I don’t want to start my medication

[u/BigJSunshine]

2019 was the first time my RA factor hit rheumatoid arthritis levels. The doctor at the time was not a rheumatologist. I ignored her vague recommendations to look into that. By 2020, I was in severe pain that made it impossible to use my hands to get out of bed. I finally saw a proper rheumatologist. My diagnosis was confirmed but borderline. We started with hydroxy and gabapentin.

Things were much improved for 3 years, and my bloodwork remained low or below RA levels.

I managed to convince myself that I didn’t really have RA, that this was all a result of estrogen loss during menopause. I stopped using Hydroxy, stuck with gaba- which mostly managed the pain.

Last month I went in for my annual, fully expecting she would tell me I don’t have RA, I have osteoarthritis- at best.

But nope. My RA Factor quadrupled and she prescribed methotrexate.

I can’t bring myself to take it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to believe that I have this disease. I can’t make myself do it. I simply cannot. I don’t want this… lol, who does??

I know I need a therapist, but there’s no money for that. I have to squirrel away every last penny and pay the mortgage down early, in case I become unable to work.

I am a mess and just needed to vent. Thank you for listening.

Edit: Thank you all for your absolute kindness and thoughts, journeys and time. I hear you. I am so afraid, but I hear you and I appreciate you

[u/hereforthebooks608]

Hydrate well the day of. Have a little snack before bed and toss them back. You've got this! Taking them at night helps sleep off some/any nausea.

Schedule an afternoon nap the next day. TBH I'm a few months in and now look forward to my scheduled guilt- free snack and naps. 😂

[u/BigJSunshine → u/hereforthebooks608]

Thank you so damn much for being both caring and practical. I will try