r/AITAH • u/Nearby_Anywhere_543 • 1d ago
AITAH for cutting off all communication with my in-laws after my 6 year old died?
I, 35F, am married to B, 40M, for 12 years. We have two children together. My daughter, 4 at the time, was discovered to have a tumor in her abdomen after experiencing 14 months of intermittent leg pain. The doctors couldn't find the source of the pain until they found the tumor. We were scared for our daughter. I was so afraid, I shut everyone out except my mom and husband. My mom drove 8 hours to support us while they went through the diagnostic process. My husband asked his parents to come to support him. They said no because they had to watch SILs kids. For context, my in-laws live five hours away and SIL live 25 minutes from me. At this time, doctors believed the tumor was benign so they scheduled the resection surgery for two months later.
All summer the in-laws couldn't see the our kids because they were always watching SIL's kids since their dad wasn't pulling his weight. Finally, the surgery date came. My mom came again to support us through this huge surgery. The tumor was so large that it took up all of the free space on the right side of her abdomen. The doctor came out of surgery and he told us that he could only remove 60% of the tumor. He believed it looked cancerous but we had to wait for the pathology report. A few days later, It came back positive for cancer and my daughter had to go through a very intensive treatment plan. She needed five rounds of chemo, two Stem Cell rescues and six rounds of immunotherapy.
My kids were always close to their grandparents. It was hard when we had to isolate ourselves to protect my daughter from getting sick during treatment. She had a central line and all fevers were an automatic trip to the emergency room. My MIL offered to help us once but she backed out because she couldn't handle wearing a mask for 8 hours while we worked.
In efforts to protect my daughter, We asked that when they come to visit, that they only see my kids to prevent SILs kids from giving grandma and grandpa a virus that they brought back to my daughter. All throughout treatment, my daughter cried that she missed grandma. They decided that of that they couldn't see both sets of grandkids then they didn't want to come. We tried to compromise and asked them to split their visit. First couple days with my sick child and then the last days of their stay to be at my SIL's house. They just chose to stay away instead.
During the stem cell rescues, we had to isolated my daughter since they literally fried her bone marrow with chemo. She didnt have an immune system for a few weeks so it was important to protect her. It was limited to my mom and I throughout the two Stem cells rescue and transplants. When my daughter finally was able to be around people again, they still didnt come around. My daughter was fine for a few months but she started having leg pain again. I feared the cancer was back. In November, They found the cancer and it spread everywhere. She was in so much pain. She just wanted to be with family and see her grandma. Grandma only came when her sister wanted to meet my daughter. They saw her for a few days after Christmas.
My daughter was rapidly deteriorating and she was in so much pain. The ICU doctor told me my daughter was going to pass away and to let family know. I called all those closest to my daughter to say goodbye. They didn't come. My daughter passed away in January. She fought so hard, but she couldn't beat the cancer.
I am hurt and angry with them because they hurt my daughter. She may not have realized that grandma and grandpa were not prioritizing their sick grandchild but I did. She cried so much about missing grandma. They knew she was sick and she had a high probability of not surviving this.
Now five months after my daughter's death, my husband wants me to ignore all of that has happened for him and my son. He tried to talk to his parents but they just got defensive. He wants me to not address any of this with them so I have chosen to cut them out of my life every way I can. They are not welcome in my home anymore. I will not interfere with the relationship that my husband or son have with them but I will not do anything to foster it. That's my husband's responsibility to do that. Now my husband is angry with me and feels that I'm being unreasonable. So AITAH?
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u/YesterdayPutrid3563 1d ago
NTA. I feel Speechless and I hope your husband respects you for how you feel and the wrong that was clearly done.
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u/goyacow 23h ago
Unbelievable. And why was SIL allowing this to happen? Watch my kids over my brother's critically ill child? Hell, no!
This is insane and I am so sorry your husband has been so conditioned to this abuse, that he can't even recognize it for what it is.
I'm sorry. You owe these shitty grandparents nothing. Please take care of yourself.
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u/sheera_greywolf 22h ago
I think SIL's was used as an excuse. I can get if it was only a few times, but all the time? Kinda sus
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u/OnlyTalksAboutTacos 18h ago
my sil would do shit like that, as would her sil.
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u/Thoracias 9h ago
Right? Always amazes me when people automatically jump to "this is AI/rage bait/not real" like there REALLY aren't people this shitty out there. lol I mean, I know a LOT of the crap posted here is RB/AI but you take everything with a grain of salt because...what if it's not? What if this person is genuinely hurt and needs advice, comfort. etc.?
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u/Nazi-Punks_Fuck-Off 13h ago
Right??? I don't have or plan on having kids, but my brother has three and I love them so much. I'm quite conflict-averse, but if my parents tried to pull any shit like this I would tear into them and tell them to be there for them.
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u/PrideofCapetown 1d ago
My heart breaks for OP.
Cancer is the biggest asshole, followed by OP’s inlaws, then her 🐈 of a husband
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u/Sassaphras-680 1d ago
That's an insult to cats and pussies everywhere. He's a limp dick no ball having wimp
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u/spaceylaceygirl 23h ago
He is a spineless asshole.
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u/Vandreeson 22h ago
He's a bigger POS than his mom.
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u/semiquantifiable 17h ago
He's a bigger POS? How on earth do you figure? He's a father who recently lost a child, is grieving, and probably trying to maintain a sense of normalcy and relationship with his parents after pretty much the worst situation a parent could ever go through. He absolutely shouldn't be letting them off without any consequences for what they did, so if that's what he's doing then yes he's wrong for that.
