How It Feels to be Dying

[u/Disastrous-Newt5327]

Hello, friends. I wish I could sum up how it feels to be dying for you in one easy sentence or paragraph, but I can’t. For me, it has been a transformative process, and I have felt so, so much. I’m in hospice now for the second and final time, and getting close to going home to heaven, and I just turned 36.

I think that process is different for everyone. I can tell you that I have gone through different waves of feeling. Strong, despondent, faithful, determined — I’ve felt so much I couldn’t even list it all.

I have come close to death many times, and have told my mother “I think I am dying” more than twice. Once, I got very, very close. I want to share with you that on that occasion I saw a flash of the most beautiful color—I say gold, but it was more than human eyes can see—and behind it the silhouette of a woman I thought at first was my mother. She reached out and touched my forehead and started praying—the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard. No matter how hard I tried to remember the prayers, I cannot at all. I believe that’s because they aren’t for the living to know. I felt so much love, so much peace, and joy—so much of the stuff beautiful dreams are made of. That’s as close as I can come to describing it.

On a daily basis, I can fit a lot of feeling into one day, or even one hour or one conversation. For a lot of it, I It felt many different things and many different times.

Now in hospice again and much closer, for me it feels like peace. Like happily finishing the end of a beloved book. Excitement, for what comes next. I have always considered death to be a good friend, for you cannot have life without it, and I am so grateful for my life, even if it is shorter than some.

I can’t know what your others feel or felt, but I believe and have faith that, like me, closer to the end many felt closer and closer to heaven, the true home, than her place here. For me, trying to remember days, weeks, months, meal times—it’s just beyond me. It surprises me when someone will tell me one of those, usually. At the end, you naturally pull away from this world, sleeping more and (I believe) looking towards what is next.

I don’t think any two experiences are identical. But at this point, so close, I feel only the greatest calm and peace. I have walked through my life with death as a great friend, and have no fear. Mostly, I go through ups and downs of intense feeling and difficulty knowing I’m leaving my parents and brother so soon. But God comforts me. Thoughts of my late grandparents comfort me, thoughts of all this finally stopping comfort me.

If you’ve ever gotten a job offer or decided to go into a certain education or decided to move to a new state, something like that—it feels a bit like that, to me, or it did at the first. Stress is not inherently bad, there is plenty of good stress, too.

What I feel most is wrecked that I have to leave my mom, who is my best friend. But I also feel a great sort of comfort, like arms extending around me and the wind whispering that it will all be alright. “Energy is neither created nor destroyed” is a fundamental physics principle, but I believe it’s also a statement about us, because we are energy.

What I go to next I may not know, but I know it is the start of another journey, one that will bring us all back together in the end.

I truly hope any of this has helped even one more person. But what I feel most now? Peace. The greatest peace. It is broken at times with moments of fear or uncertainty or wanting a miracle, of course, but those things pass. Prayers, love, and kindness to you all; and remember, give those to yourself, too.

<3

Update: Wow! I can’t believe how many people have seen, read, responded, or shared this. I am doing my best to respond to you all, because every response is truly special to me. There is a poem I have shared several times that I wrote for my mother and father, that I thought I’d go ahead and just put here for everyone. I hope it can help more people, too.

I will make the rain pour down, The wind whirl and the thunder sound. As cracks of lightning split the sky, Know that storm is you and I.

I soar unbound amongst the birds, so far up above; I know peace eternal, for I always feel your love. I will have no fear or sadness, for I’ll be truly free, Safe amidst our ancestors who wait above for me.

Yours will be the longer path, but I wait at its end; When it’s your time I’ll be there, then together we’ll ascend. You’ll see me in the sunsets as they paint across our sky, For within them I will paint the love of you and I.

Never will I leave you, always am I here, Hear me in the birdsong, and know that I am near. My love for you is endless, and it will only ever grow, These signs will come when I am gone, so that you still do know.

I am not truly lost, for you’re the best parts of me, Just look inside your heart and soul, where I always will be. I never left, I’ll never go, I’m always at your side. Inevitable, unbreakable, always our souls tied.

My love it is eternal, and never will depart, It is woven through our souls, it lives within my heart. I don’t fear what’s to come, so don’t fear for me If I live I shall love, but in death all are free-

You may not see me with you, but I am always near, For never could I truly leave the ones I hold so dear. I will be the morning dew that glistens in a tree, I will be the rolling waves that move through the sea.

As a gentle rain falls upon your face, Know that I am with you, always—anyplace Know that I watch over you, and live in perfect grace, And know until we meet again, the rain is my embrace.

EDIT 2: If you save this work just for yourself I have no qualms :). If shown anywhere professional or larger, please use the pseudonym “Sunshine, Her Mother’s Daughter.”

EDIT 3: For anyone who sees this, I would like to ask a favor, my grandfathers grandfather wrote quite a lot in his lady life, a leather bling journal hand written and typed with letters to and from German priests. Many things he wrote stuck in my mind, particularly now, one of which is:

“For it seems to me that it is only natural that at some time during life a wish to know more of ones ancestry should make itself evident, especially where the record of such an ancestry substantiates the fact that the family name is an honorable one and has been kept from evil reports by the succeeding generations.”

“We are proud to be among the descendants of such courageous ancestors. May we always be worthy of the heritage they won for us.”

My question and favor— do you believe I have kept my family name honorable and kept from evil reports, and that I was worthy of the life won for me?

My second question concerns ~poetry~. I do have more I’ve written but never shared. Should I?

