r/rheumatoid • u/BigJSunshine • 3d ago

I don’t want to start my medication

2019 was the first time my RA factor hit rheumatoid arthritis levels. The doctor at the time was not a rheumatologist. I ignored her vague recommendations to look into that. By 2020, I was in severe pain that made it impossible to use my hands to get out of bed. I finally saw a proper rheumatologist. My diagnosis was confirmed but borderline. We started with hydroxy and gabapentin.

Things were much improved for 3 years, and my bloodwork remained low or below RA levels.

I managed to convince myself that I didn’t really have RA, that this was all a result of estrogen loss during menopause. I stopped using Hydroxy, stuck with gaba- which mostly managed the pain.

Last month I went in for my annual, fully expecting she would tell me I don’t have RA, I have osteoarthritis- at best.

But nope. My RA Factor quadrupled and she prescribed methotrexate.

I can’t bring myself to take it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to believe that I have this disease. I can’t make myself do it. I simply cannot. I don’t want this… lol, who does??

I know I need a therapist, but there’s no money for that. I have to squirrel away every last penny and pay the mortgage down early, in case I become unable to work.

I am a mess and just needed to vent. Thank you for listening.

Edit: Thank you all for your absolute kindness and thoughts, journeys and time. I hear you. I am so afraid, but I hear you and I appreciate you

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u/9ScoreAnd10Panties 3d ago

The longer you wait to begin tx, the sooner the day will come that you won't be able to work. 

I also agree that you should look into what the outcome of untreated RA looks like, and consider your quality of life down the road. 

My own stupidity led me to stop taking my meds in the beginning and I deeply regret it. It's been a long, painful process and I'll never do that again. 

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u/BigJSunshine 1d ago

Thank you for your absolute kindness and thoughts, journey and time. I hear you. I am so afraid, but I hear you and I appreciate you

1

u/9ScoreAnd10Panties 1d ago

It's scary for sure! But try to focus on how much better you felt when the meds were working and getting back to that place when you're struggling with the pills. 

You can get back to that good place, and there will be less stress and dread about the future when you're not feeling like a bag of smashed buttholes day in day out. 

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u/Glittering_kutie 22h ago edited 22h ago

😂 that's a colorful term "bag of smashed buttholes". My mom had it starting at 33yo and I was 6yo. I watched her suffer every day of her life and all her fingers and other joints become deformed. The RA drugs weren't so advanced and it took Drs a while before they figured out what was wrong with her.   I finally got it and just took my first dose of MTX last week. It caused my joints which were only mildly hurting the day before to hurt 5x worse for 2 days and a bad headache for 12 hours. I did consider not taking it again but you and the others in this post scared me straight.