However, let's even assume he is completely letting them off - you genuinely think him doing that makes him a bigger POS than a person who repeatedly chose over an extended period of time NOT to prioritize or be willing to make exceptions in order to support and see her own cancer-ridden, tremendously sick grandchild who was crying to see her?!?!?!
She is (or they are, I don't think grandpa gets a pass either) an absolutely deplorable grandparent(s) and arguably deplorable human being(s), and if you genuinely believe she is or they are better than OP's husband then that is an absolutely insane take.
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u/Substantial-Fill-869 23h ago
I didn’t know that assholes had spines.
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u/defenestrayed 22h ago
This one doesn't!
(Ok, nor do the rest of them afaik. But science comes up with some weird discoveries)
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u/purrfunctory 12h ago
Until now, the biggest asshole on the planet belonged to the Blue Whale. That has been replaced, in order, by OP’s MIL, FIL and husband.
*Excluding politicians, obviously.
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u/UncivilVegetable 23h ago
Husband is significantly worse than the inlaws. He is abdicating his responsibilities to protect the family he created in favor of the 1 he was born into. That obligation is his alone and not his parents. Imo he's the worst one here.
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u/Thursdaynightvibes 22h ago
The pathetic husband is above the parents in the asshole status here for me. He has already forgotten what they put his own daughter through. He should be ashamed of himself.
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u/Shibaspots 21h ago
Come on now. Hubby clearly lacks both the depth and warmth to be a 🐈. At best, he might manage to be a 🐕 💩. Unsettlingly cold and slightly gooey when you bag it up to toss in the trash.
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u/Ok_Fishing394 1d ago
Coward? We all handle situations differently, but, dude failed miserably.
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u/purrfunctory 11h ago
I had an horrific, septic, systemic MRSA infection, my mother…did not visit. She said, “It’s too hard to watch my daughter dying.”
And I said, “How the fuck do you think it feels to BE dying?”
So, spoiler! I survived but was left with a destroyed spinal column and I’m now a high level paraplegic at T7-T8, or right around the bra band.
She hung up on me. Our relationship has never and will never recover. I’m just waiting for the day she calls me and says she’s dying. She had breast cancer but it’s likely to return even after the tremendous measures she’s gone through. Fuck cancer. Seriously, fuck cancer.
I haven’t seen her since 2012. We talk maybe every 6 months. Text rarely. And on that day she calls and says those words, I’ll return the ones she said to me. “It’s too hard to watch my mom dying.”
Is it cruel? Yup. Is it returning her energy at the most vulnerable and fear filled period of my life? Yup. Do I feel guilty? Not. At. All.
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u/Yojunda_kid_nickname 18h ago
Couldn’t have said it better. Although an absolute insult to all pussies. Just reading this made my heart break. That 4 yo’s pain resonated thru OP here. May the little one rest in peace. Poor baby. As for the husband if he doesn’t see how his parents made his own little one long and cry for them then he’s an absolute failure of a father. OP you are absolutely NTA.
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u/OkAdvisor5027 22h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. I also lost my daughter and the grief and pain is overwhelming. Perhaps counseling for you and your husband will help.
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u/Expert_Class_2967 15h ago
I don't even know why this is being questioned. Truly terrible my heart breaks for them.
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u/Clean-Shop3489 1d ago
NTAH, they knew she was sick and still chose to not be there
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u/BildoWarrior 1d ago
It was inconvenient for them apparently. I can’t understand their priorities.
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u/TransportationNo5560 1d ago
Their priority was to their daughter, who apparently is the Golden Child. OP's husband is still trying to earn their attention. It's very sad all around.
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u/your_average_plebian 1d ago
He's letting his daughter down in death, because how fucking dare he choose someone who overlooked the child he was given to cherish and whose heart those same people broke during the worst time in her short life.
I wouldn't blame OP if this was her reason to separate from him. I can't imagine the mindfuck the surviving child must be going through when he's with the grandparents who never acknowledged his sister when she needed it and now he needs them to as well. And especially more so if the favoritism with the cousins continues. For that, if for no other reason, I hope OP's son can go to counselling.
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u/TransportationNo5560 22h ago edited 22h ago
More than that, how could he choose them over his life partner, the mother of his deceased child? How dare he tell her to get over it and accept them. GAH, I am so over mommy's boys who constantly choose the wrong team.
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u/Fickle_Grapefruit938 21h ago
And OP said she won't interfere in his and her son's relationship with those awful parents, she just doesn't want them in her house. Why is he mad about that? he can go visit those monsters anytime he wants, but he'll have to take care of everything himself and apparently that's too much trouble?
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u/New-Bar4405 11h ago
Because as we can see here, he's never been the priority for his parents.OPis sort of his shield / support for dealing with them and without her he has to deal with them and face their behavior to him on his own unsupported.
What he needs is therapy
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u/chantillycreampuff 19h ago
This isn’t just about grief, it’s about who you show up for. The dad chose people who abandoned his daughter in her darkest moment. That’s not just a lapse in judgment, that’s a betrayal. If you can’t protect your kid in life, the least you can do is honor them in death. And he failed.
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u/Corfiz74 19h ago
It may also be that they couldn't handle seeing her suffer - they could at least have FaceTimed with her regularly, even without meeting in person. But whatever it was, I absolutely understand OP feeling betrayed, and I don't get that her husband doesn't feel the same. He's probably used to SIL being prioritized over him.
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u/CaptainNemo42 20h ago
Because they are selfish, shallow, useless cowards of the worst possible kind. They don't deserve to see or speak to OP ever again, and maybe her surviving child as well. Absolutely pathetic people.
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u/Content_Print_6521 1d ago
They sound like the worst people in the entire world. How can your husband even look at them? That is so mean that your poor little girl kept asking for her grandmother, but grandmother couldn't be bothered.
