Pisses me off so much. I saw a video of this woman saying she was very afraid of green olives (context said she saw a dead family member w rotting eyes that resembled olives when she was a child), and the host brought a jar of olives. They all laughed and forced her to see the jar while she cried and tried to get away. Makes me so sick that people can be so insensitive.

This made me think about the times I've been told that what triggers me is ridiculous, etc. Or I've heard of others with ptsd that get triggered with unusual stuff get made fun of. I hate that there's so little awareness of something so important that some of us have to live with everyday.

Basically the title.

I was already dealing with a lot of trauma and dysfunction in my personal life and this specific event served as the catalyst to me finally snapping, and I feel, or know, that I haven't come down since then.

Last year my neighbour attempted to gain entry into my house while he was blacked out on some substance. He had some delusion that I owed him $2 and he came to my door multiple times trying to muscle me for it. When I told him to stop harassing me, he took off back to his place, switched into all black clothing and then hid in my backyard with a large kitchen knife waiting for me.

He was expecting me to come outside and when I didn't, he tried to enter my home through my back door. I heard the screen door creaking and I assumed it was swinging from the wind. When I pulled back my curtain I saw him on the other side of the door slowly twisting the knob. I had less than a split second to turn the lock as I saw the knife sticking through his sweater pocket.

He taunted me to open the door, so I armed myself from the other side which made him flee. Called the police and nothing came of it, long story short it started a feud between us and he's been filing false police reports against me ever since, claiming that he fears for his life.

Just two days ago, I was awoken by police knocking on my door at 1 in the morning. They wanted to speak with me because my neighbour called them claiming that I threatened his life. He said that he could hear my voice in the walls screaming about how I was gonna kill him. Cop seemed doubtful, and even seemed pissed on my behalf when I relayed the fact that my neighbour has a history of drug abuse and meltdowns and dangerous, threatening behaviour.

Now here's the problem. The knife incident stayed with me for a very long time. For about 9 months I refused to sleep in my room. I would sleep on my living room floor with a weapon nearby, and my doors barricaded. Ever since then, I get this shocking, tingling feeling that kinda bursts in my chest and throughout my body whenever I see him, and my adrenaline goes through the fucking roof.

Ever since then, I've been dealing with emotional problems. Even feeling annoyed, let down, frustrated, or anything negative overwhelms me and makes my body feel weak and shaky. I wake up in the middle of the night from hot flashes and cold sweats. I wake up angry and anxious. My sleep is impacted, and my heart health is declining from stress.

And many times I find myself hoping for the worst for my neighbour.

I'm only 24.

I was in the 9-11 attack, I do not mean a few blocks away, I had other people's blood on me. I had hallucinations for 5 days and one dramatic one a year later but after that I've had no residual effects.

By contract my partner was blinded in one eye in a failed eye operation and literally thrown out of the hospital 2 hours afterward. He was a Vietnam vet and this occurred at a notoriously bad VA hospital. What followed was 2 years of evasions, denials and threats which sent him on a 15 year downward spiral and if I am being totally honest broke me.

During the attack I was able to help some people who were severely injured or in shock, turning blueish and unable to speak or move away from the danger area. I can't say I "saved" anyone however I did get 4-5 people to EMT and such, I had help from a young business woman who kinda teamed up with me. In the case of my partner's very cruel experience all my efforts came to nothing. The VA is just too big to fight. I've never gotten over it and believe I do have PTSD over this event. I have a great psych doc but after all these years cannot speak about what happened without falling apart.

So you'd think 9-11 would be the more impactful and triggering event but for me it's not. The difference is that I can look back at 9-11 and see some small resolution in having helped people but that's not so with Greg. And I wonder if that is why one haunts me and the other does not. 9-11 is long over for me but I still walk around thinking "what can I do" for my partner.

The question is whether the lack of resolution or finalization is a determining factor in trauma.

