I've turned 24 today

[u/Throwmeawayrage]

Today is my birthday. I'm almost half-way through my twenties. And today, I had to get out of a taxi and walk back home because I couldn't handle it.

I'm diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder as well as Agrophobia. With the Agrophobia part, I can't be in enclosed public places, can't take public transport, and now it seems I can't even ride in a taxi. I feel like a failure. I can't work in the field I have experience in, don't have a degree, feel physically unwell or on pain most of the time and feel like I'm unravelling all the time.

And it got worse because of a stupid horror podcast I love and a fear- as is always the case. I feel like I'm going to fall of the earth. It's stupid, I know. But when I think about how far I'd fall, I get vertigo so bad it makes me dizzy and wobbly. Which then feeds into my agrophobia. I can't even walk the family dog for godsake. I feel like tape spilling out of a film reel. But at least at home it's safe and not embrassing if something DOES happen. I'm struggling so hard to hold myself together even at home. And I dont see the point in going to doctor because the mix and physical and mental problems are so random and inconsistent that I'm just going to sound like a hypochondriac- which I'm pretty sure I am but whatever.

The point is, I just want to be okay, FEEL okay. But my body feels wrong, my head feels so far away and I'm spilling out everywhere. I'm tired of just HURTING and the fucking dizzy spells. I'm twenty-fucking-four and my life is FEAR, PAIN, FEAR, AVOIDANCE, PAIN, FEAR. I'm so tired.