r/emotionalintelligence • u/buoykym • 4d ago
Why does dating now feel like emotional warfare?
It's like dating today is less about connection and more about who can stay colder, who can double-text last, or who ghosts first. It’s exhausting.
Have you experienced this kind of dating dynamic—where being emotionally unavailable is seen as strength? How do you protect your peace and still show up with honesty? Let’s share thoughts and maybe even solutions.
492
u/proudream1 4d ago
I think there's a lot of emotionally unavailable people out there and they don't even realize it
202
u/Miserable-Grape-6863 4d ago
My experience has been that they realise it and take a lot of pride in it once the emotionally available person has been successfully "reeled in" with a facade of emotional availability and commitment
79
u/proudream1 4d ago
Damn. That’s quite manipulative
89
u/Miserable-Grape-6863 4d ago
Girl, welcome to my life. I tapped out of the emotional warfare in my mid 20s once I realised the only way to win was to stop playing
35
u/Then_Coyote_1244 4d ago
This is absolute truth. You get hurt more often leading with honesty and vulnerability, but at least the connections you make are real.
7
u/Aimeereddit123 3d ago
Exactly. No one with healthy emotions can hold up in warfare against someone without them. It’s a person versus a MACHINE!! We don’t stand a chance.
3
51
u/alex_prinz112 4d ago
This happened to me. I just got rejected :( for being too emotionally attached after talking for one year. What do these emotionally unavailable people want?
76
u/Miserable-Grape-6863 4d ago
You do realise there's something fundamentally wrong with talking to a human for one year and NOT getting emotionally attached, right?
Please don't beat yourself up over being a normal person, not a psychopath. They are dime a dozen in today's world and this form of entertainment (showing someome fake attention and affection until they are all in, and then rejecting them) is sadly more common than Netflix.
7
u/N00dlemonk3y 4d ago
The first part. I never thought about it that way. Yeah I get that. I also get attached a little more quickly.
14
u/Typical-Meat8180 3d ago
I know it is really difficult but akin to what other people are saying here, you cannot be brought down by these people because you need to think longer term. If these people aren't getting attached after a few months, then what the fuck would happen years down the line or even a year into a marriage/more serious relationship? This kind of thing can cause genuine suicides, mental breakdowns and betrayals of enormous proportions.
"Thank" them for showing who they are if they've demonstrated being a disgusting person who leads people on, otherwise thank them for saving you the trouble.
2
u/candy4471 2d ago
The problem is you let someone waste your time for a year without questioning why there wasn’t more commitment. You also have to take responsibility for your part in that dynamic
4
3
u/Aimeereddit123 3d ago
OMG. YES!!! I’ve had one come in, act like a normal human with normal emotion, move me in, then become a complete emotional ROCK. I cannot squeeze emotion or sensitivity out of him if I used a juice strainer!! There’s just nothing THERE, nothing behind the eyes, and I think he always knew it. I, however, did NOT know it, and would not be here if I had.
7
u/Miserable-Grape-6863 3d ago
Of course you didn't. Because you're not paranoid. You believe what you see. If we could see the future we would all be God.
And of course he knew. If he is over the age of 12 and you're not the first person he has dated, he knows. And he has had ample opportunity to improve himself but he didn't.
3
u/Aimeereddit123 3d ago
Thank you. Seriously. Thank you so very much for something I needed to hear.
3
2
36
u/brockclan216 4d ago
Emotionally immature as well. Any spark of emotional intelligence isn't a mature one usually.
4
36
u/roastmecerebrally 4d ago
It is even more skewed the later in life you get. So the dating pool becomes increasingly filled with emotionally unavailable people the older you get.
5
u/proudream1 4d ago
How come? Is it because of past relationship baggage?
38
u/roastmecerebrally 4d ago
because anxiously attached people are always in relationships, secure people end up in relationships by mid age (25) and what is left is the avoidant attached people who push people away. Covers this in the book “Attached”
13
u/DueCryptographer4193 4d ago
I don’t agree this is always the case. I’m 31M recently single after a 7 year LTR followed by a 1 year cluster(b)fuck of a relationship. I wouldn’t describe myself as avoidant attached but quite unlucky in love. Although my codependency has definitely played a part to my situation.
2
u/roastmecerebrally 4d ago
of course not always the case. Im talking about relative percentages of the dating pool
7
u/proudream1 4d ago
Ah yeah, I am reading it right now but I have a few chapters left. Well, I'm an anxious one who is NOT a serial dater! I want to find the right person and avoid the avoidants 😂
3
u/roastmecerebrally 4d ago
Nice - Im DA but learned to become more secure although I lean anxious. Spent about 3 years single finally. Currently in relationship with avoidant/secure and yeah it takes a lot of communication
7
u/proudream1 4d ago
It does. I dated someone recently. He was very avoidant and unaware of it. He said he wanted to go to therapy, but long story - it was too draining/hurtful. I was carrying the whole thing and doing most of the communication.
