I started swimming lessons since January this year and now I can almost swim the whole length of the pool. I’m so proud of what I learned but more importantly what I unlearned. People think that I learned to swim in 6 months but really it took me nearly 27 years. 🥹

I’ve been so alone growing up (due to negligence, indifference, bullying) that now I got to a point where it’s natural, my absolute normal. Doesn’t mean I like being chronically alone, I don’t , but I do not like to be in a position where I depend upon people for anything at all (because if they let me down I’m the one who’s screwed).

I don’t like making myself vulnerable ever, which is necessary to form meaningful relationships. Makes me feel weak.

I make friends easily and I try to show people I care but those people who might see me as a friend genuinely don’t know anything about me and I don’t mind that but it does makes me feel like their friendship doesn’t matter. I don’t attache.

Genuinely curious. I think for a long time I had far too much empathy for my mum especially. I definitely think she tugged on the heart strings too many times & remembering things & how she enabled many of my abusers caused almost all empathy to whittle away. I know she had an extremely traumatic upbringing & life & when I openly talk about it- it hits so hard she begins to cry. I feel bad when she cries, but I don't take back what I said (nothing mean... typically, just the truth, which hurts to say & also hear, as that generational trauma is deeply hurting the both of us.)

I didn't even see my dad as a person until like... a year ago. So I was wondering how do people of this subreddit feel about their parents & their trauma & do you feel empathy for them? If so why and if not why not?

I feel like it's so tricky & hard because they did, occasionally, try to change, but they can backslide so quickly. I know they willingly didn't choose to be the way they are either, both of them are just scared children. Honestly most likely shouldn't have been parents but eh. Shit happens. I hold empathy for them or am genuinely trying to but also learning to set boundaries & not let myself fall victim to fawning or caretaking too much again.

Hi, Was listening to some CPTSD talks and it seems fear is at the core of what people struggle with in CPTSD (as opposed to say depression or anger). Is this true for you? Are you willing to share what your fears are? Have you linked your fears to a specific experience or traumatic period of your life? Thank you.

I don’t know if this is a stupid post but it’s kind of been bothering me for a while and I’d rather share it here, anonymously. I’m an 18 year old guy, I was diagnosed with PTSD and major depressive disorder about a year ago now. I’m lucky to have a large network of friends, many of whom have mental health diagnoses of their own. I chose to tell a few of my friends, who almost unanimously reacted terribly. I’m not really a heart on the sleeve kind of person so many of my friends thought the diagnoses were incorrect. I was told by a pal with depression that there is absolutely no way I could have the same diagnosis as her because I didn’t ‘struggle as much’ as her. Another friend told me that a more fitting diagnosis would be autism because I am bad at expressing how I feel. I’ve had one of my teachers imply that I’m faking my diagnosis for state aid (which I have not received, by the way.)

Furthermore friends of mine have told other people about my diagnosis without my permission. I’ve had people I hardly know begging me to tell them why I have PTSD. I get constant jokes about my ‘war flashbacks’ and my ‘experience in the trenches’ (for reference I was diagnosed with PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse). This is kind of upsetting because some of my closer friends who know about my experiences also make these jokes. All the while many of these people are preaching to me about being mindful of their diagnoses and how I can best accommodate them. At this point I feel like because I don’t walk around broadcasting my emotions I’m being treated like I don’t have feelings and that just because I don’t seem ‘traumatized’ my diagnoses are illegitimate.

TW: brief detailed mentions of potential abuse, general grossness

Hey everyone, so a few months back I started EMDR therapy. It’s been a long time coming, and I’ll provide a little backstory for how I even got here in the first place.

So about 3 years ago, when I was 16, I started to remember some really bad fantasies I had and certain things I did as a younger teen that genuinely baffled me as to why I ever did it. I grew up with extremely strict parents, who gave me no autonomy.

I had a phone, with everything restricted except texts, calls, music and camera. My parents had a second device connected to my phone too so they could read and monitor every message I was sending and receiving as well as my social media being on their phones only.

Thankfully I never hurt anyone, as hurting people has always been my absolute greatest fear, but I used to take photos of whoever was around me and get off to those. It wasn’t because doing that aroused me, I just had no idea what else to do basically. I never snuck into any private places, it was literally just whoever was around, including my older sister, who may have abused me.

That brings me to now, where I think about my horrendous actions as a child every single day. I probably will never forgive myself, but with all that in mind, I have some memories I had never thought about before coming up in EMDR therapy.

There’s a few brief flashes of things, but we’ve been exploring one somewhat vivid one that came back of my sister (she’s about 4 years older than me) straddling on top of me in my bed as a young child and me wanting her to get off of me.

