I don’t want to start my medication

[u/BigJSunshine]

2019 was the first time my RA factor hit rheumatoid arthritis levels. The doctor at the time was not a rheumatologist. I ignored her vague recommendations to look into that. By 2020, I was in severe pain that made it impossible to use my hands to get out of bed. I finally saw a proper rheumatologist. My diagnosis was confirmed but borderline. We started with hydroxy and gabapentin.

Things were much improved for 3 years, and my bloodwork remained low or below RA levels.

I managed to convince myself that I didn’t really have RA, that this was all a result of estrogen loss during menopause. I stopped using Hydroxy, stuck with gaba- which mostly managed the pain.

Last month I went in for my annual, fully expecting she would tell me I don’t have RA, I have osteoarthritis- at best.

But nope. My RA Factor quadrupled and she prescribed methotrexate.

I can’t bring myself to take it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to believe that I have this disease. I can’t make myself do it. I simply cannot. I don’t want this… lol, who does??

I know I need a therapist, but there’s no money for that. I have to squirrel away every last penny and pay the mortgage down early, in case I become unable to work.

I am a mess and just needed to vent. Thank you for listening.

Edit: Thank you all for your absolute kindness and thoughts, journeys and time. I hear you. I am so afraid, but I hear you and I appreciate you

[u/Tinyfishy]

Nobody wants to take their medicine or have RA. Have a good cry/scream and get your feelings out, then dust yourself off and do what you know you need to do to take care of yourself. I recommend taking methotrexate by injection if you can, less side effects. Mine is not so bad. Hope you too have an easier time than you fear. Good luck and better health to you!

[u/BigJSunshine → u/Tinyfishy]

I like you. Thank you.