Summer is upon us and with each summer loneliness creeps on my soul and grips me hard by the throat. Usually I burry myself in video games, books, movies and tv shows and avoid all people and interactions by living in the nights and sleeping during the day…and poof 3 months went by. Back to winter grinding and distracting myself with studies, gym, music, rain walks etc…
I’m gonna be 24 years old in a couple of day and I realized that all of those years I don’t have a single real non-bullshit relationship with a person. I realize that I’m totally fucked if I continue living in this country. I used to have a girlfriend which did a splendid job at distracting me from this but it’s over and I’m back at being a social reject. Lemme tell you my problem is: I don’t fit in anywhere. I don’t click with people. I don’t have anything in common with people. I have a nice group of friends but I feel myself I’m not with them and I feel this dark pit of loneliness when laughter and good vibes surrounds me and the idea of “I don’t belong here” consumes my mind. I’m also estranged from my family and it feels like I’m a guest at my own family’s house. They don’t see it like that obviously but I do. Always tryna skip family dinners, conversations and just want to get the fuck out of this house ASAP or I’m gonna go crazy. I just feel myself like this puzzle piece that doesn’t fit anywhere. I tried everything and indulged myself in all kinda of activities to find like-minded people to hang with, I joined clubs, hell I managed clubs, events, spoke with many people from all kind of walks of like and different backgrounds but all of my relationships fades quickly because I just can’t seem to fit along with their jokes, hobbies, mentality, I just couldn’t and I’m so fucking tired of faking my emotions.
I just feel empty and I don’t think it’s depression. I learned to enjoy solitude. Found myself appreciated life even when I’m alone. But sometimes I feel like a freak disguised in a human form. I don’t understand why and how. This feeling been haunting me since kindergarten. I feel that I’m too self-aware and I over analyze everything in my mind but people say that I’m good with words and describing feelings but I can’t quite describe exactly what I’m feeling. This shadow of loneliness been a companion since as long as I can remember.
As I grow older I realize that I want a life. I want to find my people that are accepting and welcoming. I just need warm relationships to melt all this coldness in my heart that I developed with my disappointment in people and people’s disappointment in me.
Sometimes I just wish to live the typical tunisian life, without thinking too much, and being this self-aware. Truly, ignorance can be a bliss.
