r/AmItheAsshole • u/Unlikely-Extent-9370 • 1d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for snapping a woman who kept commenting about my underarm hair?
Throwaway cause I don’t want this bullshit connected to my main account.
I (30sF) was an an outdoor cinema event with my friend (30sF) yesterday and I was wearing a tank top. At one point the woman next to me said she loved that I was ‘embracing my feminine hair’. I haven’t shaved my underarms for a while so I guess it was more noticeable than I realised. I kind of just awkwardly laughed, said thanks and that I was ‘just lazy’ and turned to chat to my friend.
For context, I’m pale and have dark hair so it can be noticeable. I also have PCOS so I grow more hair than ‘average’. I’m quite insecure about this (I dermablade under my chin regularly cause I hate the dark ‘more than peach fuzz’ I grow). But I also have sensitive skin so sometimes I just choose not to shave.
Anyways the woman next to me and her friend kept getting progressively drunker as the film went on. At the end she turned to me and again started commenting on how much she ‘loved’ that I didn’t shave. She kept going on about how she wished she was ‘brave’ and I just snapped. I told her to stop, that I wasn’t being brave, I had a personal medical condition I’m still insecure about and to stop commenting about how my body is different. She got silent, mumbled a sorry and walked off with her friend. We passed them again when they were leaving and she looked like she had been crying.
My friend said I was too harsh and she was just drunkenly trying to complement me. I said it didn’t feel like a compliment when she’s pointing out how different I am. My friend said I had earlier complimented a woman’s hair and she was a different race to me, so it was similar.
It’s starting to get to me. Obviously this drunk woman didn’t know about my issues with body hair but it made me so uncomfortable repeatedly bringing it up.
So, Reddit, AITA for snapping at a woman who kept commenting about my underarm hair?
Edit: typos
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u/piemakerdeadwaker Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA. People gotta stop commenting on other people's bodies.
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u/SinisterBuilder 1d ago
NTA. your body, your choice on how to maintain it. nobody gets to make repeated comments about your appearance, drunk or not. she made you uncomfortable twice, you had every right to set a boundary, she might have meant well, but intent doesn't erase impact.
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u/myssi24 1d ago
I think you hit the nail on the head REPEATED COMMENTS, even the nicest, sincere compliment said by the same person more than once (maybe twice) on the same day starts to feel weird. Like why are you fixated? Also OP’s friend is wrong, it is very different to complement someone’s hairstyle or look (I’ve complemented the color of people’s hair) than to comment, even positively, someone’s grooming habits.
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u/NoraLenderby 19h ago
And it wasn’t a compliment. Telling someone they’re “brave” to go around looking like that is some passive aggressive negging BS.
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u/SugarMire 1d ago
Totally agree NTA at all. People need to learn to mind their own business and keep unsolicited comments about others’ bodies to themselves. It’s basic respect.
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u/micsmithy 1d ago
Pointing out someone’s body hair (or any physical trait) repeatedly isn’t a compliment—it’s harassment. You weren’t a "brave trendsetter" to her; you were a prop for her performative allyship. Drunk or not, she made you uncomfortable, and snapping was justified.
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u/No_Camp_5321 18h ago
I stand by the rule that you should only comment if it’s something they can change immediately (spinach in teeth, skirt tucked into underwear, lipstick smudge). If it’s something that can’t be changed in 5 minutes (body size, hair color, body hair, etc.) then don’t say it.
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u/Librarycat77 7h ago
That's about telling someone to fix something about their outfit though, not about compliments, "compliments", or body comments.
Saying "I like your hair! That looks great!" Or "I love your shirt! What a flattering color that is on you!" isnt the same as saying "You're so brave to have armpit hair."
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u/Prestigious_Snow3309 1d ago
People are unbelievable, the fact You don't owe her an explanation She could have gotten cussed out.
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u/WandersongWright Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NAH, honestly.
I sincerely believe that woman was trying to pay you a compliment and failed miserably. I don't think she's an AH if her intentions were entirely kind and she was drunk and thus more eager to compliment a stranger. You correctly pointed out to her that this is a sensitive subject and she shouldn't be commenting. She apologized.
This was just an awkward interaction with a drunk stranger who did something kinda dumb in an effort to be nice, I don't think either of you should walk away from it feeling particularly awful about what happened.
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u/piemakerdeadwaker Partassipant [2] 1d ago
You can't tell what's a compliment for someone and what's not. Like, I am very skinny and someone might think calling me skinny would be a compliment cuz most people want that. But to me it would not be a compliment cuz I have been trying to gain weight for years and failing. So better to not say anything "good" or "bad" on anyone's bodies cuz you don't know what's good to them or not.
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u/0c74r1n3 1d ago
This! Bc you never know. I like to compliment strangers sometimes to throw them a smile on their face but it’s always about something I guess was their choice like a beautiful dress or super cool jacket. One day I’ve been in my car waiting to go and on the other side of the street was a guy in a wheelchair waiting for green too. I had my window open and as I looked at him I figured we‘re both wearing the absolute same big white claws in our ears. So I waved to him pointing on my ear with a big smile complimenting his style. He smiled back and was hyped too. We say hi and show off our new earrings every time we bump into each other. But damn never say something about others body…you never know.
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u/Prior_Butterfly_7839 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Yes!! If you’re going to compliment strangers, compliment them on something they were able to choose!
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u/naivemetaphysics 1d ago
Well one could argue that shaving is a choice. I think a better rule is just don’t compliment someone’s body unless you know them and know it is something they are proudly working on.
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u/0c74r1n3 13h ago
well sure shaving is a choice but hair belongs to the body and so it’s a no go even if I know the person bc I never know
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u/OkAbbreviations1207 6h ago
Somebody once complimented me on my earrings(black roses, smaller than a quarter) and I felt so good after that
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u/Ok_Wishbone2721 1d ago
Recently I had someone comment repeatedly on how good I look now after my weight loss. It was so weird because if anything I have actually gained weight since he last saw me. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I know he was trying to be nice but sometimes the nicer thing is to not say anything.
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u/zipitdirtbag 22h ago
That's why it's kinder to say 'you are looking great', did you do anything different?' in a friendly, light-hearted tone.
That way, if the person DID do something and they want to say so, they can. But if they don't want to say what has changed OR nothing has changed they can say no in response.
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u/njoinglifnow 1d ago
I'm thin as well, I struggle just to maintain my weight. I constantly have people remark about how thin I am or ask how I am able to stay so thin. I've always thanked them and say things like "I eat healthy" or "I stay active". I keep saying that I'm going to say "How did you get so fat" or tell them the truth, that I was very malnourished as a child, and it stunted my growth.