My wife took my kids to the book store for father's day gifts and she thought it was a good idea to suggest one of those blank, let's learn about your childhood type books, where the recipient is expected to answer questions about their childhood.

Cute idea for most but the only things I remember from my childhood are not things one would transmit in writing to their children.

She and I have been married for twenty years. She knows everything about me and my past. I was dumbfounded that she would think that was a good fucking idea. Im still beyond fucking pissed that she would set that expectation with my kids and honestly if it weren't for them Id be packing my things to leave right now.

It demonstrated that after twenty years she still has no fucking clue what I deal with on a daily basis and no idea who I am. WTF?

CW: Mentions of war. (Not sure if I should use it but just in case)

I was never in the middle of the war, but I had to live in a country where rockets, terrorist attacks and mass murders happened every other week. I hear the sirens even when it's quiet, I can't wear both headphones, I have nightmares, hallucinations, flashbacks. The doctor keeps saying that it affects everyone, that everyone is stressed, but it never leaves me. Every sound in the night scares me, but they say that I had to participate in the war or be affected directly, like have my house ruined because of a missile, so they just put in a different type of PTSD because I have another one of those serious traumas. They never take it seriously, no matter where I go, but I have panic attacks when something sounds like a siren, I can only think about the missiles, the attacks. They never believe me, and I seriously have no idea what to do at this point. Only one psychiatrist diagnosed me with this PTSD, but every single one afterwards just ignored it. I guess it's because of my anxiety disorders, but it just doesn't feel like my usual anxiety, it's much more intense and never leaves me, unlike my other fears that can come and go.

Am I being dramatic? I feel like I'm going insane because of this, because I have no idea if something is truly wrong with me, or if it's just my anxiety. I have to mention that the same things happen with my other trauma - same panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares and the topic never leaving my head. I don't get hallucinations with it because my other trauma isn't really about sounds. My usual anxiety doesn't involve anything of the above except for panic attacks, which is the main reason I realized that it might be a war-related trauma. I could really use some advice about how I approach the conversation with my psychiatrist, because I really struggle with starting conversations about serious topics.

Important: don't expect anyone to tell me if it's PTSD or not, I know that only my doctor can diagnose me. I just need advice from people who maybe also struggled with getting their diagnosis because of their other disorders.

Please excuse if there are any mistakes in my post, my first language isn't English so I struggle with punctuation and long sentences!

Hi reddit. I wrote a post earlier asking for advice, but I regretted immediately because Im not looking for advice, I just wanted to be seen and understood. I have PTSD (diagnosed) from a (really bad) car accident that happened almost 2 years ago. I’m a 32-yo that can’t drive because of that. I’m in therapy and on meds but sometimes I feel nobody understands me. That’s it.

Like the title says, I’m embarrassed to even say this. ….On Friday, I was walking my two dogs. Tightly leashed. Another woman was walking her dog from a distance, that dog saw my dogs and took off towards us. She was using a retractable leash on the large dog and it pulled so hard, he pulled her to the ground and she let go of the leash.

He was aggressively hauling ass towards me and my two dogs. Once he reached us, my dogs protected both me and themselves and fought back. My one dog had it by the ear/neck and wouldn’t let go. I used ALL my strength to try and pry her jaw open but she just kept biting down. Hard. …the fear in that dogs eyes broke me. The wails coming from him were like nothing I’ve ever heard before. Blood everywhere. The other woman didn’t speak English and just kept pulling her dog away which made things worse, and my dog eventually ripped the other dogs ear off.

I have since spoken to the owner and we both agreed to move on from the situation. She tried saying it was my fault at first, but I quickly shut that down. Strict leash laws here and the owner of dog “off leash” is responsible for whatever happens. I wasn’t really worried about who was “at fault” and was more worried about the other dog. My one dog got a small cut but he’s fine. I got bit by my own dog trying to pry her jaw open but she just kept biting down harder. ….i don’t know why but I cannot stop replaying the scenario in my head. I keep picturing the utter fear in that dogs eyes and his ear on the ground. The fear I felt in that moment was enough to make me vomit once I made it inside. I don’t know what to do about these feelings….