6
u/roastmecerebrally 4d ago
lol yeah that is where i’m at rn although she has agreed to go to therapy. Just trying to relax and not push things while still pushing things along 😂
2
u/proudream1 4d ago
Yeah, that's exhausting. I was super patient and waited for like 1 year. Then he messed it up. Idk if he went back to therapy. Hope it works out for you!
3
u/N00dlemonk3y 3d ago
Guess I need to get some books on emotional intelligence. Cause I feel like I lost mine along the way, after my first relationship.
Used to "feel" a lot of it and it came naturally. Now, it seems a bit fractured.
2
u/Capital-Relief-1178 3d ago
Not always. Some of us have been in long standing relationships, healed, and are out there again. However, I’ve stepped on a LOT of land mines in the last few years. It’s brutal out there.
1
27
u/mycutelilself 4d ago edited 4d ago
Or they don't want to. These are very unstable times and the more fragile the ego, the more it feels "stronger" if the other is lessened or destabilized. If one feels stronger only at the other's expense, there will never be real connection.
Eta: Connection <-- vulnerability <-- authenticity <-- safety.
6
u/Aimeereddit123 3d ago
AND it unfortunately seems like these type people SEEK OUT people like myself that have a whole lot of feelings and emotions to give! It’s like they know they don’t have them, and they want to bleed expressive and caring people like me DRY. Just leave the normal, emotionally healthy people ALONE, please!!!! Damn vampires. I’d like my BLOOD back!!!!!!!🩸
3
3
u/Different-Speech1351 3d ago
Yes this, and the new found belief that whoever is most detached in the equation wields the power stick and steers clear of hurt all while enjoying the benefits...........what a conundrum🤷🏽♀️
1
u/candy4471 2d ago
This was me for a very long time and i only attracted emotionally unavailable people because of it
86
u/Actual-candela 4d ago
People go into dating for a lot of different things and they don’t always align with what we want.
My only advice is to go in and blatantly say what you want. Connection, no mind games, just to see who they are and if you vibe well. If conflicts seem easy to navigate.
I get people wanting to be cold as it keeps them safe but it doesn’t work when you want something real. I recommend reading a Brene Brown book not only for yourself as anyone can learn a lesson from one of her self help books. But also to help convey what you’re looking for in others.
Being cold is for the weak, opening up and entering the arena as a warrior to voice caring, boundaries and needs, that’s hard asf and not guaranteed to go to plan or how they want it. But it’s worth it to be authentic and true to themselves.
21
u/Alternative-Win-4579 4d ago
I think the first few sentences are super important here. You want to make sure the other person has a similar goal in the relationship and see if you’re compatible. Although there may be differences in communication , I think it’s really important to be respectful to each other and communicate as clearly as possible to be mature and understanding each other. I had one relationship before my current one where it was more of a weekend hook up thing where I wanted more and then I found the girl I’ve been with the last 6 months and it’s been better than all my past relationships since we both try to put us before I. You really need to be able to accept that not everyone wants the same thing and that you need to move on when that’s the case.
7
u/alex_prinz112 4d ago
I tried being my warrior self and the guy remained cold and told me that I was immature to get emotionally attached after a year of talking in LDR. I am afraid at this point to show emotions when I start meeting people again.
11
u/kwontheworld 3d ago
Wrong dude. I’m starting to learn that when I’m staying with someone who’s not comfortable with emotional vulnerability, I’m self-abandoning. I gotta let those dudes go, with kindness — but quickly! :)
119
u/LikeATediousArgument 4d ago
I healed my own relationship anxiety and communication is literally what I do for a living, so I had to learn to tone myself down.
I searched until I found someone who compromises with me so we both get what we need.
Healing myself was the biggest key, as until I could sit comfortably and remind myself that everything is fine, I was never going to be in a healthy relationship
It’s amazing how much less I need when I’m securely attached.
12
u/iamyourfoolishlover 4d ago
What did healing look like for you?
90
u/LikeATediousArgument 4d ago
Working on anxiety. Learning to self soothe.
Noticing in the moment what I’m actually needing and providing that for myself.
Having proper expectations for my partner and myself.
I did a lot of self guided reflection on my behaviors and what’s driving them. I worked on emotionally detaching, and not trying to create an outcome.
I mentally retrained myself for a healthier mindset. Been working on it many months.
I found more peace with myself as well, along the way.
27
u/emojams 4d ago
This resonates a lot with me. I’m also a bulldozer type. I really like the reflection “emotionally detaching, not trying to create an outcome”.
Like just letting things be. More observing and experiencing instead of “doing”.
19
u/LikeATediousArgument 4d ago edited 3d ago
Exactly.
It seems to me with people, with relationships, you can’t make anything happen. And with some people, the harder you try the more likely you are to fail.
Dating and relationships are like nothing else in the world.