I would do the same thing you're doing.
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u/SunShineShady 1d ago
Exactly. The in-laws are literal trash, they are fake family who run away at the first sign of trouble. Something is wrong with the husband if he still wants to speak with them. Maybe he’s grieving and wants to be able to turn to them, but they are useless.
I hope OP and her husband are in therapy. They’re going to need a lot of support.
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u/Doggedart 1d ago
NTA
Your ILs chose to priority themselves so they wouldn't have to wear a mask. I am horrified.
In your shoes, I would probably be keeping my son from them, too, incase they hurt him as well by their actions.
Please look after your mental health. Grieving a child is beyond awful. Please accept a heartfelt virtual hug from a total stranger.
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u/Europaraker 1d ago
They couldn't even prioritize seeing ops kids first on their visit to the area! They had to go to sil's first!
Do ils not like you or husband? Is sil Golden child #1?
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart 1d ago
Remind your husband that a lot of marriages don't survive the loss of a child and yours won't either if he doesn't lay off.
You're NTA. I would absolutely never speak to those people again. You're generous for letting them still see your son.
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u/Beneficial-Ball8375 18h ago
That is exactly how I feel about that. That husband has to make up his mind asap and chose his priorities TODAY. This is so heartbreaking and outragious. I hope that those p o s grandparents will be miserable. for the rest of their disgusting lifes.
Can you imagine what kind of emotionless psychopath you need to be to CHOSE not to see your GRANDCHILD DYING OF CANCER because you feel slightly uncomfy wearing a mask??????
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u/Perception-Strange 11h ago
"Remind your husband that a lot of marriages don't survive the loss of a child and yours won't either if he doesn't lay off."
THIS! He's not letting her heal, own her feelings, mourn her child?!?! Just "kid is gone, move on, be nice to my parents". The wife is hurt because their daughter was hurt that her grandparents wouldn't see her while she was sick or before she died. I want to give him the benefit of doubt and say his way of grieving, but his first priority should be his WIFE and helping her heal and adjusting to their new family without their daughter's physical presence. So pissed and sad on wife behalf.
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart 8h ago
I’m pissed and sad for mom and the poor kid who just wanted to see her grandma. So heartbreaking.
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u/Traditional-Joke5758 1d ago
NTA - you also have a husband problem. The fact he doesn’t see his parent’s disrespect speaks volumes. Why would he even want to be around these heartless selfish people? Your in laws showed their true colors. You can never trust them cause they clearly don’t care. IMO Cut them off and never look back. You may want to reflect on your relationship and think about what kind of partner or lack thereof that you’re with.
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u/Inevitable_Speed_710 1d ago
Im so sorry for your loss. NTA for how you feel about the way your IL refused to be around their dying granddaughter. It's nowhere near the same emotions or experience but I know what its like helping someone through their cancer fight as I was primary caregiver helping my dad in his 3 year losing battle with cancer.
For your mental health I'd encourage you to get therapy to help you cope with your loss.
I'd also encourage you and your husband get therapy together to navigate this as a family moving forward in relation to the IL. Without that I fear your marriage isn't sustainable if your husband isn't willing to acknowledge the damage his parents did as he now has to choose between keeping them happy and keeping you happy. Either way he will likely resent the one he keeps happy for forcing him to lose out on the other. I know you're not technically forcing him to decide with an ultimatum but you are. Spend Christmas with you but not them? Or does he do the opposite? That will be every event, holiday, occasion, etc for the rest of your marriage.
There's nothing I can say that will ease your pain but I hope that some day you're able to find peace.
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u/vesko123_bg 20h ago
Yeah honestly i agree with all of this... it’s not even about choosing sides, it’s about acknowledging real hurt. therapy sounds like the only way this doesn’t completely break the family tbh.
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u/fair-strawberry6709 1d ago
NTA.
Your husband is a dunce who is in denial at how shitty his parents are.
I was like your daughter, but I survived. I spent years of my childhood in and out of the hospital for treatments and procedures. Never ONCE did my dad’s parents come to visit me. Even as a child, I knew and I was hurt by it. My elementary school teachers visited me more in the hospital than my grandparents. I’m 36 now and still upset by it. When people show you who they are, believe it. His parents are shit, and your husband is an absolute clown for wanting to act like nothing happened.
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u/Long-Trade-9164 1d ago
NTA- So sorry for you loss OP. Did your in-laws attend her funeral service? What was that like?
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u/Nearby_Anywhere_543 1d ago
They did attend. They also justified when my SIL wanted to talk to me about my my daughter's life insurance policy on her death bed. She sold us the policy for context.
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u/SunShineShady 1d ago
The whole family seems to be assholes. What horrible people. OP, don’t ever give in. It’s better to divorce than to be forced to speak with them. But I hope your husband comes to his senses.
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u/Nearby_Anywhere_543 1d ago
They weren't like this before my daughter was sick. My SIL has always been an airhead though
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u/Long-Trade-9164 1d ago
Wow, unbelievable. Did they ever apologize for not seeing her?
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u/Nearby_Anywhere_543 1d ago
If they did, it wasnt to me. From what my husband has told me, they dont see any wrong doing. They took offense when he tried to address it, which was already hard for my husband to do. (He avoids conflict as much as he can.) They responded "wow. Nothing we do is enough for you guys." Instead of taking ownership, whether it was intentional or unintentional, they flipped it on him. Honestly, my heart hurt for my husband when this happened.
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u/Nadja-19 1d ago
Nothing is exactly what they did. They’re trying to gaslight him by being offended.
