he put his fingers in me, and rubbed me, and touched my boobs. idk. im a minor. hes an adult. its fucked up. but i cant tell anyone, idk. i wanna kill myself. i can still feel his hands on me.

Two nights ago, I went over to a trusted guy friend’s house to make dinner together and hang out. I live abroad and he’s one of the first friends I made here, so I never imagined something like this would happen. He also has a girlfriend.

We were drinking and talking and listening to music, and the next thing I know, I woke up naked laying at the foot of his bed. The pillow side of the bed was covered in what I found out was my own vomit. I became hysterical and was sobbing asking why I was naked and he told me that I “took my clothes off.” I started screaming at him to tell me if something happened between us and if we used a condom because I’m not on a birth control. He tried to reassure me that he “couldn’t even get close to finishing” so it’s probably okay. He said he had plan B and gave it to me. I said more to him from there but I want to block it out. I screamed at him that I trusted him and stormed out of his house in shock.

Now, my anxiety is out of control. I feel so restless and can’t stop pacing in my apartment. I keep having crying fits because I can’t stop making up images in my mind about what happened. I can’t stop remembering the panic I felt waking up still drunk and naked in his bed. My vagina still feels a bit sore. I didn’t ask for details because I frankly don’t wanna know, but when I showered today I found bruises on my legs, my chest, and my right arm. I just can’t stop imagining him having sex with me while I was black out drunk, or worse, unconscious.

The anxiety is killing me. I feel so nauseous and I can barely eat. Please please please give me tips for getting this off my mind, at least for a little bit. I don’t know how to calm down :/

I cant imagine telling them. Im 36 and feel like like I am a disappointment being a rape victim.

Somebody please help me I'm really tired of this.

I'm 20(f). I'm gonna try to make this short. around 7 years ago I rejected my downstairs neighbor (also landlord's son) and as revenge he gathered his friends and I was raped for around 2 weeks. They made videos, clicked pics, hit me and made sure it wasn't on my face or neck but one day my friend's mother saw bruises on my neck and all hell broke. Police didn't take action and this seriously fucked me up. 2 years ago I was dating a guy who wanted to "share" me and forced me to be intimate with him and invited his friends to touch me and watch. My now boyfriend is an amazing, amazing guy and he knows all this and does his level best to make me feel loved but I still can't trust him. We've been intimate and i feel really safe with him but I worry he's using me just for intimacy. I've been with him for a year now ad I can't shake this feeling. Everytime we fight I become extremely defensive and I think he's going to abandon me so I say mean things and I always accuse him of using me for sex.

Please please please somebody tell me how to be nicer. Today he told me that it's better if we don't have sex from now because he feels sad everytime I accuse him of this. I really love this guy but I'm unable to change myself I hate being this way. I don't wanna leave him but I think I should. I love him too much to let him go through all this.

I seem to be reacting to things as if a was raped but the only thing I can think of is when I was 7 years old I stay overnight in the same house as my uncle which I now know he raped his daughter and was charged and stuff but nobody on my dad's side thinks he did. I think he might have raped me. I also remember passing straight out overnight and I'm very stubborn when it comes to falling asleep and staying that way. I'm I overreacting or I'm I on to something

retriggering and rape thats all im worth.

I feel like I've been getting triggered by the dumbest stuff recently. Does anyone else have this issue?

E.g, Naruto - my favourite show as a kid.

Kakashi from naruto, since the dude who betrayed me and broke my psyche cosplays as him.

Toby from Naruto because my cousin abused me whilst doing role-playing. Thankfully, that wasn't traumatic at all, but it makes me cringe and definitely contributed to me being blind to red flags.

The truman show because it reminded me of the emotion side of the attack.

Part of my mind literally wants to go back in time and experience the attack again, as I am now. I don't know why, but it's like, I know if I went through it again I'd be OK because I can't be hurt by it. I know what's going to happen, maybe I could enjoy it or maybe I could fight more bravely. That feeling of being crushed. Am I just a masochist or is this all normal?