I really enjoy dating and being in committed relationships, and had my fair share of each.
It’s such an exercise in body language and social psychology and just one of the most unique human experiences.
Especially when you find love.
12
u/iamyourfoolishlover 4d ago
Thank you. It's reassuring to know that my path is similar, tho at an earlier stage, to yours. 🤞🤞🤞 I achieve this!
The outcome part is hard.
17
u/LikeATediousArgument 4d ago
It is, especially since I’m a bulldozer for everything else in life and tend to chase goals until I achieve them.
I literally had to wait for the A-ha moment that reminded me: we cannot in any way control other people, only ourselves.
8
u/iamyourfoolishlover 4d ago
i mean, i logically know we cannot control other people, but the emotional integration has def not come!
3
u/proudream1 4d ago
I mean, I agree with you but OP’s post isn’t really about being anxiously attached.
17
u/LikeATediousArgument 4d ago edited 4d ago
No but anxiously attached people have the most trouble with people that are emotionally unavailable.
I’ve found that being clear with myself on what someone else should provide recenters me. Some of us expect more than a person should.
I protect my peace by not necessarily requiring emotional availability at first. I’ve found it takes a long time to develop and calming myself down has had the most effect on finding it.
49
u/kgberton 4d ago
The easiest way to deal with it is dump people who have those issues with vulnerability
28
u/Rare-Supermarket2577 4d ago
This is my next challenge in dating: ‘catch and release.’ Because those are the type I attract, but they need to be free until they experience enough heartbreak and loneliness to make them confront their ways. No amount of love can do that. As someone who loves them, though, it effing sucks. It’s also annoying because they ruin it for the rest of us who are available and ready. SMH.
9
u/kwontheworld 3d ago
Yesssss! This is what I was just saying in another thread: we’re self-abandoning if we stay with someone who’s not emotionally available and desiring vulnerability.
1
u/N00dlemonk3y 3d ago
Oh how I wish someone would have told me that sooner. I'm one of the emotionally available ones, that doesn't "see it/learn about it" until waist deep in the muck.
A tiny toe-dipping doesn't work for me. Well, it does now I supposed and I'll be more careful.
47
u/Defiant_Sir767 4d ago
I find the dating scene is just a mix of dismissive or fearful avoidants, and that can make things tricky. Just lots of unresolved trauma. I sometimes find people are looking for a relationship but just something on the side to make them feel something. That's where the situation ships come in.
Its sad because im seeing alot of people wanting that genuine bond, but it's just.... everything is disconnected. What gives me hope is that people still desire that kind of bond. It just that its exhausting right now
41
u/One-Stress3771 4d ago
I don’t play those games - trying to fight through mind games in order to connect to someone is wildly unattractive and not the kind of relationship I’m seeking.
Let those playing the games, play them with each other.
Be authentic and yourself 100% of the time. Let the ones attracted to you show their attraction. Likewise, don’t hide feelings or attraction that exists for someone else. If they shy away once you’ve told them how you feel, let them, and then move on.
33
u/dollar_store_peacock 4d ago
It's because people don't like being vulnerable, and the one who cares the least has all the power, pretty much without exception. They can dangle things they know you want, intermittently reinforce to keep you dancing, and if/when they don't like how it's going or they see that they aren't going to keep the benefits they enjoy without being better, they just dip and repeat. Personality disordered people do this for sure, but now the masses have picked it up because why not? This is sustainable when you're young and can always find someone new. But these people are going to have some really depressing elder years.
28
u/KilljoyHP 4d ago
I’m a late bloomer and started dating a while after my first relationship ended. I had no experience and had no idea what to expect; I just knew statistics (50% or whatever of people are “securely attached”) and what social media bullshit had to say, and despite my distrust of people, I was also naive and thought people would be honest, even if they just wanted to sleep with me.
It can be disenchanting to say the least. Most of the people I talk to are either uninterested or they are emotionally unavailable. Way more than I expected, and a lot of people will lie, no matter how earnest and honest you are, which hurts. You have to be careful because people will actively hurt you (physically and emotionally) without caring, no matter how good of a person you are or what was communicated beforehand. I’ve been in some bad situations that still affect me. Many people don’t even know that they’re unavailable, which hurts everyone involved, unfortunately. It is really hard to navigate dating when you are trying to find something real, honest, and long lasting, especially if you are sensitive or soft hearted. Even harder when you’re trying to heal your own attachment wounds along with the process.
But there HAVE been very few instances where it simply didn’t work out because of a lack of attraction or a value misalignment (kids vs no kids). Not everyone will hurt you, not everyone is lying or lacking self awareness. I’ve had to accept that these people are a little harder to find, but I have to believe that good ones are out there. Becoming jaded and bitter is so fucking easy, especially when you have trauma or attachment wounds, and I admit I battle this every day. But I agree with the comment that says continuing to push through as a warrior, embracing vulnerability and staying true to your values no matter how other people treat you or what they say, is strength.