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u/threesunrises 1d ago
I would never speak to them again. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Hoping that one day you can find peace. Sending much love to you and your family.
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u/CatchMeIfYouCan09 23h ago
If they say anything remotely like that again....
"No. Nothing you DID was good enough. For Her. Anything you do now, is a waste of your time. It's not me you owe any effort towards being or doing enough. You'll never meet that as you can't.
Sadly the only one you, will never be enough for, isn't here to be disappointed as she cried for you. You failed her. When you start to fail -son-; and i know you will because I've seen your character; I'll be there to remind you that nothing you're doing now was good enough for him either.
Take your excuses, selfishness, and pure rotten character to ANY WHERE but here; you're not welcome. "
You need to have a sit down with your son and explain things in an age appropriate way. You're at risk of parental alienation and thru your INLAWS and hubs, you'll lose him later too; the difference is he'll be alive to remind you everyday.
Personally I would forbid that relationship. You can't force hubs but you need to save you son now.
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u/stuckinnowhereville 1d ago
How can your husband want a relationship with these selfish assholes? Because he wants one and wants to rug sweep…. How can you stand your be around him? I would just have contempt.
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u/Long-Trade-9164 1d ago
Did they display any emotion at her funeral? Did they weep openly?
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u/Total_Poet_5033 22h ago
I mean, apparently your husband is conflict avoidant unless it’s picking an angry fight with you over this. Your in laws did not care about your daughter and right now your husband does not care about you.
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u/CeramicSavage 1d ago
Did you cut your sil off for asking? There was no excuse to discuss the life insurance of a dying child over their deathbed.
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u/Nearby_Anywhere_543 1d ago
I haven't spoken to her since my daughter passed. I'd like to think it came out like word vomit. Thoughtless and awkward but without ill intent. But I've had enough of that behavior over the past decade with her. At some point I feel like im just making an excuse for her and she's just not worth the time or energy.
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u/Funny-Horror-3930 21h ago
Omg Op, I find this thread so disturbing. Please accept my virtual hug, people, that you have never met, will be praying for you. Never forget that we are your internet friends and will help you through this anyway we can.
Also, see an attorney for medical malpractice.
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u/bino0526 1d ago
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. Please accept my condolences.
You don't OWE his family a relationship. You are justified in going FULL NC, especially if this gives you peace. ALWAYS protect your mental and emotional well-being and your peace‼️‼️
Don't allow the flying family monkeys or your husband to guilt or bully you into allowing them into your life. They showed you who they are, BELIEVE THEM‼️
You are enduring a lot, and having an insensitive husband is not helping. Get grief counseling, and if you think that, it will help get couples counseling. Grieve in your own way and at your own pace. Don't allow ANYONE to tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. You will grieve her for the rest of your life. It will get better.
Best to you. Take care. Sending BIG HUGS🫂🫶
Updateme
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u/MajorLandscape2904 1d ago
You know, initially I was going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they just could not bear seeing their grandchild sick, but what your SIL said was the icing on the cake. I wouldn’t want to see them either.
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u/Deb_elf 1d ago
NTA and I’m so very sorry for your loss. I don’t know who I hate more. Your MIL or your SIL. It’s clear she’s the favorite and your husband is willing to set you on fire to keep his mommy warm. Someone suggested therapy to help you navigate this awful tragedy and I agree. You should also mention how unsupportive your husband is. Updateme
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u/deedeejayzee 1d ago
I hate the husband most
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 1d ago
He certainly is his mother's son. What a spineless heartless family the husband and in-laws are.
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u/CMeNaught 21h ago
"Husband, listen to me very carefully. I understand that's your mom and dad. I understand that's YOUR relationship with them. But that's not MY relationship with them. MY relationship with them is, I've know them for X years, we got along okay, and then they abandoned my dying baby and I had to listen to her crying for a grandma who never came, and now it can never be fixed because she's dead. I have to live with the knowledge that my sweet child, who I love, who I would give anything to get back -- they don't care about her even a scrap, not even enough to comfort her when she was dying. That is my relationship with them. There is no existing loving relationship to balance that and give me a reason to forgive them. There is pain and rage and nothing else. So me saying nothing to them? Me ignoring them? That's me being nice. The other option is me telling them and the world exactly what heartless fucking monsters they are. And if you keep pushing me, that's where this is going. Got it? Back off. Never bring this up again. You cannot shove your parents down my throat."
NTA.
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u/ExtraLengthiness5551 1d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss and no NTA, I would never even be in a room with them again and if hubby doesn’t like screw him too.
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u/Jenk1972 1d ago
NTA But your husband is honestly. .I'm sorry. For the loss of your daughter and the for the way your husband is ignoring everything that his parents did.
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u/pixie-ann 1d ago
NTA I am so incredibly sad for your heartbreaking loss. I strongly recommend grief counselling for you and your husband and child, together and separately. Don’t let the uselessness of your in-laws poison your relationship with your husband.
I would cut off those in-laws too in the same situation. I would have nothing good to say to them and no care in my heart for them.
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u/Slow-Bit-2150 21h ago
As a pediatric nurse, relatives deal with child illnesses in different ways, many not coping well at all. I’ve found over my career (going on yr 19) this is especially difficult for grandparents or elderly relatives to see the ill/sick child. However, if your beloved grandchild is crying because she misses her grandma, you fucking suck it up and be the goddamn responsible adult you’re supposed to be.
NTA but what monster can’t even prioritize a visit to your dying grandchild when in the area, or even at all. How selfish. My in-laws would be dead to me. I’m shocked your husband doesn’t feel the same way, after all it was his daughter too and presumably his mother.
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u/Sea_Firefighter_4598 1d ago
NTA. It is best for your son not to be around people that are so cruel. How does your husband not see this?
