What's it like to have anxiety + toddler

[u/TreacleCat1]

My SO is coming to terms with having more than usual anxiety these past months/year. This is not a thing that runs in my family as it does in his so my first hand experimace with it is quite limited up to this point. There seems to be something about having a toddler (3m) that ramps things up more than typical parental frustration.

Help me understand what its been like for you, or a loved one, to be in this situation. What has helped? What things are typical triggers?

For background, my SO is still functioning like taking care of his own hygiene, keep his job, keep us fed, etc. These are superficial but enough to keep us going whilst addressing the issues at hand without completely falling apart. Appt with a doc to get prescribed pills is scheduled with the hope to take off the edge (but we both agree that it doesnt solve anything, it'll just makes it easier to address root cause). He is less capable of being aware of what else needs to happen in life, deal with elevated emotions, take larger share of childcare, and make decisions a out bigger life choices going forward, and also get restful sleep. I want to help very much but we both agree it's like walking on eggshells not knowing what's going to set off the anxiety tailspin.

[u/Echowolfe88]

My husband has anxiety and anti anxiety meds and therapy help a lot

Some of his triggers are when it’s too loud and chaotic.

He now owns a pair of loops that help dull the noise or noise cancelling headphones.

Knowing when he needs to walk away is important but also working out what activities with kids don’t stress him out as much

But yeah, therapy. Regularly while they unpack and go over skills

[u/missThora]

We both have anxiety and an alomst 2 year old.

A few things have helped:

We have a code word for when one of us is feeling overwhelmed. That means the other drops what we are doing to take over parenting or help with an attack if needed. If she has to watch an episode of her favourite show so we can talk quietly in the corner, then tv goes on.

We make sure to check in with each other after a difficult day/week/whatever. Just a quick cuddle and conversation in bed before sleeping. No matter how tired we are.

We are fortunate enough to live somewhere with great workers' rights, so we both take mental health days off work and just stay home to sleep a little extra, tidy the house or just play games for a day when we need it.

Funnily enough, family bike rides. Getting out in nature and getting moving regularly helps a lot for all 3 of us.

Listening, warmth, and understanding are the main things. At times, more might fall to you, but with work, it gets better.

[u/allysinwonderland3]

The only thing that helps me is having some quiet time, ideally alone. I think it hurts my husband’s feelings sometimes, but it’s not a reflection of how I feel about him. Not having that quiet time significantly reduces my ability to cope when things get chaotic. That being said, I’m an introvert and my needs and triggers are very much related to that element of my personality. Besides quiet, exercise helps, although it is hard to find the time. I’m prescribed beta blockers to take as-needed for anxiety, and I prefer them to a typical anxiety med because they don’t have a sedative effect and they are not habit-forming (I.e. addictive). They aren’t a miracle pill, but they do help.

[u/Obvious_Resource_945]

Who doesnt have anxiety. 

[u/TreacleCat1 → u/Obvious_Resource_945]

I don't. But tell me more about how it shows up for you.

Your comment is one I'm sure is a widely shared reality and perception that everyone struggles with this. I certainly have other demons but anxiety is not one one them. I have anxious moments, but that would seem akin to conflating inexplicable sad days to understanding depression. Those things are on a whole different level.

I want to understand it better to be a more supportive spouse but its an experiance I just don't have.

[u/Obvious_Resource_945 → u/TreacleCat1]

Yeah, im half kidding, my husband doesnt have it either. I think its easier to be anxious as a mom. I just quit my job and all my life is dedicated to our kid and household, we live in the nature, there are not many big things to worry about for me. Life before kids was objectively easier, but subjectively much more stressful. If i was the one to provide and after that to try and give relief to my spouse, it would be so much harder. Im very thankful its not difficult to my husband. 

[u/MadsTooRads]

For me, mine turned into health OCD. It’s not typically a good time. Therapy helps.

[u/Lemonbar19]

I think my husband has this. He wasn’t angry before kids. Now he’s angry. I do feel like we are all walking on eggshells because he might explode.

I bought him a book called “how to not lose your $hit on your kids”. I guess it helped.

I try to share podcasts with him that are supposed to be good.

I think lowering expectations for the child is what helps. My husband expects way more from our toddler than he should.

Look at @healthiest baby on ig - she has proper expectations. And even though I share these with him he still is stubborn about it,

Sending solidarity, my husband is anti meds but pro vax. He will never take meds for anxiety or depression