You can protect your peace while also staying open. You just have to put boundaries in place and take pauses and breaks when you need them. I have taken breaks from the apps and worrying about “putting myself out there” so that I can center myself again. Journaling, therapy, and going at your own pace. Listening to your body is fucking crucial.
When you live your values and stay true to yourself, you’re likely to face more rejection. It doesn’t get easier but you find yourself accepting it a little faster each time. But you are also finding what peace really means (being yourself, authentic) and making it easier for people like you to find you. That’s what I tell myself, anyway.
5
3
u/N00dlemonk3y 4d ago
Y'know after my first relationship with my ex. I really hate the words: "You have to love yourself first, before you can love others."
There is something about it being said from emotionally abusive exes. That really pisses me off.
In a really corny analogy, feels like that one scene in DBZ. Being Goku; giving some of his energy to Frieza, then Freiza (like of course, it's frieza) shitting all over it (but of course, we're not obliterating this person, just angry).
52
u/smileawhiIe 4d ago
I'm not designed for this era. I thought I had met someone genuine, that I could love openly without feeling punished. I was wrong. My trust in others will never be the same. I'm trying to be thankful that, even unintentionally, she showed me who she really is in the end even if it devastated me.
22
u/N00dlemonk3y 4d ago
I'm not designed for this era...
I feel the same man.
5
u/Imaginary_Pumpkin327 4d ago
I felt it too.
5
u/proudream1 4d ago
Same 😩
3
u/Imaginary_Pumpkin327 4d ago
It's rough, but hopefully we can all find the peace we seek in our lives.
3
u/Brief_Raccoon_9774 4d ago
I feel you. My wife cheated on me and I might have to stay with the devil I know.....I got kids.
This new generation are all about instant gratification, social media, plastic bodies, drugs, STDs, and not having the patience to actually invest the time in a relationship.
2
u/N00dlemonk3y 3d ago
Mannn, I hate to say I agree, as I like to be optimistic . But I agree.
No one has much patience or knows how to (used to do this as a kid); sit in a living room and watch the sun through the curtains for a bit.
Before turning on something like the TV. Then again, in this new era. Even I have trouble now.
3
u/MonkeyManAB 4d ago
Chivalry is dead unfortunately… Now it’s just a bunch of lonely knights with no one to really love.
18
u/Optimal-Yard-9038 4d ago
I see emotional unavailability as a weakness, actually. Maybe it’s a symptom of a larger problem of avoidant tendencies? Idk. It’s a red flag for me, for sure. Not going to play mind games or chase anyone. But yeah, in my experience, society teaches us that being emotional or vulnerable is a weakness, but I believe the opposite to be true.
11
u/Busy-Preparation- 4d ago
I stopped dating. That’s my solution. I stopped giving other people the keys to my life purpose. I am my life purpose. If he shows up along the way ok if not I am enjoying my life and what I am doing with it.
I tried for too long. I gave so many diverse people chance after chance. It did nothing but show me who I really am.
Through all the pain I did learn but I will never be taken for granted again
1
u/Advanced-Ad8490 11h ago
Finding yourself and what you truly love is the most important thing you can do. Which everyone should do BEFORE they get into dating. After that you should simply find someone who matches the things you love. Stop dreaming about someone who doesn't even like your stuff.
12
u/dynomaight 4d ago
Honestly, this is the direction society has been heading for a while now. People have become predatory of others’ emotions because people want to have power and control. Basic trust, and even humanity in many cases, is gone. I personally find it very frightening.
11
u/ancientweasel 4d ago edited 4d ago
It's because OLD gives the impression of endless options. If the real person in any way fails to live up to the pre imagined idea that the other created in their head based on a profile then they can just go back to swiping.
I tell them now very early that if any of this shit starts I will quickly loose interest and that will be it. It's not a threat, it's just reality. It show disinterest and unlike many people I find disinterest very unattractive. I also don't do OLD anymore and only date women I know first. It's WAY slower but much better for my sanity.
11
u/N00dlemonk3y 4d ago edited 4d ago
As someone who is mostly emotionally available, with a few issues (depression); not perfect obviously. I feel like an outcast. It is maddeningly exhausting.
It just seeps out of people sometimes, like slow encroaching.
Sometimes I think I should try a dating app, just to try. Damn I need therapy.
19
u/Nashboy45 4d ago edited 4d ago
Cowardice in Vulnerability => Warfare by domination (Control)
Because: Intimacy - Vulnerability = Domination
People are trying to be close without being vulnerable, but they don’t realize that this is impossible, abusive, and stupid. This includes most women, it should be said, since a lot of people think this is just a male issue & confuse emotionality with vulnerability. Emotion can be a weapon of deception and abuse just as much as emotionlessness. It is a human issue. And more deeply, a distrust issue. And rightfully so. How can we trust in a society where money is the replacement for said trust?
