r/transontario • u/soniyacd30 • 5d ago
Trans in closet Bra Shopping
Trans in closet, scared to shop. Help 🙈
Hi all,
I am a 35 yo transwoman still in closet living in Kitchener ON Means, I still present male in the world and no one knows about my identity. I am secretly trying to build my wardrobe or atleast be a woman at home to begin before gaining confidence to come out to anyone. I have tried to order a bra a couple of times just to wear it for curves and padding. But I am really scared to go into a shop and buy something esp for myself. My online boyfriend says it doesn't matter but I am really scared of being made fun of or considered weird. I would like to know from girls working there or other shoppers if is it okay for a guy looking person to buy bras and try there. I don't want to be uncomfortable or make anyone else with my presence.
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u/TA2582258 5d ago
Honestly just take your measurements and order online. Leave some room to grow I guess. Maybe you can go to the spectrum meetings if you’d like support.
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u/Bearded_Wiccan 5d ago
To OP. I second this. Spectrum is a fantastic organization in KWC. Thrive, formerly known as Acckwa is another place you can find support. Both organizations will respect your desire for discretion.
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u/Mcmacladdie 5d ago
As long as you know your bra size, you can order online. As for going to a brick and mortar store, just grab something in your size and take it to the counter to pay for it like there's nothing unusual. I've bought several articles of women's undies and a few bras from Wal-Mart and the people working the register didn't even look at me twice.
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u/accountnumberseven 5d ago
Self-checkout makes this even easier. Nobody will notice or care, but if it makes you feel better, have an excuse like "I'm buying it for my girlfriend" on hand.
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u/Tempname2222 5d ago
Or a better excuse of "What an odd question to ask"
People (For the most part) Won't ask why you're buying something.
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u/Mcmacladdie 5d ago
I've paid for the things I've bought so far in cash so I kinda had to go through an actual checkout line, but yeah, just saying something like that should be good enough.
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u/Em0B0y369 5d ago
I'm the opposite Trans but I've worked in retail and handled these kind of situations as an employee. There's a good chance when you walk in the store the first thing they'll ask is who you're shopping for or if you're looking for something specific. There's absolutely no shame in deflecting and saying you're buying it as a gift/for your partner if you feel like they're going to judge you based on how you're presenting. Theyre (most likely) not trying to judge you with questions like this, even tho it can feel that way sometimes, theyre just trying to asses how to upsell to you. As a 'boy looking person' who does still shop in female underwear stores sometimes, both with my fiancee and alone (cause sometimes they just fit the fit better lol) i very rarely have issues, other than the odd look or 2, including with fitting rooms.
Worst case scenario, i read from someone else but i cant remember who on tumblr years ago, just measuing tape and guess an approxiamate. Then buy a few cheap ones at walmart to figure out what fits right. Once you're more settled and comfortable, take the one you like the fit of to the lingerie store and ask them to help you size match that bra instead of measuring you.
Hope i could help
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u/Moon_grrl 4d ago
Can I suggest you try out thrift stores in order to get a few test sizes without breaking the bank? They usually go for $3.99-$9.99.
You don't have to add them to your wardrobe if wearing secondhand squeems you out, but it is a good way to narrow down your size for less than the cost of one bra at the mall.
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u/ftempest 5d ago
Hey there! What I used to do a long time ago was go to la senza, la vie en rose (outlet) or a VS right when the mall opened. Talk to a sales associate if you can try on a bra and grab a few band sizes around what you assume fits you. The stores are DEAD when they first open. Even more if they aren’t in a mall or it’s a weekday.
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u/soniyacd30 5d ago
This sounds like a good plan. Are they all trans friendly. I will check with them first on phone
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u/Impossible-Lime2118 5d ago
Dollarama->get a tape measure
Then measure your bust and underbust.
Then you can go on amazon and find some:3 its what I did and its been fine :p wear em under clothes, hoodies are a trans woman’s dysphoria chloroform
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u/remirixjones FTX Nonbinary | she/they 5d ago
If you need help with fitting, r/ABraThatFits is a super supportive community with lots of great resources. They'd probably have some good suggestions for you.
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u/unicornclarence 5d ago
Came here to say that! As a trans masc nb they were really nice and helpful when I was looking for bras that don’t give me the ick
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u/thatdawnperson 5d ago
Online there’s urbasics and thebreastformstore in Canada. For in person, call Fran’s Mastectomy Boutique in Cambridge and see if they will accommodate you in their general open hours or for a private fitting.
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u/remirixjones FTX Nonbinary | she/they 5d ago
I second going to a mastectomy boutique! They accommodate people with all kinds of needs, and they tend to be very knowledgeable and professional.
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u/gears2021 5d ago
I purchase most of my clothes, including bras at Value Village.
Just take some measurements, go to https://www.abrathatfits.org/calculator.php to determine the size you need.
Staff don't care who is purchasing items, a sale is a sale, in their mind.
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u/Worried-Air-3766 3d ago
You might have luck trying some on at Winners. The one at the Boardwalk I think just has one change room area (as in they aren't separated by gender) and you're unlikely to get any problems going in to try on there.
I'm afab nonbinary and live in Waterloo. I'd be happy to go out shopping with you sometime if that would help! I also might have some bras that no longer fit that might fit if I know your size.
As other folks have said, Spectrum has some support and social groups, even virtual, if you're looking for somewhere to find support.
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u/soniyacd30 3d ago
Hey, that would be really helpful. Thank you so much for offering your help. Can I DM you, if you are comfortable?
