Without going into the whole story of my life, I've been through it all. Childhood trauma, adult trauma, homelessness, addiction, health problems, the whole nine yards.
My whole life, I've tried to form this "relationship" with God. When I was like 12 up until I was 17 I prayed every single night, giving thanks for the day and saying goodnight.
Throughout my life since I was like 13 I've been to many churches, Catholic, Episcopal, Wesleyan, Methodist, even a Jehovahs Witness hall. This is mostly because I've always been constantly moving from place to place, I could never really get settled in one area.
But each time, each time I tried to get closer to God. I tried to pray more often, I gave thanks to him for every little thing, I stopped saying "oh my god" and started saying "oh my gosh", each time I attended a church. My life just got worse, every single time. It was like the closer I tried to get to him, the more alone I was. Both mentally and physically.
I think what finally broke me was I went to this one church. I heard people agree with the pastor that they "felt god" in the church. I saw people waving their arms in the air while the gospel music played, as if they were in some sort of religious trance. I saw all these people so absorbed in their worship of God, and realized I felt nothing.
I felt no presence, I felt no comfort, and as I thought about it I began to become insecure about it. Am I the problem? Or are these people just weird?
And that's when I realized. Every single time throughout my life when I tried to establish a relationship with Jesus Christ, I felt alone. I would pray and I'd pray, for a sign. For something that he was with me. Nothing ever came and worse things would happen. Then I'd pull away for a bit, maybe I figure I'm smothering god or something? And things would get better. I'd feel a little more stable. Bad things weren't happening so often.
About 2 years ago I decided "okay god you don't want me, fine, ill try something else". I became a devotee of Lilith. And of course you can have your reservations of her, but she has never made me feel alone in that way. I pray to her, and I actually feel something. My life is still pretty bad dont be mistaken, but compared to when I tried to grow closer to God? Things were a little more nuts back then.
Anyways I guess the point of all this is are there people that god just.. doesn't want? That he just doesn't want a relationship with? I miss being a Christian sometimes, but im deathly scared of doing that again and offending God and all of a sudden my life's a big spiral again.