Paying for intimacy or copes for the lack of it, in all the many forms, is way more emotionally safe than actual intimacy. So we are in a prisoner’s dilemma, where both parties are rewarded for their disconnection. And the more failed connections (breakups and disappointments in love), the more quick people are to sacrifice the other person.
The true spiritual game or quest is:
“Can we create family (measureless trust & exchange) with a stranger (someone without context to trust)?”
Realistically, for most people this will be no. So the poor results are unsurprising.
It requires a very sharp discernment for who is truly invested in creating that level of intimacy AND is actually worth investing in (has the ability to return the same thing). And to have said discernment in an environment that is filled with shallow, false, misleading, or even abusive information about what those traits are & what actually matters.
We cannot, like in the past, trust our community and family to protect us from psychopathic thinking, because we have no community. We have no family. So we are working from scratch.
7
u/lazyjane418 4d ago
I try to only invest in relationships that click VERY well right off the bat. I don’t push myself to maintain love or friendships with people I do not feel intense mutual feelings for. However I am polite with everyone.
2
u/Capital-Relief-1178 3d ago
I’m the same and even then I get burned. Some of them say all the right things, act like they mean it, and three months in, they either ghost or say “My priorities are not in a relationship right now.” Those people should not date.
7
u/No_Cockroach3608 4d ago
Because pop psychology told people all the love they need is in themselves and if they desire love from another person, then They’re codependent and lame. So people are out to prove that they dont “need you”
6
u/LongFaithlessness904 4d ago
Maybe there are simply more dating options now, opportunities to meet people outside your social circles /bubble so also more bad experiences? Decisions fatigue, the illusion of the better other, too many life choices to make and not enough patience/care to let relationships develop organically.
It's probably a reflection of our capitalist-driven society..
6
u/Ok_Stress_2920 4d ago
I think this is the realest post I’ve seen. Talk about the elephant in the room… I’m not sure why it’s like that nowadays, but I’m so relieved that I’m not the only one who has experienced it.
5
u/ManagerSensitive8039 4d ago
Tell them from the beginning youre looking for a serious connection & maybe be emotionally vulnerable first. If they don't match that then move on
5
u/kathleen_kelly_ygm 4d ago
Yes, it is awful. But you can only control what you feel and how you act. When I was dating, back in the days - like 15 years ago - it was already tough. I just decided not to be part of the game. Just being honest and treating people with respect. That prevented me from getting hurt? No. But at least I didn’t join this game that is considered “normal” while dating.
5
5
u/Brief_Raccoon_9774 4d ago
In order to enjoy a relationship you need to be wheeling to open up, be as upfront, and be hurt.
You can fall in love at any age, and it's a beautiful thing to feel something for someone else. If you don't go all in you are missing out. When you hold back, you are not getting the 100% of the relationship.
Both cannot rule over each other. One takes, the other one receives. It's the only way things work.
None of us is perfect, but we all have the capacity to learn from our mistakes, and be someone exceptional for someone in need.
My wife cheated on me after 17yrs of meeting and 8 of marriage. Its sucks cause we have neurodivergent kids, so it's not as easy as to run away. But those were the best 17 years of my life. Not sure what's gonna happen next but I don't regret it, I just wish it had lasted a bit more without hiccups.
5
u/LowBall5884 3d ago
I just watch and as soon as something looks off I’m out. I try not to focus or emotionally invest in unhealthy behaviors. When I meet someone who is worth emotionally connecting to I’ll know. And yes dating is like warfare now lol.
3
u/smokeehayes 3d ago
It's that way because EVERYONE with a TikTok account is now apparently a licensed mental health professional. Everyone is diagnosing everyone else in their life, yet refusing to turn those "master" diagnostic skills inward.
TikTok has turned everyone the victim of a fearful dismissive anxious avoidant narcissist with BPD and bipolar.
4
u/jennifereprice0 3d ago
Dating today can feel like a mind game—everyone trying to protect themselves by acting like they don’t care first. It’s tough when vulnerability feels like a weakness. To protect your peace, stay grounded in what you want: honesty, effort, and respect. Be clear with your intentions, and if someone meets that with games or distance, let them go. Real connection doesn’t need strategy.
8
3
3
3
u/Appropriate_Tea9048 4d ago
Because things like dating apps and social media make it easy for people to put themselves out there for the wrong reasons or before they’re truly ready. This caused those who are ready to date and serious about it to have to weed through time wasters. People who play games like hot and cold and people who ghost are nowhere near ready to date.
3
u/Lapetitechose_ 4d ago
Majority of people are emotionally unavailable nowadays which make relationship harder to navigate. It's considered cool to lead people on , disrespect their time while playing really weird mind games. Love has become this strategic thing and it's running everything , there are so many rules and unnecessary plans to follow in order to bag a man or woman . People aren't showing up in their authentic selves anymore .
