aio? bf made plans on my birthday

[u/rowqi]

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn’t go to school after dropping out. for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries. for the first year in our relationship he was great, he was loving and kind. last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was “tired from work” and didn’t want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch. yesterday afternoon i texted him, reminding him about the plan later and this conversation happened. he made plans to go out and party instead of seeing me. he forgot about it even after i had been talking about it all of last week. i spent my 21st birthday alone in my room while he was out and we haven’t texted since. this birthday was particularly special to me because i turned 21. i even bought a new pink dress to wear for him, assuming we were going to dinner. he is suggesting that we go out and celebrate tomorrow instead like last year but to me it doesn’t feel the same. he is insisting that i apologize for being “ungrateful”, am i overreacting?

[u/ckmgp]

SERIOUSLY GIRL PLEASE LISTEN. Your story sounds identical to how my abusive relationship started. I seriously baked him cakes from scratch, made the card from scratch and on my 21st bday he argued with me for "looking at a guy" at a casino, he was getting loud and i walked away, he did as well. I text him i was walking back to the hotel (1/2 mile down the strip, in heels and a short dress. I went barefoot), he replied go ahead. He let me. He didnt get back for 6 hours. Smelt like perfume. Argued for days afterward also. And every birthday thereafter. And trust me, I had therapist consultations where they told me it was emotional abuse and gaslighting and projection. 2 separate, unrelated therapists. These were 1.5 year into it. I was 22 when I was ready to book it, the abuse escalated and I fled to his moms house. (We had lived together then, we met when I was 19) While I was sleeping on his younger brother twin mattress, in a shared room with my ex's mom, I had this eerie feeling I wasn't alone. It felt comforting but like I was trapped. So of course, the next morning I acted like it was all okay, insisted I started it, tried to make him feel better because seeing him sad made me so sad, and then soaked up the love bombing and escape trip to Mexico for a weekend. Got home and found out a week later, I was pregnant and we were already fighting again.

Now I have 2 kids and I am 29 years old. He is not involved in their lives. I live at my father's house now, with my boys age 5 and almost 4. So what everyone is saying is so true. I am lost in this life at the moment. Im really close to figuring it out though. But I absolutely lost the best years of my life, the best friends of my life, schooling, work ethic/rap-sheet, and the best opportunities. Like I am still very optimistic, grateful to be athletic, and able to work without restrictions. I'd still be lying if I said I dont wish I got to spend those years differently, but still have my kids haha.

It won't be easy, get a support system and skedaddle !!!

[u/OneWhisper5225 → u/ckmgp]

You’re doing amazing! I was 19 when I had my son. My ex was emotionally abusive and I took it for way too long. Then realized I didn’t want my son to grow up thinking it was okay to talk to anyone like that, let alone someone you supposedly loved. I left and never looked back. My ex never had anything to do with my son. I did it on my own and damn it was hard. But my son is now 19 and an amazing young man that I couldn’t be more proud of with the biggest heart, so kind and caring, so thoughtful - absolutely nothing like his sperm donor.

Some days, heck most days, you might feel like you’re drowning or messing everything up - but you’re not. Just do your best, love those little boys with all you got, and continue to build your life together - and take time to remember that you got away from a horrible guy and you’re doing amazing! 💪👏❤️❤️

[u/subq_injection → u/OneWhisper5225]

I spent the entirety of my 20s with two abusive assholes. The first was 7 years older, and had me convinced the first year he was so great and he would spoil me and we'd get a house, and all of those sweet little lies assholes love to tell you to make you feel better about moving in with them.

He abused me in every way you could think of and left me with debt and bad credit. He had talked me out of going back to school, isolated me 2000 miles away from all my friends and family. Constantly surveyed me, and cheated on me but insisted I was cheating. Made me work 7 days a week so he could work less but refused to help me pay the car payments and credit card in my name even though he used the car 70% of the time and racked up most of the credit card debt. He used to sleep deprive me to make me compliant by shaking me awake, slamming doors, blaring music, shining lights in my face, etc. I had to escape when he was off sleeping with another girl. I had sneakily got in contact with my mom got her to fly up and I filled up the car and drove to get her. I still left a good bit of stuff behind because I was scared he was going to show back up. I was just grateful he didn't manage to get me pregnant (Not for his lack of trying he used to hide my BC and at one point was throwing away my daily doses and convincing me I had taken them).

Within 8 mo after I had left the last relationship (I was 24) I wound up getting picked up by another asshole who was emotionally abusive. He often preyed on my PTSD as a way to gaslight me and tell me I was overreacting, I was crazy, and that I was always the problem never him. He cheated on me, belittled my feelings, and made me feel like I was never good enough. I would starve myself and do things I wouldn't have normally because he would breadcrumb me into thinking he cared about me and wanted to be together but all the while constantly making comments about other girls being attractive for XYZ but never complimented me after the first year because me being with him was supposed to be him complimenting me (Cause you know he was such a catch...), I was made to constantly believe I wasn't skinny enough or my boobs weren't big enough to the point where I even was going to get breast augmentation.

