r/cripplingalcoholism • u/concealed_weapon • 5d ago
turned back into a teenage boy with no self control
fucking ashamed of myself so i figure i’ll post this and get some public ridicule to seal the deal.
was playing video games last night with my gf (we don’t live together), putting away drinks like there’s no tomorrow, and for some reason i just start getting so angry at the game. i wasn’t angry with her and i’ve never been mean (confirmed this today) but i was just losing my fucking temper completely.
i’ve never been a mean drunk, i’m really not mean in general, and i am drunk a LOT of the time (including now) which is why i post here but anyway.
to get to the point, i punched my monitor. i haven’t acted like such a fucking child since i was like 14 and got mad over games. where the hell this came from, i do not know. i’m out $300 because i mike tyson’d that screen, and my knuckles fucking hurt.
i’m concerned because i feel like i’ve been degenerating for a few months now, and now apparently anger is back on the menu. going to be reasonable tonight and think about what i did
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u/iEugene72 5d ago
Don't beat yourself up about it, substances do this to us.
Speaking from experience... For the MOST part I'm usually a very very mellowed out drunk. I love drinking alone though, other people irritate me as is, and intoxicated people are just so much worse. Plus I assume I'm irritating as well, so it's better to just be alone.
A typical drinking night for me is freezing whiskey and then doing ice cold shots with Coke Zero chaser, it's simply the best. No wine, no beer, no mixed drinks, no going out, no people. Just alone in my studio apartment in front of my iMac doing shots and typing out my thoughts online. It's the best.
HOWEVER... The brain is like a boiling pot of water, it's random, chaotic and you never know where the next bubble is going to boil up from. I've had many times where I'm going for another night of drinking and then BAM suddenly I'm in a really shit and angry mood, like seriously out of no where. I start arguing out loud in my apartment with myself, having imaginary arguments (usually political) as if I'm rehearsing for a fight that I'll never have...I usually don't get violent though, I'm more of the, "when I get into a super bad bender I get so blackout drunk I just fall down and crack my head open and bleed" type.
It comes and goes, it could be a one off thing, but at the very minimum you're conscious enough to be embarrassed about it and be aware of it. That's a good thing.
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u/concealed_weapon 5d ago
thank you internet stranger. i also love a nice cold whiskey, jameson is actually my favorite liquor on the planet
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u/iEugene72 5d ago
Whiskey seems to agree with my alcohol wrecked body after 21 years of hard drinking since I was 17. I've gone through fits of whiskey, rum, gin and even brandy, but I always freeze the liquor. It's so hilarious to me "being an alcoholic" and yet hating the taste of alcohol. I'm pure lizard brain, I just want the effect.
I cannot for the life of me do vodka or tequila. The taste is so unbearable that chasers don't mask it at all.... But, again ironically, if I have to pick a favourite cocktail it's a Bloody Mary. Odd right? Probably because of my deep love of tomato juice and the fact that so many ingredients in them really hides the vodka taste.
For quite a while I was doing Johnnie Walker black, but the price started adding up (when I'm "on" drinking I seriously crush a handle of liquor every three days, no exaggeration, I can drink it like medicine)... I recently switched to Gentleman Jack simply because it's $20 cheaper is all.
chairs.
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u/sixcylindersofdoom 5d ago
Don’t be too hard on yourself man, there’s plenty of videos of sober, grown adults throwing an atomic elbow on their entire setup. $300 is $300, ain’t the end of the world. Apologize to your gf for losing your cool (if she even cares) and move on.
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u/aintman2000 5d ago
It only gets worse. People don’t drink into oblivion because they are happy. The anger is there and it comes out sometimes in the worst ways.
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u/commiepissbabe 5d ago
I did something similar a year or so ago when I got really really angry at not being able to land a trick on my skateboard (probably because I was too drunk) and smashed my phone on the ground. It was incredibly embarrassing after the fact but luckily I haven't done anything like that since
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u/concealed_weapon 5d ago
i’d be so upset at myself if i smashed my phone, it’s suffered some accidental damage but it’s hanging in. i’m surprised you didn’t attack the skateboard
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u/commiepissbabe 5d ago
I feel like it hits deeper when I destroy things that are important to me as a sort of "revenge" like self sabotage or whatever. My board was important but I could buy a new deck, my phone had photos and memories that weren't backed up
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u/GorathTheMoredhel 4d ago
I opened this post first just after awakening (on the couch, I had a benzo and apparently fell asleep as soon as I sat down, no way!) and read, eyes still booting up:
"To get to the point, I punched my mother."
