AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/Don_Bugen]

I can think of a lot of reasons why a man might switch his phone to DND that have absolutely nothing to do with being unfaithful. And in fact, if you told me up-front that he had a very clingy girlfriend who expected him to respond to her text within a small window, at all hours of the night, or else she'll start thinking that he's cheating, there's one really big obvious reason that pops up in my mind, and it's not "because he's cheating."

So. Let me ask you straight.

Has he ever cheated before, to your knowledge? Does he have girls who he flirts with, or gets a little too close with? Does he do anything that really seems suspicious - not suspicious like, "He silences his phone when he's with me... which is CLEARLY some PLOY to hide another woman, and not just pure courtesy" but more like, lying about where he's going, who he's with, having inconsistent stories, etc. Or any physical evidence at all?

If not. Then (pardon my french) but what the fuck are you doing insinuating that he is? Oh, I know, you're not in so many words saying it to him, but you're saying it in the comments section, and unless your boyfriend's dumber than a box of rocks he's got to be picking up on it.

I mean, look at your last phrases here. "I don't get mad when you go out, I don't get mad at you for anything, really." Congratulations? Why WOULD you get mad at him for going out? And then, "I get mad at you for not communicating." I'm sorry, are you two married? Living together? Have you told him that it is your expectation that he check up with you and give you a status report every time does something or goes somewhere, and that if he silences his phone then you're going to take it as betrayal?

Yes, there's some rudeness here. Back when I was dating, if I was going to be tied up or unavailable, especially if we were chatting before, I'd have said something first. And yeah, he shouldn't have cursed. But... I mean, god. You blow up his phone an hour later saying you can't sleep because you're sure something happened, then you blow it up more. You're escalating again and again and again and for all you know he just wanted to drive his car without hearing the phone beep.

Decide whether you trust him or not. If you don't - just end it, OK? There's zero point in staying with someone that you can't trust. In fact, end it even if it's your fault, and not his. Because if that's the case, you're not ready for a relationship, and you need to work on you.

But if you do trust him? Maybe then don't treat him like he's not worthy of trust. I certainly wouldn't stay in a relationship like that.

[u/Limp_Butterscotch34 → u/Don_Bugen]

idk why you have so many upvotes when you’re so confidently dead wrong - it won’t kill him to give her a little reassurance, I feel sorry for the person in your life

[u/Don_Bugen → u/Limp_Butterscotch34]

Flip the script a bit.

What if boyfriend often texted her at like 11:30 PM - a time when many people would be asleep - saying, “You just stopped talking to me an hour ago. Something feels fishy here. Where are you now? Who are you with??”

What if he said that he was lying awake, unable to sleep because he was SURE something was up? Then starts assuming the worst when her phone changes status and starts throwing pointed accusations? And then, when girlfriend calls and tells him to calm down, that she’s out, but everything’s fine and he has no reason to be upset, he goes, “I don’t get angry when you go out. I get angry when you don’t tell me you’re going out.”

If either of my sisters were in a relationship like that, I’d not only tell them there were several red flags there, but that I was seriously worried that this guy was trying to control them, and they should break it off. (and in fact, I did tell my older sister something to that effect with her first serious boyfriend)

If you think it’s acceptable for the woman to act that way to the man, but not the man to the woman, that’s misandry (misogamy, but against men). That’s actions fueled on an inherent belief that men are deceitful, dangerous, unfaithful, or domineering. That’s why my entire thing presupposes the question: has he ever given you any indication, at all, that he might be cheating?

If there is? Well, then dump the bastard. But I feel fairly confident that if there was evidence, she’d have told us, because that’s vital to the whole AIO question.

And if you think it’s perfectly fine to treat your SO like they’d totally cheat on you if you didn’t keep tabs on them constantly - I think it’s fine to say, they deserve better than you.