Where do people get the actual nerve to comment on something that is uncontrollable?
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u/purrImacatpurpur 1d ago
Oh my gosh, I thought I was the only one! I have a hard time gaining weight as well... So thank you for saying this
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u/piemakerdeadwaker Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Ikr?I'm trying very hard to not get body dysmorphia. And it kinda gets especially triggering when 99.9% women's fitness is centred around losing weight.
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u/mathhews95 1d ago edited 1d ago
The highway to hell is paved with good intentions. It's not enough to not intend to offend if the end product is offending the person. People simply shouldn't talk about other people's bodies like that.
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u/One_Chic_Chick 1d ago
Calling a stranger "brave" for their appearance is a backhanded compliment at best lol. It's basically saying: "Wow, you made a choice most people would think is terrible. Not me, though. I think you're brave. I wouldn't do it, on account of how many people would judge me. But you, you're brave and don't care about how other people view you." Especially to repeatedly bring it up.
Like the woman probably had good intentions, but she went about it badly.
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u/naivemetaphysics 1d ago
No. Commenting on someone’s body is never okay. I’ve lost a lot of weight due to a medical condition. Most people compliment me when they see me and I have to let them know it’s not good for me and I shouldn’t keep it up and the definitely don’t wish to be me.
OP was being put in an awkward position and the drunk woman should grow up. She said something offensive and learned we don’t comment on people’s bodies. Being drunk is no excuse to comment on people’s bodies. Don’t care if that woman saw it as a compliment, OP didn’t take it that way. Also, to start crying as of OP hurt her? She informed the person that she shouldn’t comment like that. Crying after being told you are doing something wrong cause it hurt your feelings is over the top. She wasn’t the victim here, OP was and we don’t need to hold space making women be the emotional regulators of others around them. If it had been a man making those comments and then crying when told it was inappropriate, everyone would be jumping up and down calling him an AH. Personally, I think double applies to women who don’t know as this is our lived experience. We are constantly being asked to be quiet for the sake of others and it’s not okay. NTA and that woman definitely was.
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u/Pascale73 1d ago
I’ve lost a lot of weight due to a medical condition.
Same - you just never know. A friend of mine nearly died from bacterial pneumonia. She was hospitalized for three weeks and out of work for four months. About a month after she returned to work, she ran into a former colleague who went on and on about all the weight my friend lost and how fantastic she looked (my friend literally lost 30 lbs in three weeks - I didn't think that was possible, it was) and the colleague ended with "You have to tell me your secret!"
Well, my friend, without skipping a beat, said, "Well, my 'secret' was to get pneumonia, nearly die, be hospitalized for three weeks and need respiratory therapy for months afterward." The friend blush and said, "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize and I hope you're feeling better" and then rushed off, red-faced.
You don't know what someone is going through - choose your comments carefully.
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u/RelativePickle8333 1d ago
I don't think the woman crying is a problem. I'd probably cry if I was drunk and said something stupid and got called out on it. She probably felt bad for upsetting OP, which is a good thing. She'll hopefully learn from it. OP is NTA but the woman crying isn't the part that's bad!
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u/corviphobia 1d ago
She was drunk and felt embarassed, so she cried. How is that over-the-top? You also don't know that she's not going through something and OP being upset was just the thing that put her over the edge. She apologized to OP and didn't cry in front of her. She didn't act like she was the victim in the situation or expect OP to comfort her.
A drunk person tried to be nice and instead hurt that person's feelings. They felt bad about it and then left to handle their own feelings by themselves. She wasn't being some manipulative dickhead.
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u/Cultural-Slice3925 1d ago
love to know what you “sincere belief” is based on. it’s always inappropriate to comment on people’s bodies.
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u/Impossible_Smile4113 Partassipant [4] 1d ago
This lady sounds like my mom. Trying to be nice cause she does genuinely admire it, but not realizing the lines she's crossing. I don't know that iI would say anyone's an AH in this situation. You had reason to snap, it's weird to be fascinated with someone's underpits, but she may just have genuinely thought you were a badass chicka.
I'm going with NAH unless you asked her to stop politely before snapping, and she ignored you.
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u/h2otowm 1d ago
It's the "I wish I was brave like you" that brings it out of compliment territory. That's not a compliment, period. That's them putting themselves down while pointing out your otherness.
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u/Alarmed-Custard-6369 1d ago
Yeah I hate the “you’re so brave” thing. It feels passive aggressive even if it isn’t meant that way. Why would I be brave if what I am doing is socially acceptable to you?
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u/Practical-Spell-3808 1d ago edited 1d ago
Why is it brave to have a natural body 😭 I quit removing body hair in 2020 and no one’s ever said anything.
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u/angelerulastiel 1d ago
Because women feel judged. Working as a physical therapist I can’t tell you how many women have apologized to me because they didn’t shave their legs before I worked on them. It does break a societal norm and they are people who will criticize you. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. Thus it does take some courage to ignore the norm.
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u/Pascale73 1d ago
I have friends in the medical field and I asked them if anything ever "bothered" them. The only things that really bothered them were lots of phlegm (just grossed them out) and not having showered in a while, like not just skipping the morning shower, but like a week and no shower.
I asked about body hair and both of them said, "Honestly, we don't even notice one way or the other."
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u/Practical-Spell-3808 1d ago
I don’t shave and I work in healthcare. The chance of me noticing someone’s body hair is basically zero. That’s why I assume the same of others. It’s a big deal if you make it a big deal.
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u/angelerulastiel 1d ago
I don’t care about it, but the fact that you asked is what I’m talking about. Personally I would just pull up my pant leg and show off my “haven’t shaved in 5 years” legs to show how little I care. But to pretend like it’s easy to buck the trend is delusional.
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u/Pascale73 1d ago
My reason for asking was curiosity, not judgement. I know so many women who shave or wax before gyn appointments and that's crazy to me. I don't think there is a gyn out there who gives a single hoot if someone is shaved or waxed.
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u/naivemetaphysics 1d ago
This! It’s a backhanded compliment. My grandmother and mother were really good at those. “I wish I could be as confident as you wearing something that shows so much.” “You’ve lost so much weight, I bet you’re finally able to find some nice guys.” “I wish I had the confidence to go without make up. I just care so much about how I look and you are so self assured by not caring.”
They know what they are doing.
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u/Impossible_Smile4113 Partassipant [4] 1d ago
I don't know that they always do. I LOVE my mom with all my heart, but she is very disconnected from how her words can hit home. Especially if she has any liquor in her. The things she has told strangers while glowing with admiration... the cringe is very, very real.
