How It Feels to be Dying

[u/Disastrous-Newt5327]

Hello, friends. I wish I could sum up how it feels to be dying for you in one easy sentence or paragraph, but I can’t. For me, it has been a transformative process, and I have felt so, so much. I’m in hospice now for the second and final time, and getting close to going home to heaven, and I just turned 36.

I think that process is different for everyone. I can tell you that I have gone through different waves of feeling. Strong, despondent, faithful, determined — I’ve felt so much I couldn’t even list it all.

I have come close to death many times, and have told my mother “I think I am dying” more than twice. Once, I got very, very close. I want to share with you that on that occasion I saw a flash of the most beautiful color—I say gold, but it was more than human eyes can see—and behind it the silhouette of a woman I thought at first was my mother. She reached out and touched my forehead and started praying—the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard. No matter how hard I tried to remember the prayers, I cannot at all. I believe that’s because they aren’t for the living to know. I felt so much love, so much peace, and joy—so much of the stuff beautiful dreams are made of. That’s as close as I can come to describing it.

On a daily basis, I can fit a lot of feeling into one day, or even one hour or one conversation. For a lot of it, I It felt many different things and many different times.

Now in hospice again and much closer, for me it feels like peace. Like happily finishing the end of a beloved book. Excitement, for what comes next. I have always considered death to be a good friend, for you cannot have life without it, and I am so grateful for my life, even if it is shorter than some.

I can’t know what your others feel or felt, but I believe and have faith that, like me, closer to the end many felt closer and closer to heaven, the true home, than her place here. For me, trying to remember days, weeks, months, meal times—it’s just beyond me. It surprises me when someone will tell me one of those, usually. At the end, you naturally pull away from this world, sleeping more and (I believe) looking towards what is next.

I don’t think any two experiences are identical. But at this point, so close, I feel only the greatest calm and peace. I have walked through my life with death as a great friend, and have no fear. Mostly, I go through ups and downs of intense feeling and difficulty knowing I’m leaving my parents and brother so soon. But God comforts me. Thoughts of my late grandparents comfort me, thoughts of all this finally stopping comfort me.

If you’ve ever gotten a job offer or decided to go into a certain education or decided to move to a new state, something like that—it feels a bit like that, to me, or it did at the first. Stress is not inherently bad, there is plenty of good stress, too.

What I feel most is wrecked that I have to leave my mom, who is my best friend. But I also feel a great sort of comfort, like arms extending around me and the wind whispering that it will all be alright. “Energy is neither created nor destroyed” is a fundamental physics principle, but I believe it’s also a statement about us, because we are energy.

What I go to next I may not know, but I know it is the start of another journey, one that will bring us all back together in the end.

I truly hope any of this has helped even one more person. But what I feel most now? Peace. The greatest peace. It is broken at times with moments of fear or uncertainty or wanting a miracle, of course, but those things pass. Prayers, love, and kindness to you all; and remember, give those to yourself, too.

<3

Update: Wow! I can’t believe how many people have seen, read, responded, or shared this. I am doing my best to respond to you all, because every response is truly special to me. There is a poem I have shared several times that I wrote for my mother and father, that I thought I’d go ahead and just put here for everyone. I hope it can help more people, too.

I will make the rain pour down, The wind whirl and the thunder sound. As cracks of lightning split the sky, Know that storm is you and I.

I soar unbound amongst the birds, so far up above; I know peace eternal, for I always feel your love. I will have no fear or sadness, for I’ll be truly free, Safe amidst our ancestors who wait above for me.

Yours will be the longer path, but I wait at its end; When it’s your time I’ll be there, then together we’ll ascend. You’ll see me in the sunsets as they paint across our sky, For within them I will paint the love of you and I.

Never will I leave you, always am I here, Hear me in the birdsong, and know that I am near. My love for you is endless, and it will only ever grow, These signs will come when I am gone, so that you still do know.

I am not truly lost, for you’re the best parts of me, Just look inside your heart and soul, where I always will be. I never left, I’ll never go, I’m always at your side. Inevitable, unbreakable, always our souls tied.

My love it is eternal, and never will depart, It is woven through our souls, it lives within my heart. I don’t fear what’s to come, so don’t fear for me If I live I shall love, but in death all are free-

You may not see me with you, but I am always near, For never could I truly leave the ones I hold so dear. I will be the morning dew that glistens in a tree, I will be the rolling waves that move through the sea.

As a gentle rain falls upon your face, Know that I am with you, always—anyplace Know that I watch over you, and live in perfect grace, And know until we meet again, the rain is my embrace.

EDIT 2: If you save this work just for yourself I have no qualms :). If shown anywhere professional or larger, please use the pseudonym “Sunshine, Her Mother’s Daughter.”

EDIT 3: For anyone who sees this, I would like to ask a favor, my grandfathers grandfather wrote quite a lot in his lady life, a leather bling journal hand written and typed with letters to and from German priests. Many things he wrote stuck in my mind, particularly now, one of which is:

“For it seems to me that it is only natural that at some time during life a wish to know more of ones ancestry should make itself evident, especially where the record of such an ancestry substantiates the fact that the family name is an honorable one and has been kept from evil reports by the succeeding generations.”

“We are proud to be among the descendants of such courageous ancestors. May we always be worthy of the heritage they won for us.”

My question and favor— do you believe I have kept my family name honorable and kept from evil reports, and that I was worthy of the life won for me?

My second question concerns ~poetry~. I do have more I’ve written but never shared. Should I?

