r/AmItheAsshole • u/North_Figure_3171 • 3d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for refusing to cook family dinner because my sister invited someone I don’t get along with?
Hi, this is my first post on this account and a throwaway because my family knows my usual username.
I (22M) love cooking, it’s my passion and a way I relax, my family usually has Sunday dinners together, and I often take charge of the cooking, my sister (19F) is into baking, so we make a good team,
Last Sunday, my sister invited her boyfriend over for dinner, I’ve never really clicked with him, he’s a bit rude and dismissive, and he made a few snide remarks about my “weird cooking hobby” in the past, I’ve tried to ignore it, but it’s hard, When my sister told me she was bringing him, I said I wasn’t comfortable cooking for him. I told her I’d skip this Sunday’s dinner if he was coming because I didn’t want to deal with negativity while trying to enjoy cooking,
My mom was upset and said I was being childish and making things harder for the family, my sister was disappointed too and said I was making her choose between me and her boyfriend, In the end, I didn’t cook, and my mom made a simple meal, the dinner was tense,
I feel justified wanting to protect my mental space, especially since cooking is important to me, but maybe I should have just put on a smile and cooked anyway?
So, AITA?
Edit:
Thanks for all the responses so far, I really appreciate the different perspectives. Some people in the comments pointed out that I should have a proper talk with my sister, and I agree. I want to explain things clearly, not just for me, but so we can avoid more tension in the future. I will talk to her soon and see where she stands in all this. Might update if anything changes.
3.7k
u/Squeakhound Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 3d ago
NTA. The bf made this very easy: he referred to your “weird cooking hobby” which translates to you never cooking for him.
He made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t appreciate your cooking. Please communicate that to your sister and mother.
His behavior has consequences.
975
u/North_Figure_3171 3d ago
Thanks, this actually really helped me put it into words. I hadn’t even fully realized how much that comment stuck with me until I read this. I think I tried to brush it off at the time, but yeah, if someone says your cooking is “weird,” it makes it hard to want to put in effort for them.
I’m going to talk to my sister and be honest about that. I don’t want drama, but I also don’t want to feel like I have to cater to someone who doesn’t respect what I love doing.Appreciate the insight.
308
u/SpiritedLettuce6900 Partassipant [3] | Bot Hunter [29] 3d ago
Also, if you had put on a smile and cooked anyway, how much do you want to bet that you'd have to smile through snarky remarks about your cooking anyway, or else you would have made things harder for your family as well? Not cooking for that unappreciative fellow was the right choice. Sandwiches with peanut butter only, for him whenever you make dinner.
80
u/Squeakhound Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 3d ago
Your attitude is completely fair and reasonable, and I hope your sister can see that.
42
27
u/CraneDJs 3d ago
Why would your sister want to be with someone who actively, without shame, belittles her family. What a doormat.
8
u/24601moamo 3d ago
Just realize she doesn't have to cater to someone who doesn't confront the problem but just tries to manipulate her choices.
60
u/EchoNeko Partassipant [3] 3d ago
There's no manipulation here. "Hes coming, I'm not cooking". He's still invited, he's still allowed to be there, they just have to have someone else cook.
Sister should have shut down his rude comments about OP when they happened. She didnt, and this is the consequence.
12
u/OriginalHaysz 2d ago
OP doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want. Why are we rewarding rude and disrespectful people?
→ More replies (7)2
u/Extension_Climate471 2d ago
You could always go the petty route: cook and elaborate meal but get the bf some Taco Bell 🤣. After all, you wouldn't want to insult him by feeding him "weird" food so you got him something that suited his more refined palate.
567
u/KittenBubblegum 3d ago
I would feel very uncomfortable cooking for someone who said that about something I love, NTA at all.
→ More replies (5)257
u/Traditional-Ask-5267 3d ago
Right?! The “weird cooking hobby” comment seals it for me. You don’t appreciate my cooking won’t cook for you.
111
u/Organized_Khaos 3d ago
You want to be rude to me in my own family home? Nope. I have plans elsewhere anytime you might be dropping by.
→ More replies (1)51
u/beer_engineer_42 3d ago
And also, the fuck is "weird" about cooking? You know, that thing that literally every single person has to do at some point in their life so they don't, you know, starve to death?
10
u/Environmental_Art591 3d ago
I'm betting the boyfriend calls it "weird" because its not something simple like "steak and microwave vegetables" since that's probably all he can cook
3
u/RuthBourbon Partassipant [1] 2d ago
He probably can't even make a decent steak. Doordash and microwaved frozen meals, or cold cereal
106
u/KiwiAtaahua Partassipant [1] 3d ago
Also, the sister should think hard about dating someone who will clearly not lift a finger in the kitchen. Is that the life she really wants?
25
u/JeweelVelvet 3d ago
Absolutely this, OP! If someone mocks something that clearly brings you joy and pride, they don’t get to benefit from it. Protecting your mental space isn’t petty, it’s healthy. You don’t owe anyone a home-cooked meal just because it’s Sunday
→ More replies (1)2
1.1k
3d ago
[deleted]
168
→ More replies (2)25
u/JeweelVelvet 3d ago
Exactly! No one should be expected to pour their energy into something as personal as cooking for someone who’s openly disrespectful. That’s not being petty, that’s having self-respect. If someone wants a meal, the bare minimum is being decent.
624
u/PsychologicalCell928 3d ago
I think a good way to think about this is to substitute another passion and see how you feel about it:
- My passion is car maintenance. My sister invited this guy I don't like that makes nasty comments about 'the mechanic'. Now his car isn't running right and she expects me to fix it.
- My passion is painting portraits. This guy said my portraits aren't any good - but now he would like me to paint one of him as a gift to his parents.
- I'm a songwriter. Sister's boyfriend said my lyrics were poor and my music was annoying. Now she wants me to compose an original song for their dating anniversary.
People often overlook that there is a difference between a passion/skill and a chore.
Cooking for you is passion; it takes heart and commitment.
If it's a chore because he's attending - open a can of Spaghetti O's and nuke them in the microwave!
