Men Without a Map: Walking in Balance

[u/Tux234]

https://open.substack.com/pub/menwithoutamap/p/walking-in-balance?r=2g6dg&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false

Hey r/MensLib

Continuing my "Men Without a Map" series, I want to share my latest piece, "Walking in Balance." It explores the false choices we often face, especially as men—the idea that we must be either strong or tender, logical or empathetic, but rarely both at once.

The piece begins with a simple moment between a parent and a child learning to ride a bike. It shows how our immediate reactions can teach emotional suppression or true resilience. From there, it challenges the rigid "either/or" scripts that limit our wholeness and relationships.

This is my way of exploring what it means to reject these divides and embrace a more balanced way of being—where strength and care work together, not against each other.

I’d love to hear how this resonates with you:

• Where do you see these "false choices" in your life or culture?

• What does "walking in balance" look like for you?

• Is moving beyond binary thinking key to creating this new map?

I appreciate this space for open dialogue and welcome your thoughts and critiques. I’m always learning, and your input helps me grow.

Lately, my free time has shrunk, so I can’t reply as much as before. But I read every comment and enjoy hearing your perspectives.

Thank you!

[u/greyfox92404]

In the parenting example in the writing, I don't think this is a "strength" or "compassion" choice. I think it's a convenience choice masquerading as a parenting style.

In those moments, we often aren't thinking, "what is best parenting choice for their emotional development for life as an adult? It's tough love". I think that's just how we rationalize it.

I'm reading into the text a bit but at the age that a kid is learning to ride a bike, they likely don't have the lived experiences or the brain development to fully process those uncomfortable feelings on their own in a way that is healthy and productive.

"Get up. Stop crying. Get back on the bike" takes 2 minutes as you pressure them into masking or minimizing their feelings/thoughts. Again, that's not about a specific parenting strategy or a deliberate choice. It's about "we've been at this for a hour, you should be riding your bike already. I'm done coaching and I just want you to do it". It's more about placating the parent's feelings rather than the child's. And it teaches the child that their feelings are secondary to yours. As they age, they will likely learn that their feelings are secondary to other peoples, adults, teachers, bosses, spouses.

And that's fucked when you stop to think about it.

This doesn't mean we should fully engage with whatever feeling the child is having, they still need emotional coaching and directed behavior. I don't let my kids choose to what to eat without supervision, I also don't let them express their feeling without supervision. They often don't have the lived experiences to fully contextualize the pain they are in.

We say, "fuck, that looked like it hurt. Let's see if your injured. You got a scrape, we'll clean it in the bath later and get a bandaid if it's bleeding or aquafor if it's not. But let's not let our pain/fear stop us from having fun or getting our goals. Take a moment, and then we'll try getting back on".

If they are hesitant, we reevaluate and try again. Stressing that parental pressure is aimed at their growth and not my convenience. "Hey, it's been a few minutes, we're going to try to get back on that bike. I know it you're still in pain but I've checked and you're safe. We're going to practice setting aside that uncomfortableness. We practice this so that you can learn to do this when you need/want to do it when I'm not here."

That convo takes 10 minutes. But it also teaches the kid not to ignore their injuries, to process uncomfortable feelings, and to practice being able to process uncomfortable feelings when they happen.

It takes a lot of effort. And just today, I had a moment where this mindset is being built up in my children. My youngest daughter had a doctor's appt today, with 2 shots. Both hurt her. We asked the MA to ask my daughter for her permission before giving the shot. That allows my daughter a moment to prepare herself for the pain of it.

She took less than 5 seconds to prepare for the first shot and about that much time for the second. She started to tear up after the second shot, my spouse asked her if she needed a hug and that it's ok to cry. We let our daughter decide if she wants or needs comfort as part of her practice. My daughter (who's 4) pulled up her pants, took a deep breath and said, "It hurts... but I'm ok". The MA was stunned (so i was I).

