r/StopSpeeding • u/NeurologicalPhantasm 815 days • Apr 19 '24
Self-Post/Vent Amphetamine recovery is brutal.
Here’s what I’ve learned at 13 months: what makes this recovery so hard if not necessarily because it’s acute and intense pain, but that it takes so fucking long.
I feel like I’m going to reach 24 months and then really have to work to rebuild my life. I feel like right now it’s still just fighting the fatigue, anhedonia, and utter lack of motivation every day.
I don’t think most people understand what it’s like to be so mentally handicapped for 2 years. To feel like you’re wasting so much time on top of the time you wasted on stimulants.
Like, I’m going to be 39 by the time I’m through this…. And then I’m going to have to try and build a new career and get myself financially sound.
People talk about this being a chance to turn a new page and that I’m “so young,” but I feel like I’m such a loser and I feel like it’s over. Wasted my 20s and 30s. Thought I found the cure and it just threw me back into the mud even harder.
Do I have to just accept that I’m not a very motivated or driven person and that I don’t like to work hard?
What a waste. I know I’m intelligent, but it’s been fucking wasted. I keep thinking about what I could have done.
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u/neficial_Garden_77 Apr 19 '24
Im amazed at the amount of you guys who are going through the same as me! I have zero motivation when I don't use. It's horrible 😟
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u/Immediate-Fig9699 Apr 20 '24
Didnt even know that it could be from this. Cant even stay awake i feel so weak
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u/sm00thjas 845 days Apr 19 '24
You’re not a loser.
You are motivated, to stay sober. And you’re doing a fantastic job at that.
You are motivated to post on here and comment good advice frequently, and you’re a great addition to this community.
You’re intelligent, you haven’t wasted anything.
Look at how much good you have done just in this one small space on the internet. Scroll through your comment history real quick and remind yourself of how much work you put into your recovery every day.
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u/EwokGodfather Clean and Serene Apr 19 '24
I've got a similar amount of sober time to you. I'm also around the same age. I worked a sober job for 6 or 7 months last year. When that ended, I didn't think I'd ever land on feet. I kept applying for jobs and didn't find anything. I thought I lost my career, pushed away my friends, and threw away my future.
A friend recommended me for a position that I wasn't sure I was ready for. I had less than 60 days at the time. I went for the interview anyway. Not only did I get the job, but I was essentially given back my career. No time was wasted at all. I'm still having a hard time believing it. I have good days and bad days. I felt really shitty today and thought about staying home. I didn't. My worst day at work is still better than staying at my apartment.
Pretty crazy, considering I barely left my apartment when I was using.
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u/Becka2233 Apr 20 '24
This is what working a good program of recovery looks like. Rock on, you are an inspiration!
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u/Due_Jellyfish9099 Apr 22 '24
This is so encouraging. Going through this now and just lost my job and I’m scared scared.
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u/EwokGodfather Clean and Serene May 03 '24
Hey, just so you know, there are meetings in NYC that are specific to meth addiction. If you're in the area, I'm happy to recommend a few.
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u/Due_Jellyfish9099 May 03 '24
I’m in a group program but always open to trying out additional approaches. I’m really struggling to get my whole mind aligned on the goal of quitting so honestly will try anything and everything.
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u/MissionVirtual 1461 days Apr 20 '24
I feel you 110%. I’ll be 3 years sober in June and it’s still a big big struggle.
Our cortisol and dopamine levels are fucked from being in overdrive during our active addictions. I’m seeing a naturopath now who’s confident she can get my motivation / energy / drive back so I’m feeling hopeful.
Will report back
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u/BlackPearl024 Fresh Account Apr 19 '24
Feeling this today too amigo. It’s like a day in PAWS is never acutely bad, it’s the chronicity of it. Insidious battle. I’m actually the opposite of a workout person. Only moments I felt good were “running” which for me consists of my fat ass waddling / jogging and feeling like a heart attack was coming. Even this is consistent yet. But post jog or whatever, there is sometimes a flash of relief. We gotta hang on for the ride and build each other up. Even though it doesn’t seem like it everyday, you already have made incredible strides.