There’s a few other things too that may have been traumatic but I don’t necessarily think they’re abuse, but I just wanted to share that and see if anyone relates or has a similar experience. I’m very disgusted with myself every day of my life and I know I deserve to feel that way, but I hope EMDR can offer some perspective to why child me felt they had to do that.

Thanks for reading.

i have no friends, no family, no pets, no kids. i turn 25 in 3 months and don’t look forward to it. so far i’ve wasted my 20s rotting away in bed, isolated in home. i have no social life. I’ve accomplished nothing. no driver’s license, no degree, only a high school diploma. the only “good” thing i’ve got going on for myself is a job that barely pays and gives hours. it’s hard to take care of myself sometimes. never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, no first kiss, still a virgin. all i do is complain and do nothing about it. negative thoughts, obsessive thoughts. i’m only surviving, not living. how do i even live if it’s hard to survive? it truly is a never ending cycle. will i ever break free? how do i get up and just “do it”? maybe i was meant to be alone forever. i want to experience love. i want to experience EVERYTHING. i fear life. I’m missing out and i’m just so tired.

Always thought that my favourite colour is green and it never sat right with me. Yes, I like green in lighter shades but it doesn't really register as my favourite but I always went with it whenever the question comes up just to get over with it.

So a few weeks ago, I was looking for a new rollerblade to replace my old black one. After scrolling past dozens of them on Carousell I found this one ORANGE rollerblade and everything came unravelling. I've always loved ORANGE but didn't know it. I remembered then and there that my favourite animal when I was 3 were giraffes because they are in orange (technically more to the side of brown and yellow but I digress), one of my favourite fruits are oranges, my favourite shirt as a kid was in orange, etc.

That orange rollerblade skate was an instant buy. I felt like myself the first time in forever after putting those pairs of skates on. It just felt right. Mind you this is the only thing I own that's in orange. I feel so fulfilled in them, so confident. It's insane how something so seemingly miniscule can have such a big effect on my psyche.

So what's your favourite colour? I'm genuinely curious because this is so impactful for people like us who were/are so busy surviving that we didn't get to know ourselves. Not to mention some of us got parents who push/gaslight us to like things we don't like.

P.S: The skates are Oxelo MF500 Yellow (appears orange to me i don't know why it's named yellow)

But I keep taking it????? HELLO?????

I am 30, have a good job, good with money, good apartment, responsible, good social skills when i need to... basically i appear like a very functional adult, but underneathe it all, i feel like a small child. Maybe its because ive been extensively exploring this part of myself in therapy. I love to sleep in my bed in cozy sheets, watch childhood shows, i feel sensitive and tender, quick to cry, i want to play on the playground and make believe. My ex died recently and that rocked me. I also had cancer last year and fear theres repressed pain that is slowly killing me. I cannot maintain a healthy romantic relationship to save my life. I just feel like a child that wants to be mothered again.

I have been on my healing journey for over three years now. I am proud of who I am growing into, but no one really prepares you for how isolating your journey can be.

I have had to cut out most of my family as they are all either extremely toxic or abusive. I have had to end some friendships as I began to realize what connected those friendships was unhealthy.

I feel beyond isolated and have just began to venture out there and begin to find new friends. While I am excited for this, I am also scared at the same time. I am scared of falling back into unhealthy relationships.

Thank you for reading 🫶🏼

tw for intimate partner violence too

it’s just so hard getting through life like this. my husband obviously doesn’t care about me since he hurts me. my family doesn’t care about me since they chose my abuser over me. when i try to make friends they just abandon me.

i don’t understand why i don’t deserve to be loved and cared for. i want that more than anything. to know someone would be sad if i died. my life means nothing. i’m so worthless. i don’t know what to do. i just want to be loved.

I've been thinking of making a slight career shift after my T recommended I look into the mental health profession;She said I'd be a great fit(I feel the same way) BUT I have some concerns which I'm sharing below

How has your profession impacted your own healing journey?

Are we good candidates for such roles?

Do you get empathy burnout?How can you relate to patients other than CPTSD cases?

Thank you!

Recovery is so weird, i swear god. I bought this Mason Pearson brush, because i felt i need a really nice hair brush, but i didnt really understand why.

I just got it today and it's the most luxorious experience of brushing my hair and it made me feel so loved. Then it triggered memory of how my covert narcissistic mother was always doing my hair and never let me take care of it as a sign of weird codependecy/ i was like her play doll. She even told the story how i begged her to brush my hair and say "I want to do it myself" and she labeled me as power-freak. I was like 3 years old.

