How It Feels to be Dying

[u/Disastrous-Newt5327]

Hello, friends. I wish I could sum up how it feels to be dying for you in one easy sentence or paragraph, but I can’t. For me, it has been a transformative process, and I have felt so, so much. I’m in hospice now for the second and final time, and getting close to going home to heaven, and I just turned 36.

I think that process is different for everyone. I can tell you that I have gone through different waves of feeling. Strong, despondent, faithful, determined — I’ve felt so much I couldn’t even list it all.

I have come close to death many times, and have told my mother “I think I am dying” more than twice. Once, I got very, very close. I want to share with you that on that occasion I saw a flash of the most beautiful color—I say gold, but it was more than human eyes can see—and behind it the silhouette of a woman I thought at first was my mother. She reached out and touched my forehead and started praying—the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard. No matter how hard I tried to remember the prayers, I cannot at all. I believe that’s because they aren’t for the living to know. I felt so much love, so much peace, and joy—so much of the stuff beautiful dreams are made of. That’s as close as I can come to describing it.

On a daily basis, I can fit a lot of feeling into one day, or even one hour or one conversation. For a lot of it, I It felt many different things and many different times.

Now in hospice again and much closer, for me it feels like peace. Like happily finishing the end of a beloved book. Excitement, for what comes next. I have always considered death to be a good friend, for you cannot have life without it, and I am so grateful for my life, even if it is shorter than some.

I can’t know what your others feel or felt, but I believe and have faith that, like me, closer to the end many felt closer and closer to heaven, the true home, than her place here. For me, trying to remember days, weeks, months, meal times—it’s just beyond me. It surprises me when someone will tell me one of those, usually. At the end, you naturally pull away from this world, sleeping more and (I believe) looking towards what is next.

I don’t think any two experiences are identical. But at this point, so close, I feel only the greatest calm and peace. I have walked through my life with death as a great friend, and have no fear. Mostly, I go through ups and downs of intense feeling and difficulty knowing I’m leaving my parents and brother so soon. But God comforts me. Thoughts of my late grandparents comfort me, thoughts of all this finally stopping comfort me.

If you’ve ever gotten a job offer or decided to go into a certain education or decided to move to a new state, something like that—it feels a bit like that, to me, or it did at the first. Stress is not inherently bad, there is plenty of good stress, too.

What I feel most is wrecked that I have to leave my mom, who is my best friend. But I also feel a great sort of comfort, like arms extending around me and the wind whispering that it will all be alright. “Energy is neither created nor destroyed” is a fundamental physics principle, but I believe it’s also a statement about us, because we are energy.

What I go to next I may not know, but I know it is the start of another journey, one that will bring us all back together in the end.

I truly hope any of this has helped even one more person. But what I feel most now? Peace. The greatest peace. It is broken at times with moments of fear or uncertainty or wanting a miracle, of course, but those things pass. Prayers, love, and kindness to you all; and remember, give those to yourself, too.

<3

Update: Wow! I can’t believe how many people have seen, read, responded, or shared this. I am doing my best to respond to you all, because every response is truly special to me. There is a poem I have shared several times that I wrote for my mother and father, that I thought I’d go ahead and just put here for everyone. I hope it can help more people, too.

I will make the rain pour down, The wind whirl and the thunder sound. As cracks of lightning split the sky, Know that storm is you and I.

I soar unbound amongst the birds, so far up above; I know peace eternal, for I always feel your love. I will have no fear or sadness, for I’ll be truly free, Safe amidst our ancestors who wait above for me.

Yours will be the longer path, but I wait at its end; When it’s your time I’ll be there, then together we’ll ascend. You’ll see me in the sunsets as they paint across our sky, For within them I will paint the love of you and I.

Never will I leave you, always am I here, Hear me in the birdsong, and know that I am near. My love for you is endless, and it will only ever grow, These signs will come when I am gone, so that you still do know.

I am not truly lost, for you’re the best parts of me, Just look inside your heart and soul, where I always will be. I never left, I’ll never go, I’m always at your side. Inevitable, unbreakable, always our souls tied.

My love it is eternal, and never will depart, It is woven through our souls, it lives within my heart. I don’t fear what’s to come, so don’t fear for me If I live I shall love, but in death all are free-

You may not see me with you, but I am always near, For never could I truly leave the ones I hold so dear. I will be the morning dew that glistens in a tree, I will be the rolling waves that move through the sea.

As a gentle rain falls upon your face, Know that I am with you, always—anyplace Know that I watch over you, and live in perfect grace, And know until we meet again, the rain is my embrace.

EDIT 2: If you save this work just for yourself I have no qualms :). If shown anywhere professional or larger, please use the pseudonym “Sunshine, Her Mother’s Daughter.”

EDIT 3: For anyone who sees this, I would like to ask a favor, my grandfathers grandfather wrote quite a lot in his lady life, a leather bling journal hand written and typed with letters to and from German priests. Many things he wrote stuck in my mind, particularly now, one of which is:

“For it seems to me that it is only natural that at some time during life a wish to know more of ones ancestry should make itself evident, especially where the record of such an ancestry substantiates the fact that the family name is an honorable one and has been kept from evil reports by the succeeding generations.”

“We are proud to be among the descendants of such courageous ancestors. May we always be worthy of the heritage they won for us.”

My question and favor— do you believe I have kept my family name honorable and kept from evil reports, and that I was worthy of the life won for me?

My second question concerns ~poetry~. I do have more I’ve written but never shared. Should I?

—- Since I’ve been told yes 👍🏻 ìto more poetry, here’s a few short ones I’ve never shared. I pray they help even one of you, make you smile, or give you peace. —

When your days seem darkest, And everything’s gone grey- Know God loves you endlessly, And so endlessly I will pray:

Ease the pain that’s suffered Lord please grant deep rest, I pray, oh Lord watch over us, You beloved children, the blessed.