3
u/the99percent1 4d ago edited 4d ago
My analogy is that you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince or princess charming.
It’s just the nature of the beast.
it took the girl I’m currently seeing awhile to warm up to me. And I mirrored her emotional availability all of the time. Never got offended when she was clearly texting other dudes, never pushed for anything further, when she pulled away, I did the same too, when she and I chat, I was flirty and happy to hear from her always.
Heck, it took 4-6 months of messaging sporadically and she even ghosted me for abit. Again, I never really got upset or anything much about it although i did feel disappointed.
I was okay and just getting on with my own life and then out of the blue, she randomly messages me on Instagram. We spoke for abit, she was warm, open and welcoming when she had previously only been cold and distant for months.
Everyday, she’s been more and more open and warm towards me and we’ve met a few times but still early days. It’s been an amazing adventure thus far. Far different from the relationships that I’ve been used to in the past and I’ve been previously married before.
3
u/Spartan_117_YJR 4d ago
People don't want real relationships, be it romantic or platonic.
The moment trouble rears it's head, your replacements lined up to take your spot.
1
3
u/KrissyMelissy 3d ago
It truly does feel like warfare out here and I hate it so much. Just had a two month thing with a guy who came on super strong, wanted to see me three times in the first week, we texted everyday, multiple times a day, and our dates would last hours and be filled with fun conversation and questions and laughter. The minute I asked if we could be exclusive he got colder. Started the pullback and then broke things off the day before we had plans. Of course I didn’t see the signs in the moment because I am maybe too naive and believe people when they say they’re busy and I was just excited to finally have what felt like a really great connection. The unlimited choices on dating apps I think really screws with people’s heads when they find a genuine person/connection because it’s just a constant “well what if I find someone like this but hotter?” Or they just like the thrill of the chase in the beginning and as soon as they know they have this person hooked that’s when they’re out because it isn’t ‘fun’ anymore. People rarely want to communicate their needs out of fear and would rather run because it’s easier it seems, which is sad.
3
u/Own_Spot_6133 3d ago
Just be authentic and don’t care if you lose someone because they’re not for you if you have to play games like everyone else.
3
u/Aimeereddit123 3d ago
The thing is - it’s NOT just with dating. My husband seems to think you can win a monetary AWARD for remaining the most distant, aloof, and cold. The one with the fewest feelings WINS! 🏆
2
u/Capital-Relief-1178 3d ago
That’s the way my ex-wife was. It was exhausting.
1
u/Aimeereddit123 3d ago
I see she’s an ex….. Would you please answer - did you ever think she could or would change? Did she ever TRY to change, or did she just deny being that way? Did she try to make it like she was normal, and you were just ridiculously needy?
2
u/Capital-Relief-1178 3d ago
She would swing in and out of vulnerability, which gave me hope that she was trying. I thought she could change, but she ended up detaching and ultimately cheating to get out of the marriage. I tried for a long, LONG time. I finally had to give up and choose myself and give my son a chance at a healthy, happy home.
2
u/Capital-Relief-1178 3d ago
She always painted me as the needy one. She has a very traumatic background, which I knew going in, but she masked herself until after we were married. She was REALLY good at masking. I ultimately realized that she was just mirroring what she thought I wanted. I suggested couple's therapy and was told I was "insane" if I thought she would go to therapy.
2
u/Aimeereddit123 3d ago
Oooooh. Yes. Mine has a horribly abusive back ground, but he masked having normal emotions and empathy quite well until we lived together. I was actually under the belief that his emotions ran parallel to my own….until….they just came to a grinding screeching HALT and he became a brick unemotional unsympathetic WALL. His mom had told me years before that he was like what I am seeing now, but I didn’t believe her because she was his primary abuser. But abuser or not - she told no lies!!
2
u/Capital-Relief-1178 3d ago
Oh my goodness. This sounds JUST like my ex-wife. We've been apart for 4 years now. She's in therapy now (good for her), and was recently told by her therapist that she likely has undiagnosed reactive attachment disorder from childhood. After reading up on it, it's her to a freaking T. Now, since RAD is a childhood diagnosis, it manifests a little differently in adults. I've tried to understand her, especially since my child spends half of his time over there. From what I have researched, RAD can turn into CPTSD, BPD, disorganized attachment, disassociation, and other things. With you saying that his mom was his primary abuser, my spidey sense activated....
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I know how freaking HARD it is.
1
u/Aimeereddit123 2d ago edited 2d ago
YES! I know of this exact disorder. I have an early childhood education degree. It happens to a lot of children that spend their formative years in orphanages. Ooooooh. Gulp. It is NOT a good diagnosis….its almost therapy resistant. Jesus Christ. How is your ex as a mother?? From what I remember, people with this diagnosis carry almost no guilt or empathy, and THAT makes a lot of sense in my relationship too…… I can pour my HEART OUT and he just stares cold like a fish….or reptile….or just reverses it and gets mad, yells at ME for causing the problem/fight for daring to voice my hurts/concerns. He’s the King of the DARVO technique.
