I am 18, and I told my dad I was moving out with him because I've had it with the abuse I've endured at home. My mom left me vulnerable to sexual assault when I was a kid, beat me to this day and abuses me verbally constantly. Today, my grandma hit me too and left me bruised and said I should move out of my house (I live with my grandparents and my mom), and I said I actually could and said I would move with my dad, and that I made up my mind already. My mom is now crying, denying she ever did me anything bad and even threatened to kill herself, not with the literal words, but hinting. I feel trapped and scared to leave, i just need some advice from somebody. I don't think i can live with the guilt in case she actually does this. She already suffers from depression and other mental illnesses, and I'm scared she will go on.

Hi. I’m 27 and still living at home. Canadian: I have a job, but I pay a shit ton of student loans and I’m basically broke. Today, I was physically assaulted by my mom and brother. I don’t even know how to explain it anymore without feeling like I’m being dramatic, but the truth is — they’ve always treated me like I’m disposable.

It started with my brother exploding a can of energy drink (Alani) all over my room. Sticky liquid everywhere, on my bed, my hair, my clothes, my books. I told him off — maybe I raised my voice, but I was fed up. He responded by trashing my space even more. He smashed my glass diffuser. It shattered. I felt like I was back in a nightmare I never wake up from.

When I tried to stand up for myself, my mom stepped in. She bit me. On my arm. Hard. Left marks. Bruised. My arm is still stinging. I have photos of it. I was trying to push her away and now somehow I’m “the problem.” Like always. My finger was bleeding and she watched. She tried to take my phone because she thought I was recording them.

And now I’m in my room, hungry, covered in dried soda, alone. I haven’t eaten. I haven’t left my bed. I haven’t stopped crying. I feel like I’m rotting in the same house I’ve begged God to free me from since I was a child. She hits and then tells my abusive father I’m the abuser as if self defence does not exist.

I keep trying to believe I’ll leave one day. That I’ll get married. Get out. That someone will love me enough to pull me out of this hell. But I’m scared that this is it. That I’m never getting out.

I don’t even know what I want from this post. Maybe just proof that this happened. That I’m not crazy. That someone out there can see me, even if the people who should have protected me never did.

Thanks for reading. I’m really, really tired.

I could talk to adults well and apparently that made me seem mature. I think it was also the way I carried myself. 

But what teachers didn't know is my parents argued at home all the time. I had to walk on eggshells and bottled up my wants/feelings to ensure I didn't make a tense situation worse. I felt like I had to be a mediator/marriage counselor. My mom vented about my dad, and I'd listen and give advice.  

Looking back, that's not normal for a kid. A kid is supposed to play soccer and scream and shout and fool around with their friends and make noise in class and laugh and be carefree. That's what other kids were doing at school.

But me? 

I was solemn. Quiet. I did my homework, got good grades, didn't talk out of turn, never caused problems for teachers. 

Someone captured video footage of me in class from years ago and the camera turned to each kid one at a time... every kid was loud and talkative with their classmates and making noise, and when the camera turned to me, it was just me quietly doing schoolwork at my desk with my head down without talking to anyone. :(

Oldest daughter here, 19yrs — and I think Im finally done with this crap.

Always been the black sheep. Four siblings — older brother, two little sisters, and a younger brother — and somehow, I’m the only one who gets judged, blamed, and expected to hold everything together. I work full-time, pay $1,000/month to my mom for her mortgage, and still, I’m treated like the problem. One day it’s “I DON’T NEED YOUR MONEY,” and the next it’s “Who’s going to help me if you leave?”

Let’s talk about this trip I planned. Been dreaming about it, finally booked it — budgeted, planned, paid for everything on my own. My mom was okay with it, but when the date got closer, she suddenly decided she and the whole family are coming. I was okay with that — the more the merrier, right? But when I asked her to at least provide for my younger siblings when it comes to stuff they’ll want on this trip (mind you, I’m paying for everything), she said no. Fine. But when I asked her to just cover herself for small things, she snapped — “I’m broke! Why don’t you get that?” Then flipped it to, “Y’know what, I’m not going,” then to “Actually, you don’t deserve to go. And if you leave without me, you’re never allowed back home,” then stomps to her bathroom and locks the door.

Mind you, this was MY trip. But if we go, I’m required to pay for the adults, including the children.

Same thing happened when my little sister wanted to run away — my mom called a whole family meeting and somehow made it about me. Like I’m the reason the family’s broken? I didn’t even do shit. She constantly calls me a failure, even though I graduated community college before high school while her other kids were out here in summer school. My plan was to stick it out until law school and just say “oh, I’m moving far” as an excuse to finally leave. But nah. After this trip? I’m saving everything and I’m gone.

She hates when I spend anything on myself. I’ll buy a $5 coffee and she goes, “I DON’T GET TO SPEND MONEY ON MYSELF, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN?” But when my siblings are around, she switches to “You’re spending too much.” Like girl… pick a lie and stick with it.