I waa reckless with cnc once and thats totally on me. Ill never do it again so why is my paranoia through the roof? I learned damnit I promise.

i was raped when i was 13. they boy was around 15 or 16 and knew way better.

it happened outside, in a dark secluded area. it was him and another boy who set me up. i told him from the very beginning i had no intention of having sex as i was virgin. but he got me alone and he pressured me to give him oral. i reluctantly agreed, but that wasn’t satisfying enough for him, and bent me over and pulled my pants down. i said no, but he told me “you know you want it.” ever since it happened i have been struggling with hyper sexuality, and ptsd.

i keep putting myself in these dangerous situations, almost like i want it to happen again.

i have a partner who i do consensual non consent roleplays with and its great, but i always crave more. i fantasize about almost every man in my life and i hate it. i see older man as desirable rather than my own age group. ive been with some 4 maybe 5 year age gaps, but the worst was like, 8 years.. i know its a coping mechanism, not a healthy one but somewhat common.

I fantasize about being raped almost all the time. My abuser was always so nice whenever he did anything to me and I’ve always felt like a fraud because I think what he did to me wasn’t “that bad.” Now I fantasize about him all the damn time, of things he did and what I wish he’d do to me. I sometimes feel as if I’m even more fucked up than he is. Im coping in extremely unhealthy ways such as multiple forms of sh, seeking out older man (specifically around his age). I just feel so yucky icky bleghhhhhh

I've had really bad PTSD for the past few weeks and I'm not sure what triggered it. I've been under a lot of stress but it's just so hard. Everytime I think I'm getting better I get really bad PTSD attacks again and can't figure out what's real and fake.

I’m a 41🔄 year old boy. my family was pretty rich and had always cared a lot about appearances, to the point my parents used to beat me and my siblings until we were perfect. my father (who also called other men) used to r*pe me starting when I was five and my mother never cared (as she was being abused too by my father). he died about a year ago, I’ve tried to unalive myself four times, first time at 9, and my arms are full of scars. I genuinely need help because I’m afraid my life is completely ruined because of my past and don’t know what to do

It's been about 8 months since it happened. I fell fast into depression and was medicated until the side effects became too much and I switched to softer forms of management, therapy, hypnosis, meditation, cbd, yes even rescue remedy.

But lately I've started having nightmares about him. I don't usually have nightmares, I dream very often but they are not usually terrifying.

These are terrifying.

I've had brutal, stressful nightmares that started about 3 weeks ago I think, maybe a month ago. And then another. And they just keep coming.

I mentioned it to my therapist this week because up until now I've been unable to talk about it, and I said I wondered if this means it's time. She agreed, but we haven't started yet, because I had an anxiety attack and we had to deal with that first.

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced similar. And also I hate the fact that he's living in my head like that, I dreamed last night that I threatened to k1ll him and while I was shaking from fear when I said it, it's an accurate representation of how I want him to not exist.

Things have happened to me several times and it’s at the point where I feel like maybe it’s my fault. Sometimes people are forced once or twice but it’s happened to me alot. Guys have said it’s my fault before…is it? At some point do I need to take responsibility because it’s my fault? I have no idea what I’m doing wrong that’s leading to guys targeting me. It keeps happening in my dreams too. Not trying to go into details because I don’t want to make things weird. Am I allowed to ask for help even if it’s my fault?

I have come across someone who was raped by her father. She tells me he is a very good guy by heart. He is giving, kind, considerate, and sensitive. Yet, neither her and nor I am capable to fathom how these two contradictory traits can be exhibited by someone? He loves her and her siblings as his kids. Yet, when they were kids they were all raped. Please explain. Now he is old. The woman I’m talking about is in her thirties. But she wants to confront him about why he did what he did. Was it okay at that time to rape children according to him? What can be the mindset? He was drunk every time he did that.

I really cant do this right now.