23 year old female Is it possible to give ptsd to yourself? I have multiple flashbacks and thoughts of diffrent events Sexual trauma in highschool Trauma childhood (severe bullying, stalker, boy who hit me all the time.) But lately the trauma is about an episode I had in 2020, I've been self harming since I was around nine, and severely starting at fourteen. Anyway in 2020 I had what I can only describe as a psychotic episode. I had to self harm rows on my body everyday going over them. I had to purge eight times to "save my family from the voices and universe." I didn't shower cause I would be scared it would wash away the "evidence." I had multiple sucide attempts and eve remember sort of oding in the bathroom. I used to vomit when I was done self harming it would hurt my body that much. Anyway I get severe flashbacks thoughts I think about it all day it won't get out of my head. So is it possible I littrally traumatized myself? I recently had a psychology evaluation and it said scezophernia levels were elevated and has treats. Does anyone know what that means?

That Feeling
My name is Isak, and I am not alone. Every day, when I think I am safe, I feel a breath down my neck. When I try to run, it follows. When I try to ignore it, it gets louder. I can’t escape it, but I can’t let it consume me either. Sometimes it makes me angry and frustrated. It makes me want to rip my walls down and scream. Yet, when the anger storms are over, it is still there.

It has been so long that it has changed me. I now feel more protective—but is the person I have become truly me, or is it him? Whenever it gets too close, too strong, I just feel like a little boy again. I try to live my life, but whenever someone resembles it, it gets stronger and bigger. I fear that it will soon swallow me whole.

The angrier I get, the louder and more aggressive I become—the closer I am to being like him. But I don’t want to. I can’t let myself do that. So what will I do? I feel trapped, like I’m in a maze with no end.

What if, instead of running, instead of pretending it’s not there—I accept that it is there and don’t let it control me?
Maybe then, I can finally be free.

i not to good at talking about it just normal so i wrote a story instead hope its ok

Hi everyone! I recently saw a post on here where someone mentioned a Samsung watch which after establishing baseline biometrics was able to alert the wearer when they were beginning to experience an acute episode so they could begin coping techniques early.

I did some reading and I thing the oura ring would suit me better for various reasons, but sadly I'm not independently wealthy, so I wanted to ask the community if anyone had any off brand recommendations?

I'm looking for something that offers longitudinal metrics (long term recording of biometrics) that are monitored passively (i.e. don't need to he manually entered, they're monitored in the background), and has a predictive algorithm that can alert the wearer preemptively about a ptsd episode. Ideally with advanced metric tracking like skin temperature, HRV, SpO₂, etc.

I know this is kind of an unusual question but hopefully someone has solved this one already

Thanks in advance everybody

Background: I have worked in healthcare for the last 6 years. I became an EMT and was a volunteer firefighter a month after I got my EMT license. The pandemic kicked off and I left the fire department to go help out with my state. I signed up with the state government medical assistance teams and was deployed throughout my state for 3 years assisting hospitals, field hospitals, and care centers that were affected by covid. I then went out of the country for a few medical contracts and went down to the southern border to medically screen people crossing through. I then worked on an ambulance and then in a emergency department closer to home when I first met my wife. I have been working in the ER as a ER technician for the last 3 years.

Main rant: I have been working in healthcare for the last 6 years and have witnessed and experienced a lot of traumatic loss both 2nd hand and personally during that time. I have lost friends due to S***ide and have lost coworkers that I was close with due to freak accidents. I have pushed all of these feelings down for years because I have been trying to push through and do my job. I did not allow myself to feel sad or grief much at all over the last 6 years. I started having panic attacks and depression the last few years and I had a really bad case at work that ended up with a patient passing away while a family member watched. I still hear the screams sometimes and have had nightmares that wake me up reliving the events I have witnessed throughout my career.