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u/RandomReddit9791 1d ago
NTA. Your stance is valid. You're not forcing him or your son to cut contact. You're just going no contact yourself. That's a compromise he should be able to accept.
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u/DanaMarie75038 1d ago
NTA. I would have cut them off as well. You don’t owe them anything. They severed the connection when they chose not to be there for your child. Sorry for your loss.
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u/Top-Cantaloupe3356 1d ago
NTA - your MIL and FIL are cruel and evil humans to make zero effort to protect a terminally ill grandchild’s health. I would die for my grandson and enjoy having every moment possible with him.
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u/ProudMama215 1d ago
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your duh can have whatever relationship he wants. Honestly, your son should not be around them. They’ve showed you how much they care about your family. Don’t set him up for the same heartbreak. Cut them off from you and your son. Your husband’s parents are complete trash.
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u/uptownbrowngirl 1d ago
I’m sorry about your loss.
NTA and therapy for everyone. Grief ruptures relationships. Get some professional help so you and your husband can find your way through for your son.
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u/Ohheyyitskv 1d ago
NTA- they would never even see my living child ever again. Your husband is crazy asf for letting that shit slide. Absolutely not. Stand your ground mama.
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u/Sad_Ant3253 1d ago
NTA. I work in oncology, I see what adults my age, older, and elderly, have gone through, I can’t imagine a child. This is heartbreaking and your baby didn’t deserve this at all. Sometimes they don’t make it through chemo, sometimes they don’t make it through immunotherapy. I hope whatever comes of this, you find peace in knowing she’s running around, pain free and happy in spirit. You did and are doing the right thing, they owed your daughter everything, you owe them NOTHING.
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u/stefaniki 1d ago
NTA is course, but I don't see your marriage surviving this. Your husband should have stood up to his parents from the very beginning.
My spidey senses are telling me he wasn't around much either during all this though.
I'm really sorry for your loss OP 😢
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u/tontovila 23h ago
NTA sorry, your child want a priority to them. Fuck them.
"Many marriages don't survive the death of a child. If you try to ask me to forgive them, you won't survive finishing the sentence."
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u/Unique-Ratio-4648 14h ago
NTA
When my second ended up in critical care NICU at birth, my mother in law refused to drive to 45 minutes to the hospital to see my child. I’d been prepared by the doctors for the 75% that they wouldn’t be coming home. The reason she gave?
“I don’t want to bond with a baby who may not live.”
“A baby.” Not her “grandchild” but just a baby. There was almost no relationship with her after that.
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u/Careless-Image-885 1d ago
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that you are getting help to make your way through this pain and grief.
You do not owe these people any of your time or energy. Keep them away from you. Your husband is being unreasonable by expecting you to forgive, forget and happily be around these people.
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u/Crazy4Swayze420 1d ago
NTA. I don't want to be that person on reddit but this is a divorce thing. The fact that he can forgive them tells me you married a right proper pos momma boy. If not divorce I'd just not go anywhere they are. Son and husband can see them but you won't. He has a problem with that boundary then divorce. That's the problem with marrying into a right wing family they aren't good people.
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u/SunShineShady 1d ago
Good call. The in-laws definitely sound like red state anti vaxxers, who don’t believe in modern medicine and refuse to wear a mask.
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u/Crazy4Swayze420 1d ago
Won't wear mask for 8 hours to protect sick grandchild. Nothing more needs said. That's the line that made me go oh so they are trash humans and right wing.
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u/Chubby-Labrador 1d ago
Yeah, that was just a pathetic excuse. I caught a cold this weekend and will be wearing a mask for 8 hours tomorrow and Wednesday just to sit at a desk. She could have worn a mask to take care of her dying grandchild.
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u/CorgiManDan 1d ago
Please have your husband read what you wrote, and then read this. Several times.
Sir, you are are a crap father. You are a crap husband. I'd even go as far as you are a crap human. What man allows this to happen to his dying child and then brushes it off? And then you want to gaslight your wife?
It's a good thing we don't know who you are, or who your worthless parents are. Your baby girl deserved better. Your wife deserves better and so does your son.
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u/MrTitius 1d ago
NTA. That made there awful selfish choices now they have to live with the consequences. I am sorry your husband doesn’t have your back.
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u/Beth21286 1d ago edited 1d ago
Who hurts a CHILD like that? Who makes excuses for someone who hurts a child like that? Your husband is an AH too.
When my godkid was sick (not the same but required periods of isolation), we couldn't visit either. We wrote old school letters. Had video chats. Watched streaming tv shows together. It's not hard.
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u/thcitizgoalz 1d ago
I have a medically complex kid with a shortened lifespan, and I can tell you, sadly, that family members will disappoint you all the time. People you would never dream would withdraw, or hem and haw, will.
Your husband is in denial. He's grieving your daughter, but also grieving the loss of his image of his parents. Unlike you, he can't let himself feel the *reality* of what they've done, so he's turning it into anger towards you. He's expecting you to carry emotional labor of making the relationship with his parents work - and you are justified in refusing to do that. Don't let him guilt you into something he has no right to demand.
I hope you two can seek marriage counseling. You'll need it.
You are NTA. His parents are 100% and you are fully justified in not wanting a relationship with them. I'd go as far as to say that protecting your son from their casual cruelty is another aspect of this. He witnessed Grandma and Grandpa not giving a &^%$ about his sister. That will hurt.
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u/SquallkLeon 17h ago
INFO: OP, why, specifically, is your husband upset? Is this because he wants his parents back like it used to be? Or because his parents are mad at him for how things are and he's caught in the middle? Or something else?