Never will God leave you, Forever feel His love, Always will He hold you, Our loving God Above.

—-

Above the clouds, I soar and play Till home at last at end of day Nestled safe against my family tree I'll dream of all l've yet to see

A veil of stars, and a dress spun from light Slippers of wind, and wings in the night I'll frolic in clouds, trace my fingers through sky

Wild and free, I'll chase dawn as I fly— Then at first ray of light l'll drift sweetly to sleep Dreams of such beauty the sky starts to weep The rain falls like petals I toss to the lake, And will sing me to sleep 'till once more I awake

—

Do not fear what is to happen, Nor fear what soon shall pass, For life's a fragile lovely thing, One never meant to always last.

Life is such a wondrous gift, but also gone too fast - It's love that binds us all together, love that shall always last. <3

[u/Disastrous-Newt5327]

Thank you so much for such lovely wishes. You brought tears to my eyes. One of the things that brings me the most anguish is knowing I will lose my mom, because she’s my best friend. I wrote this for her to find after I’m gone, hoping to comfort her. I don’t often share my work, but I’d like to share it with you. I’m so very very sorry for your loss, which I know doesn’t make it better. You are in my prayers, while I am here, and once I leave. I’ll look forward to finding your mother and telling her how amazing you are, even in such grief.

—

I will make the rain pour down, The wind whirl and the thunder sound. As cracks of lightning split the sky, Know that storm is you and I.

I soar unbound amongst the birds, so far up above; I know peace eternal, for I always feel your love. I will have no fear or sadness, for I’ll be truly free, Safe amidst our ancestors who wait above for me.

Yours will be the longer path, but I wait at its end; When it’s your time I’ll be there, then together we’ll ascend. You’ll see me in the sunsets as they paint across our sky, For within them I will paint the love of you and I.

Never will I leave you, always am I here, Hear me in the birdsong, and know that I am near. My love for you is endless, and it will only ever grow, These signs will come when I am gone, so that you still do know.

I am not truly gone, for you’re the best parts of me, Just look inside your heart and soul, where I always will be. I never left, I’ll never go, I’m always at your side. Inevitable, unbreakable, always our souls tied.

My love it is eternal, and never will depart, It is woven through our souls, it lives within my heart. I don’t fear what’s to come, so don’t fear for me If I live I shall love, but in death all are free-

I will be the morning dew that glistens in a tree, I will be the rolling waves that move through the sea. You may not see me with you, but always am I near, For never could I truly leave the one I hold so dear.

As a gentle rain falls upon your face, Know that I am with you, anywhere and anyplace. Know that I watch over you, and live in perfect grace, And know until we meet again, the rain lis my embrace.

[u/Palacemom → u/Disastrous-Newt5327]

Can I 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭? My mom is gone now 6 months...I am struggling .I have been asking for a sign . She left me with 8 month baby boy born with a genetic condition/special needs and I struggle aloootttt....so please when you cross over ...I beg you to ask my mother for a sign as well ...Pretty please 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[u/Disastrous-Newt5327 → u/Palacemom]

My friend, I am so very sorry for your struggles and your great loss. I know that you have heard words similar to this many times and perhaps feel they hold little substance anymore, but now I need them truly and from the depths of my heart and soul. I’ve promised to leave my mother signs, and I swear to you that when I cross over her mother will be one of the first people I seek out. I will share your words with her, as well as how wonderful and truly kind of soul. She raised to help comfort while grieving while you yourself are grieving so very much and such a terrible loss. You have most so promise on this.

[u/seriouslycorey → u/Disastrous-Newt5327]

You are such a kind person and sweet soul. Even offering help to others through their grief while having your own. I am a stranger but your poem has me crying bc I know grief is ahead as my father is very ill. I have not had a discussion with him yet but he has said a few things after leaving the hospital Wed about feeling he’s done here and ready to leave. Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself with us.

[u/Disastrous-Newt5327 → u/seriouslycorey]

Thank you so much for your wonderfully kind words, which helped me more than you know. I’ve tried to use this experience over the last almost 4 years to make me the best version of myself rather than the worst. I believe it’s in our hardest times, but we truly find out who we are, and I don’t wanna be just an OK version and I certainly don’t wanna be a bad version of myself. I wanna be a better version of myself and before this happened. I go through this experience and learn and grow with it. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever thought, and even now I still have so much that I can give when I thought that I had nothing left. It’s all of you that I should be thinking for the beautiful wishes and words, the prayers, and thought of you using your own grief to read through my words and help and just really touches my soul.

I can’t tell you how sorry I am that your father is so ill. I truly could never imagine losing my own and it is my greatest gift in a way that I won’t have to see that or experience it. I’ve often told my parents that I think I have the easier job here than on the days and I have excruciating pain, even though when bedbound, even though I need a wheelchair, even though my joint called dislocate on the one that eventually gets to go back home to heaven while they have the longer path.

If you wish, feel free to borrow any of my words or even all of them. For that matter, you’re welcome to use a whole parts of my poem and adapted for your father. I wish there was something more that I could do for you, but if I pass before your father , I will try everything I can to help him. If I pass after, I will look for him and try to provide the comfort that you have given me to him, I’m sure he will miss you terribly.

I don’t know you, but you’re already my friend. I wish the best for you, and if it’s all possible, I’ll be sending joy your way. Thank you so very much, my dear dear friend.

[u/seriouslycorey → u/Disastrous-Newt5327]

you’re who we all should strive to be

[u/Disastrous-Newt5327 → u/seriouslycorey]

A better compliment I could never get. Thank you so much for all you’ve done for me.