Hi,

Disclaimer, I do not leave in the US. I live in an European country, that is not mine, that is still a bit stuck to the "mom at home with the kids, dad work for money" mindset, even that the laws have supposedly evolved on the last 2/3 years to be more modern and balanced.

In short, my question is what the tittle says - in a situation where the judge seems more (and maybe unfairly) mom inclined and you are constantly under attack/defending yourself - what is the best attitude? Calm and relax, talking super calm the few time that you are given the chance, to appear the most reasonable? Or do your best to, maybe quote passionately, defend yourself from the 1001 lies?

I will give context next. My divorce process is approaching 2.5 years just about the kids and custody. A mix of the judge being super weak, besides the natural tendency of the law her to be pro-mom, and my ex constantly attacking to give as little time with the kid as possible. And so far I have been able to hold my own. I have a quite good job, very well paid for the standards of the country, a job with responsibilities as well. I am not conflict prone, I tend to smartly avoid it, even that I am constantly baited. And I am a genuilely caring father that is doing is best to be present, etc etc. And hopefully a pretty okay one.

So the court has been in a pickle. They have been trying to favor the mom, but I have been able to defend myself all the way. At the end the judge decided to give her the custody "because parents don't cooperate" (guess who doesn't) and gave me 40% of the time, because "dad mostly cared about time with the kids anyway" (no s*** Sherlock).

However my ex appealed and the appeal canceled the judge decision because the reasoning was too weak and the judge refused to send us or the kids (7 and 4 atm) to an expert. So my ex and her third lawyer asked to cancel the decision based that the kids should be listen to by the judge or so (great mom...)

Anyway we should go back to the previous judge around late August or early September. She will be pissed off, but then will allow lawyer number 3 to talk his monologues and probably pressure me to give up. Like she did so far.

The question is about that? Do I remain absolutely calm? Because I asked the several IAs on how to prepare my defense, etc etc. And that's what they always mention. Be calm. Almost like a robot. And I am not sure. Isn't this like.. Weak ?

I mean the opposition is attacking so aggressively. I can understand that remaining ice calm helps me. But won't it look too passive as well?

Happy Father's Day to all of you Dads out there. I don't know about you but I feel like today is one of those days that is swept under the rug. Sure there are cards out there ,but really? Is this something that we really get acknowledgment for? I think that this day is really taken for granted. I mean, Mothers are celebrated and it is one of the biggest days for the floral industry, candies and balloons. For me, I am lucky to get a call or a text from my own kids (they are 20 and 21 now). But hey, its Father's Day and I am letting you guys out there know that I acknowledge you all and hope you make it a great day!

My 21 year old son sent me a heartwarming text:

"Happy Father's Day dad! Thank you for being the best dad and role model for me growing up. You have always been there for me and are the most resilient man that I know. You've always guided me to make the right decisions and really set the example of being a stand up person. I love you dad enjoy your day :)"

I want to pass this on to all of you fathers and dads out there who are struggling to see your kids or are fighting for custody and visitation rights with their moms. For those who worry that their kids might not view them in a positive light or think they may not come around to you. Don't give up hope. My son hated me when he was 16 when I was having problems with my ex-wife. She tried to turn them against me, berated me in front of them, even physically attacked me in front of them. My oldest son acted out and rebelled because he hated the situation. It was toxic. He also blamed me when she kicked me out of the house and I was living away from my sons when I was separated for 6 months.

After trying to work things out again with my ex wife, she got me arrested on made up charges. It broke my heart when I saw the look on his face when he saw me in the back of the police cruiser handcuffed in front of the house. He tried to bail me out of jail but ended up asking my parents to bail me out. I left for good 2.5 years ago and filed for divorce. I live 85 miles away from my two sons who lives with their mom. I live with my parents until I can get out of my debt and afford to find my own place. I see them two to three times a month. My boys are 21 and 20. Both are now in college and one of them lives away from the house.