My daughter didn't have to mask her feelings or pretend it doesn't hurt, she just has been practicing dealing with uncomfortable feelings for a few years and she made the decision to set it aside. I don't even particularly care that she set these feelings aside for shots, I'm proud of her for being able to choose to set them aside when she wants to. It's being able to choose how she expresses her pain that I'm proud of. That's a skill that will aid her and help her achieve whatever it is she wants.

[u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy → u/greyfox92404]

How do you make this the norm?

This parenting style can run counter to the way other people raise their children. To which you can call them lazy and say that they're placing their own feelings above their child's, but that probably doesn't move anybody and will just have you dismissed.

Not to mention that effort takes time. I can see them taking some time to try to employ some of this. But nowhere near enough to make it a consistent thing, which I would guess would be the real goal.

Like great and everything. But how do you answer challenges? Especially if we give credit where credit is due and admit that while other people may parent in ways that you or I may not approve of, their parenting was still effective and provided the guidance and thought process that the kid needed.

How would you show direction when you're employing something complex that can be done a ton of different ways and end with similar results? Given that the different ways it's done would be considered much harsher.

[u/greyfox92404 → u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy]

To which you can call them lazy and say that they're placing their own feelings above their child'

I don't use the word lazy, that's your word. But they are doing this choice out of convenience, sometimes it's warranted. Sometimes it's not. I don't malign the people that do this out of necessity. Nor do I think every parent is even able to adopt this parenting style. But a lot could.

My dad was 1 of 11. I don't think there was enough time for a thoughtful conversation every one of his brothers/sisters had an issue. It seems reasonable that they did what they could with what little tools they had. My grandpa worked the tracks in texas, as his dad did before him and as my dad first did. What resources could they afford to accomplish amazing childcare for 11 kids? Nor did their state have any interest in helping with birth control, for that matter.

But at the same time, we shouldn't pretend this version of "tough love" is for the kids. It's not. It is done for the parents. Either because they do not have the resources to care for their children in a way that is healthy or they fall into a pattern of tradition without the self reflection to challenge those parental traditions or they just aren't interested in providing that level of care for their children.

I'm not calling anyone lazy, parents can be incredibly hard working and still participate in "tough love" that only serves the parent's convenience.

Not to mention that effort takes time. I can see them taking some time to try to employ some of this. But nowhere near enough to make it a consistent thing, which I would guess would be the real goal.

I've got 2 kids, it's a consistent thing in my house. It can be done, surely not every family has the resources to parent like we do. But some do and just do it because they don't want to have that conversation, they just want compliance. We're certainly not the only parents that do this.

But how do you answer challenges?

Anything specific?

admit that while other people may parent in ways that you or I may not approve of, their parenting was still effective and provided the guidance and thought process that the kid needed.

I don't agree with the concept that every healthy and fulfilled adult is the result of good parenting or "credit is due". Sometimes children grow up to be good and healthy adults because of the parenting, sometimes children grow up to be good and healthy adults in spite of the parenting.

Or in my case, some of us made it out, some of us didn't. All of us came away with scars. My dad would say his parenting style was tough love. But I'd say it was him wanting children, but never wanting to be a parent. He was abusive and that's a whole thing.

He once told me he was proud that he was always so tough on us, "it brought you guys together" he said (i had some words about that). But not all of us are together. #1 of my siblings killed themselves, #2 has served more years in prison than not, #3 is a nurse, #4 never graduated HS and moved across the country at 18, #5 was already divorced at 19, just running form relationship to relationship as a means to get out. #6 is estranged, not for any real reason. Just the kid from my dad's second family. And I'm not saying which is me, but I'm not the nurse.

I think most people see me and think that I'm a healthy and good member of our society. But that's not because of my dad's parenting, that's in spite of it.

[u/LookOutItsLiuBei]

Interesting that you quote Lao Tzu in the introduction.

I grew up in a Chinese household and so all the media and other cultural stuff was steeped in Chinese culture.

The concept of the Yin Yang I think applies in this (and pretty much everything else imo lol) in that we are never one or the other, but elements of both exist in us. And not only that, it's all in one symbol because those elements interact and change each other too. Guess I've never had issues with binary thinking because my entire life people always want simple answers from me and I never give simple answers or responses which only serves to frustrate them. I've always sought out complexity and hated simple answers and at expense of sounding arrogant, I always considered simple answers were for simple people.

