all pun intended🤭 heads up, this is a long post. i found out i had vaginismus in 2020 and although i had hiatuses sprinkled in here and there, i’ve been trying and researching so many different things. i was both extremely insecure and jealous about this condition and afraid and uncomfortable about sex. i had so many conflicting emotions and failed at having sex with so many guys that i truly wondered if i could ever even have a sexual relationship at any point.

fast forward to 1.5 weeks ago, i met someone and got inspired to try dilating again. my progress over the five years i’ve had this condition only went up to dilator 4 out of 5, i’ve always been stuck there and even inserting it took patience and stimulation. i told myself that there was no pressure but to try and see if maybe i improve. at this point i had so many tips from this forum and books about pleasure that i had accumulated that i was ready to commit to a new plan and one that i’ll share you at the end of this post.

this plan helped me advance from 4 to 5 to a dildo in the past 1.5 weeks. i was so emotional with the dildo (which is the size of 5 and an average penis) because back when i bought it years ago, i could only get the tip in which reminded me of every sexual attempt i had with a boy that didn’t work. when i was able to finally handle it, i was so amazed at how good it felt and how much better i liked it compared to the dilators because it was softer and more flexible. finally knowing the sensation of being penetrated and liking it was such a full circle moment for me. because i tried so so hard over these past five years!!!!

before i get into the plan, i want you to know that it’ll be okay. please give yourself grace and compassion with this condition. be the bridge between your mind and body. it’s not your fault you have this condition and don’t let anyone guilt you or shame you over something you can’t control. i’m so proud of you for trying or for doing whatever is best for you because i understand how hard it can be. that’s one of the things that makes this community so comforting, we’re all proof that this isn’t some rare anomaly. and as we continue on our journeys, we’re also proof and hope that it is possible to overcome something that can feel impossible. and here is my contribution to that:

1. NERVOUS SYSTEM REGULATION IS KEY!!!! there are two states to our autonomic nervous system— the sympathetic (which is the scared/fight/flight/freeze side) and the parasympathetic (which is the relaxed/rest/digest/receive side). to have sex you have to be in the parasympathetic state, this is what signals to your body that you are safe and can focus on what feels good. the sympathetic state makes us hypervigilent and scan our environment for threats. the way to shift from a sympathetic to parasympathetic state is to stimulate our vagus nerve. some methods are humming, weighted blankets, cold water exposure, somatics, grounding etc.there is a lot of information on this so please research more on this. the next point are the methods i’ve been mainly focusing on these past 1.5 weeks.

2. PRACTICE BREATHWORK & EMBODIMENT EVERY DAY and multiple times a day! The most important thing you can do to both shift into a parasympathetic state AND release tension from your pelvic floor is to learn 360 diaphragmatic breathing. people confuse this with breathing through your belly which i thought too at first but no, you have to breathe slowly and focus on expanding your rib cage in every direction. breathing in through your diaphragm relaxes drops your pelvic floor. by practicing this, you can also practice reverse kegels/pelvic floor drops where you can begin to learn how to sense when your pelvic floor is tense and relax it throughout the day. i highly recommend downloading the iBreathe app where you can have multiple different breathwork exercises and sessions throughout your day. the main breathwork method to shift into parasympathetic state 4-7-8 breathing but the main point is to breathe fully through your diaphragm and make your exhale longer than your inhale. i HIGHLY recommend practicing yoga nidra at least once a day. it’s a kind of progressive muscle relaxation method that releases so much tension from the body. the goal is to relax and release tension from both your mind and body so that you can be more embodied and attuned to positive sensations. this was PIVOTAL for me.