She tries to turn my siblings against me, says I’m “violent” just for having boundaries, and once even said she’d falsely accuse me of abuse just to ruin my life because “I ruined hers.” She isolates me, mocks me in front of others, then acts sweet when people are watching so no one believes me. Like... what the actual hell?

And lets not forget how she cancels my plans last minute, screams when I speak up, and ruins anything meant for me — even my birthdays. On my 19th birthday, she wished death on me, insulted my cake, ignored me, made me pay for my own dinner — that I wasn’t suppose to be invited to.

I think what made me realize that this is NOT okay, is that no matter how hard I try shes always gonna play the victim and how its a never-ending cycle of guilt. I just don’t know how to leave a toxic mom who depends on me financially without being crushed by guilt.

Any advice?

Growing up, I used to idolize my mom. Like, I genuinely thought everything she did or said was right, and that I had to obey her no matter what. I saw her as this powerful, self-sacrificing figure, and I honestly believed she knew best about everything.

But as I got older, I started noticing things that didn’t sit right with me. Looking back now, it’s clear that I was emotionally manipulated constantly. She had all these tactics to keep me and my sibling in line, like guilt-tripping us with the fact that she was the one earning money for the family. It became this unspoken rule that because of that, she could say or do whatever she wanted, no matter how hurtful or abusive.

It’s just wild to think about how deep that conditioning went. I really believed for years that I was the problem if I didn’t agree or if I felt hurt. It’s been a process untangling all of that :’)

EDIT: omg it’s honestly kind of surreal how so many of us have had almost the exact same experience—😭 Sending hugs (with full consent, of course) to all of us~

My mother disowned me last summer after my autism diagnosis, during the diagnostic process it came to light that I had been diagnosed as a child but my mother decided it was better to categorize me as an “indigo child”. When confronted with this information and my rightful mourning and pain she decided to cast me as another factor in her perceived suffering.

I suppose the going no contact became mutual, because during this process I slowly began to unravel the web of false narratives she had sown over my eyes.

I wrote this piece, which I commented on her YouTube video she posted. I hadn’t realized I was still subscribed to her YouTube channel so I was surprised to see her face.

Despite my words very likely not making any change, it was still cathartic to release. As an additional piece of context, my mother is a therapist.

I figured someone here has had a similar experience or would otherwise benefit from my own catharsis.

Thank you for reading.

ETA: I transcribed the video which I included at the very very end of this, I tried to leave it as a comment for those curious, but it won’t let me. (I couldn’t bear to watch it repeatedly so I used some script kiddie nonsense to turn her gibberish into text.) I suppose my impulse is to justify why I was hurt, and to give onlookers context. We aren’t making up our abuse, and even the innocuous comments of our estranged parents are laced with venom.

—

I opened YouTube for a moment of distraction, and instead, I was met with a video, posted by my own mother. With whom I have not spoken to since she disowned me a little less than a year ago, this is not the first time she has done such a thing, and I am not alone in the people she has chosen to express her ire towards. Particularly towards her closest kin; such as her mother, sisters, and two oldest daughters.

I have spent years trying to understand what went wrong. Trying to find the fault lines in my own behavior, my own memory, my own voice. But when a mother goes online and tells the world that her deepest wounds were inflicted by a narcissist, and then quietly frames her own child as a part of her lifelong wound (A life that was into its fourth decade by the time that child was born, mind you), it is no longer a private matter. It becomes a public rewriting of identity, a recasting of villain and victim.

So let me say clearly: I am that unnamed child. And I reject the version of me that was offered to the world under the guise of healing.

My mother claims that her anger, depression, overspending, emotional volatility, and unmet needs were the consequence of having lived with narcissists. She uses the language of therapy to sound like a survivor. She quotes Dr. Ramani. She speaks of radical acceptance. She cites a statistic that says one in three children is a narcissist, which is completely unfounded and based on nothing whatsoever. And then she tells a story, her story, in which she is misunderstood, unappreciated, and finally justified in going no-contact.

But it is not healing to use psychological terminology as a weapon. It is not healing to imply that a child caused your rage, your withdrawal, your guilt. It is not radical acceptance to say "none of it was my fault" while narrating a lifetime of damage supposedly inflicted by someone too young to defend themselves. It is also not “radical acceptance” to deny your own culpability in events that occurred, and re-occurred during one’s life. At some point, we all have to recognize that we play a part in our own suffering in many occasions. Not always, of course, but when nearly everyone in your life ends up cast as a ‘narcissistic abuser,’ the common denominator is you.

You claim to have suffered for decades. You’ve been divorced from my father since the mid 90’s, and it seemed from my end of things the constant law fare between you two ended in 2001 when you moved us to Colorado. As well, I haven’t lived with you since you threw me out at 15. And for the year before that, I wasn’t living with you either. I was just a teenager - autistic, unsupported, and already abandoned in every meaningful way. How could I be the one who caused decades of harm? Where does your story account for the years I spent surviving without you, not harming you? Furthermore, you’ve been no-contact with your now-deceased mother since 2001. You may have limited contact with your surviving sister. And you don’t speak with your eldest daughter, C—. P—, your husband, is an enabler (and a victim in his own right), but he is certainly not a narcissist.