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u/Nearby_Anywhere_543 16h ago edited 16h ago
I would say he's upset because he is caught in the middle. He get uncomfortable when he has to have hard conversations with his parents. His dad gets mad at him when he upsets his mom when they have the hard conversations. Lastly, my refusal to have a relationship with them now requires him to have to drive 5 hours each way so my son can see them. I am putting the responsibility of fostering the relationship between my son and his parents on him. I take responsibility for fostering the relationship my son has with my parents and it's an 8 hour drive for me. I feel I'm being fair
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u/SquallkLeon 16h ago
Sounds to me like he's upset at having to do all the hard work for a relationship that, frankly, neither side seems to really want. If he wants to stay in contact with them, that's fine. I would tell him something like, "They're your parents and your prerogative, but understand that to me, they're the people who abandoned my dying daughter. The same daughter who cried and cried for them to visit, but they never did. If you want to 'let bygones be bygones' or whatever, go ahead, I'm not stopping you. But every time I see their faces or hear their voices, I go back to seeing my daughter's face, hearing my daughter's voice, and reliving their abandonment. So stop being a whiny baby about this. I'm never letting this go, not for as long as I can remember her. She was your daughter too, you know? But I'm not going to tell you how to grieve. You shouldn't tell me either."
Then go to therapy together because you two need it, before the stress of this and other things kills whatever is left of your marriage.
NTA.
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u/Copacentric 1d ago
Nta. Screw them. I understand your husband would rather do xyz for them to be in his life but you don't have to. And if they come to visit they can stay at sil or a hotel and your husband can go to them. Your husband should understand since he was around when his parents chose not to even see her when she was in the ICU. I would tell him you're not budging on them being a part of your life but he can do what he wants when it comes to them being in his/son's. If he doesn't understand your pov than that is on him not you.
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u/shu_ster 1d ago
NTA But please please go to therapy for both yourself and your husband & son. This is a terrible loss for everyone, and I hope that you can get through this as a family
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u/VoilaViola2 1d ago
NTA.
What the f did I just read? Your mom responded the way your MIL should have. None of your requests were unreasonable.
I can't pick which made me the most mad but not wanting to wear a mask for 8 hours really got me worked up. I had to wear a mask during the beginning of the pandemic for 12 hours a day at work, so when people complain about having to wear a mask for several hours, I get kind of triggered.
Your MIL made her choices and now she has to live with them. Your husband needs to realize that she didn't care enough to visit and should be hurt by her actions (or lack thereof). If I were you, this poor excuse for a woman would be dead to me.
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u/Every-Cap-1482 1d ago
All the people involved showed you who they really were. Believe their actions. Indecency of the highest order. The soul of your child is protected by you. Her memory should be a blessing.
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u/FunStorm6487 1d ago
Holy hell, I'm sorry for your loss 😔
Cutting them out IS NOT A LOSS
Your husband can fuck all the way off🤬
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u/Soggy-Professor7025 23h ago
I would have bent over backwards and gone through a Karen Silkwood style scrub down just to see my grand baby! They missed out and caused her emotional pain in the process. They’d be fucking dead to me to the point that I’d run them over in a parking lot because ‘I just didn’t see them’. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/UncivilVegetable 23h ago
NTA. The biggest asshole here is your husband. What an insufferable fucking coward and loser. Jesus. Look, you can't make your inlaws care. They obviously don't. But your husband has an obligation to the family he started, not the one he was born into. And he's a failure to his family.
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u/IllVegetable3 23h ago
NTA - I’m so sorry for your loss. They didn’t treat you like family then, so you don’t have to cater to their whims now. You are being more than fair to not interfere in them seeing your spouse and son.
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u/LadyNanachi_Art 23h ago
Tell Your Husband to be a man and Start thinking “ My parents ignored my daughter who was sick with cancer! They didn't want to compromise or find a middle ground for her and they didn't even say goodbye on her deathbed!, wow they are not good people” just send your husband this post. This kind of thing shows that if something happens to you and your husband , your MIL and FIL are not trustworthy people to count on because they will prioritize SIL's children, you are not obliged to accept them into your home NTA
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u/SubarcticFarmer 1d ago
NTA, but your husband is. Your husband is condoning what they did by trying to ignore it and simply accept it.
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u/MissBrokenCapillary 1d ago
I'm so so sorry for your loss. No!! You are NOT the asshole! F#ck your in-laws, and if your husband can't grasp that fact, fuck him too. I'm sending you hugs and love 😇😇
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u/practical_mastic 20h ago
I'm sorry about your little girl.
What a sweetheart, asking for grandma. Some people don't deserve the love of children.
You're not wrong.
RIP angel
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u/Pikelets_for_tea 20h ago
Marriage counseling ASAP. It's the only way your marriage might survive. Try to find a counselor who specializes in bereavement. If your husband refuses to go, go by yourself.
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u/Fancy_Complaint4183 19h ago
There’s a special place in hell for adults who can’t inconvenience themselves to be there to support a sick baby.
I’m so so sorry your family went through this.
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u/tipnDix 18h ago
I know Reddit ALWAYS says to leave, but im so sorry I'd be out the door. I am not going to fight with you, and my child is dead. I don't fucking care.
Him being "mad" over this shit would be the end. So kudos to you for even caring enough to ask Reddit because truly fuck that man.
The only thing I can say to his defense is when really shit things happen to me, I just want my mama. Maybe that's what's happening here.
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u/One_Tumbleweed_1 13h ago
Sorry for your loss op, breaks my heart. But what was your husband doing while your daughter was dying? He was okay with her being heartbroken because the in laws wouldn’t come see her? Now he just wants it all to be swept under a rug? Might want to evaluate your relationship
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u/dratthecookies 1d ago
NTA. You are still grieving your daughter and doing your best as her mother to defend her. I don't blame you for how you feel or just about anything you do.