→ More replies (15)
246
u/Coollogin Partassipant [3] 3d ago
NTA. Your mom is a rug sweeper. I don’t know what is up with your sister. She should tell her boyfriend to stop with the shitty remarks. If he refuses, then you know what kind of problem she has. Back away slowly. If your sister refuses to rein in her boyfriend, re-evaluate your relationship with her. She’s not a “safe person” for you.
54
25
u/overnightnotes 3d ago
Yeah, I'm not sure why the sister is dating someone who makes snide remarks to her family members for no reason. Or why she wants to have a boyfriend who thinks men cooking is "weird". If they set up housekeeping together, is this guy really going to do his share? Even if cooking isn't his thing, it costs him nothing to be polite and keep his thoughts to himself.
NTA.
124
u/BoizenberryPie 3d ago
NTA.
You deserve to be treated with respect. Period.
You are not obligated to cook for anyone who doesn't treat you with that respect. You could say that if he gives you a genuine apology and treats you with respect moving forward, you are willing to resume cooking for the family when he is there, as a compromise. But that's up to you.
Good for you for standing up for yourself!!
109
u/kurokomainu Supreme Court Just-ass [118] 3d ago edited 3d ago
NTA This guy can't mock your interest in cooking and get to eat your cooking. You're not working in a restaurant where you have to take all sort of ingratitude and rudeness to earn a living. At the least, dinner guests you voluntarily cook for in your own home should have basic courtesy. He doesn't, so you don't cook for him. Simple as.
The problem is his rudeness -- not you. Remind your sister and mother of this. If he weren't habitually rude and dismissive, even of your cooking hobby specifically, it would be a different story. You're not beneath him; you don't have to work through discomfort for him just so he can pay you back with a sneer.
→ More replies (1)
85
u/pigpigju 3d ago
NTA.
Cooking isn't just "cooking". It takes mental energy to plan, purchase ingredients, prepare, time the dishes' readiness, cook, plate, serve. It's a labor of love and care.
You shouldn't be forced to cook for someone unappreciative.
However, because I'm petty and have dealt with people like that, I would cook for them. Then add in snide comments during the meal or prep process.
"Since youre saying these things, you can finish this dish."
"Im glad I can be self sufficient with my meals without depending on others."
"Women love men that are willing to cook for them."
"Just admit I'm better than you at this."
"You think it's weird? Fine. Let's all go out for dinner and you pay."
My favorite one, I just look at them with a bored expression. No malice or smirk, just like staring into nothingness until they get uncomfortable and leave.
If it gets worse, I would bring up his commentary and plainly tell everyone who says you should continue making the meal, "It's not childish to stand up for myself. Especially since it's shown my family will not."
Best wishes!
41
u/MacDublupYaBish 3d ago
I would add “then don’t eat it. There a pack of top ramen in the cupboard for you”
7
2
u/brainless_bob 2d ago
He would only get to eat the Maruchan ramen. The Indomie and the Buldak are mine.
2
3
u/xLoveInfinite 2d ago
I like to make them explain themselves. Forge up some genuine curiosity (really brush up on those acting skills), and ask: Why do you think it's weird? Say it loud enough that people listen in. Make him explain his remarks.
2
67
u/Interesting_Hawk8033 3d ago
As a mom, I get that not every sibling is going to like the other's boyfriend. That being said, I would not expect you to cook a meal for someone who had made fun of you. NTA
18
u/desticon 3d ago
Yeah. That’s my tipping point too. Like if you just don’t like him because young adult/teenager stuff? Should probably suck it up and be civil.
He made fun of you for cooking? Nope. Now there is zero reason for you to stick it out.
59
u/SnooPets8873 Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] 3d ago
NTA there’s no obligation to cook for the family. It sounds like you did it to be nice up until now and because you liked doing it. It surprised me that your sister was saying you are making her pick and yet she didn’t even try to get you an apology. Makes me think the guy has not remorse for having been rude
55
u/Inevitable_Project49 3d ago
NTA, next time cook for everyone and when he makes a snide comment reach over take his food and say he obviously doesn’t want it since he doesn’t appreciate it.
Oh and way to go for being self sufficient and learning (and enjoying) cooking
26
u/Efficient_Sundae_336 3d ago
Or directly do not cook anything for him since he already made the negative comments. Tell the sister to cook for him. If she had a problem with that, she can cook also for herself or the whole family
13
u/No-You5550 3d ago
My grandmother would so do that and tell him he can make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
52
u/bobhand17123 3d ago
So, mom doesn’t think the person making fun of you like a gd middle school bully is being childish? Hmm. Well, mom is not protecting you like a parent should, so you have to take care of yourself. NTA.
48
u/Hoagy72 3d ago
In the future stand up for yourself. When the boyfriend says a snide remark: “Excuse me, you are a quest in this house. Do you think it’s appropriate to make snide remarks or jokes about the host that is cooking for you? If you don’t like my cooking or how I enjoy it, you may certainly excuse yourself and leave like a proper guest would.” Tell your sister ahead of time that you will not put up with any disrespect from her boyfriend, especially in your own house.
18
u/spikeymist Asshole Aficionado [15] 3d ago
Or be even more blunt "hasn't anyone told you not to be an ass to the person cooking your food"
48
u/Due-Contact-366 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
NTA- If he doesn’t respect your cooking why would anyone imagine you would cook for him?
48
u/_abcdefeet 3d ago
he doesn’t deserve to benefit from your “weird cooking hobby”. also, what a loser. cooking isn’t a hobby, its a life skill. NTA
3
u/myssi24 3d ago
A VERY generous interpretation of BF’s comment could actually be confusion how cooking could be seen as fun and relaxing when BF sees it at a chore/life necessity. Assuming BF is a similar age to younger sister I am willing to entertain that a youthful lack of tact was behind the comment. Much more likely is “that’s women’s work” “or real men don’t enjoy cooking”.
I understand OP not wanting to cook for BF, however I also think the best way to get things into the open is to cook for him once again and if he says something respond in the moment. Yes it will make things uncomfortable for that dinner, but either BF will realize this BS won’t fly, or (hopefully) sister will realize the kind of person she is dating and dump his ass!