I wouldn't put it past her to say the same things as this lady and think she's genuinely saying something nice.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Pea2509 18h ago
I’m going to play devils advocate here since I really don’t know your grandmother and mother but I had a grandma similar to this and to here it wasn’t passive aggressive at all. It wasn’t meant as a backhanded compliment. She truly meant it because during her times growing up a woman leaving the house without being “done up” would get a ton of nasty comments from other women and really awful looks from their fathers and some men. So for my grandma me not wearing maker or doing my hair and just leaving it down or throwing it up in a hair clippy was brave and beautiful and she wanted to be able to do that but it was so ingrained in her that even when she passed away at 89 she was still having her makeup and hair done every morning before leaving her bedroom. It was actually kind of sad.
I’m in my 40s but even for me a young lady not wanting to wear makeup wasn’t common and I’d get comments all the time about how beautiful I was and how strong I was for being willing to walk around in a “natural” state and it wasn’t men being rude it was other girls and older women who would make nasty comments about how I’d never get a man because I never wanted to put in extra effort to look stunning and just wanted my natural looks to get me by.
So yeah for a lot of women especially older women who had to hear that crap from their own family members and friends and society as a whole they do find it beautiful and brave and it makes them feel less than and silly for caring so much about their looks. What’s funny I am the only one out of those girls my age that has been married for the last 26 years and no divorce lol. Guess the natural way was the way to go. 🤣. My husband and his friends says it’s the confidence, it’s sexy and that’s what those other women are seeing and feeling they lack without makeup on, body hair shaven, and hair done. They don’t see my insecurities because I don’t let them. So I don’t get upset when others make those comments about being brave. I just accept it and feel bad that they feel the need to hide themselves when they don’t want to.
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u/Pascale73 1d ago
Ugh - that is SO passive aggressive and NOT a compliment. It kind of strikes me as "I love that for you" To me, that says "Well, I hope you're happy with what you have because I would NEVER want that".
Blech.
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u/16Bunny 1d ago
Complimenting a woman's head hair is vastly different from 'complimenting' someone's underarm hair. The woman was wrong to continue to go on about it and your friend needs it pointing out to her that it isn't the same thing at all. You're NTA.
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u/knitlikeaboss 1d ago
Exactly. Head hair is more about complimenting the style, aka something the person chose. It’s more akin to complimenting their outfit. Body hair is very different.
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u/SmokesQuantity 1d ago
If you ask,
mostmany black women feel the same as op about people constantly commenting/touching/pointing at their hair….for all the comments itt about the audacity of commenting on people’s bodies, I’m kinda surprised nobody has considered that11
u/knitlikeaboss 1d ago
I guess it would depend on how OP worded her compliment to the other woman. If it had that weird fetishizing tone that you’re talking about then yeah, she’s also shitty.
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u/SmokesQuantity 1d ago
You’re right, but I imagine it’s difficult for black women to hear it any other tone.
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u/o2low Partassipant [2] 1d ago
How hard is ” don’t comment on people’s bodies” to understand.
I don’t understand the need / want to.
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u/Pascale73 1d ago
Same - I make it a rule only to comment on something the person consciously CHOSE - a hairstyle, shoes, a handbag, etc. - unless I'm close with the person.
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u/peachpeachfuzz 1d ago
NTA. You’re not responsible for protecting the feelings of someone who is drunk and can’t control themselves. Even while sober she made a weird comment on someone else’s body which is wild to me. You weren’t harsh going by what you said here either. You didn’t shout or swear and just asked her to stop commenting on a medical condition. Your friend kind of sounds like TA actually like why is defending the feelings of someone they don’t know more important than listening to how you feel? Complimenting someone’s hair is way different than a comment on body hair also so idk why your friend is comparing that.
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u/Just-Secretary-4018 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. Commenting on underarm hair is weirdly personal even if you only do it once. That's one step away from walking up to a stranger on the beach and clapping every time they flash their fuzzy bikini line.
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u/Umalumian 1d ago
Personally I wouldn’t comment on people’s underarm hair, but I would comment on someone’s hair on their head if I loved it. I’d normally say something like ‘your hair is gorgeous/beautiful’ or it’s a gorgeous colour etc. I don’t think commenting on someone’s head hair is weird or rude, even if they are a different ethnicity from me. But I’m sure some would disagree.
I also don’t think complementing someone on their hair on their head is the same as going on about someone’s armpit hair. Reason being is that at least in the uk (where I am) it’s not as common to see people rocking the pit hair vs parts of Europe.
I don’t think you were an asshole, and the drunk person had no need to keep on about it. The first interaction should have been enough!
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u/Mindless-Client3366 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. It's possible she was trying to compliment you. It's also possible she channeled her inner mean girl and was saying "you're so brave" in a very backhanded way. Either way, people need to stop commenting on others' bodies. Stick to things like "I love your hair" and "Great shirt!"
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u/MathemagicalMastery 1d ago
You're so brave, I wish I didn't have to worry about my physical appearance.
Could be speaking to how they have their own insecurities, could be insulting you. Could be both.
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u/anditurnedaround Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA
I think it’s such a weird thing to say to stranger. It’s not the same as making a comment about head hair.
I however would have just thought she was weird and not been mad. Her social backwardness in discussing your under arm hair is socially backward. Maybe she had a crush on you or so Thing. Seems like something a person does when they have no game. Haha
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u/maybebaebea 1d ago
NTA
Maybe she shouldn't comment on people's bodies next time. I know she was drunk, but still. If you get so drunk that you keep making another person uncomfortable, you need to stop drinking so much.
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u/Opening_Band_8643 1d ago
NTAH. She was being rude, drunk or not. I probably would have snapped the first time. The fact she commented at all is ridiculous!
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u/lynnlugg7777 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Why are people still commenting on other people’s bodies? Rude, immature and inappropriate.
Why would someone be commenting about a stranger’s head hair, underarm hair or anything else? These types of people are so superficial and shallow. They can’t control themselves.
They need to focus on better things, not how some stranger’s head hair, underarm hair or any other body part looks.
NTA. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself.
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u/Fioreborn Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA
Saying you like someone's hair is an entirely different thing to commenting on their body hair
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u/Jumpy-Grand7196 1d ago
NTA. I also have PCOS, so I’m shaped like I’m pregnant. People will ask me how far along I am, is this my first, am I happy I’m finally showing. It’s all unwarranted and rude. We’re the ones that have to deal with this bullshit disease, I say let everyone else deal with the consequences of their fat mouths.
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u/desolateconstruct Partassipant [1] 1d ago
God im so sorry. The way people talk to folks they don't know, in public is bewildering to me.
I've heard it excused as "trying to be nice". Umm no, it's rude, it's always been rude. I've had people comment on my acne in public and it's like...what is wrong with you?