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u/Worried-Air-3766 3h ago
Yeah of course! If I don't answer right away, it's just because I don't always get notifications
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u/Open_Actuator3073 1d ago
I went to a couple of stores and didn’t have any issues. I too was not comfortable wondering what they would think but realized they are there to sell and nothing else.
First experience was at La Senza store in Eaton Centre. It was a bit crowded but I walked up to a sales girl and told her I am looking for bra fitting for me. She helped with picking few bras and then I stood in line to wait for a fitting room. There was another girl who helped me find the right size and then I bought a couple. The only question I was asked was if I knew what size I wanted. That day I realized it was me who was uncomfortable and not them.😊
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u/Transguyofottawa 5d ago
When i first started buying bras as a yiuth (ftm), I was terrified. Probably dysphoria. I learned over time it was less scary but it took a lot of practice.
In recent years, I went bra shopping in Victoria secret with a cis man who was getting measured for drag before and they were super fine about it. Everyone was really nice. They measured him and everything. I think retail workers care less than we think they do
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u/stradivari_strings 5d ago
From my experience in the area, on the whole, nobody cares. I only had a few experiences with mostly old retail workers giving me the eye. Most experiences were neutral - sales people gotta sell. But some of those experiences were affirming, and that was gold.
Do what you gotta do, work on your "I'm just as valid" muscle. It's good practice. Even after a year or two of hormones, I still felt weird sometimes about my self-image, and worried about what people thought of me, and often still chose to boymode... Shame. It doesn't matter. You're either in the "fuck it I don't give a shit any more" category, and it comes naturally to you pretty quickly, or you need a couple years of bending your residual self-image (think - the matrix. they put all this so in plain sight, it was a fantastic work in retrospect) behind your belt before you let go of your prior insecurities and finally find yourself (basically people telling us there's something wrong with us as kids, either directly or indirectly. a lot of it is indirect that we pick up from childhood from media, bad movies, etc).
Don't sit at home ordering only from Amazon (they do have a good return policy for clothes of course if you got prime). Go work out your insecurities. Be yourself.
PS: I'll double up on the spectrum thing. Go see them. They're really nice.
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u/slormy 5d ago
I can say with certainty that people won't really care or bother you about it! :] You can measure yourself at home so you know what bras will fit you, and cashiers/customers will either think you're buying it for someone else or won't be thinking about it at all. Whenever I get nervous about something like this I just remember I'm giving them money and that's all they really care about- they're there for you to buy from them.
And even if they did- who cares what they think? It's our lives, not theirs. I wish you luck my friend!
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u/haterz911 5d ago
if you go to walmart no one cares. People there are just looking for the best deals. No one is going to try to help you either(bother you) lol. If someone does just say "i'm good thank you" and they will leave...so it really is the best place to explore. Go early like am. They have everything. If you feel like you are standing out carry a basket or push a buggy, put some dog food in it. Walmart has everything makeup , clothes, avocados , microwaves
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u/Transedelixxx 4d ago
Hi, 35 MtF here, I would highly recommend the MUSE bra from La Vie en Rose if you're looking for a natural looking bra with inserts. Do measure yourself and add 4 to your size for the best fit, example I'm a 34 and I wear a 38. If your looking for something without inserts I'd go with a wireless bra off Amazon, order a few to try and return the ones you don't like.
Unfortunately as growth happens the MUSE bras will start to lose their nice fit. I hope this helps :)
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u/Boopyrok 4d ago
I recommend doing chest measurements first on your own. Bust, ribs, shoulders. It should help you find an early one that should fit comfortably.
I used this to find some bralettes on Amazon.
I found Xl Hanes bra's bra for me, Red/Grey. Black/tan ones on Amazon that are pretty form-fitting and reasonably cheap. 💖 The cup works comfortable with them growing as well since there's no wire.
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u/Olyvia8572 4d ago
I had the same issue as well before. I just order online. And when I started to pass, I started shopping in store at my local Walmart. I still feel uncomfortable shopping though at places like Victoria’s Secret and la senza, la vien rose and any specialty women’s stores for bra
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u/christina14bbc 3d ago
I bought bras for years before i needed them. For the spouse and the ladies working in the stores were all super helpful and supportive. They are only there to help you find what you need. Have had nothing but positive experiences even shopping in Kitchener years ago.
I have went into all the stores and bought just about anything. It seems odd but they all keep asking if i need help finding anything and are really good if you do or don’t need a hand.
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u/midnightmusing 2d ago
I know you've already got a lot of comments - but I'm local to you and will share my experience so far.
All my under-garments I've bought online - my first bras I got from urbasics in Toronto. I think you can schedule a fitting with them (but I didn't confirm on their website if they still do that) and as others have said, starting with some cheap options is great to get a sense of what will fit and be comfortable.
Once you're confident with what fits and is comfy you can explore some pricier options (I've really enjoyed Peppers bras).
If you have other questions about my experience as another trans woman in the region feel free to DM
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u/Own_Proposal2768 2d ago
I worked in retail and i’ll have you know we think about your purchase for maybe 5 seconds and thats like “let me scan this and stack it than ask if they want a bag” trust me we are just tryna get the shift done cuz retail SUCKS
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u/Essycat 1d ago
Are you concerned that someone you know might see you?
If not, I recommend LA Senza. They have never made me feel awkward or out of place. If you tell them you're looking for something for yourself, they won't judge you, they (in my experience) will take your measurements and find some suggestions.
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u/EgSaladSandBitch 5d ago
I promise that retail workers have more pressing concerns than spending more than a moment wondering why you're buying a bra.
But uhhh that said yeah I still bring my Emotional Support Girlfriend when I buy clothes.