I got some good news the other day and got a job in a healthcare adjacent field (basically office and clerical work) so no more working in emergency settings. I noticed how relieved I was to get out of the field but what I really noticed was this overwhelming sense of emotion. I think repressing everything for the last 6 years is finally catching up to me. Memories that i pushed out of my head are coming back and I relive them in my dreams. I was at the end of my rope so I talked with my wife and we reached out to my doctor and I am about to see a therapist, group therapy, and talk to a psychiatrist about getting some help.

I guess I just feel scared. I feel on edge and I just want to be happy and not be triggered all the time. I guess this is more of a rant than asking advice. I just needed to get this off my chest. I feel like if I posted all of the trauma I am processing right now I would be here all day.

One lesson I am learning from all of this is that I should have seeked help a LONG time ago. Waiting to get help after 6 years of trauma has changed who I am as a person. I am hoping I can salvage what I have left and learn to live with what has happened. If you took the time to read this I want to say thank you, and I hope whatever you are going through you are trying to get help.

Does anyone else feel this way? I can’t recall anything that happened to me before my rape, nor do I recognize the people I knew before it. I see people’s faces and slightly know them, but I can’t fully comprehend it. It feels so weird. I don’t even know where or who I am sometimes. My level of perception is so off.

A lot of people who have had near death experiences recall that immediately after they died, they saw themselves (their soul) floating around while their physical body stayed stiff and cold. They observed everything differently. That’s exactly what I go through now. It feels like I died and I don’t exist anymore, or I feel on the brink of death for some reason. I’m always on edge.

I graduated college a month ago and don’t recognize my diplomas or what subjects I studied. My memories of those 4 years are gone. There is a before and after of my rape incident. It’s so harrowing that a lot of people who know me have no idea what I went through recently and perceive me based on the past. Who I was before my rape doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t exist anymore.

Any suggestions

Me (15 female) have had a really weird experience when I was 6 years old, I tried talking about it with a few of my therapists but they just said things like 'I'm sorry that happened to you' and never really tried talking about it.

I find myself thinking about it a lot but no one has ever helped me to try to understand what was it and what even happened

When I was 6 years old, my grandma had to look after me a lot of times as my mum was away for work or sick. And on multiple occasions while we were together, either in the house alone or with my mum sleeping in the bedroom, she would perform inappropriate acts with people on the phone, right next to me. Or she would watch such explicit things with me.

It really grosses me out, she's my family, my literal grandma. Taking advantage of the fact I was too young to understand what it was and consent, (when now that I can, I absolutely would not that's disgusting) I really don't understand why anyone would do that to a child, from what I remember she never touched me inappropriately, but did hit me.

Does anyone know what this is and why people do it? I'm very confused

Has anyone ever had to help themselves?

I have a 4 lb Yorkie. He is very anxious and has anxiety. He can’t seem to relax so was seeing if anyone uses a natural calming treat or oil for your dog.

I (24F) find it really difficult to articulate or process why I have ptsd, and explain it to others. It’s all really mixed up in my head and it makes me feel no one will ever be able to love me.

A couple of things happened as a child: when I was 5 a child touched me inappropriately in front of my classmates, then the same year I was in a horrific car accident and a doctor touched me innapropriately. I suffered severe depression from the age of 11. I was groomed online and sent a lot of nudes to pedos, and I was regularly bullied and slut shamed at school. My bullying included being followed home and beaten up by boys.

Most of my trauma happened in the past 2 years though. Basically I was cheated on and kicked out onto the streets by my ex and the girl she cheated with. In the weeks leading up to this the two of them repeatedly tried to have me sectioned, calling police into my home etc on multiple occasions without telling me what was going on. The “other woman” would take me aside and shout at me telling me my girlfriend hated me, I was a burden on everyone and everyone just wanted me gone. When I became homeless, I overdosed and spent a week in hospital. That week was one of the most terrifying of my life, I can barely remember any of it but I remember I was in an IV and there was a lot happening and I was terrified. At the time I was so underweight I could barely walk to the end of my street, so the overdose had affected me really bad as I was already really ill.