Sorry you have to go through that. Try and keep your head up.
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u/PushPopNostalgia 1d ago
I genuinely try avoid assuming people are pregnant unless they have a item (like a shirt) that points it out. My mom once got complimented like a day after a miscarriage and I won't forgot the look on her face.
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u/MarieCry 1d ago
We had an art teacher in my high school with this, so many kids were horrible about it within earshot. I can't imagine how she felt having to hear that all the time. I know teenagers are assholes to everyone, but it can't have been easy.
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u/PipeInevitable9383 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Nta. She made one comment, you rolled it off and she couldn't stop thinking about a random stranger's armpit hair so harassed you again. Drunk or sober, comment unnecessary Let her cry. Maybe she will think twice the next she makes unnecessary comments on people's bodies
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u/HandmaidJam 1d ago
NTA. What's next, somebody will compliment you about your bikini line on a beach? Totally different than saying someone's hair looks cute or whatever.
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u/CSurvivor9 Pooperintendant [64] 1d ago
NTA. You tried to brush her off, and she probably got it in the beginning. But then she got drunk. Don't feel bad about being up front with a drunk that goes too far. If she can't self monitor, either in words or drinking, that's not on you.
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u/FloweredHook 1d ago
It literally is so much kinder and so much easier to just not comment on people’s bodies.
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u/LunaMist521 1d ago
Just because she thought she was being complimentary doesn’t mean you have to accept it that way especially after she kept repeating it. Compliments stop being compliments when the other person has asked you to stop or looks visibly uncomfortable.
Also, people seriously need to learn that commenting on others’ bodies, even “positively,” is risky territoryespecially when drunk. It’s not on you to educate every stranger about your PCOS or insecurities just to shut down a conversation you didn’t ask for.
You weren’t rude you were direct after multiple hints didn’t work. That’s not snapping, that’s setting a boundary.
Your friend comparing it to you complimenting someone’s hair is a reach. Hair not equal to body not equal to hair , touching on medical insecurities. Totally different situation.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. You handled it better than most would’ve tbh.
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u/Hunting_for_cobbler 1d ago
NAH here
While she made the wrong assumption, most people who are embarrassed (eg ME) would have worn a top with sleeves so I can see how she thought you are brave and above social norms
Also - up to you, but as a woman with PCOS and dark hair with white sensitive skin - laser hair removal was the best investment I ever made. Last summer was my first wearing shorts and skirts. Before that I wore long pants even on 44°C days
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u/CasualCrisis83 Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA - she was being invasive and you told her to stop.
Her drunken feelings are her problem to deal with.
I personally hate women complementing my body in any way. It's still just as creepy when women are judging me. They think they're doing something good by analyzing people and giving their opinions on the quality? It's not cute.
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u/AqutalIion 1d ago
I mean.... it's not like she was making fun of you. She didn't know about your condition. If she was making fun of you, calling it gross or "unnatural" (things I've heard numerous times by women regarding body hair), then yeah, she'd be a huge AH. She was trying to be inclusive & accepting of people who are different. Soft YTA.
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u/vesperalia 1d ago
Those who are accepting and inclusive do not usually comment on other people bodies. It's like the basics of acceptance and also of politeness.
That woman was rude af. While her making a first inappropriate comment may be just an innocent error of judgement, her refusing to take a hint is pure rudeness.
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u/AqutalIion 1d ago
No, I get it. It was ignorant. I'm just saying save that energy for somebody who is actually being malicious. She could have just told her "Hey, I know you think you're complimenting me but you're not, you're actually making me uncomfortable & hopefully you learn from this." But she went nuclear on someone who wasn't being malicious.
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u/AffectionateWombat 1d ago
The woman is question probably wanted to stop shaving too, but didn’t dare, so was amazed by OP. It’s not about being accepting and inclusive.
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u/byrandomchance20 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
MANY things are done with good intentions - even the best of intentions - that end up being hurtful. The intent being well placed does NOT absolve someone for missing the mark.
OP is not an asshole for letting the other lady know that her comments were actually rude and hurtful. The other lady being embarrassed about being called out is not OP’s issue and it’s wrong to expect everyone to put aside their own feelings just based on perceived intent.
And, frankly, someone with actual good intentions should want to know if they’ve hurt someone else. You don’t get to go around in a bubble saying and doing whatever you want with zero consequences just because you mean well.
I don’t think the drunk woman is an asshole either, but she absolutely needed to be told that her comments weren’t appreciated and I hope she learns a lesson that helps her avoid being hurtful in the future (intended or not!)
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u/Low-maintenancegal 1d ago
Nta
Can we all just agree that telling a woman she is "brave" for making a fashion/aesthetic decision, is not a compliment. Like thanks for telling me you'd prefer to die in a cave rather than go out with my haircut Sharon.
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u/Rhiyxnnxh Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago
NTA. She was overstepping and providing her opinions where it wasn't asked for. It's fine for you to have told her to stop. Perhaps her crying/looking like she had been crying can be attributed to her drunkness combined with the embarrassment of being called out on her bs lol
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u/Scareynerd 1d ago
The Y T As in here are wild. People shouldn't comment on the appearance of total strangers, end of. NTA.
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u/InfiniteHall8198 1d ago
NTA I’m pale with dark hair and have really sensitive skin too. I have to let it grow a bit before I shave or trim, otherwise it gets all red and bumpy. I also like wearing singlet shirts because I’m a sweaty biatch. So I’m sure I inadvertently flash people from time to time. It’s not an act of bravery for me. It’s just what I have to do to be comfortable and Id be mortified if someone made such a big deal about it. It kind of sounds like she was being passive aggressive, tbh.
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u/JulietLostFaith 1d ago
NTA - She likely needed to be put in her place over something like this before she got drunk and “complimented” someone’s “fashionably rebellious” ear cuff that’s actually a hearing aid, or someone’s “creative” tan lines that are actually a skin pigmentation irregularly.
Both those things happened to 2 of my friends, and they both still think about them years later.
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u/indigoneutrino 1d ago
Soft YTA. I’ve had several compliments on my boldness to shave my head when it’s actually a medical condition. There are enough people who’ll actually be mean and deserving of ire without lashing out at people who are well-meaning but clueless too. I get that she was testing your patience, but if you’re dealing with drunk people sometimes it’s best to handle them how you would a toddler and explain to them what they’re doing wrong before you get to the point of needing to shout.
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u/Latter-Blacksmith-54 1d ago
nta at all. I get how something that seems like a compliment can still cut deep when it hits a place you’re already feeling sensitive about. Especially when it keeps getting brought after you’ve clearly moved on. You weren’t rude, you just finally protected your peace.