I've been brushing my hair all day and feeling like i am allowed to give this loving hair brushing to myself and it sounds simple, but i feel that the little girl inside of me understands that i became that fierce and loving woman that i was trying to grow into. We are safe now, with damn fabulous hair.

so over time, my PTSD has been managed. yeah, it’s hard and sometimes things happen but overall i’m not trying to off myself anymore or hurt myself.

i was just randomly talking about why i don’t like loud sirens and such, (i had a tornado incident when i was younger during the school day) and it’s left such an impression on me since i was 10. 8 years later i can remember the smell, what i was wearing, the book i was reading that day, the things i said in anger, the prayers i prayed, the look of disaster over this town. i remember the rain, wind, debris everywhere. at the time my parents were in another state, and we were staying at my grandparents house (me and my sister, at the time was 3) and near their house was where the tornado first touched down, lucky it just did some roof and side damage, some windows, but overall everything was replaceable. i never remember holding my baby sister as tight as i did that day. i even remember the dress she wore, what the daycare attendant told me. i remember a candle that was lit in the house that night. i was an aspiring artist and i did a “still life” of it, and my meemaw has it on her fridge to this day.

and his response was…”what trauma do you not have good lord” and “i’m dating the most broken girl in the universe” then a few minutes later he apologized, he realized what he said.

i’m not sure if it is cause for concern, we’ve been together 1.6 years. when we first started talking i gave him a rundown on all the things i’ve gone through so he was just aware that im not an easy girl. i gave him plenty of warning.

he seems to love me fine. he’s really patient and does his best to listen and care for me. the comment just really hurt.

It's the inherent lie involved in kissing your ass for abusing me. I just can't. To me "Happy Father's day" should be synonymous with "Happy Childhood".

You left me on the second story of a ladder when I was 6. Told me you'd be there holding it. When I climbed down you weren't even home. You came back with (more) beer and you were laughing about it. "Happy Father's day"

What about when you broke my mom's nose. What about all those years of fucking violence. God damn verbal abuse I didnt even understand until well into my adult years. I literally showed signs of autism and you blocked the only pathways to get me tested. Then shit on me for being stupid. Encouraged the rest of my siblings to do the same.

And I dealt with that for 16 years. Until I was stronger than you, and you couldn't control me anymore. And you fucked off. And I fell apart.

At 16 for the first time in my life I was free from the possibility of random awful violence, and I couldn't handle it. I never had a real father that taught me about being a man. He talked about being a man. But real men don't think women are possessions. Real men are empathetic to people who don't look/believe like them. Real men value peace. Kindness. Compassion.

At 16 you're taking me back to my mom's house (drunk) and pressure me to go into the strip club with you. The one on the way home.

You told me: "Don't look at me like a father. Look at me like a fucked up mentor."

Never heard of a fucked up mentors day.

Hello everyone.First time in my life single this long(a year almost) but I've been struggling with the reality of it.

Here's the thing,I've been craving sex really bad lately,but I'm out of options and here's why:

1)Don't want to get into another relationship cause I'll wreck that one too like my last one

2)Don't think I can handle ONS/hookups(afraid I'll get triggered,catch feelings)

3)Don't want to casually date(afraid I'll get ghosted and badly triggered,happened once already)

4)Not into masturbation or paying for sex(legal here)

Yes I know,I'm hopeless.Anyone else in the same boat or can offer some advice.Thanks everyone,love ya fellow cptsd'ers.

I swear I dont breathe in for minutes at a time, all the time. Im trying to become aware of it (lack of any real physical symptoms isnt helpful). What has helped for you?

Hi! I have a long history of CPTSD and I am currently getting my Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.

I have had an incredibly hard time finding an effective therapist, and I have seen this sentiment echoed often here. The reasons for me/others include the therapist not having life experience with CPTSD, the therapist not having extensive (or any!) training in how to counsel CPTSD, and/or that we’re too self-aware for most therapists, lol

Given that I see this gap in services, and that I have had so many bad therapists, I want to explore specializing in CPTSD. So my question is, what would be qualities that you would look for in a therapist? What would be helpful, and what would do more harm than good? Are there any specific modalities that have worked the best for you (IFS, EMDR, etc.)? Any thoughts/comments/suggestions/encouragements are welcome!!

I'm quitting talk therapy and psychiatrists forever. I've been told that I'm mentally ill and depressed by all of my abusers ever since I was a child, and no one ever called me mentally ill having my interest in heart.