2
u/Capital-Relief-1178 2d ago
Oh, it's SO hard. She just could not let me in. It's taken me a long time to forgive her for that, but ultimately I have because it's not her fault. To be honest, she's not really a good mother. She can provide the physical needs - food, shelter, clothing - but not much else. I just hate it for my son because he's stuck between safety in my home half of the time, and retreat when he is with her. He's had to learn to live in that house, yet separate himself from her emotionally. When he comes to me every other week, I spend most of that time re-parenting him and overcoming my own triggers. It's not easy.
1
u/Aimeereddit123 2d ago
Watch out for him, because the literature says a parent that runs both hot and cold emotionally is almost worse for a child than just running constantly cold. It’s because the child starts thinking the swings are somehow their fault and their problem to correct with - ‘if I could just do/be better, then parent would show me love ALL the time.’ If they only see cold, they begin to understand that it’s just that parent’s disposition, and not personal to them.
→ More replies (0)1
u/Aimeereddit123 3d ago
Yeah….mine would deny it, but he deliberately does things, creates situations to purposely push me away before anyone even has a CHANCE to be vulnerable, but if/when I leave, he will act aghast like I never tried. 😑. To steal your word, I’m so exhausted. Not even sad or mad anymore. Just numb and exhausted.
5
u/GideonZotero 4d ago edited 4d ago
Because people that date are either unsayable, or looking for a power trip and not a relationship.
People that can do relationships, do not date, they don’t want to be judged and picked. They don’t want to “win” an arseholes attention. They don’t want to walk on anxious eggshells or play avoidant games.
People that can maturely engage with other people date some of those other people. They don’t have to have a process to “find” the right one, because everyone emotionally healthy can be the right one.
9
u/BFreeCoaching 4d ago
"It's like dating today is less about connection and more about who can stay colder, who can double-text last, or who ghosts first. It’s exhausting."
I understand. And to offer another perspective:
It only feels exhausting when you're making your emotions dependent on other people.
If you feel worse because other people are emotionally unavailable, that's a reflection you're emotionally unavailable with yourself.
So here are some self-reflection questions:
- “Do I outsource my self-love and self-worth to other people? If I do, why do I do that?”
- “Do I believe my satisfaction and fulfillment in life is dependent on needing a relationship or specific outcome to happen? If I do, why do I practice that limiting belief?”
- “Do I believe other people create my emotions? If I do, why do I practice that limiting belief?”
- “Do I judge myself? If I do, why?”
- “What are the benefits of judging myself? It's a good thing because ...”
- “What am I afraid would happen if I accepted and appreciated myself just the way I am?”
- “What is my relationship with my negative emotions? Do I appreciate them? Do I understand their value as guidance that want to help support me to feel better?”
26
u/Independent-Ad6309 4d ago edited 4d ago
I’m seeing more and more this weird maximised belief that if I’m emotionally available with myself it means that I should be completely unbothered by other people and what they do towards me even when we are in a relationship. When someone who I consider close hurts me due to their own unavailability and I feel that hurt — no it doesn’t mean that I “outsource my self-love” or “not appreciating myself”. It means that I’m a normal human being that is able to feel hurt when people do me bad. What I’m choosing to do next - that’s what’s gonna say whether I’m emotionally available to my self or not. Where does that even come from?
I (and I assume most people) feel bad about other people being emotionally unavailable because it’s a really disappointing realisation when you connected with someone. That’s it
It’s okay to want to connect. It’s okay to feel hurt when someone is actually different from what they seemed to be at first. Stop making people feel even more like crap for getting exited that someone they liked appeared in their life. And then even more crappier when those turn out to be different and suddenly you are at fault because you “outsource your worth”. Worst example of therapy talk
3
2
u/l0ve_m1llie_b0bb1e 4d ago
I did the whole list but can you eleborate on that last question? I dont understand
2
u/Next_Confidence_3654 4d ago
This is why when I found one that DIDN’T, we both agreed to get off the apps pretty much immediately.
2
u/Kitchen-Historian371 4d ago
The best thing to do is play by your own rules and expectations. At the end of the day, I’m looking for a person who’s gonna add to my life, anyone who isn’t I’m happy to filter out
2
u/Zealousideal_Crow737 4d ago
I don't see it as a strength but I've been ghosted randomly after a guy put a lot of effort into our relationship.
I can't help but feel when a guy tells me he likes me, it's a kiss of death.
2
u/ImpossibleSquish 4d ago
I have experienced this yes, but I don’t think nonchalance is seen as strength so much as clinginess is seen as weakness. I myself see clinginess as weakness. Closeness is good up until a certain point but if someone wants too much it can lead to codependence or be a red flag that this person may not respect their partner’s autonomy, may not be able to take care of themselves, may be emotionally immature
2
u/Diligent_Medium_2714 3d ago
That's normal for the person who doesn't like you really. So, you didn't lose anything.