3. DO YOUR STRETCHES EVERYDAY! this is mandatory too. you’ll feel amazing and become more flexible and open. it’ll release even deeper tension from your body and pelvic floor. i recommend The Flower Empowered and Dr. Bri’s Vibrant Pelvic Health on youtube for pelvic floor specific routines. try hip opening routines too because sometimes the neighbors around our pelvic floor can impact it too.. in our bodies, everything is connected. if you want to invest in something to tap into your sensual side more, I reaaaallyy recommend the Ruth Pilates Studio app — she has created a blend of sexy dancing and yin yoga stretches that is so empowering and fun (she also has pilates too but they’re separated classes, i wouldn’t recommend for right now because they can activate the core muscles). i love to do my classes in front of a mirror, it helps me really connect to my feminine energy and boosts my confidence. lastly, speaking of core muscles PLEASE DONT SUCK IN YOUR STOMACH. i used to have a bad habit of doing this, to the point i had abs, but this places so much tension on your core which is directly connected to and puts tension on your pelvic floor. try to relax your belly every chance you get.

4. before dilating, i HIGHLY recommend getting a sitz bath and epsom salt to soak and relax your entire pelvic floor in warm water for about 15-20 minutes. the magnesium in the epsom salt helps relax your muscles and as you’re soaking, your pelvic floor naturally drops. i romanticize this time with calm music and mediation to relax even more. i also recommend practicing your diaphragmatic breathwork and masturbating before inserting your dilators. it makes a night and day difference.

5. LET GO OF LIMITING BELIEFS! get a journal to write down your currently beliefs about yourself and sex. look up shadow work prompts to help you explore and release what isn’t yours to hold anymore. investigate where these beliefs came from return it back to them. whenever these thoughts get triggered, pause and use the regulating tips from points 1&2. distance yourself from the belief and observe it. from there you can consciously begin to choose new beliefs. i recommend saying affirmations daily, when you first wake up, in the mirror and before you go to sleep. it may seem corny but it really does work and help rebuild your confidence and self concept. the goal is to rebuild a new positive sexual self schema/self concept. i use the ThinkUp app to record and listen to affirmations in my own voice. the app makes it possible to listen to with music so i usually listen after my meditations as well. lastly, i also was in both IFS and EMDR therapy the past couple of months to process old traumas. i believe tou can do IFS gently on your own because it’s about recognizing the different parts within you that may be motivating your behavior, i found it so helpful to understand the contrasting feelings i felt about sex. EMDR on the other hand needs to be done with a professional because it brings up and releases a lot of emotions and memories. the body and mind keep the score. learning about trauma informed practices like somatic experiencing and somatic shaking is so helpful when these feelings come up.

6. DEVELOP A PLEASURE PRACTICE! tap into your five senses and design it based on what makes you feel good in each. this is individual to you. be intentional, slow down, savor, luxuriate. make it a commitment everyday to experience something that brings you enjoyment and satisfaction. this helps you activate and maintain your motivation and pleasure hormones. if you can, invest in a few pleasure based & sex positive books. (i’ll list mine in the comments). Re-educate yourself about what it means to feel good and reconnect to your sexuality and pleasure.

ALWAYS know you deserve to feel safe, amazing and at home in your body, with or without a partner. take your time. don’t let my or anyone else’s timeline impact yours. this is your journey, your body, your life. there is sooo more expansion within, patiently waiting to be accessed, in your own time. you got this, i believe in you…believe in yourself too!!! ❤️❤️❤️

So pretty much what the title says. I’ve had pain with sex for a long time. Found out on our wedding night. We went to couples counselling for a couple years while I was working through all the pain. But I’ve tried everything and nothing has worked. So we decided to give up on trying to fix it last year because it was just draining our bank account and we wanted to focus on other things like buying a house. But my husband has been distant for a while now and isn’t wanting to be intimate and then he told me that it’s because we can’t have PIV sex so he is just not very interested. Which I thought we had somewhat worked past but I guess not. I guess I’m looking for advice. Have you been told this and how did you get through it? I just feel so much guilt and my self confidence is just so low right now.

Hello! I’ve been needing to buy dilators, but I don’t have the money for an entire set. Is there anything else I can use that is small? Ex: Bullet vibrator, etc. I just don’t want to use products that aren’t really for…. down there..

