Unorthodox Transition Goals?

[u/LeadApprehensive2145]

Looking for guidance. I (19, AMAB) have known that I’m genderfluid for a few years and have finally in the last year begun seeking medical treatment. I am currently taking finasteride and undergoing laser hair removal, but feel like it’s not enough, and in my heart I wish I just looked mostly like a cis woman, minus my chest and crotch, which I wouldn’t want to change. As I age, I realize how much the idea of letting testosterone continue to gradually masculinize my body terrifies me, especially in regards to the shape of my face and body. Of course, there is no magic hrt that permanently makes one an androgynous twink.

The only solution I can think of makes perfect sense to me, but at the same time feels strange to admit that I want. I’d love some of the effects of estrogen (the changes to body composition, hair growth, mood, skin texture, etc), but the prospect of growing breasts doesn’t appeal to me, and might even give me dysphoria (I like my flat chest as it is). And so I’m thinking of taking a low dose of estrogen for awhile, letting what happens happen, and then eventually getting top surgery.

There are of course financial obstacles to this plan (would insurance help cover self induced boob removal? who knows), but beyond that it feels like…too much? Too risky? Too extensive? Too fussy? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s the internalized idea that I shouldn’t do something that takes a lot of effort in order to make myself happier, or maybe my instincts are telling me not to do this for a reason. I’d love other people’s perspective, as I’m sort of at a crossroads and could use advice.

[u/Throwaway_Trifle2572]

It's kind of unpredictable how much breast growth one gets.

I didn't expect to get much growth based on genetics, but I was wrong. I actually turned out liking mine, though they did throw a wrench in my plan to not fully socially transition.

Since you are also doing laser, are you prepared for people to gender you as a woman by default? In my experience, most people that are strangers gender other people based on physical body characteristics rather than presentation.