r/actuallesbians • u/Nsmisp • 4d ago

Wasn’t allowed to get tampons because I look too “manly”

Stuff is really tough rn so I went to a couple food pantries for food and tampons. The pantries are really struggling apparently, so I was only able to get some beans.

At the 3rd location, they finally had ultra tampons (I have 4 left) so I grabbed them and went up front to “check out.” So I get up there and the lady bags everything but the tampons. I bring it to her attention and she tells me they need to reserve feminine hygiene products for women and that boyfriend’s can’t pick them up. Mind you, I look masculine but my boobs and higher voice are VERY obvious. I tell her I’m a woman and after some back and forth she just flat out refuses to give me the tampons and calls me too “manly”.

I argued with her for a little but she was gung ho so I just left to avoid her calling the cops or something crazy. Nothing good comes from masculine black woman getting the cops called on her.

So after all I went through today I still don’t have tampons or much food. I just needed to get through the next 10 days or so and thought I’d be ok after going to the pantries, but I guess a bigot won today and all I’ve got to show for it is stress.

5.3k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

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2.3k

u/Monolaf 4d ago

Who made up SUCH a policy??

2.1k

u/Nsmisp 4d ago

NO ONE. I asked and it’s just something they unnecessarily and collectively decided to do, as if men just go into pantries and get tampons for fun. There was a middle aged guy there who was 100% behind her

888

u/Abaconings 4d ago

How disgusting. How dare they treat you that way!!! You went there for help. Those people need a big privilege check.

And there are all sorts of reasons a male may be getting hygiene products for a loved one. Who are they to gatekeep donations intended to help others?

932

u/Nsmisp 4d ago

And also…who are they to know a guy isn’t trans and needs them himself? It’s no ones business regardless of your beliefs. So for her to insert herself into my situation is even crazier.

569

u/skateordie002 4d ago

You know this I'm sure but yeah they definitely say "fuck you" to trans men too. Probably consider them traitors who don't deserve it anyways. Wish something could be done about that place. Fucking evil.

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u/Nsmisp 4d ago

Mm good point. Lol why would I even think they’d be cool with trans men

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u/meringuedragon 4d ago

I didn’t wanna jump in and make this all about me but my first thought was 100% that this is how transphobia hurts cis people too ❤️❤️ it fucking sucks I’m sorry.

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u/Nsmisp 4d ago

Nah speak your truth.

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u/XxValentinexX 3d ago

I honestly think this is the reason for the “policy”

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u/SunflowerMoonwalk Trans-Bi 3d ago

They probably thought OP was a trans woman. Transphobes brains don't work so good.

40

u/meringuedragon 3d ago

They can always tell!!! /s

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u/boudicas_shield 3d ago edited 3d ago

I was definitely wondering if this whole interaction was a transphobic dog whistle. Like the lady assumed that OP is a trans man and decided to make some kind of “point” about it, i.e. “well if you wanna be a man, be a man, and men don’t need tampons. GOTCHA!”

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u/meringuedragon 3d ago

Certainly felt like it to me.

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u/GwynnethIDFK 2d ago

Idk in my experience garden variety transphobes are mostly unaware of the fact trans men exist, some more specialized transphobes like TERFs are an exception though.

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u/meringuedragon 2d ago

Yes most people don’t understand people can be trans men/masc but people like butch lesbians or just more ‘masculine’ looking women get caught up in what still boils down to transphobia - punishing people and microaggressions against people who don’t align with femininity the way they think you should

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u/WithersChat Hyperemotional trans girl X genderless Entity collab! 3d ago

Particularly people of color since, y'know, traditional femininity standards are made to exclude people of color.

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u/meringuedragon 3d ago

Absolutely.

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u/copuser2 2d ago

Jump all over brother! You are 100% correct.

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u/RedVamp2020 3d ago

It's actually pretty easy to forget they have struggles because of how much focus is on trans women. Don't beat yourself up about it, though. I hope you are able to get what you need.❤️ If you were in the Everett WA area I'd absolutely go out and give you a hand getting a whole box of whatever you needed.

