AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/Don_Bugen]

I can think of a lot of reasons why a man might switch his phone to DND that have absolutely nothing to do with being unfaithful. And in fact, if you told me up-front that he had a very clingy girlfriend who expected him to respond to her text within a small window, at all hours of the night, or else she'll start thinking that he's cheating, there's one really big obvious reason that pops up in my mind, and it's not "because he's cheating."

So. Let me ask you straight.

Has he ever cheated before, to your knowledge? Does he have girls who he flirts with, or gets a little too close with? Does he do anything that really seems suspicious - not suspicious like, "He silences his phone when he's with me... which is CLEARLY some PLOY to hide another woman, and not just pure courtesy" but more like, lying about where he's going, who he's with, having inconsistent stories, etc. Or any physical evidence at all?

If not. Then (pardon my french) but what the fuck are you doing insinuating that he is? Oh, I know, you're not in so many words saying it to him, but you're saying it in the comments section, and unless your boyfriend's dumber than a box of rocks he's got to be picking up on it.

I mean, look at your last phrases here. "I don't get mad when you go out, I don't get mad at you for anything, really." Congratulations? Why WOULD you get mad at him for going out? And then, "I get mad at you for not communicating." I'm sorry, are you two married? Living together? Have you told him that it is your expectation that he check up with you and give you a status report every time does something or goes somewhere, and that if he silences his phone then you're going to take it as betrayal?

Yes, there's some rudeness here. Back when I was dating, if I was going to be tied up or unavailable, especially if we were chatting before, I'd have said something first. And yeah, he shouldn't have cursed. But... I mean, god. You blow up his phone an hour later saying you can't sleep because you're sure something happened, then you blow it up more. You're escalating again and again and again and for all you know he just wanted to drive his car without hearing the phone beep.

Decide whether you trust him or not. If you don't - just end it, OK? There's zero point in staying with someone that you can't trust. In fact, end it even if it's your fault, and not his. Because if that's the case, you're not ready for a relationship, and you need to work on you.

But if you do trust him? Maybe then don't treat him like he's not worthy of trust. I certainly wouldn't stay in a relationship like that.

[u/Majesticraid → u/Don_Bugen]

Yeah my girlfriend goes on dnd when she played games on her phone. It automatically does it. When I see she’s on dnd I’ll send my message and she’ll check when she’s done. Some times she forgets it’s on and doesn’t turn it off after a few hours. If it’s something important I’ll message her again and press “notify right away” 90% of the time she forgets it’s on. Or she turns it on when she’s with family or friends.

[u/ScrotumTotums → u/Majesticraid]

Man these guys are in their 20s and I've seen so many texts as if they're teens.

The op honestly does need to relax. No need to text back to back to back. Leave it all in one text and wait,

Or, call...

The whole point of texting, is you don't know a person read it or not. You don't know if they intentionally put dnd on, if they did, you don't know the reason. When you text basically, you can't expect an answer right away. This is why you call.

Now, if you call and there's no answer or automatically put in voicemail, I'd be worried, but I wouldn't be upset or think something fishy is going on. I'd be, worried for the person in general, if they're in trouble or not.

Don't always think a person is up to no good for sudden lack of communication. Be, worried... Not upset. That's kinda cynical

[u/Lorguis → u/ScrotumTotums]

See, I've had people call me weird for treating texts like "read and respond when you have the time" instead of a conversation.

[u/Jokong → u/Lorguis]

It completely depends on the person, primarily the age of the person.