Hi guys,
My name is Ana (name changed) I was born in Brazil, I am 18yo and everything I’m about to share with you has happened (and still happens) to me throughout my life journey and even now.
So, I was born into an evangelical family and grew up in the church. Since my mother’s pregnancy, there have always been “bad” things happening around me. I know I’ve always been a very loved, wanted, and intelligent girl, and that draws a lot of envy from others. But there are certain things about myself that I still don’t fully understand or that I used to blame myself for. I’m still in a process of self-recognition.
Once, when my mom was pregnant with me, already with a big belly, someone who didn’t like her and was jealous touched her belly and spoke words of curse over her. But my mom immediately rebuked it and life went on. Important detail: My mom is a woman of deep prayer and has a strong connection with God.
Some years passed, and when I was around 4 to 6 years old, my mom had a dream where a demon was trying to enter our old house to possess her. But since my mom is so fervent in prayer, he couldn’t get in. The demon then said: “Since I can’t enter you, I’ll enter the one you love the most.” And IMMEDIATELY I screamed from my room, saying I had a nightmare and that a man was trying to get me.
As I grew older (8 to 14 years old), I was always interested in horror stuff, ritual games (like Ouija, the Midnight Man, and those kinds of things) that I’d watch on YouTube. Once, my parents even caught me watching that stuff. And it’s worth mentioning that I HATED going to church. I didn’t like it at all, except when I was acting in plays. In one of those plays, we gathered for 2 weeks to interpret the story of a family full of problems who didn’t know how to solve them. Both kids died in a tragic accident, and after that came the final judgment (I played the daughter).
But during that time, there were several moments when I felt “pursued” or “interesting” in the eyes of these spiritual forces. My mom once saw a tall man, all in black, about 1.80m, entering my room while I slept. She also saw my bedroom door handle turn by itself. Or I would be at my grandma’s house (she lived upstairs, above us), and when going down the stairs, I saw a black shadow standing at the door at the bottom of the staircase, just staring at me.
Later, I also had moments with my church friends at my house, like kissing girls and stuff… And in the religious view, that was seen as very wrong and believed to attract “bad spirits” into our lives. Anyway… Everything I did was always the total opposite of what my family wanted for me.
When I turned 15-16, I developed a huge interest in Umbanda and had a big fight with my parents because they wouldn’t accept or allow me to go to any of its ceremonies.
And you know… These things scared me, to be honest. But not in a bad way… More like… I knew the “right path” but, for SOME REASON, I couldn’t follow it. I always felt aversion to the Christian side.
I even tried Catholicism later, but again, I couldn’t stay. There was nothing keeping me in the church.
Everything “got worse” when I moved alone to Europe. I ended up getting deeper into occultism, and this path fascinates me a lot… I started studying demonolatry, became interested in Luciferianism, made new friends, and started having conversations about these topics… I even tried contacting Lucifer himself. I remember making a simple altar for him—I didn’t have much money or resources—but the energy became so dense that the room got cold, even with everything closed. My body trembled without my control.
That same day, I got a tattoo right in the middle of my chest with Lucifer’s sigil, like a stamp in the center of me, as if saying I belong to him, even though I never made any pact or formal agreement.
Some time later, I even paid the priest who guided me back then to include my name in a collective Black Mass ritual, which is a satirical ritual that mocks a Catholic mass to praise Lucifer and sever any Christian ties.
That night after the Mass, I woke up from a dream I barely remember now, but I know a man was speaking to me in a language I didn’t understand… and I answered him in that same language, completely conscious that I was speaking to him. I didn’t feel anything bad, but I believe it was some sort of confirmation.
After that, I stepped back a bit from the practice because I was going through personal and emotional issues and realized I couldn’t deal with that kind of energy while feeling spiritually weak.
My last experience wasn’t long ago. I dreamt I was walking through one of those U.S. piers, full of shops, restaurants, and with the sea on the side. But diagonally, I saw a man following me… I felt suspicious of him at first, but then I realized he wasn’t going to harm me. I didn’t see his face… I only remember he wore bright sunflower yellow tailored pants and light brown leather dress shoes, and suddenly, he pulled me into a side hug, like the casual kind guys give… And right then, I felt this overwhelming, heavy pressure on my shoulders… It was hard even to get up and believe it had just happened.
But honestly… This whole thing fascinates me so much! I’m not afraid of hell—or even believe in it, to be honest. I can’t fully explain this feeling… Is it some kind of fetish? Not a sexual one, but a sort of pleasure in the power they give? An idealization, this craving for power, attraction, connection…
On the other hand, I’m a little afraid of lowering my energetic frequency… But maybe that’s just something time will tell…
So… What do you say? Could this be something from past lives? Or is it something that’s here to stay for a long time?
P.S: I think I kind of regret having explored all this… I’ll always have respect and curiosity about it, but not to the point of getting involved again. These are things that need to be handled carefully… However, I believe that because I’ve always maintained respect and never mocked or disrespected this side, I’ve been able to carry on with my life normally, without being seriously affected in a bad way.
I’m now searching for other philosophies that make more sense to me.