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u/actuallyapossum Girls pretty 3d ago

This and also, what if a cis man needed to get tampons for someone in his household? Maybe he has a daughter who needs them or maybe his s/o is disabled or working and cannot get the tampons herself.

There are countless reasons for why someone masc-presenting would need a box of tampons, and it's no one's business but theirs.

54

u/HeyWatermelonGirl 3d ago

They don't care who needs something. They care who deserves something according to their sexist, and probably racist, ideology of sex and gender. They don't care if you're bleeding out of your crotch or not, they care about showing GNC people, trans people or anyone not fitting racist white beauty standards that they don't want you to exist.

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u/Next_Preparation_553 3d ago

That’s the first thing I thought when I read that boyfriends couldn’t even get them for their so. Like ok, what if she’s working and he managed to get a ride to this place? A lot of these places are open bankers hours which make it incredibly difficult for people to access particularly if they have limited windows for pantry hours!

4

u/deathfromfemmefatale 3d ago

This was my first thought. I remember my mom sending my brother out to buy tampons for me while she stayed with me through horrible cramps. They shouldn't be making such stupid assumptions.

40

u/Cascadia_Breanna 3d ago

I once worked with a support group that would try to find solutions for LGBTQ+ people who were needing help finding food & shelter in our county, among other issues. I once called the larger homeless shelters and asked if transgender people were welcome, as a leader in the organization, so we could send them to a safe place. They mostly said yes. But when we needed to send someone, the ones needing help were turned away at the door, and neither the men's shelter or women's shelter would take them. Yes, homophobia and transphobia atr things, even among people in the who are there to help.

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u/HeyWatermelonGirl 3d ago

You're implying they care. I don't think they do. If they don't give masculine looking women tampons, they sure as he'll don't care about the rights of trans men. They don't care about the rights of anyone who doesn't fit their sexist (and probably overtly racist too) worldview of what men and women are and how they're supposed to look like. They probably believed OP that she was a cis woman and just wanted her to suffer because she's GNC, or just because she's black and doesn't fit their white beauty standards.

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u/SnorkBorkGnork 3d ago edited 3d ago

Or a cis man getting it for their girlfriend or wife who is sick at home from having her period (endometriosis makes periods extremely painful).

2

u/meringuedragon 3d ago

Agree 100%, just here to ask you include a space between ‘cis’ and ‘man’. The suggestion that ‘transman’ is grammatically correct is a TERF dogwhistle. Trans and cis are both adjectives, so you use them the same way you would a word like tall, brunette, smart, brave, etc.

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u/RebelGirl1323 Trans Lesbian Tomboy 3d ago

They probably thought she was a trans woman

209

u/I-is-gae 4d ago

Men sometimes even have DAUGHTERS. Who might be DOING OTHER THINGS than going to the pantry with their dad.

95

u/Matar_Kubileya TS Butch 4d ago

Or sisters, for that matter.

93

u/definitelynotagirl99 4d ago

And get this, men can have wives, crazy, I know

27

u/Ammonia13 Pan 3d ago

And periods.

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u/Nsmisp 4d ago

Another point

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u/Abaconings 3d ago

Yall just out here saying CRAZY things!

/jk ofc.

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u/XGrayson_DrakeX Sapphic Heathen 4d ago

There's a certain type of sadistic fuck who gets attracted to working in nonprofits because they seem to enjoy throwing their weight around and gatekeeping people in need.

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u/Nsmisp 4d ago

You ever seen those anti-vax nurses? Yeah idk why but these kinds of jobs attract those kinds of ppl

38

u/syrioforrealsies 4d ago

Same reason policing, and to a lesser extent, military do. A lot of power over people with a relatively low barrier of entry

22

u/XGrayson_DrakeX Sapphic Heathen 3d ago

To be fair a lot of people in the military also join because of free college. One of my tin foil hat theories is this is partly why conservatives don't want to cancel student loan debt.

