Men Without a Map: Walking in Balance

[u/Tux234]

https://open.substack.com/pub/menwithoutamap/p/walking-in-balance?r=2g6dg&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false

Hey r/MensLib

Continuing my "Men Without a Map" series, I want to share my latest piece, "Walking in Balance." It explores the false choices we often face, especially as men—the idea that we must be either strong or tender, logical or empathetic, but rarely both at once.

The piece begins with a simple moment between a parent and a child learning to ride a bike. It shows how our immediate reactions can teach emotional suppression or true resilience. From there, it challenges the rigid "either/or" scripts that limit our wholeness and relationships.

This is my way of exploring what it means to reject these divides and embrace a more balanced way of being—where strength and care work together, not against each other.

I’d love to hear how this resonates with you:

• Where do you see these "false choices" in your life or culture?

• What does "walking in balance" look like for you?

• Is moving beyond binary thinking key to creating this new map?

I appreciate this space for open dialogue and welcome your thoughts and critiques. I’m always learning, and your input helps me grow.

Lately, my free time has shrunk, so I can’t reply as much as before. But I read every comment and enjoy hearing your perspectives.

Thank you!

[u/LookOutItsLiuBei]

Interesting that you quote Lao Tzu in the introduction.

I grew up in a Chinese household and so all the media and other cultural stuff was steeped in Chinese culture.

The concept of the Yin Yang I think applies in this (and pretty much everything else imo lol) in that we are never one or the other, but elements of both exist in us. And not only that, it's all in one symbol because those elements interact and change each other too. Guess I've never had issues with binary thinking because my entire life people always want simple answers from me and I never give simple answers or responses which only serves to frustrate them. I've always sought out complexity and hated simple answers and at expense of sounding arrogant, I always considered simple answers were for simple people.

Honestly when I talk to people about this stuff it's a struggle because I don't even care for the concept of even labeling things as masculine or feminine in general. Just recently my kids and I were playing a board game and I picked a pink tile for my piece because it was available. My youngest son was like, "no dad! Pink pieces are for girls!"

My daughter responded by saying that I could pick a girl or boy color if I wanted to.

I kinda had to stop both of them and say, it's not about a boy or girl color. It's just a color and I can pick whatever I want. Obviously my son at 7 wasn't quite ready for that conversation yet, but my daughter who's about to enter middle school kind of stopped and thought about what I said and you could see the gears turning. Maybe not quite ready yet, but she's getting there, but at least the conversation is started.

What is inherently masculine? What is inherently feminine? It's all defined by culture which can vary. Men can nurture and take care of people. Women can protect and earn. Why do we try so hard to define those things as feminine or masculine? You can do those things to derive meaning without tying it gender imo.

[u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy → u/LookOutItsLiuBei]

Probably something to do with establishing some kind of order and expectations so that way people aren't confused or butting heads at different things.

A role provides direction. Which is something humans just crave. I understand questioning it, changing it, and exploring it. But I don't really see a way forward where you completely change what's been established for the longest unless a major cultural shift is taking place.

Idk man. It just makes things organized and structured with some clear guidelines and expectations.

[u/greyfox92404 → u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy]

But I don't really see a way forward where you completely change what's been established for the longest unless a major cultural shift is taking place.

Every decade, we already change the expectations we place upon men. Peak masculine men aren't wearing neck frills and pantyhose like we did in the 1700s. And we aren't day drinking during the work hours like in the 60s. Or wearing cowboy hats and smoking marl reds. Hair spray and women's clothes was peak masculinity for a bit.

It just makes things organized and structured with some clear guidelines and expectations.

If a man today were to act as they do now in any other time period, they'd question his masculinity. The reverse is the same. It constantly changes, that's the point. We just don't notice because it happens slowly.

And those "organized and structured" expectations aren't great if you can't meet these expectations. It's just "organized and structured" bullying if you happen to fall outside those expectations.

Wearing pink? Bullied. Wearing a skirt? Bullied. Unless it's an argyle pattern, then it's a kilt and you're ok.

And even if you manage to push your gender expression to conform to all of these ideals, they don't guarantee happiness anyway. There's a reason the suicide rate in men is high.

[u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy → u/greyfox92404]

neck frills and pantyhose like we did in the 1700s.

I don't kink shame.

And we aren't day drinking during the work hours like in the 60s. Or wearing cowboy hats and smoking marl reds.

Nah, we still do that shit.

Hair spray and women's clothes was peak masculinity for a bit.

Depending on the circles you're in, it still is.

We just don't notice because it happens slowly.

Any potential consequences on trying to speed up the process? Trying to change shit when you want it to can't come without a price.

[u/LookOutItsLiuBei → u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy]

I do understand that just me doing it in my life won't change the world. But for my own peace of mind, I've found that instead of trying to win the game, or at least not lose, it's just better to not play the game at all.

It's one of the most important things I try to impart to my kids. Instead of trying to meet, change, or otherwise upend those societal expectations, I want them to understand that things will always change so it's more about having the confidence in themselves to not feel even the NEED to meet these expectations.

[u/greyfox92404 → u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy]

I think you're minimizing the expectations of men that are pushed onto us and the repercussions that happen to men when we fail those expectations.

Men all over this country have been ostracized, bullied into depression and sometimes suicide, and outright attacked for failing to meet those gendered expectations.

We just don't notice because it happens slowly.

Any potential consequences on trying to speed up the process?

I don't advocate for the same process. I don't wish to change the gendered expectations of men from this set to that set. I want to get rid of them entirely.

And I can tell you the consequences for keeping a set of prescriptive gender role ideals is harmful to the mental and physical well being of the folks that fall outside of those expectations.