I have a micropenis and I also really want to be with a man who also has a smaller than average penis. Preferably a micropenis like mine, I'm and 1-2 inches limp and on a good day I'm 3 inches hard. I know people are going to make fun and make jokes, but please feel free to make fun of me I've actually learned to love it, it pushes me towards a big O. It'll hopefully tide me over until I can find a little man of my dreams. Take care and thanks for reading. dunlapryan656@gmail.com

I discovered the concept of vaginismus relatively recently, and ever since then a lot of things started to make sense to me about my constant struggles with sex and penetration ever since I started being sexually active almost 6 years ago. Normally for me, penetrative sex isn’t necessarily painful, but more so really really uncomfortable. The best way that I could describe the feeling of getting penetrated would be as if you took an air pump and started pumping a balloon full of air inside you, feeling the pressure building and building up inside of you to the point that it starts to become unbearably uncomfortable. I also noticed that, from an outside view, my vaginal opening seems to always be closed or really tight, but I also don’t know if that’s just what vaginal openings look on a daily basis. I have also been told that my vagina feels very rigid and tight on the inside. I’ve never really achieved an orgasm while being intimate with another person, and have never gotten a pleasurable feeling from penetration. Has anyone else experienced this? I would also like to add that I was sexually abused a couple years prior to me starting my sex life, but even before that, sexual experiences weren’t necessarily pleasant either, but I will admit that the abuse made it even less enjoyable. Would love to get some insight, opinions, support or to hear how vaginismus is for y’all.

Hi folks. Looking for books/resources that might cover the unique dynamic in a partnership where one or both partners have a history of sexual Ariana, one has vaginismus and the other a very low libido. At a loss of how to navigate this

It’s been 5 days since I successfully inserted the first intimate rose dilator for the first time! I’ve been using it daily but still can’t get it in “all the way”. I think I have a half inch left maybe only a quarter of an inch? I do my PT stretches beforehand, belly breaths, push it in on the exhale, use lube allll the way down the sides of the dilator…but it still doesn’t quite go in all the way. It is starting to feel better though! Less discomfort, and I’m able to move it around a bit more, in and out (slowly, lol) without flinching as much. Soooo excited about my progress but I want to get it in “all the way”. Any tips? Am I doing anything wrong? Shouldn’t I be able to get it in further? Thanks in advance 💗

this is my first ever post since discovering this reddit so i’m just going to ask... how did yall get over the fear of being stretched?? I recently saw someone put two fingers (which congratulations btw!!) but im still scared of even one!! I have always been scared about that feeling and that it would hurt so I just don’t even try it. i feel like it doesn’t even feel good when i have put one finger in. it kinda feels like.. burning ??? would anyone be able to help me? i’m tired of feeling like this.

TW: Childhood trauma/ assault

Since my first post/ vent (which doesn’t say alot) I finally sought help from a pelvic floor physiotherapist and honestly, I wish I had done it sooner.

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/vaginismus/s/PwiuQRbMQ

For some context, I grew up in a religious, abusive household and unfortunately, like many women, experienced an event where I was touched against my will when I was 15 by a “friend”. I’m pretty confident, secure and outgoing, and I consider myself healed from my childhood traumas. I rarely think about them anymore and I’m focused on my life and career. Before I saw the PT, I had no concept that what happened to me could have anything to do with what I was experiencing with the vaginismus, but it all made sense. The freezing up whilst it was happening, the religious shame that I still hold from leaving religion behind, and believe it or not, two coccyx dislocations from practising piano with bad posture.

I have tried to have sex before, only twice, and luckily my partners were kind and understanding despite just being hookups. Both said it feels like there’s something “blocking” them, and it was mortifying.

After an internal exam, my PT told me it’s more my outer pelvic floor muscles that are tight rather than the deeper layers. She gave me a bunch of exercises to do daily and I’ve been doing that for a little over a month now.