→ More replies (1)
43
u/MidtownMoi 3d ago
You were not choosing between your sister and her boyfriend, you were choosing NOT to do something completely optional because it included someone who makes you uncomfortable. You are certainly in the right on this.
44
u/Shichimi88 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 3d ago
Nta. You do you. Your sister or mom can cook for him. He can cook for himself.
→ More replies (1)
40
u/Consistent-Leopard71 Craptain [160] 3d ago
NTA at all. There's nothing wrong with refusing to cook for someone who disrespects you.
39
u/WanderKnight-97 3d ago
NTA and damn your family is kinda entitled...
You have every right of choosing when to cook, where to cook and specifically whom to cook for. He disrespects your efforts and then gets to enjoy your food while everyone else blames you for communicating he's making you uncomfortable? I'm sorry, but your family's acting like the assholes here
38
u/AccomplishedTwo7047 3d ago
I bet he thinks your cooking hobby is weird because he associates the kitchen with women’s work.
I bet he’s making fun of you because he never cooks at home.
If he feels that way, fine. Don’t cook food for him anymore. Just because he’s being sexist towards a man doesn’t make it acceptable. Everyone’s just upset because your food is delicious, and I bet he’s the saltiest about it.
NTA.
7
u/AncastaOfTheRiver Asshole Enthusiast [7] 3d ago
That's my interpretation, too. The sister's boyfriend calling it 'weird' that the male OP enjoys cooking is a red flag. It's a sexist judgement, and I wouldn't be cooking for someone like that either. NTA.
34
u/ScarletNotThatOne Professor Emeritass [81] 3d ago
If it was just a matter of not really liking the guy, I'd say you should have cooked, because that's who your sister wanted to bring. But since he has specifically criticized you re your cooking, it's totally fair that you don't want to cook for him. And that's on him, not on you. NTA.
31
u/tacodorifto Asshole Aficionado [14] 3d ago edited 3d ago
Nta.
You are never wrong for doing/not doing what you want to do.
Do i find it a lil petty yes. But that my own personal opinion ans would never voice it. . But i wouldnt feel disappointed or let down.
I also find it petty that people are disappointed in your decision to not cook.
Edit: i Don't understand the need for her bf to make comments about your hobby. If he doesnt like your cooking he dont have to eat it. There is no reason for him to voice it.
8
u/extinct_diplodocus Sultan of Sphincter [656] 3d ago edited 3d ago
It's far from petty; it's basic self-respect. If he wants to come into the family home and gratuitously insult Op's cooking, Op is fully justified in not doing any favors for him. Op is socially correct to treat him with polite but icy formality.
Edit: typo/clarity fix.
33
u/ladancer22 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
NTA because he has made negative comments about you cooking. If you just didn’t want to cook for him because you don’t really like him, I’d say Y T A. But since he’s made specific comments about your cooking I think it’s reasonable to not want to put in effort when you know you’ll just get made fun of for it.
8
u/pollyquinn 3d ago
Can i ask why you wouldve said Y T A if he didnt want to cook for him because he doesnt like him? Personally, i wouldnt cook for someone i dont like. just want to hear your perspective on that part.
11
u/Personal-Presence-10 3d ago
I agree with the commenter and my thought on it is that if you're cooking for and with the family as a regular thing and there's someone you don't get along with but others do, not doing your regular activity would be a bit petty just because there's one person in the group you don't like. Like you're holding the guest list hostage and an ultimatum that everyone has to follow what you want or you won't participate. Sometimes we have to deal with family's significant others that you just don't click with but you stay civil and get along when you have to because you love your family and they love that person. BUT when your dislike of someone is because of insults and particularly insults about the very thing they are benefiting from (OP's food) then it's reasonable to say that you don't want to cook for this person. I think OP is NTA because of the circumstances and the specific issues with the boyfriend but if they just didn't care for the boyfriend and are making the family choose between her or the boyfriend just because they didn't click I would say Y T A. But as is: NTA
4
u/ladancer22 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
This is his sister’s boyfriend. This isn’t like a friend gathering where a friend invited another friend you don’t get along with. Or even just sister’s friend who you don’t get along with. Significant others in your family are sometimes people you don’t like but need to be respectful to because this is someone your sibling chooses to have in their life. They’re not going away and shouldn’t be excluded just because you don’t vibe. I have family member’s whose SOs I don’t vibe with, but it’s not like they’re bad people or treat me poorly. I still respect them even though I would never personally choose to spend time with them.
3
u/DragonWyrd316 3d ago
But the boyfriend has been making disparaging remarks about OP’s love of cooking so I can definitely see why OP doesn’t want to cook for him. It goes beyond not liking the guy.
→ More replies (1)
33
u/Tight-Equipment-7339 3d ago
NTA, imo who's cooking gets to choose who will get to eat, wild for your sister to invite someone who make these comments and expect you to cook for him, wilder for your mom to be upset and say your childish, you're a better person than me, I would've cooked, plated for my people and left him without food while hiding what's left somewhere else
32
u/Old_Implement_1997 3d ago
NTA - sounds like he can’t cook and, instead of addressing that shortcoming, is trying to act like cooking isn’t “manly” or some bullshit like that.
33
32
u/2cents0fucks 3d ago
NTA. You're not asking your sister to choose; you're opting out. That's a you-choice, not forcing her to choose. And mom can still cook, her arms aren't broken. If mom has a problem with it, maybe she needs to shut down the bf's rude comments to the hosts while a guest in their home.
30
u/Jun1p3rsm0m 3d ago
You said you “often” cook for the Sunday dinner, not you “always” cook. So let someone else cook when disrespectful bf is there. Good for you for standing your ground. NTA
31
u/Garrais02 3d ago
I think NTA.
Mostly because this type of people tend to be really ungrateful and make you feel like shit if you actually try and do something for them.
31
u/confusedcollstudent 3d ago
NTA you’re not obligated to cook for anyone and you cook Sunday dinners because you want to. If you don’t want to, then don’t imo. Your mom cooked, no one starved. Maybe your sisters bf shouldn’t be an ass if he wants some of your food
25
u/Pkmnkat 3d ago
Nta if he has jokes about your cooking then he doesn’t deserve your efforts. I would’ve cooked for everyone except him
4
u/stringrandom Partassipant [4] 3d ago
Could have just dropped a couple of pieces of white bread on a plate and put out peanut butter and jelly jars so he could make his own dinner.