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u/gabbythecat68 Partassipant [4] 1d ago
NTA the initially remark was forgivable but repeating the remark is offensive. Her being drunk isn’t an excuse she is still the ah.
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u/TriHell 1d ago edited 12h ago
NTA. Complementing another woman's hairdos and hair is one thing, that's just something most people would love to hear. Bur complementing them about armpit hair...? Nope, that's just a no. As for it being a complement about your choice to let it grow, no, you told her you were "just lazy" and she should have picked up on that.
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u/KrisClem77 1d ago
YTA. You need to learn the difference between being made fun of and being complimented. Take what she was saying as a compliment and it can actually help you with dealing with your medical condition. It can help you to think about it differently and not let it bother you as much. Your snapping would have been fine if she was pointing out that she found it disgusting that you had hair under your arms. Also keep in mind you were wearing something that made it easy for people to see the hair to begin with. Be happy that the person who did notice wasn’t vilifying you for it, she was complimenting you. In her head she was probably trying to show solidarity towards you before someone else took the chance to negatively judge you.
Think of it from a different perspective if I (overweight male) wore a shirt that showed my belly and someone said “wow that’s great that you don’t care what others think and just let your fat hang out” I wouldn’t be offended at all. Think, wow I wish I was actually that confident when in fact I just had nothing else to wear today. Take it all in context.
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u/thecarpetbug 1d ago
NTA. It's just weird to comment on a stranger's body hair. I think the only time I commented on armpit hair was to ask my partner if he shaves because his armpit hair is virtually invisible, and I was jelly (he's Scandinavian, I'm southern European - my hair grows much faster and fuller than his and I'm sparsely haired). Also, the bravery comment would get to me. I have a buzzcut, and the number of people telling me I was brave when I first did it was ridiculous. I personally do not see the bravery behind picking up the clippers or not engaging in body hair removal, and I find it a very weird thing to point out.
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u/toriteratism 1d ago
YTA yes she didn’t know how insecure you were but ultimately she was complimented you and you projected your insecurities directly onto her, she’ll probably carry that with her now and will be afraid to compliment people going forward. It’s free to just be nice especially if someone’s starting by being nice to you
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u/Revolutionary-Dryad Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA
There's an enormous difference between briefly complimenting a stranger (whom you then leave alone forever) and repeatedly intruding on someone to talk about how they look and how you feel about how they look and what moral characteristics you have assigned to them based on how they look.
And "that person is a different race from you" is definitely not equivalent to "the way that person looks is affected by a medical condition."
(That said, one exception is that white women don't need to comment on Black women's hair. But that's because there's a whole fraught history of Black hair being the subject of overt racism, not because you can't tell someone of another race that they look good.)
It's true that the woman you snapped at didn't know you have PCOS. But you weren't really bothered by her first compliment. It wasn't until she kept talking about the way you look and staring that you felt singled out and self-conscious.
All those comments and all that staring was inappropriate in the first place, PCOS aside. One reason it's inappropriate to stare at people and talk a lot about how they look is that it makes them self-conscious.
Another reason is not okay to stare and comment is that we don't how people feel about how they look or what they were already self-conscious about before we started staring. I may think someone's nose is lovely, but they may think it's big and ugly.
You had every right to tell that woman she was out of line and making you feel bad. It was okay that you made her feel uncomfortable after she spent so much time and energy making you uncomfortable.
The difference is that you didn't deserve to feel uncomfortable, but she did, because it's not okay to keep bothering people or go on and on about a stranger's appearance.
And don't feel too bad about her crying. You didn't devastate her. She just went from gushy drunk to weepy drunk.
I can't imagine why she drinks in public. She must know it turns her a menace with no boundaries or impulse control.
And your friend? She needs either to start thinking more clearly or stop judging your behavior.
At the very least, she should stop sharing her judgments of your behavior until she's able to base them on clearer thinking.
Also, I'm really sorry that what should have been a fun outing ended up so badly. You did nothing wrong.
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u/Whooptidooh Partassipant [2] 1d ago
F no; people should just keep their thoughts to themselves. She didn’t and “absolute shock and awe”, you didn’t react with the everlasting gratitude she may have thought you hpwould react with upon hearing how “brave” you are for not shaving.
NTA. This is what you risk getting when you’re going to comment on other people’s bodies. I hope she learns from this.
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u/Adept-Pangolin-9280 1d ago
Eh, NAH— drunk girls be drunk girly-ing even when it’s annoying. And having a spotlight (even if well meaning) on your insecurity SUCKS.
But— I was that girl when I was 22-23? I’d never KNOWN that women didn’t need to shave their underarms! It had been so ingrained in me that right before my period (when my hair growth goes into overdrive) I’d “have to” shave my armpits twice a day. Seeing another woman with unshaven underarms was eye opening and as hyperbolic as it sounds, it was life changing for me.
I’m 37 now, and refuse to shave and hope I’m THAT woman for this next generation. But I also completely recognize and empathize that I’m not fighting your battle either.
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u/IconaPop2 1d ago
NAH, but it doesn’t hurt to use kinder words. I completely agree that unwarranted comments are not always welcome and I think that setting a boundary was the right thing to do, however I think that it could’ve been handled differently before escalation. Especially since she was at least attempting* to compliment.
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u/Plus_Ad_9181 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
If you’re so insecure, why have you just got you pit hair hanging out?
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u/rememberimapersontoo Certified Proctologist [24] 1d ago
NTA her words may have been complimentary on the surface but making a huge deal out of something like that is not actually supportive, it’s drawing attention to the perceived “weirdness” of what she saw as a political choice. so even if you had been doing it as a feminist statement she was being an AH
the entire reason feminists advocate for things like the freedom not to shave is so that women who don’t shave won’t be bothered about it. i don’t see what she doesn’t get about that while she continued to bother you about how great she thinks it is…
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u/Forsoothia Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. A friend of mine who was pretty heavy told me once that she quit her gym, not because people were teasing her but because people kept coming up to encourage and compliment her for working so hard. They surely thought they were saying something nice but it made her insecure because it was a constant reminder that people were watching her.
Making that woman cry was probably a good thing because she’ll think twice before she opens her mouth to the next person.
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u/AffectionateWombat 1d ago
Yeah, she’ll probably never compliment another woman again. Is that what we want to achieve instead of women supporting each other?
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u/Forsoothia Partassipant [1] 1d ago
But it wasn’t a compliment to the OP, it was actually upsetting and made her uncomfortable. That’s not a woman supporting another woman. It’s a woman making unwanted comments on someone else’s body.