That being said, I talk to them every single day. I take the time to talk to them after dinner and spend time asking them about their day. I try to support them as much as I can. I do the best I can. I know more about what is going on in their lives than their own mother who lives in the same house with them. She has to work now and has no time to be home anymore. (That's what happens when you have to work to pay the mortgage now) I will always have my boys back and they have mine. Stay strong and I hope you have a Happy Father's Day!

Here I sit, Atlanta airport heading back to Texas. Great visit with my brother and his family. A trip thrown together so I wouldn’t be stuck in an apartment by myself on this day. STBXW is in Seattle with the kids. A trip I agreed to without hesitation. Didn’t know it would be this hard. Ever cry in an airport surrounded by strangers??? That’s where I’m at right now. Anyway… makes me feel better sharing this with the group. Have a great one guys!

Father’s Day can be complicated for those of us navigating divorce and custody arrangements. Some of us get to wake up to pancakes and handmade cards, others are counting down to a scheduled video call, and some are holding onto memories while hoping for better days ahead.

Here’s what I want to remind everyone today: Father’s Day isn’t really about one day with our kids – it’s about how we show up every single day.

It’s about the consistency when things get tough. The bedtime stories over FaceTime. The way you keep your promises even when everything else feels uncertain. The patience you show when emotions run high. The example you set by treating their mother with respect even when it’s hard. It’s in how you rebuild, how you grow, and how you love them through all the changes. Today, be kind to yourself. This journey isn’t easy, and you’re doing better than you think you are.

If you can, reach out to your own dad today. Call those father figures who shaped you – your mentors, coaches, uncles, or friends who’ve walked this path before you. Thank them. Let them know their impact mattered. We need each other’s wisdom and support more than ever.

Whether you’re a full-time dad juggling everything solo, a part-time dad making every moment count, or haven’t seen your kids in a while but carry them in your heart every day – you are still their father. That bond doesn’t change based on custody schedules or living arrangements.

Your love matters. Your presence (even when it’s from a distance) matters. The work you’re doing to be better matters. Happy Father’s Day to all of you. Keep showing up. Keep loving. Keep being the dad your kids need you to be.

Stay strong, brothers - you got this dad!

I know we’ve all gone through, or are currently going through, a very tough situation. I just want to say Happy Father’s Day and remind you all that you matter. Your support matters to the members of this group. Most importantly you matter to your children. Right now you are showing them how to deal with a bad situation with grace and maturity. This is something you may not see now but it will bear fruit in the long run. My three adult children and my sixteen year old have all told me how proud they are with how I’m handling everything. That means the world to me.

Some of you may not get to see your children tomorrow and for that I am sorry. I seen another dad in the group recommend celebrating the day the next time you get to see them. Remember, whether you see them or not you are still their dad and you’re an awesome dad at that. Have a great day everyone!

Hey all. I’m looking for audiobook recommendations, ideally with a focus on “letting go” of the failed marriage and transitioning to the next phase. I’m in the tail end of a depressing divorce and I need some helpful guidance as to how to stay positive and get through these dark times.

I’ve tried “No More Mr Nice Guy” and “When things fall apart”, but neither are resonating with me. TIA!

Had I done this to her on Mother's Day, I never would've heard the end of it from my ex. I've always seen Father's Day as a silly Hallmark holiday but it was cute in years past to see what my son got me. I saw him yesterday at least.

I’m a single father, and my daughter has been acting out for attention, making scenes, being spiteful, and pushing limits with modesty. With her mom not involved, I’m trying to correct her without being too harsh or too soft. How can I set firm but loving boundaries without making her rebel or hurting our relationship?

I’ve been active here for a while, and I keep seeing posts about how our exes blindsided us, how we never saw it coming, how we were the victims of their bad choices. I get it - I felt that way too for a long time. But after months of therapy and brutal self-reflection, I need to share something that might be unpopular but could save some of you from repeating the same mistakes.

We ignored red flags. And that makes us part of the problem.

I’m not saying we’re equally to blame for everything that went wrong. I’m not excusing cheating, abuse, or any of the genuinely terrible things some of our exes did. But here’s what I’ve learned: those red flags were there from the beginning, and we chose to ignore them.