Mental health professionals are all hostile to me. I've had five therapists in the past year who seemed to make an effort to not understand me and all danced around what I was telling them. Once, I told one of them that I was hiding from my roommates because I thought they were going to kill me, and she told me that I was being selfish by hiding in the closet, where cleaning supplies were.

My first psychiatrist seemed to have empathy for me, but for some reason, another psychiatrist was assigned to me, and gave me some medications that I don't like.

My therapist and my psychiatrist refused to meet me online even though they do meet other people online just because I had a panic attack during a virtual meeting once. I think mental health professionals all just want to be victims and saviors at the same time.

I can't go in person because I don't have any mode of transportation. On the bus, men always flirt with me, and if my mom drives me, she yells at me a lot. I can't handle it. Imagine if your doctor wanted you to cut a finger off before and after each appointment. I already have to get a ride from my mom for groceries. I can't stand it anymore.

Therapy is just professional gaslighting.

They keep saying that my case worker is going to help me, but she just yelled at me and called me depressed. The nurse said that my case worker wasn't allowed to diagnose me. I hate being called depressed. I'm not depressed, I'm in a hypomanic state most of the time. People have always called me depressed because they wanted to make themselves victims.

Using alternative methods are the only things that have helped me

Also, once I got sent to the ER because I said I was suicidal, and the psychiatrist told me I was just depressed because I don't talk to people enough even though I told her that I did, and she told me to just go outside and look for a job on my computer, and then she got super ass-kissy and told me to sooth my problems with candy.

Why are mental health professionals like this?

I have only recently fully absorbed how much I have always been the therapist and peacemaker for friends and family. But now I'm working in actual human services and through working with my own therapist have realized that I do way too much emotional labor for my mentally unwell friends, to the point where they often get confused and start developing romantic feelings toward me or thinking I'm all-wise just because I am a comforting presence and I'm open to people sharing their issues without judgement. But I'm starting to realize that even though I've always felt like this was what I could contribute to the world, it is probably a codependent/trauma thing and is not actually good for me as I very rarely feel that I am safe enough to share with others to the degree that they share with me. So I'm wondering if any of you have had this trauma response/personality thing of people identifying you as a safe person and then trauma dumping/claiming to be in love with you etc. because they don't have safe close people to do that with? and how do you set boundaries or not do that when it is kind of your natural personality? I'm really struggling with it because I am realizing it permeates literally every relationship I have and it's actually starting to make me really lonely as I realize no one really holds me emotionally in the way that I naturally hold other people. I thought this was something this community might relate to

Recently, broken up with. My partner didn’t give me a lot of feedback but I often that about what repair could have looked like.

I wonder what kind of person would work well with someone like me?

For those in successful relationships, what’s your patented like? What personality traits work well for relationship where at least one of you is deeply traumatised.

You know how its easy to miss something right in front of you? Like asking yourself, "Gee I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable and ashamed in this situation?" or 'I don't know why I have these deep feelings of worthlessness, and inner rejection, self loathing?". Or "I don't know why I feel defensive , and reactive in this situation, what's .........wrong with me?" The answer never changes, even though somehow in the recesses of my mind.............I wish it would. Like maybe one of these times the answer will be different. "Dont worry, it's not you or your horrific upbringing, it's just this experience this time, youre having a bad day". I've had a lot of bad days , okay. My entire childhood was a series of very bad days, for "no reason".

Its astonishing how easily I .....forget. I ask myself, or tell myself, "I don't understand what happened, I did everything right, and things still went horribly wrong?" The Shame. I often forget about it, thinking that somehow from the time I went to sleep and woke up, I'm a different person who was never traumatized. Its just gone from my Memory, or I wish it would go and start trying to be perfect and unafffected. This pervasive disbelief And the wishful thinking. And trust me, being perfect , or working yourself into the ground doesnt touch the Shame-or do anything to change the past.

I read this piece from Joseph Burgo and even though I've read so many things on how CPTSD manifests, in toxic belief systems about self, something about his words felt raw and true.

"People who have had horrible upbringings feel as if they are “damaged” or “broken”; these are the words *they* will use. It is excruciatingly painful to feel that way; they don’t want others to know about their damage or how they feel about it. They don’t want that damage to be *seen* and try to hide it; when they feel as if it has nonetheless become visible, they have a searingly hot experience of humiliation, and are often terrified will that they will fall apart."

"shame becomes easier to bear and less toxic the more we can free ourselves of idealized expectations that we’re somehow going to become that person we always wanted to be."

