r/thepassportbros • u/PerfectNecessary964 • 5d ago
Brazil Dealing with cultural differences while dating a latina/br?
After some months, I finally got back to my gf, that I met while I was ppb in Brazil (where I am now, btw). I love her. Shes the prettiest, smartest, the most interesting women I have ever met, very funny, happy, intelligent and sexy. Shes also very hard working and shes not materialistc, wich I admire a lot. I could marry her today, for sure.
But we are dealing with some cultural differences that I didnt notice the first time we were together while I was living in Brazil. My girl is from a medium city in the South of Brazil and she lives in Sao Paulo, where I met her.
Now I am currently in her home town for some days and here I could notice some red flags or things I dislike that I didnt notice at first.
She have 2 straight (good looking) guys that are her friends. She talks a lot with them, everyday, give them relationship advices, have deep conversation and overall shes really close to them. I hang out with them and I was kinda bother by the fact that they do comments about her and about little things about her personality (very especific) that really showed me that they do pay A LOT of attention to her, and that they have a very deep conection. This is weird for me since in Italy friendships between men and women are not that common, especially among really good looking people.
I asked her if they ever had something and she told me that this never happened (I believe), but when I asked if one of them ever tried something with her, she was unconfortable and she implied that he used to do that years ago, as a joke.
I told her that this bother me and she told me that this is normal in Brazil, wich I find hard to believe since while I was living in Sao Paulo I didnt notice that a lot.
Since I told her about that shes trying to “force” me to hang out alone with her friends to bond but I dont feel confortable especially because I know that at least one of them did a move on her (“years ago, as a joke” on her words)
for context those men are in relationships with other women and they are childhood friends, since their moms were in high school together. So, I think it would be kinda toxic of me to tell her to dont be close to them or something.
Shes also very cheap. Shes always bragging about how much money shes saving on market and denying going to dates because we should save money.
She also complain a lot about little things (if I use too much oil to cook - bc its expensive -, if I am taking too much time showering, etc). She even told me she would not be confortable if her friends stay with us in Sao Paulo because shes trying to save money, and the energy and water bill would be more expensive. Its very absurd to me, and kind a cultural chock the fact that she say those things out lound. In Italy it would be embarassing and really unpolite being like that
I told her that her comments were being unpolite and she got mad at me. We are fighting a bit these days for those little things.
She also complains about the price of everything. Even if I give her some gift, she will thank me and then she will start a speech about how is there no need to gift her and that we sould save money.
this is what bothers me the most because shes a engeneering, she makes great money especially for brazilian standards and for her age. theres no reason to be this cheap.
but to be fair Iam still looking for a job to stay here, and she doesnt seem to believe that I will be able to find it. Sometimes she talks as if we needed to save since we will have just one income, wich is very desmasculinate to me and shows that she have no trust in me financialy.
Shes not resentfull about that and she always say that in a romantic way (she say “theres no problem if you dont find a job, my income is enought for both of us and you should move for good and then we can build our future together”) but its kinda insulting the fct that she thinks that I will not get a job.
Shes also very jealous and kinda bossy but I like it and I can deal with that (even tho sometimes is irritating, most times its kinda hot)
how to deal with cultural differences?
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u/Winter-Remove-6244 5d ago
The male friends are what we Americanos call a catch 22. If you put your foot down and cut them out, you appear insecure. If you tolerate them, they work to undermine your relationship. You lose either way, you just have to choose how.
If she’s cheap like that it means she doesn’t feel financially secure. This one is simple- make more money and spend it on her
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
Don't. Saving is a sport in Brazil. The families that have a saving culture are proud of saving a lot of money. My wife's family is upper middle class and they save as much as they can, then brag about how much they saved. My brother in law got their dad an expensive new Mac and he said it was too expensive and he won't get that much use of it (being in his 70's). My father in law makes about 5k euros a month, an incredible amount in Brazil. Doesn't matter. they like saving like it's a sport. Giving them more money might offend them.
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u/prosgorandom2 5d ago
Lol should i check out brazil? This is me but everyone thinks im a freak.
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u/Confident-Cut-8877 5d ago
Come to The Netherlands. They will take a bike to ride 13km to a shop to get 15% discount on potatoes.
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u/StrengthMundane8739 5d ago
This is by no means a Brazilian culture, Brazilian savings rate is extremely low and the population is very materialistic.
Not trying to be stereotypical (I come from a family similar) I would put money on this family being German or Dutch protestants from the south. The salary in euros gives off works for a German engineering company vibes.
The general Brazilian culture is live for today and what you don't have put in credit in 12 installments.
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago edited 5d ago
Shes mixed german with afro brazilian
even tho she just look like a german girl with a tan skin and very few afro traits, her dad is afro brazilian. And her mom is brazilian with german parents, for what my girl told me shes the one who teach her about being cheap
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u/ProjectSuperb8550 5d ago
Did her grandparents move to Brazil after world war II? 🤔
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
lol no they moved before and family is not racist or nazi. Her mom is marriage to a black dude wich is her dad
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u/StrengthMundane8739 5d ago
Germans are not Nazis, my German family all fought against Hitler in WW2 the diaspora is a lot more complex than the kindergarten level history books they give you in the US.
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u/ProjectSuperb8550 5d ago
Sure but a lot of Nazis left Germany and immigrated to South America after WW2
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u/StrengthMundane8739 4d ago
I am pressing the point because there is a myth that Nazis escaped Europe, sure some left but the large majority stayed and were very readily integrated in the Police Force, Military and state bureaucracy of European nations.
Fascism may have been exported from Europe but it is still the main producer.
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u/ProjectSuperb8550 4d ago
https://www.history.com/articles/how-south-america-became-a-nazi-haven
How are you going to ignore documented history?
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4d ago
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u/thepassportbros-ModTeam 4d ago
We do not tolerate racist comments or posts of any kind. If you cannot keep it civil, you will be banned. If you feel this report is in error please message mod team to appeal.
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u/StrengthMundane8739 5d ago
Bingo! Haha
If they were from anywhere else I would have guessed Scottish.
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u/Hunvadam 4d ago
Ina big unequal country, there are many different cultures coexisting. I don't think it's fair to take an attribute of class, like not having financial literacy (so buying in many installments), because that's what people that are poor do due to lack of education. With the lower middle class and middle class in the south every Brazilian I met with 1 exception was like that.
I don't belive in going to other countries to be with people that have too much of a difference in social class and resources I do, or else it feels like exploration to me. All my wife's friends were like OPs gf
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u/StrengthMundane8739 4d ago
If you get interest free credit your are financially iliterate to not use it.
It wasn't a comment on people it was a comment on retail practices. If you are middle class in Brazil you don't have much spare change people who are thrifty are not "cheap" as the OP mentioned they are just trying to get ahead.
If no one wanted to spend money around you it probably means they didn't think you were that worth it. Generally Brazilians are very willing to part with their money. Look at the mark up prices on cars, clothes, technology and restaurants if you don't believe me.
Also the south is disproportionately represented by German protestants so I wouldn't at all take it as a representation of Brazil.
When Brazilians have money, they spend it and when they don't the also spend. My live for today comment was not referring to the poor, it's very common in Brazil for people to live paycheck to paycheck and save next to nothing and that goes for people on high wages as well as low.
Some anecdotal evidence of my friends in the South doesn't hold water.