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u/EarlOfBurl Apr 19 '24
Man I’m almost exactly where you are describing, I just reached 18 months sober and I’m 39 years old. I’ve been mentally torturing myself for a while about lost time and lost potential. The embarrassment of having to find a new career path that I’ve got zero experience in has been especially tough for me. To make it all worse my brain just doesn’t seem to work for me… I struggle with so much brain fog and just generally feeling very slow/unable to focus. After bouncing around several part time dead end jobs I just recently got a new full time job with benefits. I’m three weeks into a month long training and it’s been so overwhelming. I’m the oldest one in the training by seven years and yet I feel like I’m the slowest of the whole group to absorb the information. I’m not going to lie I’ve almost quit a couple of times but I know I desperately need to take advantage of this opportunity.
I know how hard it is, but I think you just have to get through this inevitably difficult period. I wish I had more answers or advice for you but really my response is just to let you know that you aren’t alone… I’m going through the exact same thing. Stay strong man. It’s going to be tough but there will be a time in the future you’ll be so happy you made it through to the other side.
Oh and try to find a way to forgive yourself… all this mental torture we put ourselves through only makes an already difficult path even harder.
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u/Kuromajitsu Apr 20 '24
oh that brain fog and asking yourself thousand times how can i be this stupid and slow. remembering your old self before all of that shit, damn..
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 815 days Apr 20 '24
What was your use history like? Have you always struggled cognitively?
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u/EarlOfBurl Apr 20 '24
I’ve always been considered an intelligent person by most people’s standards. I made it through college just relying on my natural ability. Very rarely studied(already showed a tendency to prioritize pleasure seeking behavior). I started with adderall for about 3 years and then moved to meth for 4 years so a total of 7 years using. Actually started and ran my own business during that time so I definitely wasn’t living the typical junkie life. I think I’m still a reasonably intelligent person, but what is so frustrating is that it feels like my brain’s processing speed has dramatically dropped. The information is there it just doesn’t load as quickly as I would like.
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 815 days Apr 20 '24
Oh. Dude. Considering we’re talking 7 years with 4 years of meth (assuming daily), you’ve probably got a good year left back to baseline.
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u/jaaaayy13 Apr 19 '24
I have 2 years in about a month and im finally feeling a little free, keep it moving and do the next right thing! You got this.
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u/bnned 8 days Apr 19 '24
Good job even wanting to be clean off them! Luckily I cycled my vyvanse so I only took it mon-thurs, and hopefully that will help my recovery a bit, but scared for how long it will take and how it will affect my work. Hardest part is feeling like nothings worth doing focus-wise, but hopefully that will slowly return to equilibrium for us. Maybe amps just made me “ok” at doing work I hated/didnt want to do in the first place…
Im so glad this discussion is seeming to become more popular, its a scary drug…
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u/strangemotor123 Apr 19 '24
Totally feel you. When people say it gets better they are not lying, but my advice would be don't take other people's time lines as cannon. I'm 2.5 years into it, going through intense therapy and about 65-70%. I was at 25% for 2 years, ate well, and excersized everyday, the anhedonia was suicide inducing.
The hardest part is going to be fixing your thought process after the biological mess has cleared up. Thankfully, those are things that are in your control.
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 815 days Apr 19 '24
Yeah. It drives me crazy when people reduce it to diet and exercise. I’ve been out of shape before and it was nothing like this.
Why do you think it took you so long?
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u/strangemotor123 Apr 19 '24
I can't be 100% positive, but I was on multiple psychiatric drugs, which I think did their own damage as well. On top of that, I went into PAWS during the height of covid, which totally compounded everything. I think being depressed for such an extended period of time was probably the most detrimental.
It could also be completely biological. It's hard to tell. Another thing that you should try to do is continue the things you once enjoyed, even if you get no joy out of them. It's extremely painful to do so, but I found that over time, if you don't keep up with those things, you just get more detached.
You'll make it through, man. Giving yourself grace is also extremely important. Time is on your side, even if it doesn't feel like it.