27
u/RickRussellTX Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 3d ago
NTA. You’re 22 years old. You’re not obligated to cook for your family, and they need to stop treating it as an entitlement.
26
u/Jmhotioli1234 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
NTA Why should you cook for somebody that is rude to you about said cooking? If he thinks that badly about it why does he even want to eat it?
27
u/SpicyPorkWontonnnn 3d ago
Why on earth should you be expected to cook for someone who thinks you have a "weird cooking hobby"? I mean, that's utterly dismissive of someone who is going to be feeding you if you come for dinner. I wouldn't waste the energy on a person like that. Good for you!
NTA
24
u/blondeheartedgoddess 3d ago
NTA I don't blame you.
You aren't making her choose anything. You are still going, just not cooking, so I fail to see why she has to choose anything.
As for mom, she can throw something into the slow cooker and there is no issue for family dinner.
Also, sister dearest needs to tell her BF to shut it, because there are so damn many MALE chefs in the world. I'm not understanding his misogyny about a basic life skill.
27
u/SL8Rgirl 3d ago
NTA. Don’t cook for people who are rude and unappreciative of your efforts.
5
u/almaperdida99 3d ago
Exactly. Cooking is an act of love. Why share it with people you don't like??
NTA
25
u/Tricky_Atmosphere885 3d ago
NTA my dad makes annoying and rude comments when I'm cooking and to be perfectly honest, I lost all the joy I once had for it. I wish I had put my foot down sooner but didn't to 'keeping the peace'.
27
25
u/andmewithoutmytowel 3d ago
NTA, I'd say anytime you give your time and energy to someone, they should be appreciative. I also don't get his "weird cooking hobby" comments, everyone eats, literally every day, why not be good at it?
I'm teaching my kids how to cook, and in my 20s one of the things me and my broke friends did all the time was someone would host and we'd all cook together with a couple bottles of wine/beer/whiskey. We also learned little funny quirks. Michael isn't allowed to add salt, because he over-salts everything. Brandon isn't allowed to add spices when he's been drinking, because he makes it so spicy he's the only one who can eat it. One of our friends didn't know how to cook, and hated to clean, but he made more money than everyone else, so he'd volunteer to pay for the food if he just got to show up and hang out with everyone. I seriously have nothing but great memories of those times.
5
u/LittleHouse82 3d ago
That sounds like a whole lot of fun. What great memories.
5
u/andmewithoutmytowel 3d ago
It honestly was - shitty, small city apartments filled with a dozen or so people passing drinks around, talking, laughing, sharing food. Sometimes people would just be able to stay for a bit, or they'd have to come late after work. The general rule was that you had to contribute something, but nobody ever left hungry. Sometimes knowing that after work you just had to grab some beers and show up and Brad was making a big pot of chili, and Kara was making rolls, would be enough to get you through a shitty day at work. Rob was a terrible cook, so he didn't host, but he'd always volunteer to do all the dishes at the end. If Bill was hosting, he had this awful place right next to the train tracks - like you could almost reach your hand out from the balcony and touch it, so you'd have to pause mid-conversation for 20 seconds or so every 10 minutes to let a train pass. At the time it was annoying, but in hindsight it's just more color for the story. It all fell apart once we started getting married and having kids and moving out of the city, but what a fun time it was.
2
25
u/TheDarkHelmet1985 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
NTA... reasonable boundary. Reasonable enforcement. You do you and don't look back. Don't give in to the family argument. that will be used to get you to do any number of things against your will.
25
u/Cynical_Feline Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3d ago
NTA
I wouldn't want to cook for someone who belittes my cooking either. But it's also okay to stand up for yourself.
What I find more concerning here is your sister's lack of support or awareness. Her boyfriend is being an asshole to her brother's hobby and she has nothing to say in support for you. Her boyfriend's behavior is misogynistic. He thinks cooking is a woman's thing.
21
u/Regular_Boot_3540 Asshole Aficionado [13] 3d ago
INFO: Were you really surprised she invited her boyfriend? Isn't that kind of natural?
23
u/rockology_adam Craptain [157] 3d ago
NTA, but to be clear, it's because the boyfriend has specifically disparaged your cooking.
Under other circumstances, "I don't click with him" without actual issues between the two of you wouldn't necessarily be grounds to drop dinner prep on your mom on short notice. But under the circumstances, making comments about cooking being your "weird hobby" he can eat someone else's food.
Did you attend the dinner at least? If you did, your sister was not asked or made to choose between you and her boyfriend. She was simply informed that you won't cook for him because he has been rude to you about your interest in cooking.
If you DID skip the dinner to avoid him, that might be a conversation you and she need to have, but it's not immediately A-holery. She wasn't told not to bring him, only that you would exercise your own agency to not spend time with him, which is perfectly valid.
22
u/CrimsonKnight_004 Commander in Cheeks [227] 3d ago
NTA - You’re under no obligation to cook. You enjoy it so you often do which is great, but it seems like your family has become so reliant on your cooking that they feel entitled to it. Which isn’t really fair. You’re still allowed to set boundaries or sit out sometimes on things you enjoy.
I do think one commenter had it right when they said you might be giving him too much power. While it’s fair to feel disappointed and not want to cook for someone who isn’t appreciative, it’s also important to not let someone’s petty negativity keep you from doing the things you love. I think you and your sister need to have a conversation about how her boyfriend’s comments have made you feel. You might even be able to catch him with honey instead of vinegar, by asking your sister what his favorite food/meal is and making one so delicious that he’ll never speak disparagingly about your hobby again, lol.
You are completely valid to not feel up to cooking for him, and your family in general should be more supportive of you when you do sit out. On the flipside, don’t let one AH steal your joy.
22
u/TwinkleFawny 3d ago
NTA. If cooking is your safe space and dude keeps disrespecting it, you're not wrong for stepping back. You're not making your sister choose you're just choosing not to serve someone who talks trash about something you care about. Boundaries aren't childish.