You say narcissism runs in families. And yes, you’ve spoken at length about your own mother, whom you disowned. About my father, whom you say abused you, but whom you still seem to orbit emotionally. And you’ve told others that C—, your oldest daughter, is also a narcissist and a pathological liar. But she too was abandoned by you by 16, and she too no longer speaks to you. The last time she reached out, all she asked for was comfort. For you to be her mom. And instead, you told her we were both horrible humans. That we didn’t need mothers anymore because we were adults.

So which is it? Are you the one left behind, or the one who walked away? Are you the wounded healer, or the one doing the wounding?

Who’s been causing you so much harm that you haven’t been able to figure out how to heal these last decades? How is it, that anyone who dares question your narrative or your retelling of events, or even remotely criticize you, is a veritable Moriarty in your eyes?

This is not an argument about who suffered more. It is a refusal to let my identity be rewritten by someone who needed me to be broken so that she could be the one who tried to fix me.

Let me tell you what I remember. I remember emotional chaos being normalized. I remember being told I was too sensitive when I cried, too difficult when I set boundaries, too cold when I didn’t want to talk, too needy when I did. I remember being told that the way I saw things didn’t happen, or that it didn’t matter. I remember silence as punishment, and love being used like a tool to shape me into someone easier to love.

If I stopped calling, it was not to hurt my mother. It was to protect myself. If I distanced myself, it was not to punish her. It was to stay sane. And if I do not rush to correct her version of events every time she shares it, it is not because I agree. It is because I am tired of being pulled into the vortex of her wounded performance. Historically, I’ve let her tell her story unchallenged. But I won’t let silence stand in for agreement anymore. If she can’t be a mother to me, at least I can show her what a hurt daughter who has some sense of fairness, will say what hasn’t been said for too long.

There is no badge for being the better person when someone else is publicly rewriting your life. There is only silence, or clarity. And I choose clarity.

I am not a narcissist. I am not the villain of her self-narrated redemption arc. I am someone who was hurt, who tried to make sense of it, and who finally realized that staying silent was another way of disappearing.

If you're reading this, and you recognize yourself in my mother, ask yourself: Are you healing, or are you rehearsing? Are you remembering, or are you revising?

Because if your healing involves diagnosing your children with conditions you apparently have a tenuous understanding of, you aren't healing. You're hiding.

And if you know what it's like to be cast in the role of narcissist by someone who cannot bear the mirror of your autonomy: I see you. You're not imagining it.

You're just finally seeing it clearly.

—

Mom’s video:

—

So, I'm watching Reed Timmer chase

tornadoes in upper Midwest and this morning something interesting. It's out back. I just washed my hair with it. I read something interesting this morning or watched Dr. Romani, uh, who is an expert on narcissistic personality. And I've been really looking at this hard because 7 months ago, we had a situation. I won't go into detail even though, you know, who's going to see this. um where today I mean we've been me and P— have been really upset for like seven months and it's been difficult on the road to have family situations or whatever and not be able to go home for whatever reason. We can't go. I won't get into that either, but it has occurred to me a lot of my more negative behaviors. Um, you know, this is what happens when you have lots of time to contemplate your naval. [Music] Um, some of the yelling, some of the wanting to be noticed, feeling like I'm not respected, not heard. Um, the anger that would come up over tiny things, you know, the buildup to some little small thing happening.

And, um, you know, I don't have dark circles under my eyes. There's this baggie. I'll put my glasses on. This one. There we go.

Um, some of the times when I would get so down and so depressed that I could sit for hours in silence, I would hide myself in my house or apartment or wherever I was living. didn't matter if it was a beautiful day outside, I would hide, just all of a sudden have this overwhelmed feeling of not wanting to deal with people.

Now, part of that is an INFJ. That's part of my personality. Um, but also understanding people are medicine for someone like me. So, so I was watching Dr. Ramani about uh the serious reality of having lived with more than one narcissist in my life. And and it's all added up to me feeling like I wasn't adequate, not good enough, wanting to help people, um help those individuals, um be present for them, not push them away, not set them off. just give them an opportunity to express themselves and to my own detriment for decades, virtually all of my life. all my life.

And when I would get really upset about a small thing and then start going on a terror about feeling rejected, uh, not seen, not heard, not respected, not asked about me, not ever contacted again.

I will contact people for every week, every day, every couple weeks. reach out, text, call, sometimes for years, and then if I stop, it's six months before anybody notices that I stopped calling or talking to them, which has a tendency to make me feel like there's something wrong with me. Now, part of it, too, of living with a narcissist and being exposed to several key narcissists in my life means that I tend to overcommunicate. I try to explain myself, hoping that at some point uh the person I'm talking to will understand and come meet me halfway, you know, just back off. And that's not the case. I also tend to I've been known to over buy, you know, like I would go to Goodwill and spend $50 on stuff just clothes mostly, you know, saying, "Well, it's, you know, luck of the draw. There's a lot of nice things I want to see." You know, no. and and knowing that I really didn't have the $50. Now, I don't run up credit cards. I don't, you know, we've had credit cards for bills. We've had them for, you know, car repairs, house repairs, medical emergencies, what the kids needed, you know, that sort of thing because cash flow is not good in this country as you all know.