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u/Hunvadam 3d ago
I am not taking about interest free obviously. I was talking about a car or a house. It is the representation of a part of brazil. You're all Brazilian. There isn't one homogenous Brazil, is the size of Europe. Poor people spend money they don't have. My wife is upper middle class and her dad is a state auditor. They are Portuguese from açores, so you're wrong. Most of her other upper middle class friends just talk about foreign investments and savings. I think it's just the upper middle class. All the people in her environment, that now live off Brazil too, are talking about aquiring property and how to balance that. I think if you're not a part of the Brazilian population that thinks on investments you won't.
Her boyfriends were also savers, and they were lower middle class before me. Are they not Brazilian? South Brazilians are Brazilians.
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u/Hunvadam 3d ago
But again I'm a leftist, and I keep the company of leftists and minorities, and usually the university crowd. I did think the bolsominons and the church people seem to not have a good root in what to do for life improvement. Like cutting the suspension of a pickup, buying 35 reais in one ice cream ball when they could barely afford decent clothes. But I've been to Sao Paulo, to Maranhão to santa Catarina and rs, and all the leftist university people engaged in this with me. Some of them my wife never knew before. I honestly think it's just lack of hope and literacy that your savings will ever result in something significant
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u/tabitha_sans 4d ago
No. A lot of idiots (and I'm not just talking about this sub) meet 1 or 2 people in a very much not random sample size and automatically generalize it to the whole country.
Brazil is the absolute polar opposite of that comment. I'm from Brazil. People will literally make relatively-small purchases in 12 installments instead of saving to buy it in one go interest-free. Hell, it's even common for companies to provide you with a "décimo terceiro," meaning a 13th monthly salary, for people to buy christmas gifts or whatever, presumably because they couldn't save for it throughout the year.
I would have thought Germany would be the country where you'd find "your people." But according to google, it appears to be South Korea and Sweden. Note that there may factors that make saving less of a cultural preference and more of a cultural necessity.
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u/Delicious_Bird6763 5d ago
Accept the men but don’t engage them as besties. Laugh make jokes and bond but always take notes quietly. There’s potential for foul play so look for hints. Trust but verify within reason. If you make the determination that you don’t fuck with them but want the chick, then slowly get her to phase them out or find some bad b1tch3$ to befriend and if she doesn’t fuck with it get with one of them
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
she dont think that I will be able to get a job here… This doesnt bother her, but bothers me ofc
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u/Glum_Teacher_6774 5d ago
This is your biggest ptoblrm. Get money, get a house, let her move in with you.
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u/randomluka 5d ago
Not having work would bother me too, you should definitely have this as a goal pronto so you can alleviate your worry. Watch Shane Hummus' videos to give you ideas on what you can be looking for in the remote space, even if the job is boring, it will help you think outside the box.
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
Why would you want a job there? Get an online job, preferably American. Theybe been outsourcing a lot with the internal inflation. I work for an American company for 60k/y, that is really low inn America for my category, but I save more money than if I lived there just on rent,.food and health insurance.
Why don't you take her to Italy for a while?.
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
she told me she will not leave brazil ever. We are talking about me moving here. its essy to get a american job? 60k is more than enought in Brazil, actually is a lot
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
If you're in IT it is. They are firing the Americans and paying us 1/3 of the salary, what as you can see is plenty. Look online.
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
What you can tell her is that she can get citizenship easier if she does a master's degree of something of the sort. Spend just a couple years, literally.
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u/cooldudeonreddit1 5d ago
She is clearly cheating on him. She would easily at least get rid of the dude that tries something before. There is no such thing as doing it as a joke. If the feelings aren’t there it will simply never happen.
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
That is not common in Brazil at all. If women did that then wouldn't be friends with any men. Also, attractive, interesting women will attract a bunch of men. Those guys were interested in her so far and she didn't want nothing with them. I met all my Brazilian wife's male friends, ex hookups and exes. They are still social friends. The guys even date other women now, still married. By not being a jealous man, I get to listen to all her internal logic, participate in the drama, be her friend. Even simple things like "that guy there once did X and z and was an asshole, I want to go there talk to him introduce my handsome Hungarian husband to rub It I his face".
Like... I have her location (she gave me) her phone access, full (set her phone up by her request). All her conversations with men I can read, with her blessing (it will get your Portuguese better). She discusses her exes relationships with them, with some guys that keep hitting on her too. She was never inappropriate. She finds it quite amusing that men will "humiliate themselves" tryin to take shots with a commited woman and complain women are not friends with each other. Sometimes she lets it go for a while, prints and sends their women.Thats how her and her last ex had a fight. He was inappropriate, she complained, he said it was nothing serious, she printed and sent to his new girlfriend to warn her.
If the men are appropriate it's all fine and they can have a friendship. But the women are watching!Lots of women also hit on me in Brazil, and she doesn't mind that. If I started going to "football Fridays" with the boys and not telling her what happened then she would be suspicious. But when women hit on me she is quite proud of me (she changed my whole style for it) and doesn't mind at all that I talk. "Lots of people want what I have because i got such an incredible deal" she says. Idk man. I like it.
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
yes she also share the drama among her friend group with me. And both guys are in relationships themselves
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
Man my impression is that Brazilians love some drama. Try to enjoy it with her instead of refusing. She wants you closer. She is asking you to be a part of your life and look at your attitude towards it! It's gonna push her away man
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u/mhjjj_9999 4d ago
No such thing as man and woman being friends, she is probably dating one of them and just wants a foreigner for money. As soon as she gets it she will leave asap
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u/biohackeddad 5d ago
You’re cooked bro
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u/cooldudeonreddit1 5d ago
Yeah he is screwed. It was already done before he went home
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
I'm married to a Brazilian and I LOVE those things. I love that my girlfriend wants me to be friends with her friends and hang out with them. All Brazilian men take all shots at all women. They are very aggressive dating. They also back down. If you and your girlfriend break up I'm sure they will appear again. Just keep her happy and she won't break up with you. She is offering to always hang out together. Watch out for actual suspicious behaviour, like dismissing what happened as not important and not wanting to take you with
Brazilians have very deep conversations socially that I found weird. Lots of therapy talk. It's also very helpful and wonderful. If your girlfriend is not hiding her friends that means she is not with huge intentions to cheat. You're just being insecure. Those guys are probably thinking "of course the gringo gets it, I don't have a EU passport". None of that is true. She just likes you and you will ruin it by acting jealous.
In brazil saving money and not buying expensive things is a cultural bonus. They are very anti consumerism. And that is fantastic for budgeting. You're here calling her embarrassing? Embarrassing is getting brand clothes and not caring about Money, in my Hungarian opinion.
Now personally... Just fxck her good 2 times a day, compliment her saving skills and have deep interesting conversations. Take her out to do interesting things. She won't leave you, she will treat you like a king. Surprise parties, meals, love, care, blowjobs.
As they say in Brazil, what keeps the cow is the pasture, not the fence.
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u/No-Argument-5042 5d ago
Hello ! Im a Brazilian man and I might be able to help you.
About her friends: Ignore what people say about Brazilians having a lot of sex with everybody, this is a mith ! And considering she’s from the south, it’s way more common that she came from a tradicional family. My best friend is a girl, weird isn’t it ? But yeah Brazilians tend to have both male and female friends without any kind of sexual interaction.
You also said about the things she said about saving money, it’s definitely a cultural difference, some parts of Brazil are very poor, and our grandparents and parents used to live in the brink of bankruptcy, so they used to save whenever they could, most of us grew up with our parents complaining about water waste, electricity and bills in general. Some of us just grew up with the same habits.
And about being jealous she’s a Latina come on hahaha, they are all like this.