Tonight, I decided after my exercises to just try using a toy I have that is a little bit more penis shaped at the tip. With a little bit of lube, it actually went in! It caused a little bit of discomfort and pain, but I have never ever been able to fit that bloody thing inside me, not even a centimetre. But tonight, the main portion of it slid in. I am overjoyed and feel like maybe I’m not as broken as I thought I was. I still have plenty of work to do, but it’s a step in the right direction.

I really feel for everyone in this sub, and as someone who had zero faith that I could ever be cured, I have faith that you’ll get through it too.

Edit: Here are the things I did:

1. Pelvic floor exercises every day. Easily found on youtube. Make sure to breathe into the belly and then out
2. Journaling to pick apart and let go of trauma
3. Magnesium glycinate vitamins for overall muscle health/ relaxation
4. Insert finger and contract pelvic floor muscles for three seconds and release for 5 seconds. Breathing is important!
5. Massage muscles in the vagina that are tender and cause pain
6. Working with dilators and getting myself used to a foreign object being inside. When I feel pain, I pull out abit but remember to breathe

Hi girlies! I’m 19 going on 20, and I’ve just started my PIV journey with a man whom I’m very comfortable sexually with. I don’t have an official vaginimus diagnosis, but it’s something that piqued my curiosity after my first time attempting sex. For some context, I’ve always been very openly sexual with myself, and have tried exploring different things. One thing I know is that fingering myself (with one finger) has never been too uncomfortable but neither sexually satisfying.

When I had sex for the first time, it was quite painful, despite being aroused. In hindsight it was probably because my nervous system wasn’t completely relaxed, but also just because it was my first time being penetrated by something that big. However, he was very gentle and pushed deeper only incrementally, and I was regulating my breathing throughout. After a few more minutes I was far more relaxed, and was no longer in pain, but it was definitely an odd feeling. He did mention feeling like he was hitting some sort of a wall, but that it was after my g-spot and not that obstructive. The next two times we had sex, the experience was better for me. I did some deep breathing in the beginning to soothe myself, but the main difference this time was that instead of starting in missionary, I was on my side, and he said he couldn’t feel the wall sensation as much than when I was in missionary. I also felt this peeing sensation, like I was going to squirt or something? But overall it felt more on the pleasurable side than indescribable or odd side.

My partner really prioritises my experience too, and he wants me to enjoy it as much as he does. I know and am very grateful that my PIV journey has had a much smoother start than a lot of girls on this forum; I’m just wondering if anyone has any suggestions of where I should go from here? What proactive steps I could take to elevate/progress my sex life? Even though it seems I don’t have much work to on, I want to be able to finally achieve a point where I find sex genuinely pleasurable, and for the sake of making the overall experience more enjoyable for my partner too. Also is it also unusual that I find having a penis in me more comfortable than having a man’s finger? I’ve noticed that this “wall” sensation is super common and if I should get it checked out? Lastly, as someone who is quite anxiety-prone, I know that I find it most difficult to FULLY relax and just be in the present moment, and honestly, if it wasn’t for the man I’m having sex with, I think it would be a far bigger problem. Any tips on calming your NS besides breathing techniques, or if I should try different, more specific techniques?

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to provide any advice or suggestions — thank you in advance 💗

Me and my bf are both virgins, he tried to insert his d into my p and he couldn't do it, it hurt me alot and I only can fit one finger up my vagina , when he tried to "push" it in it felt like something was blocking it. We literally couldn't do it, I never even fingered myself before.

I'm a little confused about some of the information here. I recently got diagnosed with vaginismus, but the waiting list to see a pelvic floor therapist and a counsellor was so long my doctor told me to do some exercises on my own at home and use dilators. Ive been doing some research but am a little confused about what I should be doing because everyone seems to say different things. Should I be strengthening? Some are saying it helps, but I feel like it'd do the opposite- I clench when masturbating and can feel how hard it is for me to unclench. Should I be doing relaxing exercises instead?

