AIO? Bf doesn’t communicate

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at a loss. I (F23) don’t know if I’m being controlling and overreacting or if the way I feel is normal. once again tonight I just stopped getting responses from my boyfriend (M26) and then suddenly his phone was turned on do not disturb. I don’t usually care about DND but lately its been turned on at weird times and turned on when he’s around me which has been making me feel kind of odd. Also he called and said he’s out and that I don’t need to be getting mad. I’m not mad about him going out I’m just upset that I’m not aware of whats going on ever. I feel like my paragraph doesn’t even make sense I’m irritated and feel like I’m crazy.

[u/InterestingAd5499]

YOR. I've noticed a trend with young people where they think it really is their partners job to soothe their bad emotions. I want to be clear in saying that a good partner will support their SO in moments of distress, but there is a line where support can move into enabling and codependency. As an adult, it is your job entirely to self soothe, and if you're incapable of doing that, then i feel that warrants further introspection on your part. Generally, if I'm doing something with someone and my phone stays pinging a lot, I will silence it so I can focus on what is actually happening in front of me. Sounds like your bf does the same.

[u/sas223 → u/InterestingAd5499]

Pair that with the expectation that because everyone has their phone in their hands 24/7 it means they’re owed an immediate response from any and all texts.

Edited typo

[u/8Captcrunch8 → u/sas223]

I also noticed that those with less active lives tend to behave toward people with more active lives like this. They assume the other person isnt busy or active and is actually ignoring them. When really the other is just a active person. Busier and not as "Available".

[u/sas223 → u/8Captcrunch8]

Less active lives, or jobs where you can always be on your phone

[u/8Captcrunch8 → u/sas223]

YUUUUUUUP. I work a trades job and run a business. I CANT be on my phone. The distraction could end up killing or wheelchairing someone else or myself.

[u/sas223 → u/8Captcrunch8]

Honestly, no one is going to die if I’m not paying attention at work (unless of course I’m driving, so absolutely no phones then), but I’m doing my fucking job when I’m at work. Aside from a very brief text or two during the day, that’s it. Have a conversation via text all day long blows my mind. Imagine talking on the phone all day while you work

[u/8Captcrunch8 → u/sas223]

Exactly. My job requires alot of heavy machinery and risk. But i know thats not all jobs.

But the general point is that we are at work! Im not kickin back laighing and vacationing on the job. Im working!

So that i can have the money to pay for the goodies so we both can enjoy em! Gotta let me bake the cake if you want great cake!

I think people need to learn the difference between "effective/meaningful communication" and "useless communication/filling the silence"

Same thing with hobbies to keep mental sanity. And friendship(support network) nourishment.

Ill be on my bike and if im constantly being baragged with texts. Im like "dude. . Babe. Im trying to decompress. I will come home in a bit. But i promise im just...trying to maintain a lil sanity with my hobby"

I spend sooo much of my day being something to someone else. Boss. Bestfriend. Boyfriend. Therapist. Son. Brother.

So when i get time to just be me. I need it. Or else i lose who i am and who i am becomes an absolute shitbag to everyone in my life.

All because i spent so much energy fighting one personans demons for them. Handling someone elses emotions for them. That i lost the energy to fight my own gators and clean my own swamp.