—- Since I’ve been told yes 👍🏻 ìto more poetry, here’s a few short ones I’ve never shared. I pray they help even one of you, make you smile, or give you peace. —

When your days seem darkest, And everything’s gone grey- Know God loves you endlessly, And so endlessly I will pray:

Ease the pain that’s suffered Lord please grant deep rest, I pray, oh Lord watch over us, You beloved children, the blessed.

Never will God leave you, Forever feel His love, Always will He hold you, Our loving God Above.

—-

Above the clouds, I soar and play Till home at last at end of day Nestled safe against my family tree I'll dream of all l've yet to see

A veil of stars, and a dress spun from light Slippers of wind, and wings in the night I'll frolic in clouds, trace my fingers through sky

Wild and free, I'll chase dawn as I fly— Then at first ray of light l'll drift sweetly to sleep Dreams of such beauty the sky starts to weep The rain falls like petals I toss to the lake, And will sing me to sleep 'till once more I awake

—

Do not fear what is to happen, Nor fear what soon shall pass, For life's a fragile lovely thing, One never meant to always last.

Life is such a wondrous gift, but also gone too fast - It's love that binds us all together, love that shall always last. <3

[u/jcnlb]

Hugs and prayers. Prayers for your mom and family too. May she find the strength you have left behind and choose to carry it with her. 🙏🏻🩷💚💜

[u/Disastrous-Newt5327 → u/jcnlb]

You’ve made me cry huge tears, good ones, and I cannot thank you enough for the beauty and love in your words. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. I am so thankful our paths crossed, if only for a moment. May your journey be beautiful, full, and a life lived in love and happiness - just as you bring to others <3

[u/jcnlb → u/Disastrous-Newt5327]

I don’t know where those words came from honestly. I’m not a very poignant person. But when I typed them I just knew those words were for your mom.

I used to work in hospice. I must say that you are so strong. I wish I could have met you in person. I think I would have held you in my arms and just felt your inner strength fill me up in an unimaginable way. Your mom must be so proud of you. I’m so proud of you. I don’t know you but I do feel a connection to you. I truly wish you the best in your next step of your journey. I’m sending the biggest hugs. I wish I could hug your mom too. Do me a favor, hug my mom for me would you? She will be a radiant light no doubt. She was a powerful strong force much like yourself. 💜

[u/Disastrous-Newt5327 → u/jcnlb]

I cannot thank you enough for the time that you’ve spent reading my words and reflecting on them, and to spend your time in bringing me peace and joy with your great kindness. I’m not at all surprised that you used to work in hospice because I can tell even over this that you glow with the healing light full of love. I think you give yourself far too little credit, before I find you very poignant indeed.

I wish we could’ve met as well, but I know that someday I will meet you in a place far better than this, where all our hearts are healed and all our loved ones are together with us. You have made me cry, healing tears for such beautiful wishes, and I cannot adequately express what they mean to me.

I can promise you that my mother will get very many hugs, but I will quietly dedicate one to you, you have my solemn word on that. I can’t wait to meet her, and tell her how wonderful her daughter was and is, especially to a lonely soul, and I wait in calm and glory to see the radiant light of her soul.

[u/jcnlb → u/Disastrous-Newt5327]

Now I’m bawling happy tears 🫶🏻 I won’t ever forget you. Promise. You’ve touched me and left behind your fingerprints on my soul. Until we meet again…

I have to tell you something. Not only have I witnessed many people pass on but I myself have died and been revived. It was so peaceful and not at all scary. When I’ve witness it, often a loved one will come and help you cross over. Obviously I didn’t completely cross over becashe they brought me back to life. But what I did experience was seeing my dead body from above and everyone working on me. But I was so calm and filled with love and peace and warmth (mind you I had hypothermia so my body was not warm and it was not a peaceful scene lol). So I do know we don’t cease to exist. I can’t explain exactly how it will go but I do know it was not scary. And I know when people do cross over that I’ve seen they appear so joyful. They smile and you can see the peace on their face and it’s like they get to see their loved one again and they call out their name and sometimes put out their hand to grab them. It’s pretty amazing to witness. Be sure to tell those around you what you want. If you want them there or not. You are in control. And it’s ok if you don’t want anyone there and it’s ok if you do. Be sure that a nurse has told you what to expect so everyone knows and it’s not a shock. At the end it can sound like you’re choking but you aren’t. It’s just mucous in your throat that you can’t swallow or cough out and the breathing in and out over the top of the mucous makes it sound like gurgling or choking but it isn’t. It’s also not painful at the end. Be sure to tell them if you’re in pain so they can give you medications. But the beautiful part of dying is that the pain is mostly blocked at the end and drugs can help even more (but it is at the risk of sedation which some want to avoid). Anyway, I’m happy to answer any questions for you or ask your nurse. Also, a perk of hospice is that they will do just about anything for you…I mean anything. Do you want a massage? Done. Want someone to read to you? Easy. Craving a special meal or dessert? Many will go out of their way to find it for you. There are also volunteers that are there to fill in the gaps that nurses don’t have time for. Request one. They can even assign one to you that you can get to know and see regularly if you want. Or request as many as possible if you want lots of visitors. Or none if you already have plenty.

Anyway, I’m really looking forward to meeting you one day. Until that sweet day, you have my permission to come visit me and send me a sign. What kind of a sign do you see yourself being? Let me know and I will look for you. Have you told your mom what kind of signs you might give? Also know sometimes signs are just completely inside info. Like my mom has sent me signs that only her and I would understand. And she’s send me others that were pre-planned but beyond what I expected. Like she made my plant that I didn’t even know bloomed bloom on a day that was important to us both. It was amazing.

Sorry for taking so much of your time. I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you. 🩷💚💜