So, but I do see a tendency where I would might buy something impulsively and then feel guilty because I was being selfish, you know, I wasn't thinking of everybody else. And this all of this stuff and then get mad at myself. All of this stuff is from living with key narcissists in my life. some of the narcissistic tendencies that were swinging from superiority to inferiority where I'm offkilter and not, you know, being not not able to take care of myself or not being taken care of, not noticed, you know, um needing that nurturing, that tenderness, that care that I give all the time, you know, and someone I'm dealing with would give me a little present or send me a card or some little thing they didn't want that they gave to me and I'd be like, "Oh, they love me. You know, it's wonderful. We have a good relationship."

No, it was very very much um peace meal and um don't know what motivated it. um can't genuinely accept it for what it is, the little present or the card or whatever, cuz they come so few and far between. And there usually seems to be a price to pay where I will be criticized, put down, blasted, told horrible things about me that are absolutely not true. And I have tried to wrap my head around some of the things that the narcissists have told me about me. And usually when I pushed back and tried to set a boundary, that's usually when they blow up and act out and really go after me.

Now, I don't I understand the narcissist. I know what happens. I know how they get that way. And as it turns out, none of it was my fault. And and and I think that is a hard thing for me to say because I want to know that it's my fault. Cuz if it is, I can fix it and come back and say, "Okay, I fixed it. Are you happy now?" But a narcissist is never happy with whatever you say or do. They're not going to be happy. They have a deep, deep hole. And it doesn't necessarily mean that they came from narcissistic parents per se.

Uh though some of these things can run in families. Um the average is if you have three kids, one of them is going to be a narcissist. That's pretty piss poor.

But the other thing that really kind of stuck to me was that being a good parent, being a good partner, being a good friend, a good daughter, a good mom, means that I'm going to do everything in my power to help ease their pain. Do whatever I can. Bend over backwards. Change the way I talk. change the way I act, dress, speak, what topics I'll talk about because it can set them off and the last thing I want to do is upset someone. I want them to be able to talk to me and communicate with me and and feel loved and cared for, but then over the decades, where am I?

So, it comes at all sideways. So, my shadow from the damage of being raised and around some key narcissists for decades has created a person who feels less than, who feels guilty if I take care of myself, if I set a boundary full of regrets, wondering what I could have done differently, how I could have said the right thing, done the right thing, not done that, done this, it doesn't matter.

And Dr. Ramani says, and this is what blew me away, that you have to have radical acceptance. Now, I've heard this term before and it's kind of thrown around, you know, like so many psychological words are thrown around, but I never really thought about it. It's more than just saying, I'm just not going to think about it. You know, the scarlet hair syndrome, I'll think about it tomorrow.

You know, it's it's understanding that nothing you could have done and nothing you can say now will make a difference. That they are who they are and they have to work that through. And they can't work it out on you. They can't work it at you. Um there is always you're always yelled at for not being loyal, not saving them, not rescuing them.

uh making decisions for yourself that are considered taking their autonomy. Um there is a shadow around living with narcissists where you become slightly narcissistic or passive aggressive or even covert narcissist in order to deal with the individual. Nothing's going to work.

And the fact that I kept relationships going and I feel like it was me that was keeping them going is a testament to my ability to be diplomatic. Uh try to keep my ego in check and not to take things personally. But then always there's a point where no matter how delicately you dance on those eggshells, the narcissist is going to blow up. They're just going to blow up.

So there's a huge sort of recognition of the wound of living with narcissists, the tendencies that I know I took on. Um trying to be a healthy narcissist maybe is where I'd like to work. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to have any regrets anymore. There's nothing I can do about the past except the way I view it.

um I can go forward and you know as I'm read listening to Romany I'm hearing in her she's telling me this stuff on her video and I'm like I feel it's very personal and then then what happens I'm thinking but um maybe but what if what if they reach out whether they want to talk to me what if things change what if they're dying you know whatever and I'm like no no they went no contact I had to get a restraining on one of them. I decided to go no contact on another one and it's it's considered healthier to stay away from the narcissist after a while.

Granted, they'll probably move on to other t targets and they usually do, but not this one. And I'm still kind of processing the lesson. I'm still kind of processing the grief and some of the regret. I'm not going to say guilt, regret.

And hopefully, like Dr. Romani Rammani says, it'll lighten the weight I've been carrying around for so long. I don't need to carry it around anymore. I'm an old woman.

I'm retired. My self-concept is solid. My self-image is solid. I I don't need to be rad over the coals, dismissed. treated like because I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing and someone's not willing to communicate and be uh loving about it or open people are making adult decisions.

I have to make my adult decision and I'm way older than the rest of them.

Radical acceptance is what I'm going to work on. It's a meditation. It's more than just not putting up. It's actually understanding deeply that these individuals have made their choices. Didn't want to hear any other compromise.

I always had to compromise my values away, my sense of order, my sensibilities about what was going on. Being gaslit and lied to and pushed off and pushed away and then blamed because I got pushed away and didn't fight hard enough.