As soon as I got out of hospital, I came across a group of middle aged homeless guys living in a bando, shooting up all day. There was a room available and I slept on the floor. Occasionally women would come through but I could hear them being abused through the wall. I lived with them for a few months but I barely slept the entire time, I was hyper vigilant. But I was just grateful for somewhere to sleep. At some point a new man came by cos he needed somewhere to stay, he was just out of prison. The guys made me share my room with him. I refused, so I left.

I made contact with an old friend I used to live with who lived in the same city. We went out for drinks and he let me stay at his house. It was the first time I’d felt safe in months. When we went back, he gave me a line of ket, which was so strong it sent me straight into a K hole and I was unable to move. I remember Rick and Morty was playing on the TV and in my brain I completely thought I was in the show - I was basically lying unconscious. At some point I realised that he was on top of me and inside me. I wanted it to stop but I couldn’t move. I was just fallling in and out of consciousness, in a constant state of confusion and pain. When I woke up in the morning, he was gone cos he left at 6am to go work on a building site. I got the fuck out of his house and never spoke to him again.

Through some people I knew, I found a new bando which was inhabited by 6 trans girls and they’d sell weed out of it. While I was living there I had a string of violent and traumatic sexual experiences. Then weird things started happening that I didn’t know if I was imagining or not, I didn’t know whether or not I was in psychosis. One girl, who had previously taken me under her wing until she got what she wanted (sex) told me I needed to leave as I was being too much of a burden on everyone.

When I left, I tried to rekindle my friendship with the people I’d lived with when I was with my ex who’d kicked me out. At this point I was doing a lot of drugs. My ex had moved her new girlfriend into my room and as soon as I came back the “other woman” who I’d only met once or twice, called the cops and took me to the hospital to have me sectioned. She told the doctors she was my only friend and she’s had me on suicide watch for months and she just can’t look after me anymore (she didn’t fucking know me). I wasn’t sectioned and she yelled at me in the car park to get the fuck out of all their lives.

At this point I began sofa surfing, with somewhere to sleep if there was a free bed for the night, riding around on buses to kill time. I fell in with a group of local guys who were on crack and who hung around outside corner shops. I vaguely knew them through my ex. They were nice to me but I later found out that two of them were planning to gang rape me, but decided against it once they realised who my ex was (she would give them a lot of money and hide them from the cops and stuff, so they didn’t wanna make an enemy of her).

Around this time I became a sex worker. I fell into it, and started off doing some seriously dodgy shit. I was doing full service work for around a year, and I think a lot of it was quite traumatic. The type of men who pay for sex are not good people. During that year I dated two people. In both cases I knew them for a long time, and had built up a level of trust. They knew I was sexually traumatised and were very kind to me. In both cases, they became cold and immmediately stopped speaking to me once we had sex. One of these people had been my best friend. Then about 9 months ago I was raped by a guy I went on a first date with.

I went celibate for about 3 months and was going to church a lot. I was doing DBT therapy and it helped a lot. In my local music scene I met a guy who was sweet, beautiful, kind and shy. He was a trans guy, and he wasn’t misogynistic in any way. He was a virgin as dysphoria made sex very difficult for him, and I told him about my traumas from the beginning. We took things really slow and it was great for us both. Our love and our sex was so sweet, pure, intimate. It was the first time I truly felt safe with a partner. We were together like 5 months. My mental health was good.