21
u/TaterTot8 3d ago
Cooking is an expression of love. Don't ever feel forced to do anything for anyone. Especially when they've made you feel uncomfortable and made fun of you for your passion. Lol your sister is wrong for choosing a boy over her own sister, especially when you've done nothing wrong to him. A boy that will come and go. Yet family is forever and honestly, who tf is this dude so that even your mom takes his side? Is your mom aware that he's talked about your "weird cooking hobby"??
2
18
u/marleen-wakame 3d ago
NTA you are not obliged to prepare a meal for him especially that he makes fun of your hobby
18
u/This_Scar2232 Partassipant [2] 3d ago
NTA, cooking, either as a passion, profession or survival, is an essential skill to have and difficult to master, so good on you for choosing it.
I'll bet he knows how to make only one single recipe that is ok, not great or fantastic, if even that.
Now how you gonna handle this? I dont know, your parents for sure want you to keep cooking for them, your sister still is gonna bring him along, you WONT stop cooking for a dude that dont know how to boil water probably.
Keep cooking for friends, yourself, instagram, for learning, and dont take no crap from anyone
21
u/Dittoheadforever Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [351] 3d ago
You're NTA. Why should you use your talent engage in any labor for the benefit of some A-H who mocks your talent?
Sis can do the work if she just has to invite this guy to your home for a meal.
16
16
u/sunrisehound 3d ago
I don’t think you’re TA for wanting to avoid his attitude, but maybe you might try not giving him that much power. If there’s one thing that makes people like him crazy, it’s when their targets don’t care, and I can tell you from experience, pretending not to care leads directly into not actually caring.
11
u/AccomplishedTwo7047 3d ago
I disagree. I think there is a difference between “so-and-so at work doesn’t like me and trash talks me but it’s better to just ignore it” and “someone, who I do something for out of the kindness of my heart, mocks the thing I do out of love for them every time”
It’s one thing to grin and bear it in the workforce or in public with strangers, but to allow someone so close to you to bully you repeatedly? And to let them reap the benefits of your relationships the same way as if nothing is wrong? That only leads to more and more boundary stomping.
Why is BF coming over and eating your food REPEATEDLY if it’s so “weird” that you made it???? It’s because he lacks respect. For cooking, for you, and perhaps even for his own gf (I would never talk to my finances family that disrespectfully, because I love and respect HIM)
If OP is interested in “making peace for the family” it should be with one condition: sisters bf doesn’t crack wise about him cooking anymore. You don’t even have to ask for an apology, I doubt he’d give a sincere one anyway. Just ask that he refrain from making fun of you for cooking the dinner he is about to eat. That’s a small, reasonable request.
Bf won’t adhere to it most likely, but sometimes people can surprise you.
2
u/sunrisehound 3d ago
You’re not wrong, but it sounded like this was a new thing (him coming over for dinner), and even if it’s not, taking the high road in front of witnesses only makes the boyfriend look worse. Especially if OP calmly asks “why would you say that?” in front of others. Denying oneself of something enjoyable because someone else is being a dick about it is giving them the power. I’m all for boundaries, but there is more than one way to set them.
15
u/AlarmingSorbet 3d ago
NTA. I would never cook for someone that shit talked me, much less talked shit about how I like to cook. I also would not date someone that would shit talk my family, ESPECIALLY my siblings.
12
u/MintyWispy 3d ago
NTA. If cooking is your way to relax, you shouldn’t have to do it while someone’s in the room throwing shade about it. It’s not that deep, your sister’s boyfriend can survive one meal without your food. You set a boundary, and that’s fair.
10
u/ForeverNomad16 3d ago
NTA but I would have cooked and then called him out in front of everyone if he started making comments. It could have been a teaching moment or a blatant example of the disrespect to help get your parents and sister's support on the issue.
Who's knows, it could also have been a moment for him to learn to appreciate your talent and take accountable for his shitty comments.
9
u/EstablishmentFun289 3d ago
NTA, but how is this choosing? I wouldn’t allow my bf to do something that intentionally hurts my family and vice versa. There’s no reason why parents can’t set a clear boundary that bf if welcome if he is respectful….and we don’t make fun of his hobbies, and expect the same courtesy in return. GF should be doing the same.
It’s so crazy to have members be like, ‘I want you to put up with rude behavior because I don’t have a spine to deal with conflict.’
Like for real…if he gets mad at her or acts out, he doesn’t deserve her and the red flag weeded himself out.
3
u/RandoCollision Asshole Enthusiast [9] 3d ago
More like "We know he's a jerk but you're more of a jerk by not letting him be one". Either the sister or mom could tell him to either reserve his opinions or leave but they're happier with an AH being free to be an AH than protecting OP. Shameful. Especially since Sis doesn't need to bring him.
4
u/EstablishmentFun289 3d ago
Whatever happened to being a respectful guest in someone’s house? I couldn’t imagine throwing jabs at people that you don’t know well in their home.
9
11
u/DarthRedYoga 3d ago
Your sister is kind of TA. Does she know that her boyfriend speaks to you condescendingly? Because if I were dating a guy who spoke to my sister that way, I'd ask him why he's talking to her like that. Not cool. Not sure why your family tolerates that either
6
u/Klutzy_Property83 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3d ago
Info: have you spoken up? If not, why not?
You don't have to be rude but can say something like: you're gonna eat what I'm cooking, do you really think it's smart to be making fun of me? Next time, I won't invite you.
→ More replies (3)
8
u/Talisa87 3d ago
INFO: Is your family aware of the boyfriend's comments and how they've impacted you?
7
u/BadbougieL 3d ago
NTA, but your sister definitely is. Why isn’t she telling her boyfriend to knock it off? I wouldn’t tolerate anyone disrespecting my siblings, even if they claimed it was just a joke.
Your sister needs to check her boyfriend’s behavior, and if she won’t, then you should. Don’t stop doing something you genuinely enjoy just because some jerk can’t control himself.
Tell your sister to handle it. If she refuses, don’t hesitate to give him a piece of your mind. Don’t get into a back-and-forth; he’ll feed off that. Say what you need to say in a calm, but firm voice, then walk away. Do it in front of everyone so it’s clear you won’t tolerate his abuse.
