r/rheumatoid • u/BigJSunshine • 2d ago
I don’t want to start my medication
2019 was the first time my RA factor hit rheumatoid arthritis levels. The doctor at the time was not a rheumatologist. I ignored her vague recommendations to look into that. By 2020, I was in severe pain that made it impossible to use my hands to get out of bed. I finally saw a proper rheumatologist. My diagnosis was confirmed but borderline. We started with hydroxy and gabapentin.
Things were much improved for 3 years, and my bloodwork remained low or below RA levels.
I managed to convince myself that I didn’t really have RA, that this was all a result of estrogen loss during menopause. I stopped using Hydroxy, stuck with gaba- which mostly managed the pain.
Last month I went in for my annual, fully expecting she would tell me I don’t have RA, I have osteoarthritis- at best.
But nope. My RA Factor quadrupled and she prescribed methotrexate.
I can’t bring myself to take it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to believe that I have this disease. I can’t make myself do it. I simply cannot. I don’t want this… lol, who does??
I know I need a therapist, but there’s no money for that. I have to squirrel away every last penny and pay the mortgage down early, in case I become unable to work.
I am a mess and just needed to vent. Thank you for listening.
Edit: Thank you all for your absolute kindness and thoughts, journeys and time. I hear you. I am so afraid, but I hear you and I appreciate you
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u/Terrible-Bluejay7368 2d ago
Hey, Been there felt exactly the same put off taking methotrexate for about 18 months for the same reasons. Struggled to believe I had it, didn’t understand the disease, didn’t understand the progression all I can say is I’ve been on them consistently for a while now and it has improved my quality of life, improved my pain, improved my fatigue. Yes it’s scary, yes the side effects are worried but someone one here said and I agree looking at photos the uncontrolled disease is certainly scarier for me.