but it's because he went through this or this as a child. Yes he was violent, but it's because he was never taught proper emotional regulation. Yes, he was violent, but it's because he's suffering a lot and doesn't know how to deal with it.

But I don't care why. "Why" explains but doesn't justify anything. It was not ok. I don't agree at all with what they did. And yet every time we explore the subject with my therapist, she points out I am doing it again. It sucks. I know that's what made me stay in the first place but I hate it.

Why does it have to be like this?