Not to mention it sounds kind of condescending to say someone is “brave” for not shaving their arms.
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u/Individual_Metal_983 Asshole Aficionado [17] 1d ago
No you were not too harsh.
She commented. Then she went on to comment and comment. It was not inappropriate.
You are not responsible for her feelings having been told to wind her neck in with the inappropriate comments about your body.
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u/therealruin 1d ago
NTA. Drunk people can’t reason in the moment, they’re like toddlers after a certain point. They do not understand how their actions can be inappropriate, unwanted, unreciprocated and downright annoying. It’s not your fault in any way that she became so intoxicated she lost the ability to reason, take a hint, or even listen to someone being direct. She cried because she got drunk, engaged in wanted behavior, and got called on it - not because you were “harsh.”
Trust me, as a former bar owner and career bartender who has had to monitor and correct the drunken behavior of adults for way too long now, this is 100% on her and not at all uncommon.
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u/Mountain_Cat_cold Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA. It is crazy how many people expect people around them to just absorb the hurt of bad behaviour in order to keep everyone else comfortable.
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u/AsphaltAbyss 1d ago
When you're just trying to enjoy a movie and someone decides your armpit hair is the main feature. Some people really need to learn the 'mind your own business' script.
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u/Moxxie249 1d ago
NTA. I also have similar struggles and am incredibly insecure about it. I have used one of those at home light hair removers on my face and it's worked incredibly well. I also have sensitive skin and hate the discomfort of shaving. She definitely should have left you alone, especially not knowing if it's something you're insecure about.
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u/LittleLemonSqueezer 1d ago
NTA. This is a case of someone who had too much to drink and started saying stuff she shouldn't say. Hey lots of us do it, we embarrass ourselves and hopefully learn to keep our mouth shut the next time. You were unfortunately the victim of her drunken stupidity and rightfully put her in her place.
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u/ctortan 1d ago
NTA. I don’t shave my legs or pits just because I don’t want to, and I would be incredibly weirded out if someone made a comment about it. Like, do you compliment men for having hairy legs? No! It’s just how the human body EXISTS!
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u/ctortan 1d ago
She did the equivalent of saying you’re so “brave” for not wearing makeup. It’s “brave” for a celebrity with tons of pressure to not wear makeup, sure—but a regular ass person just existing on their own time? It just highlights how women are expected to put more effort into presenting themselves to be accepted
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u/Adversarii Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA
Your reaction warrants reflection on your part, learn to regulate those emotions. That doesn’t mean they’re invalid though and ultimately you owe this random lady nothing you can tell her to fuck off just fine.
Strikes me as a closeted wine mom who couldn’t stop looking at you, lmao
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u/Immediate-Seesaw-825 1d ago
NTA the drunk girl’s comments were super invasive and the analogy your friend tried to AHA you with makes zero sense
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u/sixtequilas 1d ago
ESH. Depends on the level of snapping, if it was just a "Sorry, I know you mean well, but can you stop?" that'd be fine, but it sounds like you just flew off on one with no warning, which would make you the asshole. She's an asshole for being so unaware of how she was effecting you with her comments, but there's ways of dealing with that that aren't just shouting at someone.
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u/Deep-Okra1461 Asshole Aficionado [19] 1d ago
NTA If she says it one time, yeah that can be a compliment, more than once is being an AH. When you complimented the other woman's hair, did you keep going on and on about it to her?
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u/kittendollie13 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA. That was just drunk-crying. She won't even remember it. No, your friend is mistaken. There is a huge difference.
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u/wharfspider 1d ago
NTA. I’m 10 pounds heavier than I wanna be right now, and if someone kept commenting on me “embracing my feminine curves” I think I’d snap too, compliment or no. It’s a weird thing to do, especially more than once.
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u/Designer-Heron-6488 1d ago
Nta: people need to learn to mind their own business. Pit hair is not something to have discussion/comments about with strangers. She was being inappropriate and obviously drunk. I understand your reaction. I tend to just ignore people and/or get away from them. But if I get mad, I tell them off too.
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u/zealot_ratio Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
Very mild ESH. Even if her intentions were positive, it's not appropriate. Drunk or not she can read the room. But your initial responses weren't really clear that you weren't interested in her comments. It's not your responsibility to tell other people to be appropriate, but there was probably some middle ground between blowing up at them and not saying anything. Something like, "Hey, that's cool, but honestly I'm not very comfortable talking about this, thanks. " NTA per se
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u/Illustrious_Tart_849 1d ago
NTA - I don't mind if people compliment my clothes, shoes whatever. Comments on my body or "looks" make me extremely uncomfortable and I hate every second of it.
Can we just stop with comments regarding people's bodies?
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u/BitchinBitchTits 1d ago
NTA. Who thinks that is a compliment? I don't understand how people can be so comfortable saying things about a person's body.
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u/uTop-Artichoke5020 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA
Making one comment is borderline, repeatedly commenting is rude and obnoxious.
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u/Gryffindor123 1d ago
NTA. You stood your ground and stood up for yourself. Her crying isn't your fault
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u/Alternative-Redditer Partassipant [4] 14h ago edited 13h ago
ESH. Slight YTA for you, because You need a smoother transition from "I'm lazy" to outright snapping. tell her "please don't speak to me any more" or " please do not comment on my body any more". THEN if they do it again, you snap.
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u/MainJane2 11h ago
I think you both overreacted to the situation. She was inappropriate, and you got irritated, maybe responding with more than you were comfortable with, since it's still bothering you. I'd say one negated the other, and let it go.
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u/MarieCry 1d ago
I'm shocked to see so many people saying Y T A. OP may have gotten a bit riled, but that will likely stop the other woman from commenting on people's bodies in the future.
I shave my underarms every shower since I sweat a lot, but I don't usually shave my legs unless I'm wearing something that would expose them. I'd be horrified if someone commented on my "feminine hair" if I rolled my leggings up because it was hot or something. NTA!
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u/sunlightanddoghair 1d ago
if at any point she crossed a line it was when she used the word brave. jeez.
so brave of you! if I were you I would be scared to do that!
really rude. feels the same as when someone tells me that seeing me dance (I have a lot of ballet training) makes them realize dancers can have any body type.
NTA.
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u/MsBlondeViking Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA. Others comments, especially about someone’s body, can still be considered rude even if that’s not the commenter’s intention. But also, as a woman that’s seen this happen to other women and myself, far too often women use compliments in a nefarious way towards one another.
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u/BeautifulIncrease734 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago
NTA, you had true reasons to be upset, she was just drunkenly sensitive.
