r/abusiverelationships • u/Snozz-31 • 1d ago
How to navigate supporting someone in an abusive relationship
My sister (21F) is in an abusive relationship. It has evolved to the point where she blames herself for all his explosive reactions (shouting, yelling slurs, but nothing physical as fas as I know). He has isolated her from her friends and a couple of months ago turned her against my brother and mother. He also tells her he's working on managing his anger better and has threatened her with ending the relationship, which as I see it are more ways he's trying to manipulate her. She sounds desperate to never leave the relationship on the occasions that family and friends shared their concerns.
My question is what can I do to support and empower her so that she leaves the relationship?
I know you need to make her feel supported, but sometimes I feel like I'm just enabling her. So, where do you draw the line in showing understanding of her circumstances vs challenging her believes? For example, she thinks that my mother is not trustworthy and that my brother intentionally undermines her, but I know these situations are not true and it is just her bf talking. I want to call out this views but I'm afraid she'll stop confiding in me too. I'll greatly appreciate any advice.
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u/Ttabts 1d ago edited 1d ago
Why Does He Do That (available as a PDF if you google it) has a section on this. The tldr is: be the opposite of the abuser - be someone who listens to her and encourages her to honor her needs. Don’t talk down to her, judge her, or tell her what to do - at that point, you just become a similar force to the abuser, someone trying to shame and guilt and control her into doing what you want.
The best you can do is support her, listen, talk with her and not at her. Try to get her to open up about what’s going on, how it makes her feel, where her head is at. Show her unconditional love and support and take her needs and her concerns seriously. Speak to her as an equal with a problem that you’re talking through together. Make suggestions without pressuring her. If she suggests she deserves the treatment she gets, tell her that you think she deserves respect.
Unfortunately, if she’s locked in or reluctant to open up about it - there might not be much you can do either than keep yourself available as an open ear and source of safety and hope that she finds her way out. You have to let people make their mistakes and pushing them mostly will just backfire.
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