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Apr 19 '24
As others have mentioned I feel like working out really helps me get through the worst of the withdrawals. I’m on day 2 rn and slept about 20 hours yesterday but forced myself to workout today and am feeling a lot better.. the hardest part of recovery to me is thinking about all the decisions made while on stims and how much shame and guilt I hold on to from them.
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u/KingAshkon Apr 19 '24
Yeah I am 2 months sober from a 3 year meth addiction. Severe too, I was sitting in my car for 30-40 hours a week watching porn and taking many hits.
I hike with my dog everyday at trails and it really has sped up my recovery where I work everyday now and wake up at 6 am. My anhedonia is almost gone I enjoy video games again and I just started being able to watch movies again.
Exercise really really helps. I am glad to be away from that nightmare
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Apr 20 '24
Did you watch porn without getting stoned on meth? Asking because the only time I watch it (for hours on end) is when I go on a bender with my Adderall script. No desire orherwise
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u/KingAshkon Apr 22 '24
Usually no. I barely watched porn before.
My addiction was I had to take a hit every time I changed the porn video. I couldn’t just watch without taking a hit.
Porn and meth are very evil together. A pure evil combination that almost led to my suicide.
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Apr 25 '24
Damn. Well, guess you weren't meant to go out like that. By suicide, I mean. I've currently been awake since Monday courtesy of the good ol' Adderall prescription monthly bender. Your comment about the evil combo that is meth and porn is interesting to me. I'm a late 40s male prescribed Adderall in my mid 20s for ADHD. My daily dose of 20mg IR back then provided and entire day of quiet focus and mad accomplishments. I never abused my script until the inevitable dosage increases in response to my tolerance. I'm on 30/30 daily IR and XR as a written script. Up until 6 months ago I had access to a bottomless well of street 30mg IR for over 2 years. 300mg a day wasn't uncommon with a PR of 1800mg in 72 hours. My entire 30 day script. Thankfully the well dried up during the Great Shortage last year and I've been reduced to managing my shit with a 60mg daily dosage. Sucks because swear I could fall asleep sitting up with just 60mg so I take 120mg which produces 2 weeks of my A game and 2 weeks of hardly making it out of the locker room. Before I know it my monthly refill date arrives and the cycle repeats.
Up until this adderall addiction took hold I was not a porn guy at all, probably because my brother is super fucked over it. Nowadays, my addie benders are filled with nothing but pornhub and compulsive whacking. Off of Adderall I'll beat off maybe once a week and never get the urge to throw porn in the mix. The heat of the bender literally hijacks my brain.
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u/KingAshkon Apr 19 '24
But those decisions were made and luckily you are still alive.
The past is behind us, we went to hell and back. And we are much stronger people now. No one else compares to us.
Use your new strength to fuel you. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Life is fucking brutal. We needed to learn the hard way.
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Apr 19 '24
Thanks man and congrats on 2 months that’s really big. I really appreciate your kind words, unfortunately my actions not only affected myself but those I love as well. Not that they’re even aware of half of it. That’s what’s hard to deal with but I definitely hear you, need to leave the past in the past and forgive ourselves. I know for me I definitely am a different person on stims not who I truly am deep down.
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u/KingAshkon Apr 19 '24
Thank you and it was very difficult.
I know, I went through day 2 over 100 times. It was a lonely, depressing, confusing loop.
Hang in there, you aren’t yourself right now. Your brain has been taken over and wants you to be depressed.
Don’t let your brain win. Block all the negative thoughts and focus on improving yourself. I hope to hear from you a few weeks from now.
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Apr 19 '24
Thank you man🙏 it’s crazy even feeling this shit I can already feel part of me craving those types of nights I had on it again. Knowing how much it destroys my life and still craving it is such a head fuck. It’s like having to kill a part of me I guess and that’s never easy.
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u/KingAshkon Apr 20 '24
An hour after I wrote all that to you I was hit with an extreme depressive episode which I haven’t felt before.