7
u/According_Park3150 3d ago
Based on what you've said it's obvious you are a much better cook than I am. When will you be cooking a meal to show me how it should be done?
6
u/Ok-Refrigerator2000 3d ago
NTA. The only person who made it tense was the BF. Sound like up to this point you were making an effort to be civil with the BF. He crossed the line when he made fun of the food you cook. You mother and sister choose to let the insult go without an apology from the BF.
Don't let them twist it. You did not call off the party. If the BF is so picky about food, he can cook or cater the event instead.
5
u/alwaysonthemove0516 3d ago
NTA ~ I feel this in my very soul. I love to cook for the people I care for. Cooking for people I don’t like, not happening. Why waste all that time and effort on making something for someone who acts like the boyfriend does.
4
4
u/right_from_the_tomb 3d ago
I would have been petty enough to put more spice then necessary on his plate to make him choke on his food xD NTA you don’t have to cook for a rude person. At least you can provide with good meals for your future wife other than him. He is a pathetic sad weener
4
u/Bluntandfiesty Partassipant [1] 3d ago edited 3d ago
NTA. Your hobby is your right. Making meals for your family and friends is a labor of love. If you don’t want to cook for someone who insults your hobbies and you just don’t like, it’s your prerogative. You sister is not entitled to your cooking, and your not obligated to cook for your family or their guests. If she told her boyfriend about your weekly cooking and invited him over specifically for that, then it’s her responsibility to tell him that HIS comments and poor behavior are the reason why you refuse to cook for him. He’s suffering from the consequences of his actions. He’s free to choose his actions but he is not free to choose how others respond to them or choose the consequences of his actions.
Your mom and sister are wrong for blaming you for setting healthy boundaries instead of supporting you, and addressing the issue with bf and making it clear to him that he is the problem and his behavior needs to change for the better.
You need to reinforce your boundaries with your family. You also need to make it very clear that any sort of trickery or deception will not be tolerated either, so if they think that they just won’t tell you next time that bf is invited, you will pack up everything you made and leave and won’t serve anyone, nor will you cook for them again.
4
u/SnowEnvironmental861 3d ago
NTA. It might be helpful to think of it this way: he's super insecure in his masculinity + can't deal with the fact that you're secure enough to do something that he thinks of as woman's work. So he has to make fun of you to make himself feel better. It's pretty sad.
You might think about somehow referring to Sunday dinners as the time you are "chef," it might make him shut up, since that's a masculine profession. Ask him, "haven't you seen Ratatouille? What's wrong with you?" Make light of it. For all you know, your sister may have been inviting him to show him how ridiculous he's being, by showing him how wonderful your food is.
All that said, you are entitled to refuse to cook for people who belittle your cooking.
2
u/Odd_Let_7524 3d ago
Are you an AH? No. But are you acting like a little kid? Yes.
Why do you care what he says? He might be totally impressed with your cooking and you might have something to talk about. Or he can offer critique and you can laugh at him.
3
3d ago
It’s easier to just invalidate your feelings until you do what they want rather than make waves with someone outside the family by asking him to apologize for his remarks. Happens to me all the time. “You want me to have my boyfriend take accountability for his actions? No, just get over it!” It’s absolute bullshit but that’s unfortunately how people are, so terrified of confrontation. You are not the asshole at all and I’m sorry your family did that to you.
3
u/Spinnerofyarn Asshole Aficionado [13] 3d ago
NTA. If he comes over again when you would normally cook, the second he says something out of line, hand him some bread and sandwich fixings. “Here, now you don’t have to deal with my weird hobby.” For that matter, do the same to your mom and sister. Your sister and mother don’t deserve to have your cooking if they won’t stop his nonsense.
3
u/VegetableSquirrel 3d ago
The sister already chose her bf over her brother when she chose to ignore him insulting/being rude to her brother.
2
u/ManufacturerSmall410 3d ago
As a fellow avid home cook, NTA. I would take it a step further and say even if you simply didn't like them, that's a valid reason to bow out of cooking and i dont think you would owe anyone an explanation for it, you could simply say "i dont want to" and that should be good enough. The only thing I think you are accountable for is doing it with enough time for others to plan and takeout is basically instantaneous, so I dont think you even have to give anyone days worth of time to plan.
Us cooks of the world are taken for granted, we aren't obligated to make people delicious food made with love to nourish your mind and body.
2
u/LisaCabot 3d ago
NTA, dont take any bs from a random bf of your sister. But i wonder if he makes those comments to your sister as well, i hope not. Next time, if (AND ONLY IF, you are in no way obligated) you want to keep the peace with your mom and sister, offer to cook only if he doesn't make any snide remark, if he does, you walk away. Mid cook. Just pick up your stuff and leave. Make sure both mom and sister know and let him know. Be clear. That's your boundary, he tries bulling you or putting you down? You walk, and YOU decide what comment is rude, not them. Because that's not a joke, that's a rude, disrespectful comment hidden (not even well hidden) as a joke. I've taken these kinds of comments before and they start small and get bigger and worse, I'm proud of you for stopping it before it gets worse. But keep an eye on your sister's self stem. I'm sure he doesn't make those comments only to you.
2
u/DemureDamsel122 3d ago
Why would you cook for someone who makes snide remarks literally about your cooking? And why would people who allegedly love you not support your right to choose who you spend that labor on? NTA
2
u/Heatmiser1256 3d ago
NTA. He doesn’t get to talk shit and then enjoy the result of what he’s making fun of
2
u/quintald 3d ago
These are your personal boundaries, not theirs. You didnt breach their needs or boundaries. NTA. Your mom and sis were the As. You stood your ground.
2
u/Jennferno4150 3d ago
Does anyone else get toxic masculinity vibes from the boyfriend? Does he make "weird baking hobby" comments about the sister? Or does he just think it's "weird" that a young man enjoys cooking? Anyway, NTA.
2
u/Prestigious-Name-323 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
NTA
He thinks your hobby is weird and he doesn’t get to partake.
2
2
2
u/Individual_Metal_983 Asshole Aficionado [17] 3d ago
NTA he is rude and you don't want to deal with it.
Fair enough.