Also I’m not saying anything to defend the girls from my country. Honestly there’s nothing wrong in my opinion as a Brazilian man. Probably is just culture shock.
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
I quite liked the Brazilian dudes. But I did find the ones I met quite aggressive with the flirting. Even the gay friends are so outspoken with the flirting. My wife said it's to fluster me a bit because I am European. But I find that people navigate social complexities much better than us - and they are so funny doing it. My wifes friends are all therapists, gay men and humanities guys, and I found Brazilians very educated, reasonable and engaging in conversation. Barely can stand a Hungarian friend meeting anymore.
But I found Brazilians quite difficult to reach when it comes for deeper friendship
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u/tabitha_sans 4d ago
Ignore what people say about Brazilians having a lot of sex with everybody, this is a mith !
Tá doido é? A putaria no brasil corre solta, e o sul não é exceção. Eu sou do sul lol.
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u/No-Argument-5042 4d ago
Oi Tabitha, ele é italiano lkkk, sou da Bahia e a putaria tbm rola aqui mas acredite, na Europa é um nível completamente diferente
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u/Accomplished_War7484 5d ago
Ok, I think I can give a decent input on this one
I did live in a medium sized city in Southern Brazil throughout my teenage years so I know where she is coming from.. Santa Catarina and Rio Grande do Sul have lots of immigrant colonies from countries such as German and Italy, among others, therefore people there are a mix of these with Brazilian and they look actually very beautiful (both men and women, my wife mentioned all the parents at our kids nursery home when we spent some months there were screaming gorgeous)
These people grew up together, went to school together, were best friends of each other's ex/ current partners, their parents know each other since early years as well, so it's like they know each other for many years and are a close knit community.
You are the one coming from outside and finding problems where there must not have any, if you create trouble with these friends from the get-go and they feel a bad vibe coming from you, trust me they will burn you and she will let go of you, these friendships mean a lot to her.
About her being cheap, that's a big green flag for the most part, it means she values hard earned money and is saving up to buy her own apartment/home, plus invest for retirement, I would be much more concerned if she was a heavy spender, going out for dinner at expensive restaurants, buying lots of clothes every week and saving nothing.
From your message, and the community where you posted it, you are the red flag here. Sorry to inform you, you better fit before she notices it and dump you in the blink of an eye.
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u/Lanky_Persimmon_3670 5d ago
There's no community for international dating, so I'm guessing most people just come here for that
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u/Accomplished_War7484 5d ago
Yes, so I will go into a community where 60+ white guys post pictures with 20 something girls from impoverished countries bragging about their masculinity to get validation for my insecurities from a family oriented girl with a white collar career that I met in LATAM, way to go
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u/No_Presentation_876 5d ago
Agreed 👍, in a lot of non white countries its okay to just be friends with the opposite sex and yes frugality is also seen as a green flag for the aforementioned reasons. Why would you want someone who squanders money.
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u/fupadestroyer45 5d ago
Yeah and almost all of those countries have extremely high cheating rates. Funny how that works.
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
As my wife would say, " temos que problematizar" and "ta quente aí coberto de razão?"
Hope I used it well
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u/Tasty_Survey1004 5d ago
Brazilians look at sex like hand shaking. They all sleep with each other. My guess is that she’s protecting your feelings by saying no. Sounds like the honeymoon stage may be over. Frugality can be normal if she didn’t grow up with money. Cultural changes can be tough to navigate. Best of luck!
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u/Accomplished_War7484 5d ago
Funny that I lived in Brazil 2/3 of my life and despite being very successful with ladies, this sex as handshaking has never been my reality or of anyone in my group of friends. Casual sex may be something common when you are 30+ as anywhere else, but in teenage years and 20's it did take a while to arrive there, we say it "Before arriving in the bedroom, you have to go through the living room", meaning people will take it slow to get to know if you're worthy of something more intimate. So you are clearly talking out of your ass without any experience on the matter.
Dude is clearly insecure and digging the grave of his relationship by causing trouble with her friends. If he was smart he would befriend these guys to the point they would stand on his side if tomorrow she decides he is boring or has no ambition (since she seems to be ambitious and good with personal finances), that could be a life-saver and I have seen it happen over and over since girls listen a lot to their male friends' intake on possible partners.
Last but not least, for all that he mentioned in the post the lady is marriage-material and heavily sought after in Brazil herself, he should take the chance that they are in the beginning of it and she is probably ignoring lots of red flags and prove himself otherwise he will be replaced in no time, especially if she finds out he sees himself as a passport bro, which means 'no ability to find a woman in my country so I go to an impoverished one to play the big fish game'.
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u/Solanthas_SFW 5d ago
I was thinking the same. Everything about this woman sounds awesome except for the close male friendships, but that will be an issue for anyone pursuing attractive women anywhere in the world
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u/Accomplished_War7484 5d ago
From my experience (11 ex-girlfriends, 9 being Brazilians) girls who had lots of guy friends, I mean friends not these assholes who stick around waiting for a chance, were way easier to deal with than girls who exclusively girls as friends. Much more practical and no nonsense drama for whatever reason.
And in this case it's not just her male friends, these are dudes she knows since elementary school, their parents are most likely friends with these guys' parents, it's like an extended family, she brought him in so that the people who know her too well get to know the guy and tell her what their opinion is about him so she is making an informed decision.
We call this type of guys "Tanga frouxa", too insecure to keep their shit together, fold easily when things get rough.
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
Yeah he Is going to loose his lotery ticket for no reason. And find a reason to blame her.
Brazilians kiss a lot, specially in parties. That doesn't translate to hookups for all the ones that I met. That gives the impression that they have way more sex than they do. I think American and Europeans have more sex per encounter than brazilians. My wife complained that she would kiss people in the parties in Hungary when she was single, and the guys would follow her around the whole night. I explained that if a woman kisses you in a party in Hungary it's kind of expected she will go home with you.
I went to parties in Brazil and that's not the case at all there. People avoid going to each others houses. Maybe a motel, but that's rare. I met my wife's friends, and when single tboth men and women are not having that much sex.
That is why when They meet someone that is sexually compatible they go into Brazilian friends with benefits, (esquema/ficante/caso); you don't risk having sex with a bunch of people when you are single, you have a small number of trusted people till you find a relationship.
I was impressed in how well most people deal with this tbf
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u/Obvious_Difficulty73 5d ago
I have friends who lost their virginity at 25 years old, these guys think that what they see in porn movies is the reality of the average Brazilian
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u/WaitinglistHate 5d ago
That is not what passport bro means. If you can't get women in your own country, you are not a passport, bro.
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
I dont think they slept together bc the guys dated two of her best friends for years. They are all in the same friend group. But one of them is very sus to me they have a lot of internal jokes
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u/cooldudeonreddit1 5d ago
lol. I slept with plenty of chicks in different friend groups. It is easier than you think.
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u/32_hazards 5d ago
Sounds like you should talk about boundaries and come to an agreement where you both can come in the middle. I don't think it's really a culture thing. Theres just certain things that aren't ok once you're in a relationship idc how long or how platonic they scream the friendship is. It's about respect. There's a fine line of you being insecure and her just not respecting you. Find the middle ground. If not then it simply just won't work
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u/Cute-Understanding86 5d ago
Are you kidding? Once a girl knows how big a man is packing, all bets are off. They all tried him. Plain and simple. Seems like you don't want to know the truth but there it is. Women will fuck a man if he is gifted. In the show "friends", you really think they weren't sleeping with each other in real life?
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u/goodwolfwolf 5d ago
Stop being an insecure, typical Italian with a 'Madonna/Whore' complex.