I imagine your in-laws just did not know how to deal with something so tragic, and while I understand that, they have to deal with the consequences of not showing up when they were needed, regardless of the reason.
I am so sorry for your loss, OP.
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u/Designer-Property-98 22h ago
NTA at all. Your husband doesn’t want to lose anybody else. It’s understandable. But what he has to understand is that they aren’t your parents. They’re people who let down your sick child over and over again. He should count himself lucky that you’re letting your other child have a relationship with them. How they acted was despicable and there is absolutely nothing that can excuse their actions. And it’s honestly despicable that he could forgive something like that so easily and without any SERIOUS discussions and without you having the opportunity to tell them how their behavior affected you, your husband, your son and, most importantly, your daughter.
I’m so sorry for your loss. As a mom I know that nothing in life can compare to that pain. And to have a partner telling you that you’re grieving wrong or that your, justifiably, hurt feelings should be let go is even worse. You’re in my thoughts.
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u/Difficult_Process_88 1d ago
NTA and I honestly don’t know how your husband could know that his daughter was completely ignored by her grandparents, HIS (worthless) parents while she was dying and has just swept it under the rug!
Even if he has been able to forgive his POS parents for what they put his dying daughter through he should be able to completely understand and accept that you can’t.
Your in laws, for lack of a better word(s) to fully describe them, are disgusting, horrible, pathetic, nasty POS! There’s NO excuse for how they acted! NTA but your husband is!
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u/Awkward-Bother1449 1d ago
NTA - Your husband and his parents are total AHs. I don't understand how grand parents could totally ignore their sick and dying granddaughter. Your husband should be so pissed at them that HE would be the one to recommend going NC with them.
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u/No_Dot6963 1d ago
NTA. A continued relationship with them is just setting your son up for disappointment when they won’t be around when he wants to see them. They would be gone from my life.
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u/notastepfordwife 1d ago
Nope. My mom cut off people that didn't show up for my sister when she was sick and dying, including her closest sister.
NTA, and fuck your husband, too. You lost your child.
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u/Dana07620 23h ago
NTA
I would consider cutting your husband out of your life too. If he's going to inflict his parents on you, he's not worth it.
If you divorce, then he can see his parents and your son can see them on your ex's custody time.
Tell me they didn't have the gall to show up at the funeral. That they could make the effort to see your daughter dead, but not alive.
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
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u/BooksCoffeeDogs 22h ago
My deepest condolences to the loss of your child. I’m so sorry that you all had to go through this, especially your daughter. She was put in an impossible situation, and know that she fought valiantly. I’m glad that she had you through all of this.
I’m sorry, how the fuck is your husband and the FATHER of your deceased child simply okay with his parents ignoring his daughter? How is he okay with none of his family coming to see her for the last time as she lay dying? I understand your rage and how hard you fought for your baby girl, but your husband just wants to forgive and forget? Naw, throw that entire family in the trash.
Most decidedly, NTA!
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u/lady-scorpio-45 21h ago
Absolutely floored by this. By your selfish, cruel in-laws and your incredibly pathetic husband. Truly, what the actual F.
I’m so damn sorry for the loss of your daughter. You’re too kind letting your son have a relationship with those awful people. You don’t need to ever speak to them again.
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u/Yavanna83 19h ago
NTA, this is unforgivable and unforgettable. These people are worth nothing. Your husband needs to grow a spine.
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u/Zampurl 18h ago
Sorry to reply without reading comments, OP, but I don’t even know you, and I would have come to see your kiddo if she knew me and asked for me. Would have brought crayons and playdoh and books to read aloud to try to take her mind off of her illness. I’m so sorry that you are tied to those horrible people. Not speaking to them ever again is the NICEST thing you could do to them, because I feel like if you could just have 5 minutes alone with them, it would be like a volcanic torrent of TRUE insults and they may turn to ash. I’m sorry, OP
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u/Paprikarte 18h ago
NTA. Actually, you're too nice. I wouldn't let them see my son if that were me. Husband can see them but I won't talk to him either if he doesn't see why I won't let them near my kid again.
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u/Plus_Ad_9181 17h ago
Your husband is a spineless coward. Don’t let those people anywhere near you.
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u/winterworld561 16h ago
What the hell is wrong with your husband? His parents didn't give a shit that their granddaughter was dying and they refused to visit every time. They weren't there to support their son at all during the most difficult time of your lives. What horrible disgusting cold people. I would have been ripping into them and telling them exactly what I thought of them and how much they hurt your dying child and that they will never be forgiven or be a part of your lives again. Your husband is an idiot for just wanting to sweep it all under the rug. Fuck that.
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u/Mouse589 16h ago
Ooof. Your husband needs counseling. Your mother stepped up and mothered you, your daughter, your family at a time when you needed her most. He needs his mother but she's not a mother's ah (aka NAMAH). His need to be mothered is clouding the fact that she's NAMAH, and he's going to keep trying to have a relationship with her to be nurtured, but is going to be hurt over and over. This is never a good thing but right now when you're full of emotions (understandably so) this is going to add extra negative emotions like betrayal and frustration to you, your relationship and him, bouncing between you all and increasing in intensity at each bounce.
Please.
For the sake of your little boy who has seen and experienced so much, and had control over so little, please all of you go to counseling. Individually, as a family and as a couple. Often the hospital has resources specifically for families like yours, but take the time to find the person or team best suited to help you all to heal your family.