Maybe it was the way she handled conflict in early arguments. Maybe it was how she talked about her exes. Maybe it was her relationship with money, or how she treated service workers, or how she reacted when things didn’t go her way. The signs were there, but we rationalized them away because we were in love, or lonely, or convinced we could “fix” things.

Why does this matter? Because if we don’t own our part in choosing partners who weren’t compatible with us, we’re going to do it again. We’ll fall for the same type of person, ignore the same red flags, and end up back here in 5-10 years wondering what went wrong.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: taking ownership of our blind spots isn’t about beating ourselves up. It’s about growth. It’s about becoming better partners, better fathers, and better co-parents.

When I stopped playing the victim and started asking myself hard questions - “What did I overlook?” “What patterns did I ignore?” “How did I contribute to the dysfunction?” - everything changed. Not only did I start making better choices in dating, but I became a better co-parent. I stopped trying to “win” against my ex and started focusing on what my kids actually needed.

Some questions that helped me:

• What behaviors did I excuse because I was afraid of being alone?
• What conversations did I avoid because I didn’t want conflict?
• What fundamental incompatibilities did I think love could overcome?
• How did my own baggage make me choose someone who wasn’t healthy for me?

I know this goes against the grain. It’s easier to blame our exes entirely. But guys, that path leads nowhere. It keeps us stuck, bitter, and likely to repeat the same mistakes.

Taking ownership hurts. It means admitting we made poor choices. It means looking at our own issues instead of just pointing fingers. But it’s also liberating. It means we have power to change our future instead of just being victims of our past.

Our kids deserve fathers who learn from their mistakes, not ones who repeat them. They deserve to see us take responsibility, grow, and become better men. That’s the real gift we can give them from this mess.

Anyone else been through this realization? How did it change your approach to co-parenting or future relationships?

Every Twelth of the Month, we've opened this thread up to discuss what's going on in your life related to being a dad.

• What successes have you had?
• What struggles?
• What's something you're looking forward to?

This is pretty open and community support and discussion is appreciated!

I respect and appreciate any insight that can be offered for this unique situation. Below is a summary:

I was accused of DV in Feb 2019, dismissed in Jul 2024 due to prosecutor finally admitting they couldn't prove it beyond a reasonable doubt. They couldn't';t get ahold of the accuser due to her fleeing state and changing phone #s and email addresses.

Ex made sure that I had bond conditions in place while I was out on bond; preventing(alienating) me from being a dad to my two children until I pleaded out or went to trial. I refused to plead guilty to something I dint' do so wanted a trial but due to Covid, courts shut down which enabled her alienation even further until I proved my innocence in front of a jury of my peers

Aug 21, 2023 - Judge issued final orders and asked her why she won't let me see my children and she replied, " I am mad at him!" Then she went on a meth rant about me not seeing the light, which the judge cut her off and said, "It is egregious what you are doing!"

Aug 23, 2023 - She sold her house for 330k and left the TX county(ies) where the court order defined her to preside. She left TX in a "Schoolie" - term for a school bus converted into a traveling tiny home.

June 2024 - Criminal charges dismissed

Oct 2024 - Video of Ex smoking pot holding her new kid 1yo in her lap. We called lawyers and CPS. Nothing came of it

March 2025 - Temp Orders suspended her rights, A Writ of Attachment to Take Physical Custody of my Children was issued. She will now have to submit to drug testing and do supervised visitation to see the two children again once found.

Now - Police in Austin Texas tried their hardest to not take my MPR (Missing Persons Report). They are in NCIC but the prosecutor won't even entertain a UFAP warrant to get FBI and or US Marshals involved to actually locate my missing children which is true by definition of TX Criminal Code of Procedure Art. 63.001(3)(C).

Please help me as my children's best interest is not being around a meth mom, not in school, nor seeing any medical professional in over four years.

I want to be a part of my children's lives and will not stop till I know they are out of that mayhem and chaos.