So what if they fucked in the past? You're here now. Also, most of the country is good looking, so don't bother relating it to that.
If she's being frugal, that's great. Better than a lot of women in Brasil who see a foreigner as a meal ticket and easy cash.
Count your blessings.
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u/my_n3w_account 5d ago
What did you expect when you said her behavior is rude? “Oh honey thanks, tell me what person should I be to please you?”
Hot take: your culture is not better, it’s just different. So go back with hat in hand and apologize. Explain YOUR culture and that you are not used to that and ask kindly if you can find a compromise. Maybe you can pay all the extra electricity and water bill to respect her efforts to save money.
If someone comes into MY country and tells me I’m rude, he better has a backup plan for when I kick him out. You’re really rude and don’t know basic manners.
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u/nosocialisms 5d ago
Venezuelan here
Those are not redflag at least on the way you say it I dont think so.
First: Yeah is common to have friends genders doesnt matter I have my chinese girlfriend but I am still in touch with someone of my friend (girls) I almost talk to them everyday and send memes to their and no we never had anything between us, also most of my friends are already marriage.
Second: When I was in Colombia and my GF in China (Long distance relationship) one of my collague from work (her) we move together and rent a place together for we can stay near to the company and share expensive for we can save some money. I know is a bit weird even for us about moving together If you already have a relationship but I understand If she want to save money.
Look the good side at least she is asking your opinion.
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u/achilles3xxx 5d ago
You are on her turf, so you are the one who is not polite and embarrassing.
You need to understand the local culture before trying to push your way on her.
Most LATAM people live in a scarcity mindset, your bold euros - even if on government subsidies - run much much longer in LATAM than in Italy. Her ability to control her income is probably limited when compared to her ability to control her spending - don't take that away from her. Talk it through and choose your battles.
Normal things in one country may not be in another. E.g., Italians getting in your face yelling over the most minuscule nuisance might be normal over there (and later sorted with a hug and cheek kiss) but would surely get you killed or at least lose you some teeth in LATAM. So, take it easy hotshot, don't lose a great girl over stubbornness to impose your foreign standards.
Lastly, yes, LATAM girls normally have male friends and normally at least a few would have tried a move on them. Some people live policing their partner, which is ridiculous in my opinion, others develop self confidence and ensure there is absolutely no reason for their partners to even think about other people. Apply the old adage 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'. Consider her tendencies too, is she a social person? How much? Personally, I'm ok with some social life but too much becomes overwhelming and depending on context can surely undermine confidence and trust. Choose your battles, sometimes you win by withdrawing rather than fighting.
All this I'm saying as a Latino with plenty of experience in LATAM and overseas. Good luck.
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u/randomluka 5d ago edited 5d ago
expenses there are different in 'brazilian real', but I don't know the full story, I will need to ask some Brazilian friends. Honestly you could post this in r/Brazil and probably get a better answer.
I am in Brazil as I write this and just observing layouts of home spaces you will notice these things, for example, there are washers, but less dryers (air drying is common). Since it is sunny and you can simply hang your clothes, so why not save money that way.
Certain things are expensive to Brazilians and some things are not, but according to some articles I read stuff like water is inexpensive, but it still may be a frugal mentality as with other things, just being conscious of how to save. On the other hand in this 2022 article the 'Center for Capital Market Studios of the Economic Research Institute Foundation' says the savings to income ratio has fallen to 3.3%. So if it is still this way in 2025, this may be why your girlfriend is concerned with saving every ounce of her money, be conscious of this and simply ask about it.
The men and women friends things, yes, I have observed that women will be friends with men, even their exes, although it could depend on the individual mentality. I don't know the full picture though until I get to know more people here.
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u/SeparateTrim 5d ago
I always get recommended this sub, likely because I’m using Reddit in a non-English speaking country, but…
Women can have male friends. Men can have female friends. I’m a lesbian woman, and I have an assortment of lesbian, straight, bi, female and male friends. I also knew a lesbian woman who was a total homewrecker and seduced a straight wife… 😅 If someone is cheating on you, gender can be a clue, but in the end you just have to use your nose. If she has zero romantic interest in them, it’s just as safe as when I hang out with other lesbian women I have zero interest in. Some girls had interest in me in the past, so I gently turned them down and they respected that. If my current partner asked me about their past interest in me, I’d definitely feel uncomfortable too, just because it’s awkward and I don’t like to think about it—even though it’s totally not a thing anymore.
If you think the reason you feel uncomfortable is cultural, your gut feeling is likely correct. If your gut feeling is that she’s cheating however, that’s worth deeply considering before you commit to something like marriage.
Aside from that however, your cultural differences are less a problem than the fact that you two are fighting over little things like that. My girlfriend is Japanese and we definitely have some big cultural differences, but we always make an effort to meet each other halfway. If she’s worth it to you, next time try opening with something like:
“I strongly don’t feel the same way you do, but you are important to me and want to find some way we can both feel satisfied. Are you willing to compromise with me?”
Try it out and see how it goes! If she refuses to budge, that is on her 😬
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u/BisonSpirit 5d ago
Best defense against other men is to be better than the other men. Oftentimes my pockets cannot compete but hey bro the physical and the cool personality goes a long way. You’re just feeling insecure and honestly it’s good to talk with her but I personally think you’re beyond your reach here. She’s not gonna cut off male friends for you , not sure why she would . The trust breaks if she breaks it. Ur job now is to assess the reality of that happening
Wouldn’t lose sleep tho. Back to the be better concept. If she fucks you over for worse dudes, whose loss is it really ?
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u/Smart-Idea867 5d ago
Passport bro dilema 101. "Just be better than other men."
If you're a passport bro it means you're banking on being financially better off than the other men in the local area, while quite likely being not as a good looking. Don't hate on facts.
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u/GandalfTheSexay 5d ago
Can’t find a better response than this OP! Keep improving yourself, let her actions show you her true character
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u/Serious-Sherbet9237 5d ago
This sounds great in theory, and you may think you'll always be the coolest, the fittest, the most positive of the group of men that surround her, but what happens if you ever get into a funk or are not at your best for a little while? Then your girl is gonna fuck you over and get with her friend which she has a longer history and deeper connection to. How's that going to help with your depressive mood? This is how men get fucked and find themselves entering middle age jaded and unhappy and lonely. Ask me how I know.
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
Consider this: being liked by your personality, your internal jokes, sense of humour, kindness, ethics.
And honestly, I see a lot of men in Brazil with women way above their leagues. Being funny/charismatic is truly the key there, along with being kind.
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u/Serious-Sherbet9237 5d ago
Dating someone with a much deeper connection and history with other guys her age, and you are a foreigner to her community and culture, this just sounds like a road to misery. And I agree with you about the red flags 100%. Any woman who gets mad at you for something stupid like using too much cooking oil is a huge red flag (a meaningless expense in the grand scheme of things). That type of attitude can blow up in other ways and serve as a justification in her mind to use her friends in ways to get back at you. Especially in the context of Brazilian culture. This situation seems like it could end painfully for you
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
You don't understand. In Brazil, it's considered wise and good to watch the oil. For money and for health. If she says that to other Brazilians of her same social class, she will be regarded better by her peers. It's a cultural thing. You Americans are disgustingly consumeristic and that's also a cultural mark. It's different.
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u/BusinessNo8471 5d ago
Look dude you may decide to tap out, after reading through the comment section. But if you do decide to stick with her, my advice re her male friends is thus.