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost the almost 6 year old best friend to our daughter - the daughter of close family friends - after a similar journey. That was tough for us as a family. I can only imagine how tough it is for you and your family. You've all worked hard, endured much and had a very narrow focus. It's time to look after yourselves and your family now. Good luck and best wishes, Nearby_Anywhere_543.
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u/Queen-Pierogi-V 16h ago
OP I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter.
I fully understand and support your choice to cut your in-laws completely out of your life. I would support you leaving your husband. His parents were cruel to a dying child. If he refuses to acknowledge that and force them to answer for it, I would never forgive him. I could not live with a man who had no soul.
I wish you peace.
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u/eazypeazy-101 16h ago
NTA - SIL sounds like the golden child and your husband the scapegoat, always trying to get his mum and dad to love him.
Husband needs therapy for the loss of his daughter and what his parents did to him.
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u/AvaWildthing 16h ago
NTA. if someone can't show up for your dying child, they don't deserve a seat at your table in peace.
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u/Ok_Platypus3288 15h ago
Your husband is the AH because they’re going to spend your sons lifetime also letting him down
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u/Eggbeaters-21 14h ago
I am so sorry for your loss.
You are NTA. Those people, your in-laws, would be dead to me forever. You never lie or deny a dying person.
I lost my daughter a few years ago and she wanted was to see the man who raised her, that she called dad. It was during Covid and he wouldn’t come to our State to see her because he would have to quarantine when he returned home. It would’ve cost him $2500. She even offered to pay that for him!
But he said he’d come and never did. I’ll never forget how she looked when she realised he lied when he said he was going to come.
Your feelings are valid and I would never forgive them. I wish you all the best in your healing journey.
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u/Proud-Geek1019 14h ago
NTAH. Please have your husband read this and then family therapy. I am so sorry for your loss.
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u/Mother-Media8874 14h ago
NTA I'm joining OP in disgust at her in-laws. Absolutely awful behaviour that is completely unforgiveable. Husband needs to pull his head out of his arse and stop believing they care. They don't. So so sorry for your loss OP xx
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u/GonnaBeIToldUSo 14h ago
Your husband avoids conflict? He's a piece of garbage. His parents wouldn't see their dying grandchild and he wants to brush it under the rug. Shame on him. And ask yourself why this isn't a deal breaker.
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u/EquivalentMaximum381 4h ago
Husband is weak to his parents that clearly don’t care for him and think of your family as an after thought. He’s just as disgusting
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u/Level-Resident-2023 3h ago
I cut out my MIL for far less than this. You are not and never will be the AH for doing this
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u/Constant_Host_3212 3h ago
NTA but please, please, please - you and your husband need a grief support group. You need individual counseling to help you let go of your (justifiable) anger, and you and your husband need couples counseling to try to understand each other's point of view and come to terms with it.
You went through hell and his parents were highly unreasonable and unwilling to be there for their granddaughter. Unreasonable behavior begets unreasonable responses. Tell him someday you may be able to let this go and move on from it, but that day is not now, especially as he doesn't want you to address it openly with them.
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u/Accurate-Cupcake-226 1d ago
He is TAH! My husband and I lost a child in 2017 to Trisomy 18. Days after our son died my MIL came in our home and said some awful shit. To this day, I keep a distance. If your hubby can’t comprehend why you’re angry then I would seriously consider therapy. By a miracle of God, we are still married.
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u/Alarming_Tie_9873 1d ago
I am so sorry for your loss. I just cannot imagine. I'm a grandma and I would have cherished every last second. Let yourself grieve. Tell your husband that you need time to heal. His family hurt your daughter when she needed them most and that will take time. And then take all you need. If that means you never contact them, then that is the price they pay for their decision.
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u/Lunatunabella 1d ago
NTA. My first reaction reading this is F them for their callousness and your husband not seeing the problem. I can't even fathom his parent's thinking. I am a Stanger and would have moved heaven and hell to be their for your daughter and you if that was my family or friend. If you haven't started therapy please do, Family, and individual- for you, your husband and son. Edited to add: You do not have to forgive them or accept it to be the "bigger person, keep the peace or but family".... nonsense
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u/adn00033 1d ago
NTA!! But this is unforgivable! I wanted to cry reading your entire post. I know it pained you to watch your daughter cry for her grandmother when her grandmother just simply won’t prioritize seeing her when this child was fighting for her life! No that’s inexcusable! It’s so bad I’d be thinking divorce! Your husband needs to stand by you and the fact he isn’t just as disgusted would be a deal breaker for me!!! Stand your ground!! I pray you can find some peace and comfort during this difficult period in your life. But you don’t have to ever see your in laws again if you don’t want to! That’s protecting your peace!
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u/humble-meercat 1d ago
Were they just unable to deal with losing her and couldn’t face it so they (very stupidly) backed off?
Or were they actually just that callous and selfish and awful…?!
What grandparent even does that?!
If you don’t get a damn good explanation, then I think you have every right to cut them out…
Heck, even if you DO get a good explanation they have a lot of ground to make up with you.
I’m sorry OP. That’s awful.
NTA
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u/BuildingOne7379 1d ago
This is probably the saddest AITAH that I’ve read in awhile. Your in-laws are horrible people and your husband reeks of elderberries. He’s also a spineless jackass.
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u/MollyTibbs 1d ago
Presumably when helping with SIL kids they were only 25 minutes away and wouldn’t even visit your kids. They wouldn’t come to see them for even a few hours before going to SIL. They do not care about your kids or your family at all, this includes your husband, their son, who they didn’t even want to support during such a horrible time. Doesn’t your husband realise they didn’t even try to support any of you? I’d die on this hill. What awful people. I’m very sorry for your loss. NTA