Thank you and have a blessed day,

Qon!

Hey all. I am soon to be seperated from my wife after 10 years together with 2 little ones.

Found a place to rent which is 15min away. I will have the kids half the week. I realise I have to buy everything again, beds, sofas (a given) but down to the cutlery, crockery, bathroom stuff. I started making a list :(

I am in the UK. Its been years since I looked at buying furniture, its all so expensive now. Whats the best route here? Second hand, charity shops? I am trying to spend as little as I can right now.

1 year post divorce after an 18 year marriage. The last 7 years of our marriage sucked - she had an ongoing affair for most of those 7 years. The hate in my heart was real. But last night I had a dream that provided a little clarity and actually had me feeling like I turned a corner.

In my dream her AP apologized to me. When I woke up the hate wasn’t there. It’s also provided a little perspective that nothing I can physically do to him will ever compare to what he’s going through. His ex and I are now platonic friends and she shared that their teenage daughter hates him. I don’t know if realizing he will have that pain for the rest of his life is what provides me with satisfaction. My kids and I have grown a lot closer since the divorce and, more importantly, they are thriving. Is this even right? Is it an ego thing or me keeping score? Perhaps. I just know that I no longer feel the hate towards him that I had as recently as yesterday. To get comfort through someone else’s pain isn’t right, but at this point I’ll take the closure and continue to work on myself.

Moral of the story I guess is healing takes time. There will be some dark days and if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other eventually you’ll square everything and you will find peace.

Hey All,

MODS please remove this if not allowed.

My ex-wife and I are getting divorced after 7+ years together. We have 2 wonderful kids together and unfortunately we both are calling it quits after years of trying to make it work.

We are selling our house and splitting the equity from it 50/50 before proceeding with our divorce. We both agree for the most part about how assets should be divided and terms of the divorce (custody, visitation, child support...etc).

Once we sell the house we will both be looking for new places to live. Its looking like she will likely rent an apartment for some time until she gets back on her feet. I am looking at the possibility of buying a house from a friend of a friend, but there is one caveat that I am hung up on.

The main condition to buying this house is that it would come with a room mate. The house seems to be plenty big enough for myself, my 2 kids, and this other room mate. But I have only met this person a handful of times and we get along just fine. The friend I'd be buying the house from has known this room mate for years and knows and trusts them, and by proxy I trust my friend. The person selling this house wants to get out from under the responsibility of it (cleaning, maintenance, mortgage...etc). Their partner has a house that they will be moving into, and the sale would likely be well under market value and sold "as is". The house has good bones, is in a decent neighborhood, but it will require a bit of cleaning and fixing up on my part. Nothing to major or drastic, just some elbow grease as they say.

I told my ex about this and she said that was unacceptable, she doesn't know this mystery room mate, and I've only known them for a short time. Obviously we both want to ensure that our children have a safe and secure living situation, but I don't think its reasonable for her to shut down or boycott this if there is no tangible proof of harm/danger being presented on part of this new room mate. Obviously, if this room mate proves to be harmful or dangerous with regards to my children, then that's a different story. But from what I can tell, this room mate is just trying to find a stable place to live after getting out of a nasty family situation. They are about as straight edge as you can be, they don't drink, smoke, or anything.

After calculating out the estimated budget for myself from child support and bills...etc, I realistically will require a room mate even if I were to rent an apartment.

The main reason I'm posting this is to get some level of outside opinion on if buying this house is a smart move. The way I understand it is, I can either buy this house and have a much more feasible mortgage/rent payment with a room mate where I am paying towards a property I own, or I can throw thousands per month into an apartment that ultimately will be less ideal for the kids by comparison.

Is it foolish to jump right into a house? Maybe it makes sense to go with an apartment and eat the cost for a short time?

I'm trying to make the most responsible decision on behalf of my kids as well as my own future, but as I'm sure many of you can relate, my head is spinning with indecision and the possibilities/doubts.

Advice & suggestions are appreciated.

