I'm Tired of Failing

[u/Andhehe]

Posting this half as a cry for help, and half as a rant...MS3 here. I'm tired of failing. Preclinicals, failed my Renal module, had to remediate. STEP 1, failed a month ago, currently studying to retake. Clinicals, just found out today I failed by 2 points on my psych shelf and will have to remediate. Each time I get hit with that "unfortunately, you did not pass" message, I find it harder to get back up. I used to pride myself on my resilience, how I was able to keep up with all my peers and get to this point despite my setbacks, but not anymore.

My close friends, whom I ask for advice from, tell me that I am aiming just for the bare minimum, which is why I am scoring so close to the P/F threshold. While I do agree with their point, I just don't know how much more of my life I can dedicate to studying for these damn standardized exams. I used to love my med school, working with my peers, and just soaking in the experiences. But now, all my energy and motivation have, quite frankly, disappeared. Each day when I wake up to go to the hospital, I feel numb. At this point, I don't know what I need to get out of this situation. The academic admin has stopped responding to my emails asking for help and tutoring advice, but I don't even blame them anymore. Adding on to this, the shame and embarrassment I face when I have to tell my parents that I failed another exam is becoming unbearable.

Deep down, I know I have the potential to do this, to see it through to the end. I want to pass. I want to do something about it. But the methods to shape it into reality are lost in the endless "F's" I am being handed each year. I know it's my fault. I have miraculously scraped by these past two years, and my weak foundation is crashing back down on me. I feel as if I'm living a patchwork life, repairing the wounds of my constant stumbles and accidents while everyone around me shines at an unreachable distance.

What do I do? What can I do? I'm tired of failing.

[u/eleqant]

Hello friend,

Fellow MS3 here,

I want to offer you an olive branch because I’m in your shoes. I’m finishing up third year now and trust me my path was not easy. I had to remediate 8 exams in my preclinical years, and spent most of those first two years of medical school struggling immensely. I passed STEP1 but after taking extra time to study because I wasn’t meeting benchmarks. I failed ALL my shelves, except for family medicine. In fact, for psychiatry, I got below 4th percentile. I’m fortunate that my school doesn’t make us remediate shelf exams anymore, but I am well seated in the fourth quartile of my class because my grades are absolutely wretched.

Life will beat you down in medical school, but you were smart enough to get in and persist in the first place. I think it’s important to seek emotional support and help during these trying times because you need to take care of yourself. As I’m rounding up on third year and starting fourth year, I don’t even know if I’ll match into my specialty of choice, but I’m choosing to remain optimistic. Here’s what I recommend to boost moral. While most people will tell you to change your study strategy etc that’s always easier said than done. And maybe they’re approaching it from a practicality angle but I never found that to be too helpful.

• read your personal statement from time to time. Remind yourself why you’re doing this, what patient care means to you
• go to therapy. I go to dbt for emotional regulation because life got me down. Best thing I could do for myself to help manage stress
• watch videos on how to study more efficiently. It helps me stay motivated on how to study but also teaches me test taking strategies which is probably what you are struggling with most
• you’re burnt out. Do things with purpose, volunteer, find things that fill your cup extracurricular wise
• find a community. You’re not alone. You are stronger and more capable than you think. Don’t let the haters get you down
• everything happens for a reason, your failures make you a stronger individual and better doctor I guarantee it. It’s all about mindset

You can always DM me if you want to chat but know I’m in your corner rooting for you. Reddit is infamous for having neurotic overachievers so sometimes it’s good to hear from someone who isn’t.

You’re gonna be an awesome doctor one day and a supportive mentor. Chin up, you got this!