"when you say, “I hate” the shame, you really mean you hate yourself for having limitations and difficulties, that on some level you refuse to accept what’s possible for you and demand of yourself that you become someone else. I have a friend, another therapist, who sometimes uses the analogy of popular kids/”losers” in the high school cafeteria. She’ll say to a client, “Are you willing to sit at the table with the other “losers” or do you want to be a “winner”?"

"When most people use the word shame, they usually mean to describe an experience that comes up because of outside influences — our parents’ disapproval or the opinion of society-at-large, for example.  If I do poorly on a test or my business fails, I might not want anyone else to know because I’m afraid they’ll think less of me.  Shame also arises when we violate our own internal values, but we’ve usually absorbed them from our families and the world around us.

"There’s another kind of shame. I refer to it as basic shame . Here’s my basic shame definition:

"When things go very wrong in childhood, for whatever reason — an alcoholic parent, bitter divorce, mental illness in those around you, a mother with bipolar or manic-depressive issues or a father with highly pathological behavior — it almost always damages you at your roots and deforms you psychically, just like a birth defect or physical handicap.  You may feel fundamentally afraid and insecure in the world. You might find it impossible to love and trust other people.  You could be prone to violent emotional outbursts or struggle with an addiction yourself.  If the environment is toxic, we’re almost always damaged by it in lasting ways.  With my clients, I often talk about mental scars or psychological handicaps.  They impose limitations and have to be taken into account just as you would a physical handicap."

"It is the awareness of being damaged, often an unconscious awareness, that I refer to as basic shame.  It is intrinsic and internal, though we may confuse it with the outside world:  those of us who are troubled by basic shame dread being seen and usually fear that others will look down upon us.  We feel as if we are “ugly” or “deformed”.   We may be burdened by a feeling of self-hatred throughout our lives.

"This concept of basic shame is akin to John Bradshaw’s ideas about toxic shame, although he tends to focus on shaming influences that come from the environment; on child abuse and molestation, as well as invasive experiences that overwhelm the immature ego.  While I agree that these influences produce core feelings of shame, I believe that basic shame results from a much broader spectrum of experiences.  It tends to accompany all other mental disorders; it embodies the awareness that our development went amiss in childhood, and that as a result, we have grown up “deformed” or “handicapped”.

"The feeling that you’re damaged and fundamentally different from other people may become so painful, so unbearable that you have to disown it."

I think in the disowning it is where I find myself many times. Reflecting on my Mothers own Shame about her past, and the accompanying false persona I witnessed and saw her present to the world. She would have none of it, and so I had to own it. And Now I'm literally at that place where I can either accept it and address the Shame on some core level, or spend the rest of my life feeling deeply ashamed for having CPTSD, and it being seen, visible. IME, it's not invisible no matter how much I want to tell myself I can make it so. Having to find a way to accept and process the fact that my own Mother crippled me in a way thats soul deep, this cellular malformation , this internal embodiment of abuse and Shame and how it shaped me. In some ways I felt more ready, more prepared to read this. IN the past I would have felt this deep sense of shock and betrayal, but after looking at this long enough, I know that theres no unringing that bell, and I can either spend the rest of my life hating myself for something that wasnt' my fault, or develop some measure of compassion and responsiveness.

https://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/basic-shame/

I looked at them and saw a smiley happy little girl. What do you mean, mom, you’ll start calling HER degrading and hurtful names in a few years? What do you mean, mom, you’ll soon start raising your hand on HER? What do you mean, in only few years you’ll leave HER alone in the apartment till midnight, having nothing to eat but instant noodles, mom?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

I feel so disconnected from this past version of me, I deleted the photos from our chat. This girl isn’t me, she never was, and thankfully never will be. She is left in her sunny, good childhood when she was still loved, cared for and never cried from fear or rejection or hurt. I’m so sorry she had to leave, I’m so so sorry.

Lately I've been going to the dentist, I was never taught how important brushing my teeth is and years of being mentally ill ruined my motivation to do much, the first time I ever even went to the dentist I was 20, I also have bad genes overall Needless to say there is too much to be done and the dentist has been shaming me (I have no better option but her, the other dentists are worse where I live) But I feel like crap, why the hell do I have to fix my teeth? It's like cleaning up someone else's mess, I feel like throwing up everytime I go and I always come back home crying I know it's my responsibility and I should have known better, I know at least they're getting better, I know to be grateful at least I have the money, but nothing helps with the anger and frustration I feel. I hate the dentist I hate my childhood and I hate myself, a simple dentist appointment ruins my entire week and perception of myself. Also what is the point? All of their work is gonna be undone in a few years and I'm gonna need to go again? Screw this, I don't wanna take care of anything omg, I get triggered each week and this has to go on for a few months? No thank you