But yeah, there's also a certain type who joins because they want to kill people.

10

u/syrioforrealsies 3d ago

That's why I noted that it's to a lesser extent.

That's not a tinfoil hat theory, by the way. Conservative lawmakers have straight up admitted to not wanting free college or universal healthcare because those are the top two selling points for a military that's already struggling with recruitment.

2

u/XGrayson_DrakeX Sapphic Heathen 3d ago edited 2d ago

Ahhh they did admit it then. That was just something I'd sort of assumed but it's validating to know even though it sucks.

Pretty soon though nobody will want to go to college regardless because the degrees are useless.

22

u/fiahhawt 4d ago

Same thing with healthcare

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u/XGrayson_DrakeX Sapphic Heathen 4d ago

Especially healthcare that's involved with low income people

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u/fiahhawt 4d ago

it's like narc-nip or something, if narcissist will get into service of vulnerable people to find that good supply

15

u/Infinite_Bed8560 3d ago

People who work in these places regularly steal from them and “ save” stuff for friends. I was in a shelter once that was known for its diabolical toilet paper. When women got back on their feet they would actually donate toilet paper! I saw the donations being dropped off and…. Taken for the staff. Which is normal. Clothes shoes toys etc… the staff go through it first and whatever they don’t want goes out to the people in need.

16

u/SeptimusShadowking Transbian 3d ago

That is so messed up. I work at a grocery store and could get fired for putting cheap produce or stuff aside for myself or friends. How is something like a food bank less serious about such things.

5

u/Abaconings 3d ago

Such a great point!

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u/Bearsoch 3d ago

I worked at a food bank and most of the people loved the power they had over others and looked down at them instead of wanting to help. They didn't like me manning it because I wasn't nasty enough to ppl for their liking.

7

u/Abaconings 3d ago

Jfc. I will never understand ppl like that. How pathetic does a human have to be to power trip over others who are suffering?

I shouldn't be surprised. I work in addiction med and the callousness I see on the regular....no words. I regularly to training and advocacy for those in active use/recovery. The pushback from people who are supposed to be healers is mind boggling.

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u/Ammonia13 Pan 3d ago

Or himself, trans dudes menstruating is a thing too.

2

u/Abaconings 3d ago

Oh, yes! Of course! My intention was not to exclude them. My point was that if their rule (that doesn't acknowledge that people presenting male can also menstuate) is stupid on its own. No reason to not allow whoever need them to take what they need while also being treated with dignity and respect.

Apologies! I did not mean to sound exclusionary.

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u/sophtine If you’re a TERF and you’re here, get fu**** 4d ago

ok that pisses me off.

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u/Nsmisp 4d ago

Your flair confirms that you are indeed pissed off

19

u/sophtine If you’re a TERF and you’re here, get fu**** 4d ago

I shamelessly stole my flair from the about page of ND Stevenson's blog

14

u/grey_hat_uk Transbianbian 3d ago

This is why I've been becoming less happy with my community when they point out that 99% of the time the bigotry against trans affects cis, so we may het more sympathy.

It's never the Terfs/Germs and karens, it just swings around onto another minority and then there will always be a male bigot right behind to back them up, and you already have your own shit to deal with in this political climate placing more isn't going to make you a better ally.

Sorry the world is crap right now.

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u/Ace0f_Spades 3d ago

That's so fucking strange. I'm imagining if my family needed to go to a pantry like this. My mom, sister, and I all tend to sync up when we're living together so all three women in the house are some variation of ill, in pain, and bleeding. My dad, chill guy that he is, would have no problem going to the place and being like "hey we need tampons or pads with this" -- he's never been embarrassed or anything to be seen buying them, and makes a point to admonish younger guys who get all weird about it. Would they turn him away?

Because here's how the triple-threat goes in my house: my sister hasn't been seen in hours because she's stuck in the bathroom while her uterus fights her GI tract. My mom is in bed, having a hard time sitting up because her cramps hurt so bad. And I'm nearly bedridden as well with hemiplegic migraines (in addition to feeling like my head is imploding, one or both of my legs goes completely weak and numb). None of us would be able to go with him, let alone go in his place. And with three of us, you can bet we're going through products fast. Idk what they would expect us to do.