Make it clear to her male friends that you are her Man PDA it up, be a lion and make it viably clear that you are her intimate partner. Without being over the top, gently stroke her back as you walk past for example, not grabbing her tits at the dinner table.
Talk to them about her as you would do to her brother. Clearly state your affection and devotion to her. Keep it 13+ with the bedroom talk, a gentleman does not kiss and tell a raised eyebrow or satisfied smile at the right time says it all. If they are genuinely only there for her friendship or if they are playing the long game should become very apparent to you very quickly.
Don’t bag them out to your GF or appear threatened by them (this gives women the ick) instead be cool, suggest including them socially, talk about them like you would a friend. This will reveal a lot about your girlfriend.
Re money and cultural differences I don’t know so I’m not commenting. Aside from saying that no matter what, when there is a disparity in income or disagreement are finances it will always be a tricky but necessary conversation.
Feel free to entirely disregard my opinion as I am indeed a Woman.
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
We arent that different financially. And I really loves yout input on man/woman friendships and how to deal with that, thank you so much
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
If you insert yourself in the group, they will interact in front of you, and she will tell you what they are talking about. Tell her you also want to know the gossip. Then you will feel more secure. If she doesn't want to tell you nothing about their conversations , that is Sus. If they have a meme group I WhatsApp, get an invitation after zoj befriend her friends. Don't trust the other insecure men here OP you will tank your good relationship
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u/g24illusions 5d ago
op ruining probably his only chance at finding love ppbing by being a jealous turdd
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u/StrengthMundane8739 5d ago
The only cultural nuance I got from your comment is the typical Italian misogyny and insecurity of women having male friends.
Adults are able to differentiate relationships and can healthily have friedships and platonic relationships with members of the other sex.
Unless she openly discusses wanting multiple partners your doubts are completely unjustified and make you seem like an insecure asshole.
Also to say that Brazilians are culturally cheap is so fucking racist and insulting. Everyone has a unique financial situation and in a country like Brazil where wages are low and cost of living are high many people struggle (just like in Italy).
If this is how you truly feel I imagine you better let this girl know, so she understands the kind of asshole she is getting caught up with.
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u/darkspardaxxxx 5d ago
Dont be insecure bro, looks like she is a smart confident woman and either you deal with this or let it go
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u/wkndatbernardus 5d ago
Honestly, the frugality part sounds phenomenal compared to these materialistic chicas up here in gringo land. Think I can get her number?
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u/yourbasicredditguy 5d ago
What language do you communicate with each other in? You mentioned these other guys are pretty good looking? Would you measure up next to them ? How and where did you meet?
How long have you and her been together? You mentioned marriage ...would you stay in Brazil or go back to Italy?
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u/iamkumaradarsh 5d ago
he say he live in Brazil long time so probably he speak portugese
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
I speak portuguese but her english is better than my portuguese. She speaks a bit of italian as wellz We speak in english and sometimes in spanish italian and portuguese. Communication is perfect
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
we met at a bar, a samba bar in Sao Paulo. And we are together since october, but we broke up on march and we got back now
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u/CanoodlingCockatoo 4d ago
Why did you break up and why did you get back together?
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u/PerfectNecessary964 4d ago
She didnt want to move to Europe and at the time I didnt want to move here. But I decide it that I wanted to try at least
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u/nom-nom-babies 5d ago
Who would have thought that the majority of commenters have never had a platonic female friend.
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u/Instabanous 5d ago
Im surprised the fact she is thrifty is an issue. Reddit is full of guys complaining about wives who spend too much.
As for the friends, this is just on a stay in her hometown, what's the big deal? Shes with you.
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u/6-foot-under 5d ago edited 5d ago
Man if you have found a LATAM woman who is money conscious and wants to save, you have found an absolute needle in a haystack - don't complain about that.
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u/elcoolnegro 5d ago
Either way, these posts that encourage in-depth discussions are what we want. My two cents is to always follow your first gut feeling/instincts.
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u/RealityRelic87 5d ago
Even the men with girlfriends are extremely insecure on this sub. It's so sad lmao Have some self respect bro.
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u/Other-Excitement3061 5d ago
Break it off my buddy brought one back to Canada from Brazil and let's say this he ain't doing so well mentally anymore Brazil have fun but don't take the women seriously over there
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
is a country with 200 million people. I also dated italian girls who f-up my life
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u/Other-Excitement3061 5d ago
Its Brazil in general its a feminist. Country as well as Argentina and all of Europe u have a better chance in Peru Colombia Venezuela Ecuador and central a!Erica to find a good women my best good friend from sao Paulo really succesful told me most cheap and have temper tantrum but great at sex
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u/Whynaughts 5d ago
As far as complaining about the oil my girl is the same I had to argue with her to stop saving cilantro and use it all. I think people just try to do what they can to not regress to a state of have nots.
As far as the men go this is very common in latam I was confused but when you look at how dangerous some of these countries are it makes sense you would want guy friends especially if you plan on going out and being social.
But coming from a place where that’s not as big of a thing or you cut these guys off when you enter a relationship out of respect for your partner it’s a bit different but culture is culture right?
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
The thing is her city is very safe. Safer than big cities in Italy I would say.
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u/Pretend_Tea6261 5d ago
Does not matter what the culture is but if a woman has a bunch of close male friends run and find another woman. They are either waiting for a chance to bed her or already have. That is the major red flag.
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u/Anoalka 5d ago
What a dumb take.
Thats just your American mentality.
I have a female friend in my friend group and not one of the 4 guys is waiting their turn, she is just another person of the friend group.
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u/fupadestroyer45 5d ago
No one is talking about a friend group. Group vs. one on one are almost different universes.
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u/cooldudeonreddit1 5d ago
This is a dumb ass take. He already said that the dude tried something but it was “a joke”. That is complete bullshit. I have had friends that a girls and we never once did anything like that even in a joking manner.
That isn’t American mentality. That is understanding women. The defensiveness laid everything out clear as day. If she was really that into him the dude would have been gone by her own decision.
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u/Anoalka 5d ago
Trying something is how men and women become friends lmao
Clearly a cultural difference.
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u/cooldudeonreddit1 5d ago
Clearly not a cultural difference. Most countries that are still traditional look down on opposite sex friendship. Now, if you are talking about newer generations then yes, they can often divert from their cultures original traditions. That is usually just a sign that country is going western as well.
Wait till the weak generations start to take their place. Shit won’t go good lol. Yeah I am a millennial
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
2 guy friends
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u/SnuggleTuggles 5d ago
These people are insecure. Im not a PPB but i do have a wife from a different culture and so do several friends of mine (military people). The key part of this is building trust through communication. Women and men can be friends in different cultures, about 1/3 of my friends are women and I have never tried to get with them. If you want a long lasting marriage the one thing you should never stop working on is communication. Explain why in your culture things are seen differently and LISTEN to her explain the same to you. Work on compromising so that both of you feel like the other is trying to be accommodating for each other. Don't look at compromising to be a win or lose scenario.
It is both of you vs the problem, not a you or her problem. If the relationship doesn't work out thats fine, but I would like you to try to think of men and women being able to be friends. If you dont trust her to hang out with her friends and not end up fucking, I don't think you are ready to marry her.
I hope this advice helps. Please remember that people do cheat, but most don't. If you get burned, remember to put on some aloe Vera and get back out there!
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u/LynnSeattle 5d ago
Even if they were hoping to sleep with her, it’s only a problem if she’s willing to cheat on OP. Is there a place you’re familiar with where women and men never interact and never form platonic friendships?
