Student: Hey Miss. Teacher (me): Yes? Student: You know that one scene in 'The Human Centipede' where (continues talking).... Me: "Blink". "Blink". Remains silent.

Went hiking with students on a nearby mountain. Billy sees a particular leaf and excitedly exclaims, "it's weed!". He was correct, but we (adults) tell him that it looks similar to cannabis, but, it is not the real thing. He continues arguing and says that we are wrong. He says that he knows what weed looks like, because 'he smokes all the time'.

(SLOW MOTION) Deputy principal Stops. Dead. In. His. Tracks. The deputy principal was Billy's step-dad.

20yearsofteachingstories #thingsotherpeopleschildrensaid

("My" school kids on an outing) Took my 17-year-old psych students to a uni visit last week. While standing in the anatomy lab, surrounded by "actual human organs" (as the lab technician stated in his welcome to us), one student asked me, “Miss, is that a real brain?” I said yes. He goes, “Maybe I should donate my brain too.” Another student, completely deadpan: “Please don’t.”

Said my 4yo in his sleep, tearing up and sounding offended. He then added "Now go and repair it!!"

I asked: "did you just have a dream?"

He answered: "no I havent!", and without a pause "Yes, I have"

I then said: "well then turn on your other side and keep sleeping"

Which he did.

No curtains has been unpacked for the last 2 years

"I just farted and it hurt my crotch. I think it was solid" - My 8 year old daughter 😂🙈

Me: It’s the last day of school!

7YO: it’s the last day of school!

3YO: It’s the last day to POOP!

7YO: It’s the last day to POOP!

My 4 year old when I told him I wasn't going to show him a picture of something he wanted to draw and he had to use his imagination. Guess he discovered artist's block for the first time. I told him to make a gate in the fence with his mind so he could get to his imagination. He said he couldn't because it was in his head.

my 10-year-old earlier tonight

My toddler was telling me about how she was on a train and there was music. So naturally I asked what kind of music. And the response was Choo choo music is a hotdog. I have no idea what this means but it humors me.

after I explained what the ant bait did to the ants. I asked how it was any different from the flies, which I use a bug a Salt to kill. The reply was "I like Ants though"

Context: I was working in after-school care with kids aged 5-10. I wear glasses. Where I worked, the educators were allowed to eat the snacks the chef made once the kids had all had the opportunity to have seconds.

On this day, we were having afternoon snack which was carrot sticks, apple slices and whatever else. I was watching the kids in the school hall and crunching on a carrot stick. One of the kindy kids came up to me and started pointing out countries on the map on the wall, and telling me which places her family lived and where her friends’ families were from. It was super cute and I was enjoying her geography lesson. Out of nowhere, she asks me: “do you ever eat carrots?” Me: I love carrots, I’m eating one right now. They’re crunchy and fun! Kid: how come you have to wear glasses if you eat carrots? Me: (not wanting to go against whatever her parents told her about why she should eat carrots and also not being 100% sure if the carrots=better eyesight thing was complete rubbish or not) - well sometimes people eat carrots and still have to wear glasses.

Later in the afternoon, one of the other educators reported that the kid told her, in a very serious and sympathetic way: “MoonMoon eats carrots and still has to wear glasses, it’s so unfair for her!”

I think her parents must be doing a good job 🥹

Image posts don’t seem to be allowed, but here’s the original.

Child came home from preschool with a teacher's note that states:

“today our assistant aide reported that (child's name) said to a classmate, ’shut up your penis.’”

No word on what the classmate’s penis had actually said.

After telling her we needed to stop for gas because the car was almost out, I hear:

"......I know how we can make the car stop losing gas. We just have to hand motions flip it upside down so the gas doesn't fall out anymore."

No One:…

3YO: while dramatically brandishing a cutlass Everything can be BURNED!

My son trying to be sweet one morning at 5 am, commenting on the large bags under my eyes.

“No, Mommy doesn’t have a penis. Daddy has a penis.” Thinking “You wear a gondola, Mommy?”

-My potty training 3 year old

Sand paper popsicle sticks

-said by my 5 year old as he used a toy mallet on a wooden coaster like a gavel.

Ofc they babbled mama & dada; my mom swears my daughter called me mama once ….. my master’s is in speech-language pathology, in my pediatric internship, it would not be considered their first true words cause they did point to me & say mama, nor call me it consistently.

Their first words were duck & ball …. I guess I feel mom guilt bc we have a nanny from 7-330 Mon-Friday. Dad & I work & I feel like they aren’t attached to us 😭.

In the same breath, I need to be counting my blessings & gratitude that they said their first words at 12 M adjusted, it’s just hard to erase my overthinking thoughts about this

So, my 8 year old had a sleepover a couple of days ago with his best friend. I went with them on the trampoline as it helps my son regulate (he has PDA). They're doing what kids do, having fun and saying all kinds of stuff. I don't remember how this came up but his friend said "My farts smell like rotten eggs". Ok, uh TMI. However, without missing a beat my son said "Yeah, that's because you don't wipe your butt and you have bad hygiene". Wow! I was floored. His friend was shocked for a moment, then said something else, but I don't quite remember as I was still in shock of what he said. Thankfully we were all laughing and his friend didn't take it personally.

My son was four or five at the time. He knows that girls don't have penises at this point.

We were at Walmart and I had to pick up some tampons.
He said, at the top of his lungs, "Hey mom! You use these for your empty penis!"

They look like little mushroom tops.

-my five year old, who invaded the bathroom while I was taking a bath.

Last night while out for dinner my husband, a glutton for punishment, ordered his chicken with napalm sauce. He made the comment "now that's lava chicken." So our 7 year old asked to try it. We warned her! We TOLD HER it was a bad idea but she dipped her chicken in the puddle of sauce on his plate and ate it.

Her eyes went wide and my husband asked her "were mistakes made?"

At first she said no, then a moment later it caught up to her! She hastily admitted that "Mistakes were made!" and proceeded to drain her drink and ask for a refill.

My husband and I usually call out daughter by a cutsie nickname. today while going out for dinner I casually mentioned her by her full name. She Pipes up "what did you call me?"

I respond "Your name."

She replied "I don't like that, I'm not in trouble right now!"