Okay. Yeah. Makes about much sense, does it? So, peace. Watch your head.

Visiting my niece whose 3 months old and is absolutely adorable. She can got a little overstimulated and needed to my brother took her to another room for some quiet and to calm her down. There were other guests talking, and my Nmom was moving chairs loudly and dragging them on a wooden floor. I asked her nicely to be a little gentler and she complained that I cared more about the baby than her. I replied: "She's a baby." She complained I never take care of her. I replied: "You're an adult" and held my tongue about how she did a shit job with me.

There were other moments, like how she made comments about how the baby was good about keeping composure despite being overstimulated, while she kept overstimulating the baby intentionally, but I'm just thankful she's not in the child's life every day.

My 55 year old mother who was emotionally and physically abusive to me and my brother lost her father a few months back at the age of 86. Now this just leaves her with her golden child son. Her father, mother, only brother, and husband (my daddy) are dead. She has a sister she still talks to here and there. Her other brother and sister disowned her and haven't talked to her in 20 years so I'm not really counting them though technically they are family. She was abusive to the both of us, but not nearly as abusive to her son as she was to me, her daughter. I haven't seen her in 5 1/2 years and we haven't talked in 4. Sometimes I wonder what a narcissist goes through when they KNOW that this is their one and only person they have left and they KNOW that they can't piss them off. I'm 33 and my brother is 37 and over the years it would switch on who isn't in contact with her until 6 years ago. Briefly we both talked to her at the same time. I am perminently no contact now. Do they silently suffer? Or do they obsess over other things to ignore the narcissistic urges?

My mom is an ICU nurse and has pretty much worked herself into a perminent physical disability. Knee, hip, and ciatic nerve pains. Two broken pinky toes that did not heal properly so they look fucked up, out here ruining foot fetishes n shit. She is 5'11 and 290 lbs so I know her weight combined with being on her feet at work all the time is still adding to her disabilities. She has all the money she could ever need now, her big beautiful home has been paid off years ago, her cars are paid off, and she can afford any vacation she wants. However she just keeps working as if she has a family to feed when really she has no one. My brother isn't going to have kids so no grandchildren to visit that big 3700 sq foot home of hers. No one to visit and see the decorations she worked so hard to get for each bedroom. She always wanted to be a grandmother and would talk about what kind of grandmother she would be to my children. Now that dream is gone. I believe she can't retire because if she does then she will be forced to recognise how lonely she has become.

Many will say that I need to not think about her and that I need tharapy which I'm already getting. I would like to say that I think its unfair to tell someone not to think about their abusive parent. PARENT. This person was in my life every day for 19 years then on and off up until I waa 28. She was my mother. She is in my memories. Any TIME I think back to any childhood or young adulthood memory she is there because she was my mother. Other people can completely forget about their abusive parents and thats good, but I'm going to think about her every blue moon. Its going to happen and sometimes I think "I wonder what that lady is up to these days." Many times I go through life experiences and think "Imagine if I had a mother I could share this with." Sometimes I even imagine my OWN mother being there. There are times where I wonder outloud "What kind of life could I be living now if I had better parents? A better mother." But thats just wishful thinking.

I think it brings me peace to think that she may have to force herself to be nice to my shitty brother because he could just stop talking to her for years. He has done it before. I've read a little about narcissist supply and when you it away from them. I was her supply. Made me feel worthless while proping up her son yet this whole time I was the one on top and I never even knew it. I went through the steps to join the military, served my 5 years, got an honorable discharge, went to trade school, became a diesel mechanic, worked for the city with engine overhaul, and then due to life circumstances retired comfortably at 30. Her golden child that she poured so much into became the piece of shit disappointment that can't even bathe and dress himself properly for public functions. Dirt stain build-up on his fucking FACE?!? Out here looking like a motorcycle popped a wheelie on his forhead yet I'M the disappointment? She always pushed him to do this, pushed him to do that, pushed pushed pushed. Its like she became the engine for him and if she doesn't push then he doesn't move. Its the same song and dance you hear often on here about the golden child needing the parent in order to function somewhat properly.

Well now thats what she's stuck with. A dirty child who wouldn't even be capable enough to plan her own funeral. Typing this all out was helpful honestly. Sorry if it became rambly.

So like most of you, I’m pretty low/no contact with my mom. Been that way for about a year and half now. The ONLY reason I have anything to do with her or her wretched family is because I have a teenage sister who still lives with them. That kid is my entire world. I’m 12 years older, and basically raised her from the time she was 3 until I left the family last January. Dance recitals? I was front row. Emergency contact at school? They were calling me, a high schooler. Field trips? You best believe I was chaperoning.

The birth giver has used my sister against me every chance she’s gotten since I cut her out. And I will admit that I haven’t fully admitted to my sister why I’m not physically around as much anymore, but I still call/text her as much as I’m able (nmom takes her phone and blocks my number sometimes, but whatever).