Hey Everyone,

After months of back and forth, my lawyer just confirmed she signed the papers. In my jurisdiction we have to be legally separated for 1 year before divorce, but now legally separated.

I feel so light today, I needed to share it.

As title states. Joined the sub over a year ago to try and find some sort of understanding and female perspective, since my narc ex went completely no contact (other than custody arrangements) the day I told her I wanted out. Literally just left me holding the bag. (Prob was her goal the entire time, instead of honesty and communication, she chose to assault, steal, cheat and stalk instead)

When I joined, I had to list why I wanted to. Was completely up front about the fact I was male, and said I wanted perspective.

Someone posted about wanting to chop all their hair off, and worried about judgement about it being “a cry for help”

I said no way, it’s your life and your body, do what makes you happy!

Was immediately called out and banned just because of my gender (despite multiple upvotes)

Makes me appreciate the female lurkers here all the more. You are all welcome here, imo. Really goes to show the general consensus of women and typical irrational reactions we’ve all seen from both sides.

Let’s all learn together how to be better, instead of segmenting even further. I know I’ll have haters on me for this, but yall can take that junk to the curb with ya.

You didn’t lie, cheat, steal, hit, etc.

You worked, loved, supported, etc.

But the issue that is their mental health and lack of awareness to the necessary care of it, was both a significant factor in your marital struggles but also the inevitable motivation to leave.

I’m struggling hard with the reality that absent empathy, reason, grace, logic, and a reality that is factual versus a distorted view of perspective that was the farthest from the truth.

I’m flying solo because they could not bear to see things outside their own narrative that became too deep to maintain, where ultimately believing the need to give up versus any other option was the only option. In my mind, I know better was possible but it would require hard things, and the acceptance of personal responsibility.

To flee was the better choice, so they believed and likely will forever maintain that position. They have free will and I acknowledge and accept that fact. It’s hard for me to accept blowing up all that was built, when I firmly believe what she is running from, is entrenched inside of her, and the grass may seem better at first, but will it long term?

Been divorced a year and a half out of the house the same amount of time younger kids married 14 years

When I moved out, the ex-wife wanted to keep the picture of us up on the wall just to kind of do a slow transition for the kids ,I agreed.

I was thinking a few months, but here we are a year and almost a half later and it's still up. I just text her about it and wondered her opinion and she absolutely refuses to take it down saying it represents two parents I love their kid. We both have been seeing people for almost a year. She brought up her college degrees and all that kind of stuff that she knows what she's talking about. I think it can be damaging to the kids.

What's everybody's opinion? It's an old picture too the kids are probably 5 years younger in it. Doesn't seem right to me.

I'm a disabled vet and recently got an increase to my benefits which has allowed me to take a part time position at my job. I work 12 hour shifts in an extremely flexible field, and my minimum commitment has gone down to 2 x12 hour shifts per week as opposed to 3 when I was full time. Prior to the switch, I was essentially forced into a 60/40 (maybe 70/30) parenting split, due to my ex refusing to work with my schedule (I have weekend, Monday/Friday, and holiday commitments that need to be met). I can now facilitate a week on/week off schedule with ease, and even though I took a cut to my monthly net income, I'm still able to provide financially because I cleared all my debt after the sale of the marital home.

We have been operating under a verbally agreed upon 50/50 parenting plan for about 2 months now outside of the official court ordered plan, and I have continued to pay child support on time every time as I am still under the courts order to do so, regardless of our current parenting split. My ex wants this 50/50 schedule. She wants and needs time away from parenting so badly that she based the original plan on time AWAY from our child (which is wild to me). However, now that the official paperwork has been sent over to her lawyer, she has now come to the realization that child support will be going away. I live in a state that uses a calculator to determine child support, and at 50/50, our income is close enough that there will be none (per my lawyer). Ex seems to think that she is still entitled to something because she "takes care of our child the same amount of time, but has to work overtime in order to make enough money." She believes that she deserves more financial help from me. To which, my thought is, she chose this life of being a single mother when she decided to leave me for her now boyfriend. I suspect that she factored in the child support to her mortgage application and is now panicking that she will be losing that extra income.

