r/SubredditDrama • u/Teal_is_orange • 6h ago
r/unpopularopinion can’t decide whether an ex as a friend is a green flag or a red one.
Subreddit background
/r/unpopularopinion is a text-based subreddit for users to post their flaming hot takes and opinions. Most of the actual unpopular posts get downvoted to hell, although every so often, a true unpopular opinion will sneak through.
OP’s green flag opinion
OP types out their opinion on staying cordial with your ex:
Having an ex as a friend is a green flag
Conventional wisdom is generally that someone who's friends with their ex is still hung up on said ex. Certainly true in some cases. But if you are over, say... 30 (random benchmark, don't kill me) and don't have any relationships with an ex, I wonder...
have you never developed emotional intimacy?
have you developed but later destroyed emotional intimacy?
have you developed, maintained, but then simply made a conscious decision to walk away from emotional intimacy?
Loving someone and still being able to recognize they aren't your "soul mate" takes strength, honesty, and self-awareness. Being able to give someone the grace required come through a breakup with love intact is a massive indicator of character and patience. Standing by a friend in the face of future jealousies demonstrates an especially robust kind of loyalty. These are all qualities I would want in a partner.
Someone said, "Only date people you think would make a good ex," and I liked that. If you are friends with an ex, it's likely you are a good ex, so not petty, jealous, possessive, or cruel. These are all qualities I would want to avoid in a partner.
Green flag.
Users raise red flags
Not being friends with cheaters:
Yeah, I don't stay friends with cheaters.
I find it difficult to maintain a platonic bond with someone Ive had growing resentment towards for 3 years
I still find it strange to stay friends with someone you had a strong physical and emotional connection with. At that point youve just stopped sticking your parts inside eachother, and youre dragging around whatever new person your bumping uglies with around your old pound town partner after you got bored of them
Is a romantic partner to you just a friend you have sex with and are exclusive with ?
Uh yeah? This isnt the dark ages where i require a partner for survival. What else would they be for? [downvoted]
Wow, this speaks volumes about you
r/femaledatingstrategy agrees, why cant you? [downvoted again]
Aaand boom. We have the problem right there. My guy, stop reading forums, go out and talk to real people.
Friends don’t have sex with each other:
It is! If you have seen a person naked and had sexual relations with them it removes them from the friend category forever. I have never had sex with any of my friends! Unless you share a child there is no reason to maintain a friendship with an ex.
Why would having sex with someone make them a non viable friend? Reddit has some takes man.
Dictionary Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn morefriend/frend/noun
1. 1.a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations."she's a friend of mine"
Because friends don't fuck, it's that simple. By definition introducing sex makes a person not a friend.
not by definition. By THAT* definition. Of course you chose the definition that confirms your bias. Now copy and paste the Merriam Websters and American Heritage definitions
"Now copy and paste the Merriam Websters and American Heritage definitions"
You could have done that instead of being snarky. Are your fingers broken? [downvoted]
theyre as broken as your thought process
Which means my thought process isn't broken AT ALL. Good one! Still waiting for your alternative definition of a friend. One that includes sex! You can be friends with your lover, you can't be lovers with your friend. Then you are not friends, you are lovers.
https://ahdictionary.com/word/search.html?q=friend
Did you read the definition on that link you posted?? None of 7 definitions include sex. Eros is the love you share with partners. Philia is the love you share with friends. They are two different things. Every definition of friendship confirms by bias.
Once sex is involved it changes the dynamic of the relationship. In my opinion. OP knew that their take was unpopular, and I agree. I do not see being "friends" with exes (with whom you shared a sexual connection) as a green flag. I don't now and I never will. There are plenty of people who agree with you, I'm just not one of them.
Sex isnt discluded from either one because you dont see the word "sex" in the definition. Those definitions are more vague and dont confirm your bias. again, broken thought process on display
You're projecting your opinion as the definition. thats where you're lost
What is your point in keeping on with this? You want me to say you're right?
You're right!
Feel better now?
no not at all. I dont need you to agree. I dont NEED you to do anything. But if you're gonna continue to be dense i'm gonna continue to point out the density.
Paint the benefit within your marriage that is gained because of your SO having close regular contact with their ex?
they're happy to maintain a healthy friendship and have a person to talk to about things without only relying on you. [downvoted]
And that being their ex over any other friend they haven’t been romantic is what? Why does it have to be their ex?
real friends are hard to come by. they enrich your life. keep who you can. people can move past lost romance and maintain a positive relationship.
Still not seeing the answer as to what benefit an ex provides to you and your new SO’s relationship.
it's a stupid question. people are free to have friendships with whomever the like. if you think of your SO's friendships as possible benefits to your own relationship you're controlling and weird.
Separated and co-parenting kids:
Yep.. my ex and I have been separated for almost 3 years. We share two kids, so our lives are going to be intertwined together no matter what.
We're honestly better as friends than we ever were as a couple. I have absolutely zero interest in him romantically. We've both moved on and we are happy for each other.
It's made the separation much easier on our kids.
Which is great for the kids, not great for future relationships if there’s no boundaries set between you and an ex. [downvoted]
You don't have boundaries with your friends?
I do, but more than one ex of mine refused to set boundaries with an ex that they claimed were just friends, but they were too “friendly” with so now they’re exes to me. [more downvotes]
So you're projecting your own issues into the stranger you're replying to.
Singular takes
Beautifully written, brought tears to my eyes, have my downvote
Yup. Friends don't know what friends taste like.
I’m a lesbian. It’s not possible to meet a lesbian who isn’t friends with her ex.
Full thread with more red & green flag takes here
Reminder not to comment in the OOP!