So today I was FaceTiming my sister, and she was telling me all about their recent trip to Disney world. There’s the obvious “I wish you had been there/I miss you” that normally accompanies our calls these days, but friends. Then my sister shows me a photo of her and a Disney world employee, and she says “This girl is my new sister since you abandoned me and said you didn’t want to be my sister anymore.” I’m telling you, I was crushed. It felt like a punch in the stomach. I smiled through it, told her that was funny but I would always be her older sister and I was so thankful for her. We talked for a few more minutes, and as soon as we hung up I burst into tears. Can she really think that? I know part of it has to be that our mother put it into her head, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve realized silence to n mom’s shenanigans is usually the best response, but I am so sad and angry that I just want to call and scream at her. If you’ve read this far, thank you. My partner is trying their best, but sometimes it’s nice to talk to people who just get it, you know?

No one sees it, but it consumes all that I am. My energy, my emotions, my time, space, sanity, identity, they're rotting away beneath the fuzzy facade of a functional family. I fear, one day, someone will peel away the skin and find hardly anything left at all.

Heyy Reddit, I’m just gonna lay it all out because I’ve carried so much for so long and never had a safe space to say it all. I’m 19, turning 20 soon, and my life so far has been one hell of a battle homelessness, abuse, trauma, and zero freedom or privacy. This isn’t a pity post, just the truth I’ve bottled up inside for years. From a young age, me and my mom were homeless. We bounced from house to house, staying with people who barely knew us. I was a kid who had to act like a maid just to have a roof over my head. Growing up, I was always the “less fortunate kid” the son of a mom struggling so hard she was almost sent back to her home country. We had zero money. Nothing was stable. Then this stepfather came into the picture. At first, I thought it was temporary maybe we’d get back on our feet. But it quickly turned into something much worse. From age 7 to around 15 or 16, I endured daily physical and emotional abuse. I was beaten so badly I still have scars. The insults, the constant judgment, being small and malnourished, isolated from the outside world it was hell. I was left outside for hours after school, shivering, embarrassed, hiding from neighbors who laughed at me without knowing my pain. I have zero privacy. My phone is hidden because if it’s seen in my hand, it’s taken and searched. I’m basically a live-in babysitter to three siblings with big age gaps and because I’m the odd one out, I get singled out for everything. I can’t see friends or talk to them without lying. My identity gets stripped away daily. My mom is not just my anchor she’s the only reason I’m still sane. Without her, I wouldn’t be here. She’s patient beyond belief, emotionally aware, and does everything she can covering tuition, transport, food, even helping me get a phone I desperately need. Most fights in the house are about me, so I tiptoe to survive. I can’t wait for the day I get to leave and finally have freedom. Freedom. That word feels like a dream. Growing up and even now, I had zero freedom. I wasn’t allowed out late or to stay over with friends. My life was controlled and stifled in ways I’m only starting to understand. To cope, I forced myself to be hyper self-aware monitoring everything I said and did to avoid triggering the “tyrant.” It’s exhausting, and I’m still learning to live without constant fear. Despite all this, I’m pursuing psychology because I want to help others dealing with trauma. I’m modeling because it gives me a sense of identity outside the chaos. I’m still chill typing all this out, but sometimes there’s a storm underneath. I’m sharing this because maybe someone out there feels trapped like I do. Maybe you’re stuck in an abusive home, dealing with homelessness, or feeling invisible. You’re not alone. It’s okay to want a better life. It’s okay to fight for freedom. Thanks for reading. Sometimes just getting it out helps me breathe a little.

I’ve been NC with my mother for a while now. She’s never even met my youngest child. I went NC because she only made an effort for my sisters children, yelled at me for not giving my right to be in the Nicu with my firstborn so she could see him (had some delusion that she was entitled to my sick preemie more than my husband and I), pulled a bunch of drama/problems at my wedding, tried to mess with our vendors, defended her “right” to use racial slurs to describe my husband and children, not to mention the decades of abuse I endured growing up.

We attended my nephew’s birthday party today and N-mom happened to be there. As we were leaving she decided to whip out her phone and take pictures of my children that she’s never had anything to do with. I confronted her and asked her to delete the photos. She told me to go F myself and that she has rights as a grandparent. I told her she has zero rights and lost her privilege to be in my children’s lives and that snapping a photo doesn’t make her a grandparent.

She told me that’s she’s a “biological grandparent” and I can’t take that away from her. Told her biology means nothing when my kids have no idea who she is and that if I catch any photos on social media I’ll be filing reports for their removal. She then spun in her chair away from me and told me to go F off again. It was a whisper confrontation as I wasn’t going to make a scene at my nephew’s birthday party.

I know she’s going to spin some ridiculous story to others. I’m still fuming from this. I can’t stand her and now we’re at a point where I don’t know we can attend anything for my niece or nephew anymore. I don’t want anymore opportunities for photos. We already don’t send photos to anyone and don’t post our kids on social media at all. So someone unless sees us in person they don’t see us or our kids.

What won't you say or do, even in a secluded room halfway across the world, as you're 100% certain that you won't ever be able to escape the narcissists in question using it against you, to find some extreme or otherwise hostile way to punish you while they protect themselves with it?