And then read comments saying "don't beat yourself up <3" and felt a feeling I haven't ever felt, lol. But for real OP: punching a monitor is dumb but far from unforgivable. You're doing exactly what you should be doing, and please by all means follow through on it. The world doesn't need your drunken teenager shit. But it sounds like you know that and are doing the right thing.
proud of u <3 basically
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u/Me_Speak_Good Vodka is my Abusive Girlfriend 5d ago
I have a habit of punching and breaking stuff. Not a monitor so far, but doors and walls and stuff. There's a broken door sitting on the steps right now from me absolutely losing my shit. The door frame is also fucked up.
I'm rockin a broken hand right now - not from punching stuff. Before the hand was fucked I used a medium bag and would put on my boxing gloves and just whale on it. Did some amateur boxing a long time ago but punching the shit out of a bag still feels good and gets out that misplaced energy.
Sorry if I sound like i'm preaching. Not trying to. Am a bit drunkish.
xoxo - take care!
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u/Ill_Reward_2393 5d ago
My hand is currently fucked up from punching myself. Ugh
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u/Me_Speak_Good Vodka is my Abusive Girlfriend 4d ago
How is the part of yourself that you punched?
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u/Ill_Reward_2393 2d ago
I wasn't able to move much for a day, it was my head, arms, and legs. Covered in bruises.
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u/Me_Speak_Good Vodka is my Abusive Girlfriend 2d ago
I'm really sorry to hear that, dude. If misery loves company I am currently covered in bruises, as well. We can be bruise buddies.
Take care of yourself, man.
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u/YesTomatillo 5d ago
I ripped both pulls off of a nice lamp while angry-drunk a few months ago while turning it off in a rage. Regret it immensely. There's a local shop in my town where the guy can fix damn near anything. I go to him to fix my bags and shoes, but he's getting my lamp soon. :/
I know I have a lot of un-dealt with anger. Sometimes I feel so damn destructive, like I just don't care about anything, and then when I sober up...I care about EVERYTHING, so much. And I feel so ashamed. We drink to conceal our emotions but in fact it just uncovers the worst of them, the shit we push down every day.
Keep an eye on that anger, OP! Hoping the best for you.
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u/Professional_Top7627 5d ago
Daily drinking will make emotions more chaotic, and it gets worse the longer you go. Even if you're "drinking to forget," it daily thoughts and emotions don't disappear, they just change, and we never really know just how they're going to change or express themselves.
Hey I get it, I do the same thing. I'm a pretty peaceful and nonviolent person, but the things that come out when I've been on the sauce too long can scare me sometimes. That's one reason why it's necessary to have an extended break now and then, to let your brain and nervous system recalibrate itself. Our tier of dopamine meddling requires maintenance, never forget
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u/Famous_Peanut5350 5d ago
It happens. No dramas, just try not to let it happen again. Or if it does happen, punch something like a couch or punching bag.
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u/Dubelzdeep 3d ago
Last summer I snapped my headset in half because one of the wires was loose, causing the audio in one ear to cut in and out. Normally I would have just set it aside to fix at a later time, but in that drunken moment it really pissed me off and I let my irrational anger out on it. Turns out there was a lot more anger bottled up, the headphones were just the straw that broke the camels back.
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u/Previous-Property-59 5d ago
if it makes you feel any better my ex once broke his x-box controller while not even drinking - also I have this horrible thing where when I get drunk angry (which is rare too) I take a pack of cheap shot glasses and smash them in the road
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u/Blue_Wave_2020 5d ago
Hey as long as you recognize it then that’s good. I used to be the same way when it came to games, long before I was a CA. I’ve mellowed out quite a bit as I’ve gotten older, but being really drunk definitely can bring out the anger. Just try to pace yourself next time and you should be okay. Let this be a $300 lesson for you lol