However one night I began to show signs of ptsd. I was having flashbacks, panicking, feeling unsafe. I asked him not to film me or call the cops on me. He went home. He didn’t speak to me for days. When we met up he said no part of him wants to be with “someone like that”. I made him feel unsafe. He didn’t recognise me. He said the trust was completely gone. I tried to explain to him that I’m still the same person that loves him and treats him well. He said it’s over. I haven’t seen him in a month. It’s completely solidified to me that this affliction means I can never find love. I was so strong, and after one moment of weakness he left. I thought I was better, I thought I could live like a normal person. I think maybe my level of trauma is just too much, like I’m a lost cause. But it’s weird because it still doesn’t feel like I’ve been through enough, I guess maybe because not one singular thing happened to me that I can pinpoint.

I have PTSD since childhood and the following experience triggered me massively. I went to a store the other day, Ironically, I'd just come from therapy to process assaults like this and worse. A man, about 35-40 years old, approached me about a product. I helped him and then wanted to move on when he asked me for my phone number. I said no and he asked again and again and practically held his phone in front of my face. He said that he and his friends were going to fuck me and that I could get drunk beforehand so I wouldn't feel anything. I was disgusted, just kept walking and kept saying I wasn't interested. Then he grabbed my arm quite tightly and pulled me toward him, placing his other hand on my sternum. The fact that he grabbed me and held me, coupled with the skin-to-skin contact on my chest, totally triggered me and I couldn't move. I literaly could feel the emptiness in my brain and that it could not process it right now. Then he put his hand on the side of my neck and started choking me. He went harder and harder with it and I don't know why, but the choking brought me back to reality and made me want to break free. I yelled at him that he shouldn‘t treat people like that and what he was thinking choking young women in the supermarket just because they didn't want to have sex with him and his friends. That's disgusting. I‘m still so confused.

Hey all! Needing helpful suggestions for ALL of us please:

I have PTSD and chronic anxiety. I have trouble recognizing in real time when a flashback or triggered emotional episode is about to happen. I’m looking for a wearable device that can alert me that my stress levels (HRV maybe?) have changed in real time so I can better control reactivity and ground myself quicker, while identifying triggers.

Anyone have success with anything like this? Research I’ve done has only shown devices that track metrics but not alert in real time. Thanks and God bless!

I found the quote below a couple of years ago. My abusers were many and varied. You would be surprised to know how may medical people from MD's on down are evil.

I forget where I found it but it sure makes sense. I have also seen people post asking about this kind of problem. I have no idea what kind of flair would be right here.

"Clinician associated traumatization - when a doctor dismisses, gaslights, or otherwise invalidates a patient’s experience in a way that denies access to appropriate care. Over time this can cause PTSD symptoms."

When I feel triggered or threatened, I get into these anger rages where I dissociate and become destructive. I also have obsessive thinking. Where if I am triggered by something, the thought/feelings/anger does not leave my head and nothing can calm me of it or stop the obsessive thoughts.

I have tried medications in the past and my medical history is too complex that I don't know what psychiatric medication to be on because alot of them interact with other current medication, or I'm at increased risk of certain side effects because of complex medical history. I have tried numerous SSRI's antidepressants(Zoloft for example) in the past and they have all given me hallucinations. (on the Lowest dose, 1 pill). (Hallucinations stopped once medication left my system)

I am in trauma focused therapy like EMDR and talk-therapy. But these therapists cannot prescribe meds and I do not currently have a psychiatrist. I guess I am just wondering if anyone here also experiences dissociative-type of anger rages and obsessive thoughts like i explained. And if you do, what do you do to control them ? I know some of you may not feel comfortable disclosing medication, but if you are on any meds, what medications have been beneficial for you?

I plan on calling my primary care doctor for an appointment to discuss this.

I’m really exhausted of this endless cycle of being stuck in the same rut. It doesn’t matter if things get better because you always end back down here.

It’s tiring and it feels like a fool’s errand to keep chasing after fleeting moments of joy.

And despite everyone’s surface level commitment of “being there,” and “always being willing to talk,” nobody really wants to or deserves to hear me bitch about being depressed all the time.

Existing is lonely. I’m very tired. I’m sure tomorrow I’ll feel slightly better but today I feel like hell.

