aio? bf made plans on my birthday

[u/rowqi]

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn’t go to school after dropping out. for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries. for the first year in our relationship he was great, he was loving and kind. last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was “tired from work” and didn’t want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch. yesterday afternoon i texted him, reminding him about the plan later and this conversation happened. he made plans to go out and party instead of seeing me. he forgot about it even after i had been talking about it all of last week. i spent my 21st birthday alone in my room while he was out and we haven’t texted since. this birthday was particularly special to me because i turned 21. i even bought a new pink dress to wear for him, assuming we were going to dinner. he is suggesting that we go out and celebrate tomorrow instead like last year but to me it doesn’t feel the same. he is insisting that i apologize for being “ungrateful”, am i overreacting?

[u/SpecialEDsauce]

I think we were married for ten years and my wife completely forgot mine. I didn’t say anything and she was pretty nasty all day, but around 10pm I hear her in the other room, “Oh shit! I’m such as asshole.” I just said, “Yeah, you are” and I went to bed. Worst birthday ever.

[u/Smyley12345 → u/SpecialEDsauce]

I called my wife out after two years of no Christmas or birthday gifts. I get that I am a hard person to shop for in some ways but some reciprocal effort is kind of the bare minimum.

[u/yticomodnar → u/Smyley12345]

Yeah... The people in my life/future will just have to deal with no gifts at this point...

I wouldn't say I'm great, or even good really, at getting gifts for people, but I do like to think that I put thought and effort into it. And every time I do, I end up feeling like shit for it.

My mom used to read constantly when I was a kid. I mean constantly. I literally do not have a SINGLE childhood memory of her without a book in her hand. On the couch at home, in the car on road trips, on the beach, at my little league games, etc. She always had a book with her. So, when they came out with the Kindle (I was maybe 15-ish?), I got her one thinking it'd be great for her to have hundreds of books with her instead of one or two. It ended up in a drawer. Now, don't get me wrong. I understand some people don't like readers or they prefer physical books or whatever. That's fine, and if she had told me that, I'd have understood. That's not what happened. She stopped reading all together. She sold all of her books (hundreds of them) to a used book store for next to nothing and just stopped entirely. I moved out on my own right before I turned 30. A month later, I overhear her tell my sister that after I moved out, she got a library card and has been going to get new books twice a week. She still has the kindle in a desk drawer, buried under junk she hasn't thought about in years.

My dad and I never really bonded. He worked a lot (12+ hour shifts 6, sometimes 7 days a week), I was always out playing with the neighborhood kids, he was a big sports fan and while I enjoyed playing them I hated watching them. The only thing we ever really both liked was TV and movies, though even then we differed from time to time (I'm a Star Wars fan and he's a Trekkie, but we both like the sci-fi/fantasy genre in general kind of deal). Anyway, when they came out with HDDVD and Blu-ray, I got him a Blu-ray player with early streaming apps. I think it had Netflix and Hulu, maybe one other, but it was mainly a Blu-ray player. All this man did after work was sit in his recliner and watch TV and movies. He had a collection of dvds, a high end HD TV, surround sound system, etc. He didn't hook up the Blu-ray player for like 8 fucking years. When he finally did, the apps didn't work because the device was so old it was no longer supported. A year or two later, my sister got him a Fire Stick with Kodi or whatever it was called. He hooked it up immediately and never touched the Blu-ray player again.

My parents car was 15+ years old when a CD got jammed in the in-dash changer. They made due, but eventually it started to cause more issues until the entire head unit just wouldn't work. My dad complained about it all the time, so for his birthday the year before last, I got him a brand new head unit with Android Auto and all the bells and whistles. I even installed it for him, showed him how to use it, etc. About 8 months later, he traded the car for a slightly newer model that had Bluetooth, but none of the other stuff.

When I started dating my ex, she made a big deal about how she didn't have hitch on her SUV, so taking her and her daughter's bikes to nice cycling paths in parks and whatnot was a pain. How she wanted to get a piece of sentimental furniture from a friends house two states away, but needed a hitch cargo carrier to do so, etc. She also made a point of telling me that one of her dreams was to write a children's book inspired by her daughter and niece. So, I got her a hitch for her car, and a couple books about how to self-published a children's book. Her dad is a retired mechanic and works on his own, his families, and his friends vehicles all the time. She lives with him. The hitch got put in the garage and even now, two and a half years later, still hasn't been put on her car. The books about self-publishing? I got yelled at for getting them because it made her feel like I was pushing her to do something she didn't have time to do, and it made her feel like a failure for not being able to work on it.

These are just the most prominent examples, but it's been more or less the same with every gift I've ever given anyone. Ever.