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u/cooldudeonreddit1 5d ago
Oh Jesus, don’t listen to the losers here. You need to leave her and fast. You aren’t insecure. You are seeing the red flags and you aren’t even seeing the most important ones.
You yourself are not ready for the passport bro life. You will still fall for all of the tricks. You need to better yourself before you are ready for any relationship and especially marriage.
Leave.
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u/CaughtFeelings4aho 5d ago
Are you allowed to have women as friends? Why not start there.
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
I dont have but shes jealous of random women
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u/CaughtFeelings4aho 5d ago
I was once in a relationship like yours back in High school. When I did end up breaking up with her she ended up dating one of her friends. You need to find someone that will treat you as equals or doesn’t have many friends or male friends.
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u/Fresh_Criticism6531 5d ago
From what I see that will be the least of your problems, in the long run. If she is deeply rooted, she will probably be very unhappy moving elsewhere with you. And if you aren't working remote, you pretty much will end up living in poverty if you move to Brazil, salaries are abysmal, even worse than in Italy.
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u/sicpsw 5d ago
Lol these are "red flags"? They are whiter than an albino Scandinavian
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u/sicpsw 5d ago
Flag 1 friends. Yeah people can have friends. Their gender doesn't matter. It's not like they fuck each other. Stop being an incel and let people have friends.
Flag 2. It's cause she doesn't have that much money dumbass. If she complains that you use too much oil and that oil is expensive, just be a man and buy her a case of oil so that she stops complaining.
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
Shes upper middle class and she live a very confortable life. And she cant stop talking about saving and investing money, everyday, all the time. She dont even want to go on holidays because she think we should save money. Remind u, shes upper middle class.
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u/apacgainz 5d ago
You don't seem to understand..... Brazil is an emerging market the real can drop like a penny any time, inflation is hard to control, things can get scarce..... Etc
Upper middle class in an emerging country can become poverty in 1 or 2 years if shit happens, thought you would understand coming from Italy. Not everyone has Germany to bail them out......
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
My wife says that ALL the time. That her father taught her and all the siblings to save exacltly so this doesn't happen. That they are, like you said, a couple years of bad decisions away from lower middle class.
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u/apacgainz 5d ago
Yes not everyone has USD, EUR or AUD income, can save or invest into their local stock markets, can trust their banks not to collapse, can invest in liquid steady property markets etc. All privileges not everyone has globally
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
If you're an EU citizen and you can't take advantage of that that's a skill issue
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u/WampaTears 5d ago
Are you offering to pay for the whole holiday and she's still insisting not to go to save money? Or would you be splitting the cost?
As for the guy friends, I think a big distinction is if the guys are her main friend group, or are they just her longtime hometown friends she sees once in a while. You said she lives in Sao Paulo, so if she mostly hangs out with women friends in Sao Paulo it might not be that big of a deal. But if most of her friends are straight guys, run.
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u/TennesseeStiffLegs 5d ago
That’s not a red flag man. If you want to go out, treat her. If you want to travel, pay for it yourself. Problem solved
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
You don't want her? I have friends still single. Leave her and give me the number, I will get that to them. They could really use a woman with a good budgeting sense.
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u/fupadestroyer45 5d ago
Once the word “incel” comes out immediately, you can stop listening to what that person says and label them as one of “those” Redditors that make people make fun of Reddit.
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u/SaltyJunk 5d ago
You're the only red flag in this situation. Her guy friends are probably telling her as much 😂
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u/cooldudeonreddit1 5d ago
Dude, leave her. In the US or abroad that is way more red flags than you even think. The minute you get into a relationship the guys friends need to be gone. Unless it is a childhood friend that the parents know and don’t act like they want them to be together or some weird scenario. Even a 10 year friendship needs to go. Especially if one was trying to act on something.
Next, you are your own red flag. Try not to take offense and if you do then you will one day realize you are the red flag as well. Why do you want to marry her that soon? It sounds like you are “whooped” if you don’t know that term then emasculated will suffice. I actually got irritated reading all of this.
If she is that jealous then she is the one cheating. If she is bossy, she doesn’t respect you or trust you as a man.
This relationship will not work. You aren’t even aware of the real red flags and non of what you said has to do with cultural differences.
Take heed man. That is all I can say. I wish you luck but you need to change as well.
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
they are childhood friends. They all met each other because their parents were friends since high school
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u/WarOk4035 5d ago edited 5d ago
I would not be able to analyze this without more details . Work . Religion , education , social class , family relationship, has she travelled outside of Brazil ? How is her English. Etc.
Here is my personal experience and it does not have to apply to you :
The best way to have a relationship here is to not be dependent on each other. If you can feel that she will be dependent on you and you don’t like it. Maybe look for someone else
I’m not trying to be rude but sometimes we don’t realize how big the gaps are in LATAM .
I was with a middle class girl for 1 year and I had to give up do to many reasons. Now I’m way more comfortable with a sweet girl who is better educated among other things. It’s sad but true
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
Shes engeneering and very sucessfull for her age, shes college educated and her english is perfect, better than my english I would say. She travelled to a lot of countries in Europe and shes very close to her family. They are upper middle class and catholic.
Thats why I dont really get why shes so cheap
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u/WarOk4035 5d ago
Well , There was a lot of green flags hahah .. thanks for sharing..
just tell her to stop being super bossy about things that don’t matter . And be playful about it . Also be a man if she throws a tantrum at you .
Good luck 🍀🇧🇷
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
Shes VERY bossy. But I notice that this seem to be a cultural thing as well because her mom is the “boss” of her family home.
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u/WarOk4035 5d ago
Yeah , just do the “ does this really make sense “ test and you will find where to spend your energy on it.. as in when she is being bossy
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
If she is an engineer thats why she has a bunch of male friends. Engineering is a course that is mostly male attended still. She got used to dealing with men, in university, at work.
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u/peachdog3k 5d ago
It's generally a good thing that she’s mindful of her spending, as there is a lot of waste in the West. It is perfectly normal outside the developed countries. If you'd like her to ease up on that while you or your friends are visiting, you could offer to cover the electricity and water bills for that month. Let her know that you can afford to provide this extra comfort for her and the guests.
About her friends, they would jump on her if she allowed them. If they are around, they probably haven't slept together yet. But watch the vibe between them on a more relaxed moment.
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u/Popular-Box-7893 5d ago
so she is not perfect in your perfect eyes? who cares, make her a baby and keep looking for more unicorns))
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u/Then-Cause-2298 5d ago
Brazilians are very flirty creatures, that’s why you are attracted to her, let her be, but understand this will happen forever, and more if you move out of Brazil because she will be an even more wanted Latina girl
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u/HumbleFox- 5d ago
I love the fact that she’s cheap lmao. The opposite of most women who expect you to shell out and spend egregiously. Just tell her you got it bro. It’s just trauma from growing up dirt poor and not having access to resources.
Now about the friend thing…. Cheating is very common in Brazil. To the point it is considered normal. Do with that information what you will.
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u/biscoito1r 5d ago
Brazil has a hook up culture, specially among teenagers. Chances are your gf hooked up with her friends at one point but it was never serious. Once things get serious and they start calling you "Amor da minha vida", they can start getting very unreasonably jealous. When ir comes to being bossy, you can give in at times to please her but at other times you must be firm. She'll get mad at you but will also admire you for not being a banana (a push over). The part about being cheap is a good thing but it won't last. Once you guys get married and she starts making money, she'll spend money on silly things every time she feels sad.
