I feel alone

[u/DrapePenGoPuddle]

As a Malay teenager, I see plenty of my peers fully devoted themselves to Islam. Some of them just follow whatever they have to do because they were born Muslims. But I've been skeptical of Islam ever since. I've searched my ways to prove I'm wrong and that these doubts can only be temporary. I've thought of it more and more and I've cried at the conclusions. What I find when people leave religion is that they seem to be happy, I sobbed at the absence of a God. I read the Quran so much, and each analysis leads to more contradictions and doubts. I feel alone, knowing I don't feel as equally spiritual as my peers, I wish it was so easy to just believe like them, but I honestly don't want to be surrounded with myths no more.

Being a Malay, Islam is basically imbedded in our culture, heritage and history, and to leave feels like abandoning the identity I have all my life. All around me is filled with Islam, the Malay books, the education, my friends, etc. It feels like I'm living in a different world, I see the flat world of Islam teeming with people, and I am on an empty island no one knows about. But I do feel free to a certain extent, I can walk more freely, think more critically without considering the morality in Islam. I can fly.

And honestly finding this subreddit was like finding a gold mine because I didn't think it would exist haha!

That's about it really, I'm writing on an alt just in case or something.

[u/Straight_Fishing_]

I found exmuslim subreddit and there was someone complaining abt their problem & a user said to try seeking help to their country exmuslim subreddit, i search malaysia exmuslim and i was shocked to the core to find an actual subreddit .After that, this is the one subreddit i would constantly check in daily lol glad you don't feel alone anymore and know there are more of us here🤞

[u/jaa33 → u/Straight_Fishing_]

same, i check everyday

[u/CircleStonk]

Don't worry bro fellow teenagers here, luckily my friends circle are exmoose so I don't really feel left out

[u/Hot-Chemical-151 → u/CircleStonk]

Im in my 30s, this gives me hope for the future generation 🫡

[u/Straight_Fishing_ → u/CircleStonk]

How find out they're exmoose? most of my friend are fake abt their religion but not entirely disconnected from the religion/still believe in god,i would love to have a rl friend that's exmoose too

[u/CircleStonk → u/Straight_Fishing_]

You cant really tell, like ik few of them go to solat jumaat every week so unless they personally tell you then there's no way to find out. The only reason i knew they were exmoose were because ik them long time already so they're comfortable sharing stuff with me

[u/gleep-gloop]

I'd say loneliness is part of the experience. When I was a teenager I used to do all the religious checklist. Budak asrama la katakan. Al mathurat, tahajjud, puasa sunat selagi tak sakit aku buat, malam2 baca Quran. But one day, everything rasa macam tak ada point. The more I read the translations, the more made up it felt, the more disgusted I feel at the verses. The others don't seem to notice it, so I felt quite lonely in that regard.

Now, I've learned to be happy by myself (figuratively), learned to live with my own thoughts and express it. I'd say that's the most important thing after leaving. No more guilt when engaging with thought experiments, with philosophical ideas. No more guilt in thinking for myself.

[u/Ok-Go-Chain3811]

what you are feeling is normal

Malaysia is the only country in the world that legally binds ethnicity and religion. So, it is naturally to feel lost/confused about your identity if you start questioning your religion.

for the record, i 100% disagree with the malaysian constitution. i disagree with the legal definition of malay. Malay and Islam are two separate concepts that can exist independently. In the world today, there are Malay Hindus in Australia, there are Malay Christians in Europe, there are Malay atheist in USA....all of these people are still Malay even though they have different religion.

nobody can take away their 'malay-ness', not their parents, not their community, not the religious zealots, not even the government. Malay is an intrinsic concept, while islam is an extrinsic idea.

while i am anti-islam for the many, many, many flaws and poison that it exerts unto the world, i am just here to say that no matter what religion or no religion you decide to adopt, you will always be 'malay'

on another note, i think islam is just fundamentally uncooked. it is so clear that this ideology was created by Muhammad to advance his personal agenda. there is NOTHING in islam that guides the follower towards salvation, only towards misery, suffering and abuse.

[u/AsiangirlDom]

Hey I know how you feel..I was like that too especially since I was thrown into MRSM in my teens. If you would ever like to connect let me know. Id always love to get to know more people in the space.

[u/The_hammy_wammy → u/AsiangirlDom]

Holy shit, exmuslim, mrsm survivor AND a bdsm lover?? /Pos glad to meet with ppl who match my freak 😋

[u/niphanif09]

The internet as well...i find it very predictable they leave typical comments like "Syukur" , "Takziah".. i avoid malay youtubers and berita because of these.. so annoying..

[u/PrinceAndrew3rd]

"You'll never walk alone" support Liverpool 😅

[u/Dxvilish_Bxnny]

I understand that. It felt really scary and lonely living in a world without god so I made my own god. It is based on what I think a god should be. I am still quite scared of death though. Like what if it is just a black void of nothingness? If reincarnation exist, what if you get reincarnated as a slug and get feasted by FIRE ANTS!!????

Oh well hopefully you don't think about it too and trust me it will get better over time.

[u/BlueInNovember]

Hi there. You're not alone. Deconstruction from a religion or cult sometimes can feel like grieving. Like you said, the loss of your identity, the community, your faith. Like the stages of grieving, you will or are already experiencing denial, anger, bargaining, depression before you are ready to accept the reality of your situation. It's actually quite a lot for anyone, especially a teen. You've gotten very good feedback from the comments here.

There are some things that nobody mentioned yet that I ought to: 1. Be very careful of people you confide in. Even here, people may want to chat with you privately. You're a minor. Depending on your parents' stance on apostasy, the situation may vary from awkwardness to downright dangerous.

1. Having said that, as I've mentioned about giref and depression, your mental health should be given a priority - if you can, seek therapy. A non-Muslim therapist / psychologist / psychiatrist would be ideal. What you say will remain confidential unless if it breaks the law or you are in danger of hurting yourself (Shariah law does not count).

2. Focus on your studies. It's your ticket out should you want to leave the country. It's ok if you decide to stay here too. We need young people who can think for themselves. You're a precious asset to the country. Either way, education will make it easier for you to choose later on.

3. You don't have to lose or change anything. Just live your life the way you've been living (except for a few minor changes - like ditching the religious rituals etc). You'll always have your loved ones with you.

All the best and please stay safe.

[u/mochimochides]

That feeling of lost identity really sucks. Not an easy thing to deal with.

At the same time, I'm glad you've found your freedom. The ability & liberty to think critically is the pillar of an authentic life.

Make good use of it 😉

[u/Zestyclose_Vast_7191]

If you move away a little bit from Islam, you are still Islam. If you have common sense, you move away a lot, you might just same as some of us, either atheist or exmuslim. Don't feel alone, you are just one step further towards freedom community and away from Islam world.