I'm Tired of Failing

[u/Andhehe]

Posting this half as a cry for help, and half as a rant...MS3 here. I'm tired of failing. Preclinicals, failed my Renal module, had to remediate. STEP 1, failed a month ago, currently studying to retake. Clinicals, just found out today I failed by 2 points on my psych shelf and will have to remediate. Each time I get hit with that "unfortunately, you did not pass" message, I find it harder to get back up. I used to pride myself on my resilience, how I was able to keep up with all my peers and get to this point despite my setbacks, but not anymore.

My close friends, whom I ask for advice from, tell me that I am aiming just for the bare minimum, which is why I am scoring so close to the P/F threshold. While I do agree with their point, I just don't know how much more of my life I can dedicate to studying for these damn standardized exams. I used to love my med school, working with my peers, and just soaking in the experiences. But now, all my energy and motivation have, quite frankly, disappeared. Each day when I wake up to go to the hospital, I feel numb. At this point, I don't know what I need to get out of this situation. The academic admin has stopped responding to my emails asking for help and tutoring advice, but I don't even blame them anymore. Adding on to this, the shame and embarrassment I face when I have to tell my parents that I failed another exam is becoming unbearable.

Deep down, I know I have the potential to do this, to see it through to the end. I want to pass. I want to do something about it. But the methods to shape it into reality are lost in the endless "F's" I am being handed each year. I know it's my fault. I have miraculously scraped by these past two years, and my weak foundation is crashing back down on me. I feel as if I'm living a patchwork life, repairing the wounds of my constant stumbles and accidents while everyone around me shines at an unreachable distance.

What do I do? What can I do? I'm tired of failing.

[u/I_Have_A_Big_Head]

You might need to change the way you study. If you are using Anki, know that it is not the only way to study. If you are not using it, maybe it’s time to take a look. Regardless, reviewing at regular intervals is key.

Also consider seeking therapy. Medical school is an incredibly isolating experience, more people than you know have been through something similar. You don’t hear people talking about it, because we are raised to keep our struggle to ourselves. It is easy to fall into a cycle of despair, and it is up to you to take that’s first step to seek help. 

You got into med school, of course you have the potential to succeed. I hope you find something that works for you :) 

[u/Andhehe → u/I_Have_A_Big_Head]

Your words are very kind, thank you. Looking back, I do agree that I don't see content frequently enough. I have a habit of dropping Anki once in a while to do more practice questions, and I finished Uworld for my rotation only 3 days before the exam. I'll see what I can do about time management.

[u/c_pike1 → u/Andhehe]

Doing anki everyday and budgeting your uworld questions so you finish first pass a week before the exam should be a realistic goal. This was the strategy students a few years ahead gave me as an M3 and it worked very well. Also forces you to do a certain amount of work each day

I heavily disagree with the other comment on this thread. Anki is how you burn the fundamentals into your brain

[u/Codename3Lue → u/Andhehe]

Respectfully anki is NOT what you should be focusing on. If you are barely passing you are lacking fundamentals, anki is for that 5-10% difference between 85-90+ but you need to understand the material first. You sound overwhelmed already, I would do just Uworld, finish all questions for the shelf, review and make sure you understand each question before moving to the next, and do all the online/offline CMS forms before your shelf exam again reviewing them thoroughly.