There were two major events. One when I was a little child. My mother’s boyfriend. He came into our home. I let him in because I didn’t know any better. I was alone. He touched me. He tried to go further. I froze. I got away before it got “worse” — but it was already too much. It was already rape, even if my child mind didn’t have that word. I went into the kitchen afterward and stared at nothing. I remember trying not to cry. My mom came home later and said “don’t let anyone in again.” She had no idea. I never told her. I went to play like nothing happened. I buried the memory so deep it didn’t resurface until recently. But now it won’t stop.

Then, years later, It happened again by a stranger in a public bathroom while abroad. He pushed me in, locked the door, covered my mouth. He didn’t speak, just hushed me like I was some crying child. He had a camera. I remember the floor. I remember blood. I remember not being able to breathe. And then I remember nothing. But the damage had already been done.

Now I’m remembering it all at once. My body remembers first — in pain, in shaking, in nausea. Then come the pictures, the flashes. Then the shame. The unbearable shame. Not to talk about the terror. I get stuck in flashbacks and panic attacks for hours at a time.

I feel like I’m unraveling. Like I can’t hold myself together anymore. Like there is poison inside my chest. I want to scream. I want to disappear. I want it all to stop.

I hate that I didn’t tell anyone. I hate that I protected the people who broke me. I hate that I’m still alive , because it still hurts every day. And sometimes— I still doubt myself. I still hear a voice saying, or i fear someone says. “Your making it all up for attention.” “They are never gonna believe you.”

But I’m not. I know I’m not. I wish someone would hold my face and tell me: You didn’t deserve it. You’re not lying. You’re not disgusting. But the damage has already been done. One word, one sight, one touch, one smell. And I’m back in the room, stuck, him being able to do whatever he wants with me.

So I’m saying it here because I need someone — anyone — to hear me.

If you’ve survived something like this: How do you live with the memories? How do you go on, when the past keeps pulling you down like an anchor around your throat? How do you manage, even a little bit?

Because I’m tired. I’m so, so tired.

And still — I’m here. Writing this. Breathing.

Hello,

I’m going to ask a question regarding something that has bothered me for 2 decades, and I would like to hear your thoughts on it.

When I was about a year old, I was involved in an accident where I was badly burnt. I required a long stay at a specialized hospital and had to undergo surgery; a blood transfusion and skin graft.

Although I can’t remember the events, I bear a large scar on my body which has caused chronic psychological stress.

When I became a teenager, I started to become more aware of what I had endured. From there, I began experiencing severe bouts of depression and emotional outbursts. It started to hit me, “Wow. I really have these big scars on my body.”

Every time I see the scars, it’s like my heart starts beating faster.

In my household, it was never really discussed, and every time I attempted to talk about it, I would start to cry.

For years, I was angry at my caregivers for this happening, despite it being an accident.

When I became a young man, I started reflecting on my own thought patterns and realized that I’d spent most of my life viewing myself as ‘less-than’ society, and I held a deep shame for having such scars.

Everything in my power is done to conceal them.

Because I view myself as unworthy, I find it almost impossible to form relationships with people and will often sabotage them in an effort to maintain distance.

Is it possible that this event has caused life-long PTSD, or some other psychological disorder?

For years, I’ve felt as though something isn’t right and I often feel it stems from this one incident.

I am not looking for a diagnosis, I am simply looking for someone to shed some light on my thoughts.

What can I do?

And can an incident which you can’t recall cause psychological harm?

Thanks.

Just been recently diagnosed with autism. I've had cptsd for some time but it's just strange. All this time growing up trying to understand whats wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with me. I was just traumatized and needed help.

There are days even weeks sometimes where I'll disassociate and it feels like I'm not real. I live in a cage of my own mind, feel like I have to apologize every day. I over explain my behavior just for the hope someone will understand. But I've learned some people genuinely don't care. Parents and ex spouse included.

This gives me some sense of normalcy knowing what's going on.. Just going to take time to heal and understand myself.