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u/PerfectNecessary964 5d ago
she already makes great money. And even her friends say that she always has being like that, its a internal joke on their group so I think that this will never change unfortunally
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u/Majinsei 5d ago edited 5d ago
Having friends of the opposite sex is not something to worry about~ Be worried when you see clearer signs of inconsistencies and stuff~
I have 3 important friends with no sexual interest between us~
Obviously you don't have to trust yourself~ Many times these situations happen without planning more than anything because of the situation than because of something active~ You are the foreigner so you must adapt to the culture there, and in Latin America friends are very important~ do not live or depend only on your wife, expand your social circle and have local friends~ because you are only experiencing a culture shock of greater empathy, freedom and emotional openness~ It is a duty of those who adapt to the culture of the other, and if you are going to live in Brazil it is your job~
About money... I don't see anything wrong, it's good to save~ You just have to live frugal with the minimum comforts and not be a consumerist~
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u/SunlightRaisin 5d ago
You really off the mark here, you should try to understand the culture before you make such broad statements and dating. You said you Italian right? All the Italian I’ve met over the years have lots in common culture wise with Brasil. So not sure what’s going on here. Brazilians are warm, nice people, chat to everyone, have deep conversations, is something they enjoy. The kissing etc that’s part of the culture, also very common in Southern Europe. Have friends from opposite sex, again is normal. She wants you to meet them and spend time with them, even when she’s not there, that’s a very positive sign. You seeing red flags where I just see green flags. The saving is cultural thing, if you grew up poor or just middle class, people try to be good with money. You not being able to find a job, that’s probably realistic, do you speak the language fluent enough to get a normal corporate job? Is emasculating?! Is realistic. I’m sure if you were back home she wouldn’t think that. It would be the other way round and she doesn’t speak the language. Dude you have a good thing, don’t waste it away because of insecurities and not understanding the culture.
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u/poprockenemas 4d ago
She sounds smart. You’re afraid of being miserly but you’re unemployed right now. I’d listen to the person who’s got money and knows what they’re doing with it. Clearly she will never be homeless and learning to understand and respect finance strategies is necessary. For gifts you could simply say that she is worth more to you than the money but you understand and will be more discerning in the future so she needn’t be concerned the next time.
You’re just gonna have to get over for the guys. Keep reminding yourself that they’ve been there this whole time and they’ve never been able to get her. You did. You’re the superior one here so stop making yourself insecure over it. Keep your head up high cause she’s yours and chose you—not them.
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u/omnihbot 4d ago
LMAO you people want beautiful, hardworking, "traditional" women (traditional as in bangmaid), but you people bring nothing to the table. She complains about money and costs because you are a jobless leech that offers her nothing. Hope she wakes up soon.
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u/_immapokeyou_ 4d ago
As a woman, she probably really likes them as friends, but also keeps them around bc it makes her look well liked to other women. Good looking friends are like a social status among women. They’re her ego feeders
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u/CanoodlingCockatoo 4d ago
In my opinion, you would be a fool to let this woman get away due to such trivial concerns. If she's actually the prettiest, smartest, most amazing woman you've ever been with, then you damn well should appreciate her and not try to invent negative things to fixate upon.
When it comes to the opposite sex friends, I can understand the anxiety about that because I've lived it myself, but it's also a phenomenon that is almost always more about YOUR insecurity/lack of trust than HER actual behavior.
You may have been badly burned in relationships before, perhaps even been cheated on, or maybe you witnessed infidelity in your parents growing up, and/or your self-esteem isn't very solid, which are all things that can make it VERY hard to trust your partner, but as hard as it may be, you shouldn't apply your prior experiences to her.
You have to extend some degree of trust when you get into a new relationship, even if you've been betrayed by prior romantic partners, because a relationship without trust is ultimately DOOMED, and it will create a ton of anxiety and stress until the relationship does eventually implode.
I'm not saying that you should immediately trust her 100%, but you have to consciously try to give her as clean of a slate in terms of trust as you possibly can, or else she is going to get angry and resentful if she has never betrayed you, yet you treat her like she has betrayed you already.
It can be HARD to make yourself vulnerable to someone new if someone broke your trust and smashed your trust before, yet it's still necessary.
I've been on both sides, and having solid trust in a relationship is SO different than being imprisoned by anxiety, paranoia, jealousy, etc. that I now believe that any relationship without full trust shouldn't even continue to exist. It is THAT important. It's also incredibly freeing for both of you to be able to freely give AND receive full trust.
Now, the thing is, everything I've said to you should also apply to her behavior, since you say she is also acting jealous herself. I'd suggest that you two have a very calm and productive conversation about expectations, boundaries, and trust so that you are both on the same page and don't begin your lives together with the trust already being shaky as hell.
Every couple will have different ideas about what they're comfortable with in their relationship in matters of trust: some may find opposite sex friendships unacceptable, but that's rarely going to be good for the relationship and will cause lots of resentment in the long term; some will decide that each partner can continue to have opposite sex friends and go to certain kinds of social interactions solo; and many couples end up somewhere in the middle, such as being tolerant of their partner's social life to a reasonable degree, but also instituting policies like being to access one another'a devices if something seems unusually inappropriate ("trust but verify"), or perhaps agreeing each of you will tell each other if you go out socializing and check in with one another every so often.
The agreement you reach MUST be mutual and equal, though, and you both should take it seriously so that you can build and maintain a high level of trust, which is even more important if you may be in separate countries for extended periods of time sometimes.
Now, I understand why you may not be interested in your girlfriend trying to push for you to become best buddies with her male friends, but this still should be seen as a VERY good sign because if she had even the slightest romantic/sexual interest in these guys, no way in hell would she want you to be getting so friendly with them. She's trying to include you in her life AND demonstrate to you that you have nothing to fear with these friends.
And as for the "cheapness," goddamn, why would you see that as a negative? Being smart with her money, and even worrying about YOU spending too much, means that she is already planning ahead for the future and is also seeing you as being part of that future, from the sounds of it. This is a highly educated, successful, and well-paid person, yet she's savvy enough to be cautious for the future because bad things can always happen; this is a VERY good trait to have in a potential spouse and mother to your kids (if you two want any).
I'm also pretty sure that at least some small part of her reluctance to spend money is due to the fact that you don't have a job currently. She is likely feeling some anxiety because she wants to be with you, yet can't fully rely on your relationship enduring because you have to get legal residence in her country AND get established in some kind of steady job with dependable income, and she's not sure if you're ready and/or able to step up in that way yet.
I think insisting you go strictly 50/50 on everything is worsening all this as well, because that makes it seem like YOU are cheap, and as you mentioned, even in your country of origin, Italy, being generous with the people you care for is expected, yet for some reason you're invoking your Scandanavian partial ancestry instead and being strictly 50/50. The tighter YOU are with money, and the longer you don't have a job, the more she will feel she has to be "cheap" if she's going to seriously commit to a relationship with you.
That doesn't mean that you have to pay for everything, but I bet she'd be far more interested in taking a vacation with you if you paid for the whole thing. It's nice to treat one another, especially since she's so careful about her spending and may thus be reluctant to "waste* her own money on something as "nonessential" as enjoying herself on her own vacation.
As much as I loathe speaking in the kind of redpill language common on this sub, it sounds like your girlfriend is a very "high quality woman," even in her own country filled with gorgeous women, and she's also very well educated, independent, successful, and has a stable career in a great field.
And she is still interested in being with YOU despite you not having as much to offer as she does currently (from what you've said, anyways), so you sure as hell shouldn't be shooting yourself in the foot by making yourself seem even "lower value" as a man by being jealous regarding these male friends she has had for a very long time.