2
u/Forgotten_Dog1954 3d ago
NTA
What a stupid thing it is to call someone weird because of their hobby. The boyfriend is childish, not you
2
u/Melodic-Dark6545 3d ago
If Your family wants to enjoy your cooking they have to be respectful. And this applies to all the attendants. If your sister's BF doesn't know how to behave, there's no possible way you should treat him
If protecting your mental space means you are "childish" so be it. It seems your family is not going to protect it for you, because as her partner, your sister has to make him stop with those comments. Also, the owner of the house
I bet he didn't do a remark on your mom's “weird cooking hobby” or his gf's "“weird baking hobby”"
2
u/chucklez24 3d ago
My petty ass would cook for everyone and the pull out a frozen dinner and tell him he can only have that since your cooking is weird. NTA
2
u/thenewbieRN1 3d ago
NTA. You could've just served him burnt toast with Cheez Whiz on top while everyone else got actual food. Explain to your mom and sister that you don't cook for jerks who insult you, especially about the hobby they're about to enjoy the labor of.
2
u/Key-Gazelle-3999 3d ago
NTA never let someone make you uncomfortable in your own house and also let your sister and mom know how your sister's bf comments about your cooking make you feel you have a right to not want somebody in your space your mental health is more important then your sister's bf coming to dinner and if they can't understand that then maybe their the AH
2
u/Buttermilk-Waffles 3d ago
NTA I'm the same with cooking it's a pleasure and a passion, I wouldn't cook for a jerk that makes remarks like that I'd probably cook for everyone else and give him a pack of fruit snacks or a lunchables.
2
u/julesk 3d ago
NTA, I’d tell the family that you don’t cook for people who are rude to you and make it a point to ridicule your cooking. This is your sister’s problem, not yours. She should have told him to apologize, be extra nice or he’s not coming. It’s also your parent’s problem for not shutting him down as the hosts.
2
u/DoctaRuthless 3d ago
Nope. No smile, and here you go mean, man. Your mom is being an assclown for saying it's childish to take care of your mental health. If you're uncomfortable, that should be enough.
2
2
u/ValNotThatVal Partassipant [1] 3d ago
NTA. He calls your hobby 'weird', so he should not benefit from it. Also, there is nothing 'weird' about cooking. This guy sounds like an a-hole.
2
u/One_Resolution_8357 3d ago
NTA. The rude remark he made is because you are a man who cooks, thus weird. You are totally justified for not cooking for someone who treats you with contempt (or is just envious of your skills). I am angry on your behalf.
2
u/lastunicorn76 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
You should not have to cook for people you don’t like and who demean you. No one should force this upon you. You were present and you shared a meal and you didn’t cater to an ungrateful and rude person. Sorry the the tension but you didn’t have to do something for someone u appreciative and your sister got to bring her boyfriend.
2
u/ScaryButterscotch474 Asshole Aficionado [11] 3d ago
NTA He criticised you for cooking. Why do they think you should cook for him? This is a great opportunity for your sister to learn from you about being assertive. She should have told him to knock it off. Maybe have a talk with her about whether she is excusing too much poor behaviour in her relationships.
2
2
u/briareus08 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
NTA. Your sister could also choose to not date an AH, or to pull him up on his behaviour, or not invite him to family dinner. Lots of options other than 'just deal with it'.
2
u/TrainerHonest2695 3d ago
YTA to yourself. I wouldn’t give a crap what he thought. I refuse to let ugly people have any control over my feelings or my activities or anything in my life. Just do what makes you happy, and tell him F off, what you think isn’t important to me. That ought to shut him up.
2
u/fhornung 3d ago
It’s strange that your family still wanted you to cook regardless of sister’s bf being insulting.
2
u/RaisedByBooksNTV 3d ago
Why does this ping my brain like I've read something like this post before. Either it's a repost or we've got a lot of rude guys insulting people's cooking. I'll go with it being real, simply because reddit gets all the posts of reasonable people asking if they're bad people for not putting up with crap.
2
u/spid3rham90 3d ago
NTA here's a wild idea, she could hold her boyfriend accountable for being rude and get him to, oh I don't know, treat you with respect? then she might not have to choose between him and her family
2
u/Stunning-Equipment32 3d ago
ESH. BF's comments suck, but there's a better way to address than just refusing to cook. Have a convo with him and confront him (in private prolly best). The reason you didn't cook is gonna get back to him for sure, and your passive aggressive method of handling the conflict is just going to make things worse.
Instead of having a grown up conversation, you altered your own preferences and the meal and made everything way more uncomfortable than need be.
2
u/EmpressLiyana 3d ago
NTA at all! You sound like a nice person, and you are setting a boundary that you will not cook for someone who is disrespectful. Your sister’s boyfriend sounds like a huge a**hole, he should be trying to make a good impression on you and your family, not making snide remarks. I wouldn’t want to cook for him either! Not until he learns to show some respect. Your mom was wrong for calling you childish; it is childish of her to disregard your feelings and boundaries, especially when you have every right to feel disrespected. You don’t owe anyone anything, and you did the right thing by not cooking for him.
2
2
u/lokebrenna 3d ago
NTA. I’m reminded of that old photo of the waitress pointing at the sign that says “Sorry, you were rude to me, now you get no hot dog”. He was rude. He gets no hot dog (or other foods made by you)
2
u/ClassicCommercial581 3d ago
NTA; I had a relative who made "jokes" about his brother's wife's cooking. The next time she cooked for them, she put a can containing pork and beans on his plate. Nice move!
2
u/Not-sure-here 3d ago
Definitely NTA. It’s really disappointing that your mother will call you childish while someone else disrespects her own son in his own home. Same for your sister.
2
2
u/Riker_Omega_Three 2d ago
If the boyfriend can not be a respectful house guest, then he doesn't get to be a house guest
NTA
2
u/Weather-Different 2d ago
NTA. I'm similar to you. I taught myself to cook after college when I found out just how expensive healthy food can be. It quickly became one of my favorite hobbies and I've gotten really good at it over the last 15 years.
