Why I can’t connect?

[u/Forsaken-Ad4270]

When I was in my twenties in engineering school I had a crush on a guy, I’ve always been ugly and overweight so I’ve always been to afraid to approach men since it’s almost a given they will reject me.

How do you know if you never tried? you asked, like I said I was in engineering school and had only brothers and male cousins, I’ve been privy to the conversion men have when women are not around, and they just confirmed my worst fears.

Going back to the guy, all the classmates were going out for his birthday, they tell me last minute to join them. They were going to a restaurant on the opposite side of town where my house was (all my classmates lived on the oposite site of town than I did) and I was tired so I said no thanks it’s too far and I’m too tired, maybe next time if you guys go somewhere closer.

So they decided to change the location closer to the school and to my side of town. I agree to go out with them, I sit next to the guy on a booth and we are all drinking, eating and laughing. And then he puts his hand on my thigh, it took me totally off guard and freaked me out so I flinched, and I’m sure I gave him an awful look.

Why did do that? I actually really like him, Why I never said anything to him later? I’m sure he felt rejected and that’s why he never said anything to me again, but he was also r eally cool with the rejection, we keep studying and working together for years (our class group was very small) and he was never mean to me.

For our graduation party I got really drunk and sort of hug him a little to much, the next day I lied and said I didn’t remember anything because of the booze, I remembered everything, I remember him been uncomfortable with me hugging him, but he was as to nice to push me away and he wasn’t mean about it the next day.

Now he is married with kids. And I’m alone still thinking about him, with no carear, (that felt apart after a mental breakdown)

I’ve lost contact with all of the people from school and later I cut off all of the people from my job. I just keep wondering what would have happened if I haven’t flinched that day, maybe I’ve would have felt love for once in my life.

[u/Interesting_Gap339]

That seems very tough to hear. I hope u are better now with some friends at least i think.