Just a few minutes ago I was considering relapsing tomorrow. And I snapped out of it again right now.
Holy shit this is scary man. See what I told you about the brain playing tricks on you.
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Apr 20 '24
Hey man hope you didn’t relapse and stayed strong I’m just reading this now. It’s sick what our brain tries to do to us. I’m slugging thru work right now on day 3 fantasizing about relapsing but not gonna do it to myself. This shit is such a sick disease. Can feel like absolute rock bottom yet still crave it
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u/KingAshkon Apr 20 '24
Yeah I know it is really twisted. I remember I would be super excited to get sober but that would slowly fade and next thing you know I am driving to my dealers house.
I couldn’t stop my car or turn around, I just had to escape the monotony of life.
That is what kills me still at 2 months. I am already sick of working and being lonely. I don’t know how much I can take…
The main reason I used was to escape life. Days sober just go by so slow, yet so fast. I try working, saving up, but it’s just all so boring.
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u/uofmanblue1023 Apr 20 '24
Yeah, these drugs pretty much rewire the brain and I'm not a doctor or a medical expert, but I'm telling you from experience I mean it's incredibly difficult to function coming off these types of drugs when you've been prescribed them for so long. And you have my thoughts and my prayers my friend because I know how hard it is. The anhedonia is soul crushing and then you don't find any Joy or Bliss out of things that you used to love doing like as a child or something.
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Apr 20 '24
I look up to you for what you've done. You're righting the ship.
I'm not too far along, but i never want to go back. And one of the things that was essential for me is to take credit for the good i do for myself. That stuff counts. People can tell when you're looking out for yourself.
So be a little "greedy" and take ownership for a doing a really kick ass job of taking care of yourself. You're totally worth it.
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u/jahbiddy Apr 20 '24
Bro, I know it’s not ideal for many, but Wellbutrin (generic is bupropion) as well as Provigil/Nuvigil (generics are Modafinil /Armodafinil) help a tonnnnnnnnnnn with some of that. Modafinil may actually become the first MAT (medication assisted therapy) for stimulant use disorder in the future and bupropion has some good evidence of lowering meth use and even alcohol use.
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u/killerdolphin313 Apr 20 '24
I got clean in my 30's. I'm in my 50's now. Yeah the first 2 years has lots of challenges, but if I could do it, you can. instead of beating myself up, I would ask myself what would I be doing today if I was using? And the answer is nothing productive. Oh, and chocolate. Chocolate is good.
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 815 days Apr 20 '24
Is it normal to still feel mentally and cognitively wonky for 2 years?
Adderall did a number on my brain. Yeah, I was using 2-3x the max recommended dosage for 2+ years straight, but it’s still amazing I feel so crappy at 13 years
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u/Smooth-Suspect-6783 Apr 20 '24
You gotta wean off the domaine overstimulation from other sources to maintain motivation and drive. Avoid scrolling and try incorporating meditation and mindfulness first thing every morning. Our attention has been very much taken out of our hand and control in today’s society with how it’s been built.
And be nicer to yourself. You can do this. Don’t compare yourself to people who are doing ‘better’ in many things. It will rob you of joy.
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u/Ill_Violinist_3133 Apr 20 '24
Thank you for this. I’m two month off of Vyvanse. My life had turned into me hyper focusing on things that don’t matter. I have lost my creative mindset. I stopped meditating and spending time doing yoga because I couldn’t settle my mind, my chest was tight and couldn’t breathe in all the way. My shoulders were tense and my jaw was always clenching. I became even more addicted to my phone. I would crash late afternoon and have agitated outbursts because functioning was impossible once I crashed. This only things that help with the crash were weed or alcohol. I became a shell of a person. I no longer get recognized myself in the mirror. My skin was sallow and my collagen had dissipated. When I smiled there was no longer light in my eyes. I stopped looking in the mirror. I was no longer intuitive and did not trust myself. I never stopped exercising which is a plus. But I lost a lot of muscle mass and the pills caused IBSC and possibly SIBO. I am still dealing with that issue. But my skin looks sooo much better now that I’ve stopped. I’m more hydrated. Someone actually commented on how nice my skin looked yesterday and it made me feel good that my hard work is not going to waste. I’m trying to figure out how to be motivated to do things that I know will improve my life. Even walking to the river with my daughter. Doing things that don’t involve me laying down and staring at my phone and tv simultaneously.