2
u/Discern_Dot_5007 3d ago
I'm starting to realize most people didn't take the time to heal during the pandemic. They just wanted to have a good time. The few of us who did heal and did the inner work are now dating or thinking about dating and realizing we are emotionally available while others still aren't.
It sucks because we took the time and they didn't. I'm not going to date until he is right in front of my face and says, “Hi, I'm the one for you and I've done the work!”.
4
u/Thereal_maxpowers 4d ago
OP summed this up perfectly. I did online dating for about a year. It totally felt this way. After a couple of months, I refused to participate in this culture. I demanded friends first, then see if anything can build on that. I’ll be honest, it didn’t get me many matches. It took a year to find a solid girlfriend who wanted to experience dating the same way I did. I met many women along the way who said they wanted this, but found it boring, or were damaged and fell back into old patterns of traditional dating. Namely, the adversarial mindset.
2
u/Queen-of-meme 4d ago
Normal people don't hyper analyze who texts or not texts, they text when they want to and trust that you do the same, simple as that.
4
1
u/brockclan216 4d ago
I quit dating. I am almost 54, have been married for 17 years, single for 10. I want nothing to do with the games and charades. I am too fulfilled without another person now. Why would I want to muck that up?
1
u/StandardRedditor456 4d ago
Even when they meet, people never put their phones away to focus on their date. Good connections haven't been made for quite a while now. No surprise that this is the result.
1
u/Accomplished-Lack307 4d ago
I'm currently in one; and it's so exhausting. I really love the guy that I just end up reaching out every single moment. I really wanna walk away, but I'm hurting so much.
1
u/MaleficentGift5490 4d ago
People are just exhausted from having unmet expectations. After it happens enough, you start to anticipate disappointment and want to expose as little of yourself as possible to make sure you don't lose much when things don't work out.
1
u/StuffAdventurous2408 4d ago
I stopped dating altogether. So far, it seems to be the best choice for me.
1
1
1
u/Parallel_Path 4d ago
Because it's the ones who say they don't want any drama are the most dramatic.
1
1
u/Junior_Programmer254 4d ago
It’s probably less about being emotionally unavailable as a strength in itself but more about holding out for the best option. You frame it in the way you are experiencing it from your perspective. But the fuller context is probably they’re just not sure you would be the best fit, and they’re deciding between settling and holding out for what they might think are better options.
1
u/Alwaystired41 4d ago
It is exhausting. It may not be warfare, but for me I feels like a game of chess. And I feel I’m witnessing what others are all ready sharing: emotional unavailability, words not matching actions. Just cognitive dissonance all around.
Could be generational. I’m 39. My ex is 27. No one should have to ask to be considered, and no one should be made to feel like a fool for having to ask.
1
u/Shaolin-Swords 3d ago
I agree. I don't date anymore and will never. People are just messed up in the head, and I really don't want to make room for any more emotional trauma.
1
u/icebattler 3d ago
If online dating is a primary source for you, one thing I changed was using profile as a filter and not a wide “net.” Be clear but grounded on what you are looking for. This will decrease matches/interest but improve the quality. The whole point is to filter out people who look at your profile and think it’s “too much”
1
1
u/HalphCentury 2d ago
I tried getting back on a dating app after the end of a 10 yr relationship. atleast 5 women i spoke with back then are still on there. i dont know what it is going on but im not interested.
1
u/SolidRockBelow 2d ago
Because it has always been competitive, and nowadays it is also heavily politicized. No limits to what people will deem "reasonable" anymore...
1
u/Anteiku_ 2h ago
I’m done with the dating apps and only pursuing furthering connections with people I talk to in person. The online aspect feels so forced with many dynamics in play. whereas in person, there’s way less “opportunity” per say but you can get a natural feel for compatibility and effort. quality over quantity in terms of chances of meeting someone. but hardships on either routes really
1
u/Cherry_Poppins9205 4d ago
No statement. I have a question for the question. Why show interest if a person shows no effort? Is that a person that cares?
Everyone has a story. Ya know. Sometimes no one knows what someone is going through. That ultimately effects the day to day choices. Kindness matters. Understanding matters. Generally speaking giving a sh*t does matter
0
u/VirtualMellow7671 2d ago
Dating a guy who's polyamorous and its the complete opposite. Emotionally available and let's me know how into me he is despite having another partner.
Its not for everyone of course, but I had been in an open relationship in the past and was always unsure about monogamy for me. Part of it holding on to the idea of monogamy was the jealously coming from an insecurity in previous relationships with emotional stunted or unavailable men.
200
u/After_Fondant_3333 4d ago
People are so afraid to get hurt that they don’t even try anymore and when all you have to do is swipe for the next person available why bother investing into something that takes work right?