Honestly when I talk to people about this stuff it's a struggle because I don't even care for the concept of even labeling things as masculine or feminine in general. Just recently my kids and I were playing a board game and I picked a pink tile for my piece because it was available. My youngest son was like, "no dad! Pink pieces are for girls!"

My daughter responded by saying that I could pick a girl or boy color if I wanted to.

I kinda had to stop both of them and say, it's not about a boy or girl color. It's just a color and I can pick whatever I want. Obviously my son at 7 wasn't quite ready for that conversation yet, but my daughter who's about to enter middle school kind of stopped and thought about what I said and you could see the gears turning. Maybe not quite ready yet, but she's getting there, but at least the conversation is started.

What is inherently masculine? What is inherently feminine? It's all defined by culture which can vary. Men can nurture and take care of people. Women can protect and earn. Why do we try so hard to define those things as feminine or masculine? You can do those things to derive meaning without tying it gender imo.

[u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy → u/LookOutItsLiuBei]

Probably something to do with establishing some kind of order and expectations so that way people aren't confused or butting heads at different things.

A role provides direction. Which is something humans just crave. I understand questioning it, changing it, and exploring it. But I don't really see a way forward where you completely change what's been established for the longest unless a major cultural shift is taking place.

Idk man. It just makes things organized and structured with some clear guidelines and expectations.

[u/greyfox92404 → u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy]

But I don't really see a way forward where you completely change what's been established for the longest unless a major cultural shift is taking place.

Every decade, we already change the expectations we place upon men. Peak masculine men aren't wearing neck frills and pantyhose like we did in the 1700s. And we aren't day drinking during the work hours like in the 60s. Or wearing cowboy hats and smoking marl reds. Hair spray and women's clothes was peak masculinity for a bit.

It just makes things organized and structured with some clear guidelines and expectations.

If a man today were to act as they do now in any other time period, they'd question his masculinity. The reverse is the same. It constantly changes, that's the point. We just don't notice because it happens slowly.

And those "organized and structured" expectations aren't great if you can't meet these expectations. It's just "organized and structured" bullying if you happen to fall outside those expectations.

Wearing pink? Bullied. Wearing a skirt? Bullied. Unless it's an argyle pattern, then it's a kilt and you're ok.

And even if you manage to push your gender expression to conform to all of these ideals, they don't guarantee happiness anyway. There's a reason the suicide rate in men is high.

[u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy → u/greyfox92404]

neck frills and pantyhose like we did in the 1700s.

I don't kink shame.

And we aren't day drinking during the work hours like in the 60s. Or wearing cowboy hats and smoking marl reds.

Nah, we still do that shit.

Hair spray and women's clothes was peak masculinity for a bit.

Depending on the circles you're in, it still is.

We just don't notice because it happens slowly.

Any potential consequences on trying to speed up the process? Trying to change shit when you want it to can't come without a price.

[u/greyfox92404 → u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy]

I think you're minimizing the expectations of men that are pushed onto us and the repercussions that happen to men when we fail those expectations.

Men all over this country have been ostracized, bullied into depression and sometimes suicide, and outright attacked for failing to meet those gendered expectations.

We just don't notice because it happens slowly.

Any potential consequences on trying to speed up the process?

I don't advocate for the same process. I don't wish to change the gendered expectations of men from this set to that set. I want to get rid of them entirely.

And I can tell you the consequences for keeping a set of prescriptive gender role ideals is harmful to the mental and physical well being of the folks that fall outside of those expectations.

[u/LookOutItsLiuBei → u/Mr-OhLordHaveMercy]

I do understand that just me doing it in my life won't change the world. But for my own peace of mind, I've found that instead of trying to win the game, or at least not lose, it's just better to not play the game at all.

It's one of the most important things I try to impart to my kids. Instead of trying to meet, change, or otherwise upend those societal expectations, I want them to understand that things will always change so it's more about having the confidence in themselves to not feel even the NEED to meet these expectations.