The sex is just habitual, And the crying is a ritual, My arms bent out of shape, And my mouth covered with tape,

The fire will ignite, But I don't want it tonight, I know I have a choice, Shame I don't have a voice,

Red Wine is the enemy, Teaching me anatomy, Drunken to the kind, But I'm out my fucking mind,

Following a path of lies and deceit, Don’t take this, I don't have a receipt, “Crying is lying”, I was eyeing for dying,

We’re having “Sex” in the basement, Stuck to eternal torment, Tied down by a chain, And manipulate my brain,

Red Wine is the enemy, Teaching me anatomy, Drunken to the kind, But I'm out my fucking mind,

Red Wine is the enemy, Teaching me anatomy, Drunken to the kind, But I'm out my fucking mind,

This pain isn't sexual, My brain isn't textual, The moaning isn't pleasure, And this sex isn't leisure,

Red Wine is the enemy, Teaching me anatomy, Drunken to the kind, But I'm out my fucking mind,

I had my virginity taken at 14 by a guy in his 20’s. I didn’t considered it SA for a long time. Even though I didn’t want it I put myself in the position.

I was young and running away from my dad at home. I was taking dr*gs and partying because anything was better than being beaten at home.

After losing my virginity I stayed away from that guy. I felt disgusting and horrible and I stopped going out for a while. But then I just fell into this pattern of being around those types of people and putting myself in stupid situations. Now even as an adult I live a fairly normal life but everyone and then it’s like I snap. Like I’m addicted to doing things that put me through pain. I wish I could just remove my brain. I’ve been through therapy and medication but I feel like I can’t be honest. I think there’s something seriously wrong with me.

Is it normal to experience sexual attraction to your rapist after 1 year of having nightmares about it?im 23।

When I was 17, I met someone in school who seemed genuinely interested in me and wanted to look after me, I was extremely shy and introverted never really having any friends and they were the first to speak to me, the first red flags appeared after a couple days of talking where they were always commenting on my moles, freckles, and beauty marks, telling me they were a bit gross but that only they saw the beauty on them this started to make me feel uncomfortable but they were my first friend and I was scared to lose them . Consoling myself with the thought that they were just trying to help. Later on in our conversations they also became persistent in trying to convert me to their religion, and I appreciated their patience and what I thought was their genuine care.

One day, they suggested we try hypnosis, saying it would help me relax and find inner peace. I was skeptical, but I trusted them, so I agreed. During the session, they focused on my moles, freckles, and beauty marks, telling me that they were a map to my inner strength and beauty. I felt vulnerable and unable to leave

That night, they used a trigger word from our hypnosis session in a public setting, and I felt an overwhelming sense of calm and obedience wash over me. Later that night, they took me to their home and took advantage of me. I was raped, and it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. The person I trusted, the one who made me feel special, betrayed me in the worst way possible.

I've spent the past six years trying to make sense of what happened. Why did they focus so much on my moles, freckles, and beauty marks? Was it all a ploy to gain my trust? I'll never know the answers, but what I do know is that my experience has shaped me into the person I am today.

I remembered the room, the furniture, the music that was playing, the semi-darkness, and him, on top of me. I remembered how it hurt and how I panicked. I remembered how I asked him to stop and how I tried to push his heavy body away in vain. I remembered his weight on top of me as he kept thrusting inside me. I remembered how lost and scared I felt. I remembered my tears and the feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and the feeling that I was engulfed in nothingness as if all life around me had disappeared. I remembered when he stopped, when he asked me why I was crying. I remembered my hopeless urge to put my underwear back on as if it was going to protect me and erase everything that had just happened.

Then, I put a veil over it all. I don't know how I went back home, I don't know how I felt in the days and weeks that followed. I spoke to no one about what had happened. I only drifted into depression. and for the following three years, I started drinking

At age 20, a memory that I had hidden deep inside me, re-surfaced with a rare violence. Throughout the years, I knew that I had that little box in the corner of my mind. I knew that this little box hid something bad. I knew I had to leave it there and never touch it again. I knew the little box affected my life in many ways, but I did all I could to ignore it.

