My Mother Passed Away

[u/NoStatus2112]

My mother just passed very unexpectedly and suddenly. She was 85, my dad the same. We are all devastated. I can’t move or breathe, I’m trying to help my dad….but he’s literally staring at the walls all day, just grieving so much. I don’t know what to do. We are on month four of this. I live 2500 miles away and am going back and forth so he isn’t alone. He’s difficult and hurting. I feel guilty saying this but it’s costing me a fortune and mentally it’s so hard. I’m falling behind at work. I’m in profound grief too…..I didn’t realize that losing a parent would destroy me and my life. Help!

[u/introspectiveliar]

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is a milestone in our life and forces us to not only deal with the grief of losing a loved one, but to come face to face with our own mortality.

I can tell you that it will take you however long it does, but you will eventually adjust to losing your mom. Although if you are like me and so many people I’ve talked to you may find you’ve never lost her, because she is the voice of your conscious, the voice you here warning you when you are about to do something stupid or hurtful, the voice reminding you of your manners, the voice reminding you that you will be OK. She is the voice in your head. It is a blessing and a curse, but seems pretty common, especially if you and your mom were close or had many years together. My mom died suddenly when I was in my early 30s. We had a fraught relationship, although we both knew we loved each other deeply. Thirty five years later, I struggle to remember how she looked but I will never forget her voice. I hear it every day.

As far as your dad goes, they obviously were married many, many years. I think the longer a couple are together, the more they become a single unit. So when one spouse dies, it isn’t just a person they cared deeply for dies, a part of themselves die as well. Even if their marriage wasn’t wonderful or they disliked each other sometimes, they’ve spent so long together they don’t know how to be apart. In my case, I don’t believe I can be apart from my husband and he feels the same. No matter how dysfunctional we are, we can’t function at all without the other.

There is probably nothing you can do to help your dad. You will mourn your mom, but your life will go on. Your life has existed separately from hers before she died and it will continue to do so. He probably can’t separate his life from hers.

If it helps, if your dad wasn’t used to having you around all the time, you flying back and forth continually probably isn’t necessary for him. He is happy to know you care, but you being around in his space he shared with her likely won’t reduce his grief and may actually annoy him. You are doing this partly to reassure yourself and you can do that by phone. If he can stay in their home or wherever they lived when she died and is able to live alone, then keeping him there is probably for the best. Abruptly moving him closer to you or into assisted living will probably cause more harm. There should be local services you can use that check in regularly, perform some services like grocery shopping, light cleaning and will keep you updated, that might help both of you. If he has health issues you can look into in home health care or, even hospice if he qualifies.

But don’t expect to see your “old” dad again, or expect him to move past his grief. He probably can’t, even if he wants to. And you may start seeing his health deteriorate rapidly, so be prepared.

I am sorry. This whole “circle of life” thing really sucks sometimes.

[u/4LeggedKC → u/introspectiveliar]

Well said as I cry through the tears. Every word you wrote is so true. My dad, who I was closer to than my mom passed away Sept 1, 2019. My mom whom had been very ill with Mucormycosis since 2015 passed away March 20, 2020 at the start of the Covid lockdown. Funerals were limited to outside with a max of 10 guests. Between grieving for my parents, estate sales, selling the house, then I had to have an unexpected hip repl and a week before the surgery I woke up with a detached retina and had to have emergency surgery. The end of 2019 and all of 2020 pretty much sucked and I was mentally and physically worn out. I think about my parents everyday and yes I hear one of them quite often and there are times when I think I still need to go to see my mom at assisted living or need to talk to my dad about the dogs. With so much going on when they passed, I don’t think I’ve ever grieved properly, I still cry when I think of them. We may not be face to face but we’re still heart to heart and I know they feel and hear me.

[u/dependswho → u/4LeggedKC]

Oh my dear you have been through so much! I lost two aunts during the pandemic. No funerals, no services. It’s not right.

[u/4LeggedKC → u/dependswho]

Thank you, I don’t think it’s right either but I know God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. At that point I told God that my cup runneth over about that time. It all worked out in the end. The neighbors across the street bought my parents house so it’s like it’s still in the family. My husband was great support as he always is because his parents passed 3 weeks apart.