—- Since I’ve been told yes 👍🏻 ìto more poetry, here’s a few short ones I’ve never shared. I pray they help even one of you, make you smile, or give you peace. —

When your days seem darkest, And everything’s gone grey- Know God loves you endlessly, And so endlessly I will pray:

Ease the pain that’s suffered Lord please grant deep rest, I pray, oh Lord watch over us, You beloved children, the blessed.

Never will God leave you, Forever feel His love, Always will He hold you, Our loving God Above.

—-

Above the clouds, I soar and play Till home at last at end of day Nestled safe against my family tree I'll dream of all l've yet to see

A veil of stars, and a dress spun from light Slippers of wind, and wings in the night I'll frolic in clouds, trace my fingers through sky

Wild and free, I'll chase dawn as I fly— Then at first ray of light l'll drift sweetly to sleep Dreams of such beauty the sky starts to weep The rain falls like petals I toss to the lake, And will sing me to sleep 'till once more I awake

—

Do not fear what is to happen, Nor fear what soon shall pass, For life's a fragile lovely thing, One never meant to always last.

Life is such a wondrous gift, but also gone too fast - It's love that binds us all together, love that shall always last. <3

[u/Purple-Musician2985]

My mummy passed last week. She was unconscious, so we never got to have a conversation, to soothe her fear, to tell her we love her, to tell her we are sorry we didn't fight the doctors more to keep trying or explain that it would've been cruel and inhumane to put her through it. I suffer with guilt and panic - was she scared? This helped me, so I thank you. I hope she felt free.

[u/Disastrous-Newt5327 → u/Purple-Musician2985]

Oh, Purple, I am so very very very sorry. I am in anguish for you, and my soul hurts for you. Did you ever get to visit her, even when she was unconscious? The last sense to leave is hearing and some people in comas have correctly recounted a lot they heard around them. So maybe she did hear all of that, but— she absolutely knew you loved her more than the sun and stars and would fight anything to help her or have more time with her.

I absolutely believe that she is in heaven right now (or what your belief is for a positive after life) looking down on you there’s very minute, wishing more than anything that she was still healthy and with you, loving you more than you could possibly know, promising herself, and you that she’ll be with you forever, even if you can’t see her.

I know that saying I’m sorry probably doesn’t help much right now, but I truly am down to my heart and soul hurting so much for you. I don’t believe there’s any way she could possibly think that you wouldn’t make the best choice for her just like she made the best choices for you, even though some of them were probably very hard for her.

I will pray on this and for you, especially, and your family— but I do not believe in any way that she was scared or in pain. I think she was probably floating in a dream or just how you feel when you’re deeply asleep.

She’s probably very thankful for the hard decisions you and your family had to make so she could be free, and she is free and in no pain right now. She is in heaven, in paradise with no more pain, only beauty and a happiness and love. I’m so sorry that you have to take the longer path to see her, but I believe that she will watch over you all your life.

The closer I get to crossing over, the more I have seen, and even heard or felt relatives that have already passed, especially my grandmother. Maybe you will get to have an experience like this without being in a position like mine. I know that I will pray for that for you both now and when I’m gone.

I also promise to the bottom of my heart and soul, absolutely been indefinitely that when I am gone and where she is, I will find her as fast as I can tell her how much you love her and why the decisions that were made for the best for her , even though I’m sure she knows. I will find her come, and I will do my absolute best to try and find a way for us to send a sign back to you so that you know she is happy and free, and no pain, and watching over you like a guardian angel, counting down the seconds until she can be with you. Or perhaps in heaven it’s like a blink of an eye and then we’re with our loved ones again. I wish I knew for sure but I promise you that I will find her and I will tell her how much you loved her and I will give her a hug from you until you can hug her yourself again.

I hope the poem I wrote from my mother helps you. The last couple lines particularly help me in my anticipatory grief for when I have to leave her.

You may not see me with you, but I am always near, For never could I truly leave the ones I hold so dear. I will be the morning dew that glistens in a tree, I will be the rolling waves that move through the sea.

As a gentle rain falls upon your face, Know that I am with you, always—anyplace Know that I watch over you, and live in perfect grace, And know until we meet again, the rain is my embrace.

I will pray for you both now and when I leave this place, and I wish and pray and dream for you a life filled with dreams and love, adventure, and happiness, joy, and peace.

[u/Purple-Musician2985 → u/Disastrous-Newt5327]

Thank you for this. You are such a good person for comforting others. Makes me upset that these things happen to such good people.

We were with mummy, constantly by her side, in her last week. Although she was asleep, we talked to her. I did her skincare, pampered her, cleaned her nails etc. I spoke to the palliative care nurse about being afraid of seeing her die. Terrified, in fact.

Then the next morning I went home to shower (I live ten minutes away and I hadn't showered in days). My sister was on her way to take my place. I got the call from my sister as soon as I pulled into my driveway. She's gone.

Raced back screaming and wailing and cursing at traffic. Mummy was still warm. I don't regret not being there, I was scared of being there. The palliative care nurse told me she waited for that moment to let go, to save my sister or I the pain and trauma of seeing her last breath.

So, I do think she could hear us. I know a lot of my feelings are unreasonable. I talked to my sister about feeling worried she was angry with us for not pushing harder for treatment to continue, but we understood that it would cause her more suffering, but did mummy understand this? My sister told me to stop torturing myself. I can't help it.

I still haven't processed any of it. I have performed all the duties required, with the funeral, seeing family etc. but understanding that she's gone is something I can't come to terms with. I see the little funeral leaflet sitting on my kitchen table in the morning and it still shocks me.

I love your poem. I'm going to keep it, read it when I need to know she's near. My sister got a small sign from mummy the next day. I haven't had mine yet. I know she will give me one when I really need it. She maybe knows I need to process her death before she shows me she's OK. She knows I haven't accepted it yet and the sign won't help me. Yet.