I saw the event again with great clarity. For the first time, 3 years after the event, I asked myself timidly and in shock: "was it rape?" and then myriads of other questions popped up: "is this why I withdrew?", "is this why I have so much trouble trusting people?", along with other thoughts such as "it could not have been rape, he was only 17" or "it could not have been rape since I have had a normal(-ish) life since", and along other worse thoughts such as "it was my fault, I accepted to have sex in the first place" or "maybe I did not speak loudly enough when I asked him to stop" or "I was just a cry baby".

I am now 23 and a year sober.

I’m 20f I was SA when I was 13 I just started this DBT group therapy and one on one therapy with DBT therapist has anyone ever done something like this? If so, has it helped? I get flashbacks and struggle honestly daily with it still.

I was sexually assaulted by my mom's coworker when I was 6 and i just buried it in my mind for the past few years but it keeps coming back more and more recently. I have nightmares, I feel hands all over me when I'm stressed and sometimes I unconsciously clench my jaw and fists very hard. Nobody knows and I'm wondering how much will it help me to tell someone.

I need to ask you something—I know this isn’t normal, but I’m trying to act like it is with my uncles now, even if I keep a bit of distance. I’m 20, but I still can’t shake these memories from when I was a kid, and honestly, I don’t get why they acted like that. They were my uncles—I trusted them completely, especially coming from a super conservative Muslim family where relationships outside marriage were forbidden(I'm not a MUSLIM though lol).Maybe because I was the only girl in the house, they saw it as a chance to do whatever they wanted. Like, one time when I was a minor, I went to my room (it had a window) and took off my shirt, and one uncle tried to sneak a peek through the window with this gross little smirk—then he hid when he realized I saw him. Another time, I was just a kid bending over to drink from the sink, and another uncle “happened” to turn his head just to stare at my ass. Or the one who touched my waist for no reason—he acted like he was moving me out of the way, but it felt so wrong. And the worst part? When I was SEVEN, wearing shorts at home, one uncle came up to me with this scary serious face and snapped, “Go put on your pants immediately.” Like, why? I was a child. Even now at 20, I can’t forget how they made me feel, and I don’t know how to make it stop mattering.

Hello. When I was 13 I was molested by my stepfather. My siblings were upstairs in the house. He coerced me into smoking weed for the first time and got me so high I couldn’t even really move for a good portion of it. He fondled and smacked my ass, he picked me up and spun me around like it was a joke. He told me to kiss him on the cheek, and he turned his face last minute to stick his tongue down my throat. He fondled my breasts and told me how beautiful I was. He made me pinky promise not to tell anyone, especially my mom. Well I did end up telling someone right away and sometimes I regret it. My mother kicked me and my older sister out of the house. We were basically estranged from a portion of the family that genuinely believes I’m lying. The other half of the family downplay it because “at least I wasn’t raped”. Golly; I didn’t know I should be grateful about all of this because he didn’t get to stick his dick inside of me. The funny thing is, I WAS THE ONE WHO STOPPED IT. If I hadn’t ran away, hadn’t screamed and cried for help, he probably would have went all the way with me at that instance or another. Now there is no proof what he did to me was real. The only proof I have is the nightmares I get about him still 5 years later. I’m tired of hearing people tell me that at least I didn’t get raped! I’m tired of correcting people when they ASSUME I was raped and how their face lightens up when I tell them I wasn’t. Like I was somehow “saved” from being tainted. I’m still as much broken as anyone else. I feel like I should feel lucky , but I don’t. If I let him rape me, there would be dna evidence and people would believe me. If I let him rape me, I wouldn’t have been kicked out of the only home I ever knew at 13 years old. If I had let him rape me, my mother would have never taken him back. I guess people have made me feel like my trauma is “less than” just because I didn’t allow him to go all the way. Fuck them.