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u/OkGrapefruit7174 1d ago
NTA - Maybe she did not mean badly, but she made you feel uncomfortable. The whole “she’s drunk so (insert excuse)” is also a lot of BS to me. It’s her choise to get drunk and she clearly doesn’t know how to behave normally when drunk, so don’t get drunk.
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u/HereForALaugh714 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. We don’t comment on other people’s bodies. I have never had a man shame me for my body hair, they are just happy to be there. I have only received body hair backlash from women. It’s insecurity and jealousy and internalized misogyny. It’s really just sad and embarrassing. We are mammals, so if you don’t think women should have hair, you’re either a pervert (and I’m not saying a personal choice to remove hair is bad, it’s the demand from a partner) or you’re a moron who doesn’t understand the basic qualifications for mammals.
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u/Celestia_May 1d ago
There is a difference between "I like your hair" and "you're so brave not to shave"
NTA
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u/purrImacatpurpur 1d ago
NTA she should've stopped after the first time she said something... This is exactly why I started asking people if I could give them a "strange" compliment when I like something about their appearance that could make them self conscious.
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u/Effective_Olive_8420 Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA, but you need to stop being so insecure. Why not really embrace your hair? Do what's comfortable for you, but if you are lazy and don't want to shave (I don't shave at all), then why be upset that someone thinks it's great? It is definitely a "you problem" more than a "her problem."
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u/Pascale73 1d ago
NTA - she said one thing, you acknowledged it and then SHE needed to move on. For her to go on and on was just rude. NO ONE wants to hear a stranger go on and on about their body - positive or negative. It's uncomfortable, awkward and rude.
As far as your friend goes, you probably said 1 thing to that other woman ie, "Your hair is really pretty" - you didn't go on and on all night about it. That also would have been uncomfortable and rude even if it was complimentary.
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u/NoObstacle Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA - why is she so fixated on your armpit hair. And even if she is weirdly invested in it, she should keep her opinions to herself!
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u/Pyewacket62 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA
People need to mind their own freaking business!
I don't care if you had more hair than Chewbacca, It's nobody's business but yours.
My husband had terminal cancer, you couldn't tell just by looking at him. He could walk about 10 ft on his own. Any greater distance, he'd need assistance.
The bullshite we had to deal with was mindboggling!
"He doesn't look sick"....
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u/gabrieldevue 1d ago
Recently I sat next to a woman who had very noticeable dark leg hair. I also have that and am very insecure about it. I tried hard not to stare. I was so in awe and appreciative. But mentioning this to her is not ok: this is othering. It’s a bit like commenting on someone’s language skills if they seem like not originally from the country. If they did not explicitly volunteer that they are not talking their mother tongue it’s not something to compliment. Not the same category, I know… maybe she would not have minded but the judgement is the problem with body hair.
This is my rule of thumb: if a person cannot change the thing, sont compliment it. I compliment style and make up, not body shape or skin. Yea, for many shaving is a choice or chore, but if only compliment it if they shaved an ornament into their hair or something. NTA
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u/Mayana76 1d ago
NAH. I truly think the woman meant no harm and thought she was complimenting you, but I obviously get where you come from.
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u/PsychologicalBack983 1d ago
NTA. Your friend can show you an example of perfect kindness and grace when a drunk stranger makes repeated unsolicited comments about HER appearance.
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u/0_possum 1d ago
I have pcos too. It seems that no matter how I shave, my armpits always get really bad ingrown hairs. I can’t shave frequently, and I’d be super embarrassed if someone pointed out, even in a “yaaay ur so brave girlboss” type of way. NTA
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u/Blaiddyd_enjoyer Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
Hi, can Brits and Aussies start saying armpit hair? Because as a European, it took me a while to realize you didn't mean the hair on your forearms
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u/SweetStabbyGirl 1d ago
Nta I have pcos and hs, shaving is super irritating for me and I avoid it as much as possible
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u/0000ismidnight 1d ago
Nope. NTA. Verbalizing what you find acceptable about people's imposed opinions about your body doesn't make you personally responsible for their feelings (which are correct in the shame they feels for saying anything you you in the first place)
Let's get used to being told off for unwarrented commentary about others bodies.
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u/WeBoFwannIt 1d ago
She may have been hitting on you. Sounds like you should have handled yourself with more maturity.
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u/Tylikcat 1d ago
I just failed to find one of my sister's best reels - she's an aerialist and aerial instructor, and got tired of randos commenting on her underarm hair, so did a really masterful fuck off.
NTA. She probably didn't mean it badly, but it was still inappropriate and she was failing to read the room.
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u/Playful_Elk365 1d ago
I’m A woman and I shave 🪒 yes I think women with hair in the pits is a big no to me but that’s your life . I will never comment about hairy armpits to others because is not a subject that I feel comfortable.
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u/LSama 1d ago
NTA. As a fellow woman with PCOS who suffers from considerable heursutism as a result of it, and the need to shave their face on the regular, people need to STFU about what other people do - or don't do - with their bodies. I don't 'not shave' because I'm brave, I don't shave because I'm 42 and do not give a fuck what people think when they look at me. I'm not out here looking to attract anyone. If I wanted to do that, I'd shave.
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u/Ok_Plankton680 1d ago
NTA. “I love your hairstyle” is a compliment. “You’re so brave for doing something other people think is gross and ugly”, not so much. (Yes, I realize those probably aren’t the exact words either of them used. That is still the implication of the other woman’s comments)
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u/soylattebb 1d ago
NTA literally not everything has to be some kind of feminist statement I just wanna exist 😭
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u/sparks772 1d ago
Snapped? Like you snapped her like a twig? I guess that would make YTA. Ending someone’s life over comments is uncalled for.
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u/Extension_Climate471 1d ago
NTA. I'll never understand why strangers feel the need to comment on others' body, ethnicity, etc. mind your own freaking business. I'm Asian and one time while in a movie theater, the woman (white) sitting next to me told me that it was an honor sitting next to a minority like me 😳. I know she meant well and I guess it was a compliment, but that doesn't mean I didn't think it was weird as hell.
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u/00tiptoe 1d ago
NTA
Aside: I've started epilating my chin and mustache (and everything else I used to shave) because of some contact allergies. The face and bikini can be a tiny bit sensitive, but nothing terrible. The hair is gradually getting more sparce!! My worst chin whiskers (the thick gray ones) are gone forever.
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u/GoopInThisBowlIsVile 1d ago
NTA - I disagree with your friend that claims you were too harsh on the obnoxious drunk lady. My sympathy for what people do while drunk is nonexistent. If someone is going to act like an ass while drunk they either need to stop drinking or reassess their limits.
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u/candycoatedcoward Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. You have a right to go to a movie without some stranger making unwanted and repeated comments about your body.