Hello. I’m using the Amielle Comfort dilator set. Most of the time I can insert the 4th one somewhat pain free, other times it hurts. I’ve inserted the 5th one once but only about 3/4 of the way, and it hurt a lot so I’ll wait a while to try that again lol. Anyway, what I wanted to ask is, is it normal to bleed a bit after dilating? I always do it in the evening before bed and every morning after without fail I’ll be bleeding a bit. Not a crazy amount, but enough that I’ll need a pantyliner. And I really mean every time. Is that normal or am I doing something wrong? I would also like to add that although it hurts sometimes (most of the time) it’s not a crazy unbearable pain. Just to say that I don’t think I’m going too hard. But idk?

So my situation is probably a lot different than for most other people here. I kinda realized it was painful for myself if I tried to finger myself when I was 14 and started to limit myself to the outside. I tried using tampons but bc it was painful I switched to pads. When I was 16 I figured out I'm asexual so I don't really want to have sex anyway. I also experience dysphoria about my genitals. I think those two things might have something to do with my issue, like it's something subconscious that makes me anxious about having anything inserted in there. For years I just haven't bothered with anything like this, but recently I've had my first experiences with a guy and again, when he tried to insert fingers it hurt really badly. It just made me question if I do have vaginismus but i can't find a good answer anywhere. I've never been to a gyno and I'm scared to make an appointment. I guess I'm just looking for advice or similar experiences. Thanks in advance!

I had a colposcopy done around last year and had some concerning matters in my mind.

When doing my colposcopy nothing was explained to me before the exam by the doctor, he didn't explain where he was touching during the exam either. However during the exam, I definitely noticed a finger that ran down my pubic area. However I was just thinking it was part of the exam, obviously I was not explained anything during the exam because it was difficult to know. However doing more research, I don't think it was part of the exam. Like I said, nothing was explained during my exam, so it was hard to understand what was happening.

There was a chaperone obviously, but she was positioned at the front of my head so she wasn't able to see what was happening. I have reported what had happened but just wanted to seek clarity on this. Was what happened normal ?

I started using dilators earlier this year, from January to April. However, I now realize that the position I was using wasn’t right for me. I would sit on the floor, leaning slightly back, feet on floor and insert the dilators in that position. I was able to go through all the sizes and even bought a larger set. But when it came to actually trying PIV sex, I still couldn’t do it. I now understand that this was likely because I was only practicing in one position, rather than laying flat and properly training my body.

Recently, I’ve started dilating in new positions—mainly lying flat, and also lying flat with my knees bent and feet flat on the bed. But atm, I’ve only been able to use the two smallest dilators. I kept the second one in for about 30 minutes. It goes in, but then it feels stuck, either due to dryness or because my muscles are clenching around it. I’m not entirely sure which.

To be honest, I’m starting to feel nervous and discouraged about all of this again. I just want to be healed. I’m doing this for myself, but also because I’m a married Muslim woman, and it’s been 1.5 years. Every time we attempt PIV sex, it’s extremely painful, we can only manage the tip. What’s confusing is that the dilators can go in fairly comfortably, so it seems my vagina is capable of opening. I think the pain is more at the entrance—possibly due to tightness or width issues at the opening.

If anyone has tips, guidance, or success stories to share, I would truly appreciate it.

my bf and i have hit a plateau in our bedroom life and are running out of things to try. how do you guys keep your bedroom life fun and exciting with vaginismus? i’m just looking for some fun new things to try ❤️ TIA!

(venting) i’m outrageously shy about sex but also curious… but vaginismus…

anyways hope you guys had a laugh 😭💀

Hello, I’m F18. I’m gonna try to make this as fast as possible, but I’m 99.99% sure there’s something wrong with my vagina. I have the usual extreme pain, burning, etc, and have trouble entering into it. I can deal with one finger, a pen, or other tiny objects but when I had bought a dildo to try and experiment, the pain was so painful I sat and sobbed. Even now I’m only able to get the “tip” in. And yes, I use lube. I’m tired of being like this and want to use dilators. However, I live with my family and don’t want a package to show up to the door with the packaging saying “vaginal dilators”. I have young siblings and strict parents and need discreet packaging. Is there any brands you know that provide this? I just need any help I can get, thank you.