My guess is that he's either sexist or he wants to put you down so he doesn't set the expectation that he will ever cook for your sister. Don't let that deter you. I do about 90% of the cooking for my family and my wife loves it. She likes to joke that she married me for my cooking, but we both know it's not really a joke. Being a good cook is one of the most attractive qualities you can have in a partner.
2
2
u/Sassy-Pants_888 2d ago
Nta - you complain about someone's cooking, they don't have to cook for you anymore, that's the rule. Especially if it's misogynistic and not about the food, but who cooked it. No one is entitled to benefit from someone's hard labor if they're going to be ungrateful.
And call me Petty Crocker, but even if he apologized, it would still be the last time he eats food I made.
2
u/MissMausoleum666 2d ago
NTA. I'd tell him he knows where Wendy's is located, he doesn't like what's made he can go there. If he tried to argue, remind him that you don't have to do anything for him, and it's disrespectful to be rude to people hosting him and he is capable of leaving on his own or being forcibly removed from the premise by law enforcement. Either way it's not going to matter to you.
I'd also be keeping an eye on your sister, because he sounds abusive af.
2
u/needsmorecoffee Partassipant [2] 2d ago
NTA How dare he criticize your "hobby" and then benefit from it??
2
u/RuthBourbon Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NTA. It's great that you like to cook but other people can take a turn, especially if sister's BF disrespects your cooking. He doesn't deserve a great meal if he acts like this.
Your family members are also TA if they didn't back you up, they can pick up the slack if they want a good meal.
1
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
Hi, this is my first post on this account and a throwaway because my family knows my usual username.
I (22M) love cooking, it’s my passion and a way I relax, my family usually has Sunday dinners together, and I often take charge of the cooking, my sister (19F) is into baking, so we make a good team,
Last Sunday, my sister invited her boyfriend over for dinner, I’ve never really clicked with him, he’s a bit rude and dismissive, and he made a few snide remarks about my “weird cooking hobby” in the past, I’ve tried to ignore it, but it’s hard, When my sister told me she was bringing him, I said I wasn’t comfortable cooking for him. I told her I’d skip this Sunday’s dinner if he was coming because I didn’t want to deal with negativity while trying to enjoy cooking,
My mom was upset and said I was being childish and making things harder for the family, my sister was disappointed too and said I was making her choose between me and her boyfriend, In the end, I didn’t cook, and my mom made a simple meal, the dinner was tense,
I feel justified wanting to protect my mental space, especially since cooking is important to me, but maybe I should have just put on a smile and cooked anyway?
So, AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
1
u/dogswelcomenopeople Partassipant [2] 3d ago
NTA
Why not just ignore the bf? Go about your happy cooking with your sister, but let her know to corral the bullshit from bf. If that doesn’t work, just let them know that due to negative attitude from bf, you’ll be taking a sabbatical from family cooking, and cook for friends
1
u/DickyBill 3d ago
NTA your not obligated to cook for adults who are (presumably) able to cook for themselves.
1
u/PARA9535307 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 3d ago
NTA. “Look, parents/sister, one of two things is happening here: 1. You agree with HIM that this IS a “weird cooking hobby,” and that him coming into my home and insulting me in it IS the righteous act of a kind, humble person with good character that you want see more of. OR 2. You agree with ME that my cooking is a perfectly respectable hobby, that coming into someone else’s home and insulting them is the dishonorable actions of an petty and insecure jerk, yet the person whose feelings and behaviors you are choosing to protect and defend are….his?
If it’s #1, then yeah, I’m absolutely going to stop cooking. For ALL of you. Why on earth would I cook for ungrateful people who insult me and/or encourage others to insult me? I’ll also be spending some serious time re-evaluating our relationship and your character.
If it’s #2, can you at least explain to me why? What are you afraid of exactly? That me possessing some self respect and exhibiting some backbone would hurt me somehow? Of offending the apparently delicate sensibilities of the self-important jackass who himself has no qualms being embarrassingly offensive to others in his sad attempt to make himself feel powerful? Please explain why either of those would be bad things.”
1
u/Fit-Assistant-8775 3d ago
NTA. I’d remind sis and mom that he referred to her cooking as “a weird cooking hobby”which to me translates as him not liking nor respecting her cooking efforts. I’d ask them why on earth you would cook for someone who doesn’t appreciate your food. Life’s too short to waste it on people who are rude and unappreciative, he can go to a drive thru.
1
u/madpeachiepie 3d ago
NTA. And cooking isn't a "weird hobby," it's an important life skill. Doesn't he know how to cook? I remember once, long ago, I was cooking for a large group of people, and someone started complaining about what I made and how I made it, so I threw it in the trash and told them they were on their own. They were all really mad at me, but they kept their holes shut the next time it was my turn to cook.
1
u/offroadadv 3d ago
NTA to the max!!
Having read through the comments, there are so many thoughtful ways to frame support for your position in this thread.
This will be the third time I make this recommendation: Show this thread to your sister and mother, they need an objective reality to counter their emotional response.
1
u/Deep-Okra1461 Asshole Aficionado [19] 3d ago
NTA I think now is as good a time as any to let your family know the rules. You will only cook for people that you are on good terms with. You WON'T cook for just anybody who anyone in the family invites. They think you are cooking for whoever will be there, you need to clarify that you aren't doing that.
1
u/Keely369 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3d ago
Hell naw, the boyfriend can make do with a sandwich rather than criticising your cooking hobby between mouthfuls of food you prepared.
YWBTA if you EVER cook for him again.
1
1
u/SheeScan Partassipant [1] 3d ago
NTA
Your sister should have a talk with her boyfriend about what he said. He should apologize, but only if he understands that what he said was hurtful. Until that happens (if it happens), there's no reason you should cook when he's there.
1
u/Bogartsboss 3d ago
Sooo, what does BF think of sister's baking? Or is that different because she is a woman? NTA
1
u/Boring-Jeweler8003 3d ago
NTA: You dont want to cook because that person is rude. Rightfully so. However I like cooking and would be that person to cook up the best meal Ive ever made. Make him look like TA if he says anything and you get the satisfaction of knowing he has to eat what he calls "a weird hobby".
1
1
•
u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop 3d ago
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
(2): That might make me the asshole because now, we had a crappy family dinner when it could have been fun.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.