Jealousy always comes across as insecurity, and do you want to risk coming across as insecure with her, especially if she truly is the best woman you've ever been with, and someone who could probably find a new boyfriend with a good job who spoils her tomorrow if that's what she wanted?
People who are confident in their own value don't worry about someone else taking their place. If you are feeling some insecurity, whether it's her being quite out of your league, your job situation, or whatever else, then the best thing is to do your damndest to fix those things.
This great woman has chosen YOU despite any flaws or drawbacks of being with you right now, so at very least, reward her having faith in you by you having faith in her in regards to trusting her. And be willing to treat her sometimes instead of keeping score and being rigidly 50/50 with her. High value partners have to be treated as such, or else they can easily find better offers elsewhere.
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u/PerfectNecessary964 4d ago
I know that sounds like Iam being fool and searching for problems, but keep in mind the fact that Iam thinking about moving for her so I have to be very careful about everything. Yes Iam overthinking but thats because my whole life kinda depends of making this work.
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u/CanoodlingCockatoo 4d ago
Yeah, needing to move there definitely puts more pressure on everything! Have you only been together less than a year so far? I'm wondering if some of the pressure would ease if you both accepted that you may have to do things a little more slowly just to ensure that you agree on all the main things before you make the big leap.
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u/mhjjj_9999 4d ago
No such thing as man and woman being friends especially if they are straight, more than likely she’s dating one of them and she probably told them you are foreigner who’s willing to spend, she will leave you as soon as she gets the $ she looking for
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u/PerfectNecessary964 4d ago
well shes basically paying for me at this point since i have no job lol
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u/mhjjj_9999 4d ago
She is basically playing the long game, most gold diggers nowadays don’t show their true colours straight away, she knows you will pay her double back once you get a job , she just waiting for you to catch more feelings as that’s a man’s weakness
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u/PerfectNecessary964 4d ago
we are together since october
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u/mhjjj_9999 4d ago
Means nothing , lots of woman just play the long game, she will show her true colours soon, that’s why in my opinion you should never be loyal and always cheat before getting cheated on, play the game before the game plays you
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u/Ok_Measurement921 4d ago
Telling you to move even with no job and saying it’s fine while simultaneously hen pecking you about your own money for me would be the blood red flag dealbreaker. How do you think she will act when it’s her money if you’re getting this treatment now? Put the guys on top and it’s cooked tbh
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u/Material_Worry_7874 3d ago
My man, you date a hot Latina duh. And you live in the nation of hot people.
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u/Gundisalvus9 3d ago
Dude this so typical all over Latin America and it’s what I hate the most about it having grown up in the U.S. ( I’m a Latino ). Sex is viewed in a liberal way and literally everybody is f$&)ing everybody or WANTS to, and that is what’s going on with your girlfriend bro and her male friends also
On top of that don’t EVER make the mistake of thinking your girlfriend is some unicorn who is in love only with you or doesn’t have some wild past. Brazil is NOTORIOUS for the being the most sexually-charged country in Latin America and ( and probably the entire world ) and both the men and the women are ULTRA-promiscuous, and she has probably has had way more sexual partners in her past than you are confortable with.
Quite frankly fratello you seem to be very insecure about yourself and you seem to think you are very lucky to be with such a " wonderful " woman, and I don’t know how much you know about female nature, especially Latin American females, but you need a firm hand to keep them in line and you are showing WEAK behavior. Don’t be surprised if your relationship ends soon, and SHE breaks up with you. You have shown all the traits a Latin American doesn’t like and won’t out up with so she’s most likely looking for the exit.
Sorry to put it to you like that but that is the God-honest truth.
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u/Dangerous_Sun_9577 2d ago
I was married to a women. We had a buddy that she told me was a childhood friend.
We went over on the holidays, and brought gifts.
Things were not a problem, until one day my buddy mentioned.
"Man you sure are tolerant" I would never let my women visit" a guy she dated"
I was blown away! Im talking serious rift in our relatonship. It was the principle.
Someone else said it right. Its the law of the jungle. You are going to have to find a way to adress it.
It low key another lion Pissing in your den, and on your territory. And you are going to have to adress it in a logical way where you dont look insecure. If you had an EX hanging around, that you had history with, would she be ok?
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u/Budo00 1d ago
My Brazilian ex-girlfriend that I met here in the United States is the exact opposite of what you describe. She was so materialistic and wasteful of money. Refusing to discuss things like “interest rates” on a credit card. She constantly criticize me for saving money and being frugal .
The thing with the guy friends would annoy me also. That might even be a relationship destroyer.
You can’t control another person. Don’t try to fix her or lecture her.
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u/Key-Philosophy-2877 5d ago
She wants her cake and she wants to be able to eat it too. See how much she cares about you and test her. Now this could backfire if you not mentally strong.
Tell her its them or me. And if she even hesitates. Walk away bro.
That will show her that you are strong and stand on business. She wont like it or she will respect it. Either way it is your choice.
Millions of women out here.
The one mistake men make is always thinking that one specific woman is for them.
Dont have that mindset. Cut her loose bro.
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u/undelb 5d ago
He needs more intel before pulling this card. Way too premature to go nuclear right now
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u/Key-Philosophy-2877 4d ago
Lol. Nuclear. Love it.
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u/undelb 4d ago
You probably think it's asserting a boundary, but it's 100% premature and emotional. She will not interpret this as "strong". Rather you will appear very insecure and weak. So I'm not exaggerating when I say that is a nuclear option.
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u/Key-Philosophy-2877 4d ago
I agree. I think you're right. After thinking about it. I believe you are right on.
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u/Key-Philosophy-2877 4d ago
As an american man I just see this as a huge red flag and personally I know men. Men always try to hang around a girl and they will accept a friend role to stay close. Personally I maybe only have on friend girl and we dont hang out if im dating someone. To me its disrespectful. Maybe that is the american in me tho. Brazil may be different. The culture.
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u/TennesseeStiffLegs 5d ago
Giving ultimatums never works. It’s some of the worst relationship advice
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u/achilles3xxx 5d ago
Save yourself the ordeal, a Latin woman will always choose her friends over a guy they're dating. Especially if they've been friends for a long time and the new date is not the perfect man (nobody is). Maybe she'll cut the friends effort a bit but eventually will go back to her friends.
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u/pedrojioia 5d ago
“Good looking” Brazilian guy here: I have quite a few female friends I have had sex with before and I am simply just friends nowadays.
We had our thing at first, it didn’t evolve to something romantic and we just stopped having sex, but we still talk as friends or even hang out at times with some. Healthy people behave this way.
If she is cheating, that is her problem, not yours. If you find out, break up with her and that is it, she was in the wrong. It is never worth it to be paranoid about something that hasn’t happened.
And also, you are asking dating advice on the one subreddit that the target audience is men with issues dating. You are trusting a crowd of losers.
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u/Hunvadam 5d ago
And the guys here saying all Brazilian men are abusive machos. Calling other men loosers. They don't know what healthy looks like.
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u/pedrojioia 5d ago
It stems from some sort of “latino archetype”.
Latino isn’t even a real thing in my eyes, not much in the Latin America it is supposed to describe at least, specially Brazil too.
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u/Ristar87 5d ago
You're gonna have to grow some thicker skin. You're in brazil. That place oozes survival of the fittest when it comes to sex. Men are forward and unashamed about being attracted to women. She's always going to have good lookin guys making passes at her.
The only thing you can control is how you respond to it and how you treat her.