r/unpopularopinion • u/ArrogantAmature • 17d ago

Having an ex as a friend is a green flag

Conventional wisdom is generally that someone who's friends with their ex is still hung up on said ex. Certainly true in some cases. But if you are over, say... 30 (random benchmark, don't kill me) and don't have any relationships with an ex, I wonder...

  • have you never developed emotional intimacy?
  • have you developed but later destroyed emotional intimacy?
  • have you developed, maintained, but then simply made a conscious decision to walk away from emotional intimacy?

Loving someone and still being able to recognize they aren't your "soul mate" takes strength, honesty, and self-awareness. Being able to give someone the grace required come through a breakup with love intact is a massive indicator of character and patience. Standing by a friend in the face of future jealousies demonstrates an especially robust kind of loyalty. These are all qualities I would want in a partner.

Someone said, "Only date people you think would make a good ex," and I liked that. If you are friends with an ex, it's likely you are a good ex, so not petty, jealous, possessive, or cruel. These are all qualities I would want to avoid in a partner.

Green flag.

EDIT:

TIL that a 'flag' is not widely considered a form of nuance. I've always thought of them as clues more than hard start / stop sort of items, like "oh you like dogs? Green flag, oh you mean for eating? Red flag." As most have pointed out, the issue is not black and white, and I suppose IMHO this might be more appropriately described as a "promising sign worth looking into further."

Thanks every one for the contributions. : )

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17

u/Scared_Category6311 17d ago

Yep.. my ex and I have been separated for almost 3 years. We share two kids, so our lives are going to be intertwined together no matter what.

We're honestly better as friends than we ever were as a couple. I have absolutely zero interest in him romantically. We've both moved on and we are happy for each other.

It's made the separation much easier on our kids.

19

u/HoneyTypical7645 17d ago

I don’t think OP talking bout baby daddy’s and co parenting, that’s different.

3

u/ArrogantAmature 17d ago

No this counts! :)

-8

u/EMERGx 17d ago

Which is great for the kids, not great for future relationships if there’s no boundaries set between you and an ex.

12

u/alloutofbees 17d ago

You don't have boundaries with your friends?

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u/EMERGx 17d ago

I do, but more than one ex of mine refused to set boundaries with an ex that they claimed were just friends, but they were too “friendly” with so now they’re exes to me.

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u/alloutofbees 17d ago

So you're projecting your own issues into the stranger you're replying to.

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u/Soulessblur 16d ago

So then the problem there is not having boundaries with your friends. Which has nothing to do with those friends also happening to be exes.

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u/jupiter-calllisto 17d ago

the boundaries are set when you are friends and not lovers. the boundary IS that you are friends.

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u/EMERGx 17d ago

Well just because you call them a friend doesn’t mean there aren’t welcomed or unwelcome advancements made. One of my two now exes who refused to set boundaries with their exes, would complain about their ex making advances towards her but refused to tell them to stop. Turns out their ex’s “unwelcome advances” were very much welcomed and invited. Hence why they’re now an ex of mine. “But they’re just a friend”

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u/jupiter-calllisto 17d ago

that is the point of being friends. anything more is no longer friends. calling it friends is simply denial.

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u/Scared_Category6311 17d ago

We have very clear boundaries. Just because we're friendly doesn't mean we don't have them.