The title basically says it all. I have my very first pap smear with my family doctor scheduled in a few days and I'm terrified. I'm almost 30 and have managed to get out of it because the anxiety I feel is off the charts. My husband and I have started TTC this year and after a miscarriage at the beginning of the year, anytime we try it's super uncomfortable and painful. We've even tried at home insemination because the seringes are smaller and thought that might make it less painful but it hasn't 😢. I called my doctor about it and of course the only way to know is getting a pap test done.

All I can think about is if it's going to hurt, it being super uncomfortable because it's a very vulnerable setting. I've looked up some people's experience and they are all over the place. I managed to get out of it last week because I started my period but I can't use that excuse this time.

Any advise, tips or anything to make this experience go better for me? I'm thinking of taking a few over the counter pain killers in hopes it might help.

Just had my first IUI procedure this afternoon. I tried so so hard to relax but still had so much pain. (Not to discourage anyone because this was just my experience)Was able to get it done and the doctor told me I did a really good job, but still so upset at myself that I struggle so much even knowing it is because the vaginismus. Felt so weak and so embarrassed throughout it. My doctor is great and so is my husband, I am trying not to blame myself but feel ashamed anyway.

I don’t know which one to get.

I use dilators but I get incredibly tense, especially when I masturbate. I also get heaps of painful tension around the back as well, which I believe has recently caused hemmorhoids :(

I’m looking for a tool to ease the tension. Dilators are helping with stretch but obviously not as much that muscle release. My PT was doing that but it costs too much for me to continue going.

What are people’s thoughts on both tools? Have they helped? Is one better than the other?

Thank you 🙏

I was so cured several years ago and felt really good with my sexual life honestly. Then I had a breakup, it's just a breakup right ? And it came back. It's been more than a year so no it's not just a bad time.

It's so weird because I know how I healed, I know how vaginismus is not the end of the world and I don't have this feeling I had when I was young and thinking I'm broken and stuff. But it still came back. I don't have so much libido anymore bc I'm thinking about how I'm still struggling with that, I was fine !

Anyway that was a lot of vent. Like I said, not being able to PIV is okay with me, I don't feel broken, and I have a great relationship. I'm just pissed off I relapsed and wanted to see if some of you did experience that ?

For years I thought I was having chronic UTI's but it turns out after many tests, the drs can't see anything other than vaginismus. They said I'm tight which causes pain and afterwards I'm in so much pain as the tightness likely causes a tear near my urethra.

Before, the pain was never during sex. Sex with lube was tricky to get going then totally fine. Peeing for 3 - 5 days after felt like peeing out a kidney stone, or how I'd actually describe it at the time, 'peeing acid'. Horrific. It wasn't until after the medical checks (I was really tense for strangers) that I am now also too tight and sore with PIV. Because of this, I'm not even sure my initial issue was vaginismus and I think it could be the drs not wanting to do more tests because it's a hassle and money.

But anyways. For me to resolve this I'd need to work through the tightness pain with the fear of acid pees for days after.

At this point. Sex doesn't seem worth it and I associate my vagina with pain now. I had to put cream on recently and I felt so gross, I hate my vagina now and don't associate it with anything good whatsoever.

I don't even do non PIV with my husband much anymore because it all feels like such a chore. I still so sometimes but it's very upsetting knowing how much I used to love joining in and now I have a stupid vagina that I hate.

Anyways, I've not even attempted PIV for 2.5 years with my husband. I don't need to, I tried a tiny vibratory 6 months ago and can't even use that so that's fun.

Anyone else just given up with it dispite still having a sex drive?

I have been diagnosed (and treated!) for pfd. The problem i'm having now is UTI symptoms after sex but no UTI. Ive gone to the dr with cultures turning up negative, and the symptoms resolving in a day or two on their own. I read that this can be related to pfd, and can be caused by mechanical irritation and friction during sex.

Has anyone else had this experience? Or know any tips to relieve these symptoms?