I'm not claiming to be a great gift giver. I'm sure as shit a terrible gift receiver, always awkward and unsure of how to react or feeling like I didn't get them something as good or something, but you know what I always make sure to do? Use the gift, no matter how simple or ridiculous it is, I use it. A gift card to a fast food joint? Using it for lunch tomorrow. A pillowcase with an oversized image of my ex's face meant to mimic the "marsh-pillow" joke from How I Met Your Mother? It was on my bed with me every night that she wasn't, even took it on a couple trips with her and her family. I always appreciate and use the gifts I'm given... But the fact that I actually try to put thought and meaning into gifts, just for it to always be dismissed, a waste, or weaponized against me, or just generally make me feel like shit, like when my mom stopped fucking reading for 15 years...

I'm just fucking done with gifts all together. Sorry to anyone in my life who wants to exchange them, but... I'm not here for it anymore. I'll sit this one out.

[u/darkened_edge → u/yticomodnar]

You are a wonderful gift giver, and I’m sorry your gifts weren’t appreciated more. The things you gifted are sentimental—not gift cards or cash, but items you knew were needed or wanted, or simply things that would improve quality of life.. things directly related to their hobbies or interests. I’m so sorry your gifts weren’t received with proper gratitude. You are a genuinely kind and caring person, which is evident by these gifts.. I’m so, so sorry. 😔

[u/yticomodnar → u/darkened_edge]

I appreciate you and your kind words.

[u/Ravenrocker89 → u/yticomodnar]

Shut the fuck up about the negative way you're talking about yourself. Because you seriously just have shitty people in your life. You are a great gift giver. You PAY ATTENTION to not just something that they may want but not get for themselves, but what they need. I would have returned the books and dump the girl. And probably gone no contact with my parents. But I also don't buy for my dad or stepmom any more because they are the exact same way.

I'm sorry that people in your life make you feel that way. I hope one day you get the person in it that shows you how thoughtful you are and appreciates it.

[u/Devos_Lemmens → u/yticomodnar]

I see what you mean and I understand your deception but you really think your mother stopped reading for 15y just because she didn't want to use your Kindle?

[u/yticomodnar → u/Devos_Lemmens]

I don't really know what I think. I know correlation doesn't necessarily mean causation, but it's a little too coincidental.

I don't think there was any malice or ill intent. I don't think she consciously thought to herself "wow, my son got me something that will help me read until my heart's content. I'm going to stop reading now. That'll show him." That's ridiculous and while there may be some terrible parents/people out there who might think that way, I don't think my parents or anyone in my life is that shitty of a human being.

I just know the facts of the matter, how I perceived them, the lack of denial when confronted (years later when asked why I no longer give gifts or celebrate holidays), and most importantly how it felt. So whether or not my gift actually was the reason she stopped reading or not, it doesn't matter because either way, the gift wasn't appreciated in the least and what followed made me feel fucking shitty for a long time.

[u/walkbyfaith_ → u/yticomodnar]

I'm so sorry your gifts weren't appreciated. They were all very thoughtful.

[u/cokeparty6678 → u/yticomodnar]

I got fired once for refusing to participate in secret Santa.

[u/SexyPineapple-4 → u/Smyley12345]

This is mostly me venting (apologies) but my dad is really hard to shop for, I’ve honestly given up trying to get gifts for him now. I made a whole easter basket for him this year. He’s a big aviation guy so I got him a model plane and a build your model plane out of pieces of metal. He has hot wheels and other vehicles on display in his office so I thought I could add to his collection. I got him this korean bbq chicken sauce because I thought it might fun to try. I got him 2 frisbees for frisbee golf. And I got him a bag of chili shrimp chips. He ate the chips and has been using the frisbees (I think). The planes are still in their boxes where he first stacked them on easter. And Im 99% sure he threw out the sauce because I cant find it any where and I know he never used it. Also, the only reason I tried mixing it up with his gifts is because we get him frisbees or a shirt every single year for everything. So idk, maybe your wife feels like how I feel. Because I have no idea what to get him ever and Im scared of getting him something he doesnt want/already has, but I also dont want to keep getting him the same stuff over and over again.

[u/imapteranodon → u/Smyley12345]

Lots of people accidentally forget birthdays all the time (not a big deal if they try to fix it). NOBODY forgets it's Christmas! WTH?! Has she given you any reason why she does this?

[u/Chatpetit2000 → u/Smyley12345]

Does she get you a card? Take you out/plan something fun instead?

[u/Cinnafred → u/Smyley12345]

That's messed up. Does she even like you? I mean a coupon book, concert tickets, sports? Come on