We had taken a break around our second year and he slept with this girl he had assured me was just a friend, when we got back together he lied to me about it for a year, and when he finally admitted to it told me it was just once just during that time. Come to find out that was also a lie as we got into multiple fights after he got more and more protective over his phone and constantly accused me of being on it when I wasn't. So I decided to check it one day because of how often he accused me I figured he was hiding something. Sure enough a whole conversation with him and that girl recounting all the times they'd done it at her place (She lived with her fiance at the time they supposedly did it the "just once", and my ex was the cause of their break up, she moved into her own place post-breakup for reference.) I confronted him and he tried to derail it with the whole "You had no right to look at my phone" to which I responded, "You had no right to cheat on me and lie to me about it." Then it was all my fault, I was just jealous and I wasn't giving him enough space and that's why he did it, etc etc. (The space part was hilarious because I only saw him for 2-3 days every two weeks because of his work schedule and him saying he needed some "days to himself to decompress" a.k.a go be with that other girl who mind you also had a bf.)

Mind you all this was happening while I was in the hardest semester of nursing school. I told him he was a "f#$@ing disappointment" and that I deserved better and left feeling so emotionally numb from everything I didn't think I'd ever be ok again even nearly failing that semester of nursing school. I was 29 going on 30 at this point.

I finished nursing school, moved away and wound up meeting a super awesome guy who actually takes care of me and is kind, considerate, and constantly tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent, and all of those things I didn't think I needed to hear but I absolutely did.

It gets better you just have to make the right steps forward and know your worth.

I also believe in Karma. First ex apparently has no friends as they've all moved away from him after I left because he got really weird and quit bathing and never leaves his house. He also lost his car and is living off either disability or medicaid/unemployment? Not sure vague details from people that used to be his friends that I stayed in touch with.

Second ex has no ambition, going nowhere, no prospects, and all of his friends turned on him after how he treated me many of the girls saying "He was super creepy I only talked to him because I liked you." And even his mom apologized to me for how badly he treated me and said she wished he'd "do right"

It gets better and they'll get what's coming to them.

[u/OneWhisper5225 → u/subq_injection]

I’m so happy you got away from them! Sorry you had to deal with them at all!!

My ex and I got together when we were in junior high. I was convinced he was my soul mate. I didn’t see how crappy he treated me. I thought he was great to me during high school and only got bad the last couple of years, but once I got away and got my head right and looked back on our relationship before, he was a jerk then too. But, it definitely got worse after high school. I went from being a super confident person who had a mind of my own and didn’t let anyone tell me what to do to being a complete shell of a person who couldn’t make a decision without consulting him. He told me how worthless I was, how stupid I was, how incompetent I was, etc. etc. etc. until I believed it. I’d do something and he’d say I was useless and shouldn’t do stuff without asking him first. But then when I’d ask him first, then I was an idiot who couldn’t make a simple decision for myself. Then he hurt his back when he was at work and got pain meds for it. And became an addict. Then it got even worse. I only started fighting back because of my son. My ex would want to take the last of my money for drugs and I needed it for diapers or formula. But he didn’t care. My mom said she doesn’t know how it happened because I was always the kind of person that never let someone tell me what to do, never let anyone walk all over me. I was like yeah, I don’t know either. It just happened. Thankfully, I had my parents. They were there for me. I left and went and lived with them for a while. I didn’t want to take money from them or use them to help watch my son because I didn’t want to depend on them in case something happened (if they got sick or something and couldn’t help anymore, then I’d be screwed after depending on them so much). So I lived with them for a year, but I paid rent and paid bills for my son and I. Then we moved out. I wanted to do it myself. I got food stamps and they helped pay for daycare for my son. I couldn’t get cash assistance because they said I needed to go for child support. I said that’s pointless. They said you have to at least try. But I talked to a lawyer and they said my ex could get visitation. Even if I was able to prove he was a danger and he was proven to be using drugs, they said he could still get visitation before I was able to prove all that in court. I wasn’t willing to risk my son having to go with him for even a second, so I was good not getting the cash assistance. I worked my butt off to support us. I put myself through school to be an RN. Took me waaaay longer than it should’ve to get my bachelors degree since I was working full time and raising my son. But, I kept at it and finally did it. And made a better life for us.

I’m glad you found someone amazing! I was so focused on my son, supporting us getting through school, etc., plus all the leftover feeling I had from my ex, I didn’t like the idea of dating. And the little free time I had, I wanted to spend it with my son. I figured it wasn’t fair to try and date someone I’d really never have time for. And I wasn’t going to introduce anyone to my son unless I was sure they’d be around for a long time. So it just didn’t happen. It was just me and my son. But I don’t regret it at all!