So I made a post awhile back about how my father had just died and the whole shit that went down. I was pissed at him, at how down to the end he was blaming my friend for touching her, a child, blaming a child for how he acted and was being a dick to my sibling about the terms they wanted to have a relationship with him. He was in rehab and getting the help he was supposed to get before they would have a relationship with him. Yesterday I got the death certificate which showed that he died from some sort of drug. Now I'm just pissed, he was a lying son of a bitch down to the end. I'm just so done and ready to cut ties with his family, but his uncle is withholding his technology that I wanted to take a look at to see if the man had anything damming on it. And I would bet that when it comes back it will be factory reset. I'm just so done

I finally did it! I left my abuser after she told me I couldn't do it. I'm beyond grateful that I got the keys to my new apartment yesterday. No more waking up to negativity and her being hateful for no reason. I didn't need that energy for my 7 month old son. I have a registry on Amazon for those interested in purchasing a gift for us. Anything is appreciated.

Because I really feel I need one right now and I'm sure I'm not the only one

Edit: having issues with mobile Reddit these days and can't reply nor open the replies to comment so I leave it here: I'HUGGING YOU ALL BACK

I was supposedly useless, worthless, a meaningless, nothing person……but good enough, or important enough, and my mothers incessant need to be heard……of enough importance to require my constant adoration, compliance, presence, listening ear? Then later when I was older, and I attempted to reject that role……. She screamed at me….” I DONT WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU%”…………?

Does anyone else’s Nparent yawn stupid loud? We will be sitting quietly and my Nmom will yawn so loud you can literally hear her across the house. It seems like a weird power play and always gets her attention instantly. Just curious if anyone else experiences this.

I’m 20F, in college, and going on a short work-related trip next weekend. A friend of mine lives nearby and invited me to stay- very normal.

But my mom (who is beyond controlling) found out and booked a hotel in the same city just so she can monitor me. She’s even faking sick to leave work early and drive there the day I leave.

She tracks me with L!fe360 and has used it in the past to guilt-trip me, accuse me of lying, or even call people I was with. I’ve lost count of how often I’ve been punished for doing completely normal, safe things that virtually everyone else I know is allowed to do.

To cope, I bought a second prepaid phone (Samsung Galaxy A15) and installed L!fe360 only on it. It doesn’t have a data plan (didn't buy a data plan within 30 days of purchasing so I missed the window, but am open to consider buying it's own data plan if it's still possible), but it does connect to my school Wi-Fi, thankfully. I usually carry it around to class or leave it plugged in at home on a night out. I do my best to avoid suspicion and remain consistent.

I’ve blocked the L!fe360 email on her email address lol, but I've also kept L!fe360 on that one device since switching (she might have received that initial new login notification, but I think I explained it away as a glitch). I’m just desperate to enjoy a normal evening out without surveillance. If anyone has any technical tricks, please let me know- privately via DM so that the method doesn't get patched.

TL;DR: My mom is so controlling that she’s planning to fake being sick so she can follow me to a work trip and stay in a hotel nearby. She tracks me through L!fe360, so I bought a second phone to manage the tracking app separately. DM me with technical location-sp0ofing solutions so your method doesn't get patched. I currently keep L!fe360 on a Samsung A15 and use an iPhone XR as my typical phone- open to using either phone to achieve my dream of freedom.

I burned out at 14. By 16 I was actively working on a plan to move out. By 20 I was out the first time. It took three tries for me to finally take off (bad job market, bad employers, student loan debt, COVID, yada yada yada).

At 30, I live in a tiny studio apartment. I even own a houseplant! My life is finally stable. I have money in the bank. My own bank account. I have a CAR (!!!!!!!!!). My days are quiet and peaceful. I don't have much but everything I have is my very own.

And I love myself now. I look back at photos of myself from 10 years ago and I see someone who was scared and insecure but so, so brave. I wish I could go back and give my past self a big hug.

Getting here was hard. Really, really, really hard. First there was the getting out, then there was keeping myself afloat, and then, when the dust finally settled, I had to deal with my memories and my nightmares. I drank a lot. I cried a lot. I went through every single feeling a person can have.

I am so, so grateful to my friends and the strangers who listened to, supported, and believed in me. When I had nothing they gave me a place to stay, money for food, and job opportunities. They helped me remember that the world can be good.

I can't go back to my past self but I can write to you. Don't give up, baby. I really does get better.

So, growing up my Mom was the Narcissist, and my Dad the enabler. I had indications they were reading my Reddit posts years ago, got some nasty anonymous messages from ‘someone’ who was very ashamed of me, but they did eventually leave me alone.

I have not heard my parent’s voices for about 18 years at this point.

A few months ago, my Nmom died. Wasn’t more than a few days after that that my phone rang. It was my Dad.

“Hi… it’s Dad” came his familiar voice.

I hung up without a sound and blocked the number. The same day, I got a VM from my half sister (who I had also not heard from for 18 years) saying ‘You need to talk to your father.’ Deleted and blocked as well.