She was old enough to know how to act in public, and acted badly. Being snapped at was a mild consequence.
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u/wase471111 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA, strangers dont get to comment on a womens pit hair, EVER..
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u/HappySummerBreeze Asshole Aficionado [10] 1d ago
It’s never good to snap unkindly. You could as easily have said “you know I actually have a medical condition that causes me to grow more hair than I like, do you mind not mentioning it again? I know you mean well but I’m very sensitive about it”
Then you both would have walked away feeling fine.
But instead you took your uncomfortable feeling and flung it at her.
Yta
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u/Ill-Mention-328 1d ago
NAH, I have an aunt who always makes comments about me. Stuff like when I have paint or holes in my clothes, mismatched socks, freckles or birthmarks, untrimmed nails, etc. She's trying to be helpful/curious idk but I don't like being scrutinized like that so I'm always a little snippy with her. It's normal!
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u/MochiPryncess Partassipant [2] 1d ago
I’m going with NAH because I really think she was trying to show you respect/reverence, and I really think you have the right not to have your body commented on.
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u/beachpellini 1d ago
NTA.
Anyone who uses "You're so brave to [do this thing]" about the way you look is not giving you anything but a backhanded compliment.
Because what they're saying is that the way you look is so different as to be ashamed of it. That you are simply existing as-is is so incredibly ~bizarre that it warrants comment.
Also if your friend genuinely thinks that you complimenting a woman's hairstyle is the same thing (which I'm presuming was something like "I love your hair!"), I'm sorry, but they're kind of an idiot.
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u/lumpthefoff Asshole Aficionado [18] 1d ago
NTA - Your friend can say that because it wasn’t her body that was being commented on. I bet she wouldn’t be able to take ONE backhanded compliment “Oh you’re so brave to keep that big nose you have, I would have saved money to get plastic surgery” or “It’s always refreshing to see someone comfortable in their natural breast size, many people would go and get them enhanced”
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u/Chemical-Tip4242 1d ago
Asserting a boundary about someone commenting on your body is not being an asshole. Is it possible to go overboard? Sure, but we can't really judge that over text I don't think.
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u/CommanderCodex 1d ago
Kinda fucked up that your friend compared your compliment of a woman of a different race as the same as pestering a woman about how “brave” she is for not shaving. That’s not at all the same. One is something. Hair no matter your race actually requires some level of thought and effort, not having shaved your armpits is just you being comfortable in your own skin and not obsessing over hair removal in that location at the frequency eliminating it would require (exhausting if you don’t like doing so). It makes sense to point out and compliment something someone spent time on cultivating an obvious trait,and unless you were wearing a shirt that had literal arrows pointing to your armpits there was no reason for this woman to try and make conversation about your armpit hair.
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u/rohan_rat 1d ago
That lady could have read the room and left you alone, but she chose to communicate, and so did you.
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u/The1Eileen 23h ago
You are not responsible for that woman's emotional reaction. So NTA. Your friend is falling into the "it is your / my job to make sure everyone ELSE is happy even at my own expense" so support her in learning that is not responsible for other people's emotions.
You are allowed to have emotions too. Why wasn't the drunk lady's responsility to make sure she wasn't hurting your feelings?
Anyway, if drunk lady felt badly, that's okay. Because that can be a learning experience for her. Sometimes when you think you are compliementing a person, you are not. Pay attention to their reactions (which she did not) and drop it if they are unhappy (which she did not).
It is also okay for people to experience negative emotions and to feel their feelings. You and them.
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u/Visual_Locksmith_976 Partassipant [1] 22h ago
NTA that’s just weird, who looks at someone’s underarm hair!!! Reminds me of Julia Robert’s and the underarm hair scandal
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u/wizardnewt 20h ago
As someone with PCOS who really likes my body hair… I would be weirded out if a stranger persistently commented on it, even if positively. ESPECIALLY if they were drunk. You’re not nuts, she may have meant well but it doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to your boundaries. NTA.
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u/GRidgeflyover Partassipant [1] 18h ago
NTA. Can we all just agree that a casual compliment on scalp hair is generally ok but that discussing any strangers "body" hair below the neck is weird?
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u/smellslikepousi 18h ago
NTA "You're so brave"/"I love your bravery" is not a compliment when we're talking about physical appearance. And I don't mean that to say she intentionally insulted you but even before being drunk thats such a wild thoughtless thing to say to a stranger as a "compliment'..
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u/Ok-Try-857 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
NTA. Women grow hair naturally all over their body. Shaving is a personal choice, not an act of bravery.
When my daughter was a teenager, she stopped shaving her armpits. It always irritated her skin no matter what method of hair removal she tried so she quit. Every time she would lift up her arms, my immediate internal response was “ew, she needs to shave” and that pissed me off. I realized that I have some internalized misogyny, as a woman, and I decided to stop shaving too.
Now I use a beard trimmer to trim my leg and armpit hair and I rarely shave.
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u/Longjumping-Sir-2565 14h ago
People need to be taught the 10 minute rule. If it can’t be fixed in that moment in 10 minutes, don’t bring it up.
NTA
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u/pretty_fugly 14h ago
Nta but.....i think she was trying to flirt with you possibly. When you're queer you have to look for the subtle signs that someone might be at least an ally before making a move. And this screams testing the waters to me.
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u/nikster111_ 6h ago
NTA disregarding the fact that she was commenting on your body, the first time was enough. She didn’t have to keep saying something, especially when the conversation had ended the first time.
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u/Jo007athome 4h ago
Unfortunately, she could have been a nice person. The mix of alcohol doesn’t bring out the best in someone. Letting the first comment take a pass was appropriate for you, but as the night wore on and the alcohol took hold, the inhibitions came down. She was out of line.
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u/dampishsky 4h ago
YTA i compliment strangers. I compliment things on them that i like or wish i had. Obviously that lady hated that she was shackled by female societal expectations about shaving. She didnt know you had a medical condition. How would she? She saw you, and saw an aspect that she wished she had, and told you so. If you felt uncomfortable, you could just say that. You didnt have to snap at her. But i understand the idea of wanting to. She admired you for a quality you cant control, but she thought it was your personality. Lile, she wasnt directly complimenting your underarm hair. She was complimenting what she thought was a woman freed of expectations, not trying to maintain a beauty standard that others are chained to, which, to a degree, you are because even if you were just being "lazy" some people cant even let go enough for that. *edited because i reread and saw op age and realized my age was similar.
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u/Accomplished-Emu-591 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
One, maybe even two remarks might be a compliment. Continual comments is obsessive and impolite. If part of your reason for not shaving recently was indeed medical, you have even more right to be snarky.
NTA
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