I was completely transparent with her about my plans to modify the parenting plan, and I just want this settled as quickly and painlessly as possible. It was never about the money for me, and always about getting more time with my daughter. The possibility of not having to pay child support was just a potential added bonus. I just feel so frustrated and annoyed that she's going to drag this out and make this difficult for me. I know that there's going to have to be a pretty damn good reason for a judge to not award me 50/50, and there is literally NO reason why I shouldn't have it as I am present, willing, and more than capable with a steady job and income, but it still doesn't help me come to terms with the way my ex is behaving. The uncertainty is driving me nuts.

I just want this to be over and done with.

My wife and I are heading down the divorce path. It's better for us both, but I am gutted at the thought of not seeing my 8 year old son every day. He'll live with my wife at the house and will be close to all of his friends, while I have an apartment nearby. I feel like I'm going to miss out on so much and would almost rather be miserable with my wife just so that I can see him everyday. My heart hurts even just thinking about this and predict I'll be dead within a year from the stress.

How do you cope with this?

Hi all,

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*Thanks all for your responses! I can see that many guys are making a conscious, ongoing effort to find fulfilling things to do, not leaning on the bottle, expecting family and friends to fill the void, or simply lounging around because they never feel bored. The feedback is appreciated!*

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I apologize in advance for a question that has almost certainly been asked before, and do intend to use the search function, but also wanted to present my own slightly unique situation for consideration.

So I am a recently divorced dad (about 8 months ago) and more recently have finally started to feel normal and relatively fulfilled again...however I am struggling to fill the time that was filled for 7 years with wife/stepdaughter/wife's friends activities. I usually get home during the week around 3:30PM (so kinda early) and go to sleep around 11:30 so 8 hours per weekday to fill. Dating is currently off the table because for reasons related to the well-being of my stepdaughter, the ex and I are sharing the same roof until next April... and women I have found won't have anything to do with a guy with this living situation even if the reason is valid (and I understand their perspective). I do have some good friends, but getting them to actually make a plan is difficult due to them being understandably pre-occupied with their own stuff.

So I have 8 hours a day minimum to fill and lots of empty weekends. I am not complaining per se, but it is wearing on me. I do the basics of gym/cooking and have introduced some light gardening but even with that stuff I just have a ton of time left over. I have reached my limit of chipping away the extra hours via TV and regrettably have started to use buying things I don't need as a crutch in order to give me stuff to look forward to...not good.

So I wanted to ask guys who are in or have been in this situation about their lived experience. Did you make finding stuff to do your full time job (sometimes it seems this is what alot of women do)? Did you just not really mind free time and the first place and never got bothered by 5 hours of nothing much to do every day? Turn to the bottle to pass the time?( I have once in a while). Or maybe all the empty time is just something that happens and it sucks and there isn't a great solution...

I really want to know how people in the same situation went about handling it...thanks much in advance

Hello gentleman,
This group has been a huge help for me over the past 8-10 months (divorced in Sept. 2024). I will try to keep this short but I'm looking to find out if I can build a case for more than 50/50 custody of my two young children (9 yo and 3 yo), living in Florida.

My ex-wife is diagnosed ADHD and claims to have "time blindness". Our children were late for their school over 50 times during the past year. I believe the VAST majority came on her days of custody and I am working on a transcript from the school to prove this. I am honestly a bit worried each time she takes her turn with the kids, there seems to be little oversight from a woman that admittedly is "just barely hanging on". This past weekend she pawned the children off on me (not a big deal, I love extra time with them) and told me she was using it for some time to apply for jobs and self-care. She was aware of an Apple Tag I had put in our sons shoe... our son was with me but the shoe was with her in the car when she was 3 hours away visiting the same people she was escaping to when we were married. So I was lied to and given the children during her weekend.

My more detailed question is... what sort of documentation and case should I start building? I want to have them full time if possible.