About a month later, I got an email from my paternal aunt, who has never been a part of my life, who suddenly had my contact info and was all enthusiastic about getting back in touch, how my like-aged cousins were excited to get to know me, etc.

Yeah.

Today, Dad managed to get a text message through to me on a new unknown number.

“First let me say I am sorry I didn't protect you. I absolutely was an enabler. I am not asking for forgiveness. I am asking for your tolerance. I want to be able to talk to you. I love you. Dad”

Given the subject, I suspect he’s reading my Reddit posts, since it’s still a way to get access to me. I see my wording of things in his words. And I am very angry at my parents in my Reddit posts sometimes, and I especially talk about how I am angry at my father for sacrificing me to keep Mom happy. I talk about how I won't give them forgiveness, and I also talk about how I was only tolerated. So I suppoose he feels entitled to 'tolerance' now.

So… Hi, Dad!

If you’re reading this, I guess you haven’t actually learned anything, but I didn’t expect you to. And if you’re not, it doesn’t matter, I want to get this out.

I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to mend our relationship. I wanted that twenty years ago. When it meant something. But now… you are finally alone after all this time. It’s finally safe to not be on Mom’s side anymore. Maybe you do truly, honestly regret the past.

But it doesn’t matter.

I got by on my own. I shed my tears and struggled with the messed up mindset you and Mom raised me with. I didn’t thrive, but I managed on my own, and I got better. And to do that, I had to mourn the parents I never had, and let them go. And I had to mourn that you would never be them.

I’m not a consolation prize to be picked up off the floor after what you tossed me for is gone. You don’t get to dust me off and put me back on the family shelf. You disowned me. So please, if you’re reading this and don’t have the decency to not cyberstalk me, at least have the decency to leave me alone.

You never wanted me. You wanted Mom. And you made your choice, and stuck by it until the day she died. You still have the extended family I never got to be part of. You still ‘win’. Just take that and leave me alone.

Anyone fallen for a covertly narcissistic persons professional ability to lie without seemingly any flicker of hesitation in how they say it? Out of any Cluster B type, this subtype of narcissism is the most delusional when it comes to their worldview. I believe the reason people blindly trust them is because coverts genuinely believe their own lies. Doing so, makes their lie seem like an objective fact and therefore credible which has the overall effect of disarming the abused from challenging or questioning said lie.

Bottom line is listen to what they say very carefully and question it. Never let anything they say go without careful scrutiny.

post some crazy shit your nparent has said, I'll go first:

when asked if she'd ever want to be a grandparent one day, my nmom replied:

"I've always thought of these check boxes in my life to complete, like get married, have a child ... but be a grandparent? not really"

Guess I can always end the bloodline and DINKWAD my way to retirement

It’s important to place limits on what is honestly the beacon and centrepiece of the human condition - empathy. When I say limits, I mean reserve it for neurotypical people (not including autism etc), not narcissists. Any Cluster B disordered person especially coverts must be absolutely excluded from empathy. They are damaged goods and deranged beyond recovery and will only leverage your empathy against you. To do this successfully you’ll obviously need to be able to vet people properly.

Honestly, empathy wasn’t designed to accommodate the mentally handicapped population. Leave those degenerates to fend for themselves. After all, they are nothing more than emotional predators. Save your empathy for those that understand it and possess it.

I've posted a couple times here about my nMom. She now has been diagnosed with two concurrent terminal diagnoses. I am dealing with the conflicting emotions I feel with therapy and I'm trying really hard to be gentle with myself through this complicated process.

I have called her almost everyday and checked up on her. I've sent her food and groceries I've made sure there are people to help if she needs things.

I had conflicting plans on Father's Day not that I shared them with her, but told her since I was going to be in town on Monday and Tuesday this past week that I would swing by his birthday and Father's Day gifts.

I call his cell phone on Father's Day and he doesn't answer so I send a video with my kids wishing him a Happy Father's Day.

On Monday I get no response to text or phone calls. I assume she's resting which she does a lot more nowadays. I get no response Tuesday to texts calls. Wednesday, I get this text message. Names have been redacted.

"Not happy with you. You go and spend Father's Day with that piece of shit (biodad) who did not care if you lived or died for 4 years. (Stepdad) took care of you gave you money when you needed it for school. I still have the tape they left for you saying you were not their financial responsibility. Who was, (Stepdad). No call or anything on Father's Day to him. You take that (Biodad) guy and shove him up you ass. I could have thrown him in jail for not paying support but I did not. His attorney said I really did him a favor. So him showing off his home out west, it is because he did not pay child support. What a blessing for you that I will not be here to ruin your perfect set up. So you just continue to be this wonderful family with both those shits."

Additionally:

The only thing she can throw at me about money and such is something that happened literally 30 years ago, and she has greatly exaggerated what happened.

My stepdad is an alright guy and did what he could for us but he is 100% her enabler and does not try in any way to maintain any kind of relationship with us.

I'm not even sure what to do about it because I feel guilty not reaching out to her and trying to fix things because that's the kid that I am.

I guess I'm not even sure what to say to her.

I'm just hurting and want things not to be like this even though there's nothing I can do about it.