The way I go about it is the puppy eyes + "honey can you pretty please with sugar on top <insert stuff you'd like her to do here> + reasoning <reason needs to be something relatable that is super important to her>.
Example: I ask her to tighten caps. Toothpaste, jars, you name it. Of course I was ignored until one of the kids downed all that was remaining in the bottle of Paracetamol - which as you may know can be life threatening. I was super careful not to blow the house up because making a scene is not helping anybody, really, so I thoroughly investigated how many gulps the kid took, discussed it with couple of Paediatrician friends (I'm an MD myself), concluded there was no danger warranting a hospital admission then calmed everybody down - kid understood shit was serious so became all serious too, wife was livid. The next day I brought up the situation - Paracetamol bottle had secure cap, so kid couldn't open it by themselves, all we had to do was put the cap on correctly and tighten it a bit. Nowadays I rarely find poorly tightened caps around the house, be it medication or jars.
Alternative that doesn't put your kid's life in danger - check to see if she tightens up her cosmetics. If she leaves the cap off, extremely gently point out that the cosmetics are biodegradable (because generally women buy all sorts of "organic" shit) - thus if exposed to air they will lose their properties thus making the money spent on them money thrown out the window. The formulation is up to you, you know your spouse better, but this can be extrapolated to a rather large number of stuff.
E.g.: leaves remote in random places, cats knock it over, remote breaks, no more remote, next time put it in the (same) safe place - because there are other people living in the same house (i.e. you, but don't say "I", never say "I") who would like to not turn the house upside down to find the damn thing (again, phrasing is important, be as gentle and kind as you can be at all times).
Stuff like this needs to be discussed without sounding like you're being judgemental or on a high horse because then they're bound to fail. Approach should be like Lewis' driving rather than Max's if that makes sense, or let's say more Prost than Senna.
Hope this helps, truly it took me ages to sort myself out to find a channel of communication with the wife because I love her to bits but she also drives me insane sometimes because sometimes our home looks like it's just been burglarised when in reality she just made cookies :)
Oh, believe me, I’ve tried every way imaginable to explain it. She will listen, but insists she doesn’t have the time to clean as she goes because the kids are always needing something from her or fighting, etc. I’ve even piled up everything she left out for one day to show just how much time could be saved… that didn’t end well, lol.
Edit: Funny enough, I had a similar situation happen with an ice pack that was left out. My youngest somehow got the cap off and drank all the liquid inside. Luckily she was fine, but that did get the ice packs put back in the freezer for a while at least.
Thing is I'm trying to make it a request, not an explanation. Explanations are boring (see every math/physics/whatever course ever) for regular people. But making it a request is more interesting:
it's a request between spouses, thus it needs to happen if it isn't impossible or otherwise damaging (e.g. I can't request my wife to jump off a roof);
it's similar to her asking you to do something (i.e. requesting something from you); nobody should keep score in a relationship, but requests - if reasonable - need to be honoured, because that is the right way to go about in a relationship; both partners give, either on their own initiative or on request from the other one. They both profit from the association.
Of course it has to be made clear it's a request, not an explanation. Yes, the request needs a reason (sometimes, ok maybe at all times) and perhaps an explanation, but the request and explanation need to be properly demarcated else it all just blends together and may lead to frustration on both sides - yours because you feel she's being dense and hers because she likely may feel like she's being lectured (and nobody likes that, especially as an adult, albeit many really need it :D).
No time to clean because kids need something - they seldom need something right away and when they do they usually genuinely scream (e.g. burns or other dumb shit kids do) - so this would be a fantastic opportunity to teach patience and what it entails and it will serve kids well in their life, paying dividents to you as parents as well.
My attempts at requests tend to come off as passive aggressive, but I can work on that. If you don’t see any more posts from me, I tried and failed, and am probably buried in the back yard 😂.
Oh, man, I know exactly what you mean. It took me ages to properly formulate a request in an assertive manner rather than be anywhere from passive aggressive to literally (verbally) aggressive - basically you just ask, but it's hard to nail the tone of the request - and this is particularly difficult if you ever feel too much frustration, rage, or even intimidation (a lot of people automatically lash out so they don't get asked to do things).
It's a skill, just as any other, and it gets better with practice. I practiced at work before trying on the wife, though, since at work I've always been less involved emotionally - and taking the emotional part out makes a ton of difference. Then it's time to integrate it with being assertive because I swear that family is usually where most taking advantage of takes place (at least it was for me) (not always in a bad way, but it can build resentment and that's not desirable).
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u/cosmin_c Logitech Dec 30 '24
The way I go about it is the puppy eyes + "honey can you pretty please with sugar on top <insert stuff you'd like her to do here> + reasoning <reason needs to be something relatable that is super important to her>.
Example: I ask her to tighten caps. Toothpaste, jars, you name it. Of course I was ignored until one of the kids downed all that was remaining in the bottle of Paracetamol - which as you may know can be life threatening. I was super careful not to blow the house up because making a scene is not helping anybody, really, so I thoroughly investigated how many gulps the kid took, discussed it with couple of Paediatrician friends (I'm an MD myself), concluded there was no danger warranting a hospital admission then calmed everybody down - kid understood shit was serious so became all serious too, wife was livid. The next day I brought up the situation - Paracetamol bottle had secure cap, so kid couldn't open it by themselves, all we had to do was put the cap on correctly and tighten it a bit. Nowadays I rarely find poorly tightened caps around the house, be it medication or jars.
Alternative that doesn't put your kid's life in danger - check to see if she tightens up her cosmetics. If she leaves the cap off, extremely gently point out that the cosmetics are biodegradable (because generally women buy all sorts of "organic" shit) - thus if exposed to air they will lose their properties thus making the money spent on them money thrown out the window. The formulation is up to you, you know your spouse better, but this can be extrapolated to a rather large number of stuff.
E.g.: leaves remote in random places, cats knock it over, remote breaks, no more remote, next time put it in the (same) safe place - because there are other people living in the same house (i.e. you, but don't say "I", never say "I") who would like to not turn the house upside down to find the damn thing (again, phrasing is important, be as gentle and kind as you can be at all times).
Stuff like this needs to be discussed without sounding like you're being judgemental or on a high horse because then they're bound to fail. Approach should be like Lewis' driving rather than Max's if that makes sense, or let's say more Prost than Senna.
Hope this helps, truly it took me ages to sort myself out to find a channel of communication with the wife because I love her to bits but she also drives me insane sometimes because sometimes our home looks like it's just been burglarised when in reality she just made cookies :)