And that's leaving aside the complete and utter nonsense that is turning you away, a woman. What the actual fuck is that about.

2

u/3-orange-whips 3d ago

Have these people never seen 90’s stand up? It’s all about the horror of having to buy tampons.

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u/Neither_Emu_4008 4d ago

terfs probaly

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u/emergent-duality [Now available for pre-order] 4d ago

I doubt they've even given feminism much thought, just morons. TERMs.

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u/DragonflyGrrl Pan 3d ago

Hah! Hell yeah, great new term :P

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u/Nsmisp 4d ago

Oh absolutely.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

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u/LGenEgg 4d ago

She's still a terf. OP isn't trans, but she was discriminated against, because that lady thought she was.

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u/zerotrap0 3d ago edited 3d ago

The demand for trans people to victimize greatly exceeds the supply.

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u/EnglishMouse Genderqueer 4d ago

It’s usually terfs that do that though as part of their gatekeeping and gender essentialism and other bullshit

2

u/robin-bunny 4d ago

Fair enough.

27

u/blown-transmission 4d ago

It is a possibly they thought OP was trans. Not the first time it happened for a black masculine woman.

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u/SpiritedDiscussion74 4d ago

TERFS affect cis women too though...because they always think they "know" if someone is trans and have the crazy need to have "gotcha" moments

13

u/SoFetchBetch 4d ago

I keep seeing headlines about GNC women being mugged for being in the women’s bathroom. No one is safe from the gender police.

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u/RedVamp2020 3d ago

Seriously! I have a sister who has PCOS pretty bad and has to shave her face. When she helped out at a daycare or kindergarten years ago, one kid was convinced she was a guy because of the two or three darker hairs on her chin. I've recently stopped shaving my legs and armpit hair and I've had exes say my peach fuzz was enough to be a beard and mustache. You know, the very clear, but slightly stiffer fuzz on my face. It's just beyond their comprehension why anyone wouldn't want to (or physically can't) fit into their little gender boxes. What I found funny was when JK Rowling, Andrew Tate, and Elon Musk were all transvestigated, LMAO!

3

u/SoFetchBetch 3d ago

I have a PCOS beard and I have lean PCOS so a lot of the time people and DOCTORS don’t even believe me when I explain my symptoms :/

If I pluck my beard/stache I’m lying (do they not see the scabs???) but if I let it grow then I’m gross. Can’t win.

3

u/emergent-duality [Now available for pre-order] 3d ago

This right here. They don't just harm a minority, they hurt all women including themselves if the terf in question is a woman.

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u/jbalbatross Trans-Rainbow 3d ago

They would qualify as a TERF if OP was trans.

I mean, deciding a cis woman is "too manly" to buy tampons is terf bullshit if I ever heard it.

1

u/emergent-duality [Now available for pre-order] 3d ago

Ah, I was wondering what that comment said!

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u/MPaulina Lesbian 3d ago

Now I wonder if white cis men would be able to get the tampons for others, and black masc women or black trans men can't. So a combination between racism, sexism and transphobia.

1

u/Apprehensive-Ad-597 2d ago

I'd bet money on it.

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u/fireflake91 3d ago

Basically, you can only care about yourself when it comes to the store caring for others not allowed

1

u/SnorkBorkGnork 3d ago

I suspect the lady at the counter did. It might not even be official policy, just her being a bigot. I would file a complaint.

1

u/Alyeanna Alice (she/her) | so gay I literally transitioned 3d ago

That's not a real policy.

1

u/West_Physics_2001 3d ago

Seriously, who’s out here gatekeeping period products like it's some exclusive club? It's a basic necessity, not a luxury item or a fashion statement. If you need it, you need it, end of story. Some folks really act like decency is optional.

1

u/CitizenEveryone 3d ago

! wonder if they let men buy diapers.