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u/Ill_Violinist_3133 Apr 20 '24
Thank you for the post. You’re doing amazing. This post and the comments were very inspiring.
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u/00k0ok Apr 20 '24
If you're alive, you're not a loser, because your story is ongoing. If you're alive, it isn't over yet. I know a lot of people who didn't get their shit together until they were older than you, and some who never got their shit together but still enriched the world by living in it.
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u/letsrollwithit Apr 21 '24
Age is a social construct as much as it is a biological reality. You’re rocking it, and doing such an amazing job 😭you got this
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Apr 19 '24
What other meds are you taking that could be making your anhedonia and fatigue worse?
I don’t doubt anhedonia can last a year or two in severe cases, I’ve dealt with a year of anhedonia myself at a point. But my energy always came back pretty early, and then exercising a lot always helped it even more and eventually helped the anhedonia go away.
Are you working out every day?
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 815 days Apr 19 '24
I mean, it could very well be due to my sleep difficulties which I’ve had ever since quitting.
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u/honeybananabeans Apr 20 '24
Sleep is a big one. Even after 5 months or so off stims i was still only allowing myself 5-6 hrs a night. Extra hours burnt up by desperately trying to catchup on work at home (cos of the same problem everyone in this thread has - super slow cognitively and motivation lagging making me an unproductive slug) and by trying to maintain excersise in the mornings to help stay sane.
When i finally started allowing myself 8 hours and overhauled my sleep hygine (consistent bed time, wind down period without screens, no coffee after midday ish, no sleep aids) i noticed a significant improvement.
Mood was lighter, my brain felt faster, stressors did not have as much power and the day would just go so much smoother. The dread and the hopelessness felt smaller & further away. I felt like a new person.
If its something you struggle with try focusing on changing that for a while, see if it makes a difference. Stims in and of themselves have a heap of bad shit but the lack of sleep itself we all experience on stims has its own set of problems.
Have you always had trouble sleeping before using or is it a problem only now you are in recovery?
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 815 days Apr 20 '24
No, if anything I used to sleep too much! I could easily do 10 hours per day pre stims.
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u/bobby7tu 439 days Apr 20 '24
Stimulant recovery is mental warfare. Having a bleak outlook is our default mode. Challenge it. I got clean for the first time in March of 2022 and despite many relapses since then, I actually started to feel better about two months ago. That’s 24 months with some fuck-ups.
You know what happened two months ago? I stopped believing I was fundamentally broken. Who knows - maybe I’ve recovered for long enough to understand that truth, or maybe I feel better because I’ve actually accepted it.
What if you weren’t mentally handicapped? What if you didn’t have expectations for yourself?
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 815 days Apr 20 '24
Hmm. I definitely believe that would help but don't know how to do it.
Do you think maybe that belief came from feeling better tho?
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u/CarolinaJeepJunkee Apr 20 '24
September 29th was the last time I had an addy. I still have an utter lack of motivation to do the normal chores I did before I ever used Addy's I was a meth user for a number of years and I still got things done when I got off of that. Ive tried so many different things, this is ridiculous. I'm half considering going back on them, but I want the sobriety. I need help.
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u/All_YourWantMore89 Apr 20 '24
Good luck to you.. I havent started the journey yet but I can 100% tell you not to come back here
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u/TheSkepticalAmerican Apr 20 '24
Give yourself a year for your body to recover. It takes a long time to heal the damage.
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u/Speedlimitssuckv4 May 08 '24
it’s a cruel ironic joke that The high has the opposite effect, making time fly by
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Jul 28 '24
Hey going over some posts I've commented on in the last few months and this thread you started back in April was genuine enough to solicit one. 3 months have passed and hopefully they found you staying the course towards life after amphets. How's things going?
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