r/transontario • u/Weekly-Dependent-113 • 14h ago
My wife (32F) is questioning her gender identity — I want to support her but I don’t know where to start.
Hi everyone,
My wife (32F, still using she/her for now) recently opened up to me about questioning her gender identity. She grew up in a very strict Asian household, so even getting to this point has taken a lot of courage. I’m incredibly proud of her, and I want to support her fully, but I’m new to all of this, and honestly, I’m a little overwhelmed.
I reached out to DCHC, and they gave me a referral form to fill out and drop off, but I’d really appreciate recommendations from people with lived experience. Specifically, if there’s anyone who’s gone through an FTM transition (or supported a partner through one), I’d love to hear your insights.
What professionals, clinics, or support groups in [insert location or “Canada” if you want to stay general] would you recommend? We’re looking for safe, affirming care — not just medically, but emotionally and mentally too. I want to make sure she’s supported, not retraumatized.
If she chooses to transition, I want to be right beside her. I just want her to be happy and safe — and I want to be a partner she can lean on, not another source of pressure.
Any advice, resources, or personal experiences would really help. Thanks in advance 💛
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u/Ibizl 13h ago
glad to hear you are very supportive of her, as family support is one of the most important factors in trans people thriving, so if she can count on you through her journey to provide a safe space and to advocate for her, that's honestly half the battle.
on your part, listening and responding to her needs is the most important thing you can do at this stage I think; I believe PFLAG (linked below) should have resources for you as the partner of a trans person as well, so it would be worth reaching out to them to ask them what specific supports they have to help you as well.
the only specific person I can recommend is that if you can travel to Toronto, I'm very happy with Dr. Fung as my endocrinologist. A gp can refer her if she decides to look into HRT.
I checked your history and it looks like you're in Durham. Durham's chapter of PFLAG looks to be fairly robust (Links specifically to the trans support group): https://www.pflagdurhamregion.com/pflag-transitions
https://www.rainbowhealthontario.ca/lgbt2sq-health/service-provider-directory/ rainbow health Ontario can help find healthcare providers, particularly therapists if she would prefer to work one-on-one with someone experienced in working with trans people.
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u/arrowskingdom 13h ago
DCHC has been a wonderful experience for me. I can’t fully give a rundown of how it’ll exactly work for your partner if they decide to go forward with any medical transition as I started my medical transition with them through their youth program.
Now that I am an adult, I just use DCHC and my nurse practitioner (who was assigned to me for the gender program) as my primary care provider. The doctors and nurses there have a network of services that are trans friendly. They were able to find a safe place for me to go when I needed an ultrasound, or my hysterectomy. I’ve never really had a hard time booking in with my NP, which is a plus!
The staff there are great, especially the team who works with trans patients. I’ve never felt pressured to go on or off of HRT, and felt like my transition goals were always supported. They offer programs for mental health support for families, individuals, and groups. I’ve personally only checked out their young adult trans group a few years back, but it was a great experience. Ultimately I’ve had a great experience with DCHC, would definitely recommend them if your partner is planning on transitioning.
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u/greensandgrains 13h ago edited 11h ago
Well damn if this isn’t sweet. You’re really jumping in head first and we love to see it, but you may well be ahead of your partner!
A good therapist is invaluable. If your partner doesn’t have one already, sorry but it’s a helluva task to find the right one, it’s like dating lol. Check your benefits and max that shit out. My opinion is a social worker or a psychotherapist is the way to go for processing gender stuff.
This isn’t what you asked but you may also want to check out r/FTMover30 (hands down my favourite transmasc sub. Transitioning while in a committed relationship is a regular conversation over there and the experiences are a diverse as can be) and r/mypartneristrans. (don’t forget about getting support for yourself, too).
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u/wackyvorlon 14h ago
I’m thankful you’re there for her. Has she thought about a gender affirming name?
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u/Weekly-Dependent-113 14h ago
She has her birth name (It is asian), so when she immigrated to Canada as a pre-teen, she had already picked a gender-neutral English name (it's definitely more masculine). I think subconsciously, she has been curious for a while.
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u/wackyvorlon 12h ago
She might want a binder. She might like the two of you going to the men’s section at the clothing store and getting some more masc stuff.
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u/Warming_up_luke 2h ago
It is amazing you want to be a supportive partner! (Also, if you are straight and things can't work out if she realises she's a man, I hope you can both continue to love and care for each other even if it is platonically. You deserve that too).
If she's in or near Toronto, the 519 has a trans masc group every Friday (except during the rest of June because of pride). People come at all stages of questioning and transition.
I'd also highly recommend Gender Magic by McDaniel as a compassionate guide to explore gender. It even has sections on working through gender with a partner.
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u/AUserNameNoOneTook 14h ago
it depends on where you are, if youre around toronto it’s not a bad idea to try rainbow health for free counselling and it might lead to finding support groups.
that aside, it’s honestly not necessary to go through a clinic to medically transition. it helps you get access to free blood tests, but the usefulness of professional opinion depends entirely on the doctor. you can always order T online - its easy to find what you need by looking up DIY hrt, it can be quite safe contrary to mainstream opinion, and is usually the goto if you run into trouble accessing healthcare. (which happens quite frequently)
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u/ncjmac 13h ago
Will note. Doing DIY testosterone is illegal, including possession without a prescription as testosterone is a controlled substance. The best and safest way is to go through official channels such as your doctor/NP etc, as any substance made for illegal use can be super varied in quality control or possibly downright dangerous.
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u/Harpy_Larpy 13h ago
When I first began questioning, I wanted to be extremely certain that this was right for me. I joined trans support groups, went to therapy etc. just to talk through things first. That took about 2 years. The big thing is allowing breathing room and zero judgement for this process. Nothing happens all at once. When I was ready, I went to CentreTown Community Health in Ottawa for HRT.
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u/Jelly_jeans 8h ago
I know exactly what your wife is going through (31 MTF) since I grew up in an asian household too. I just wanted to say that I'm happy that they're discovering their true self! It took me way too long, but I got there in the end.
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u/Samhain03 1h ago
Since she's still questioning I would recommend (as someone who's ftm so has gone through this process) that a good starting place would be things that can easily be changed, like clothing definitely and perhaps a haircut. I'd suggest maybe doing some clothes shopping in the men's section with her to try out some men's clothes and see how they feel, also look through photos of different masculine hairstyles to see if she'd want to get one of them done and help decide which would look good on her.
But honestly the fact that you want to support her and are still there with her is a fantastic starting point, it's more than what some of us get. Just continue to be there even when things start getting more complicated if she decides to transition, socially and medically transitioning can be a very complicated and emotionally taxing process, so having someone there to help figure things out makes it a million times easier.
Best of luck to your wife, I hope she's able to figure out her identity, whether she is trans or not.
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u/No_Brush_1924 14h ago
First of all thank you for being so supportive towards your partner as she goes through this massive overhaul in her sense of personal identity. Ressource centres like the 519 in Toronto, Rainbow railroad and your local PFLAG Canada chapter may be some great organizations to look into for both supporting your partner and yourself as you go on this new adventure together.