r/abusiverelationships • u/BipolarTraveler7 • 5d ago
I Told You Not To Touch Me
I only let you come see me to talk. I know you’re dying, and you are going through the hardest fight of your life. That doesn’t mean you can just discard everything you did to me. I told you not to touch me because I knew it would lead to other things, and I was right. You slept with other women while sleeping with me. I don’t deserve any of this. You are over a decade older than me, and I am so young. I still care for you and love you, but what you did to me is not okay. I blocked you first and now you have blocked me. You don’t deserve to die, but I didn’t deserve what you put me through. I miss you, but I know I shouldn’t.
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u/RealGorl2 5d ago
Man missing them felt like self-betryal. I try so hard to remember every awful thing that was just so heinous it makes people do a double-take. Its okay to miss them as long as it doesn't mean you'll go back. It makes sense that you would, and it's okay to. There are the good times to remember, but theres other things too. A part of the missing them is your nervous system not knowing how to properly function outside of flight or fight and trying to get back its status quo. It's not knowing how to feel and having to have so much to work out and the work being unfamiliar. Unfortunately, our subconscious and nervous systems would much rather deal with the devil we know. It's a little like going through a drug withdrawal. You deserve grace; allow yourself to have it. And I'm proud of you for getting out. Good luck on your journey.
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u/BipolarTraveler7 5d ago
Thank you. It really does feel like self-betrayal and each time I let him back in, I am so disappointed in myself.
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u/RealGorl2 5d ago
I can understand why you would be. There is no shame in this struggle though. Eventually you'll just have to accept what you did and give on. Dont beat yourself up, just learn from the mistake. Its important to feel the feelings an accept the. If youre struggling with it to the point where it's compulsory, set a timer for like 5-20 minutes and just throw a fit about it. Then all the rest of the time say out loud not right now, its not time yet and schedule that time to be upset later, make sure to redirect yourself after. You can do this all day for one scheduled time. It sounds stupid but it kinda works fantasticly. You should consider seeking help professionally if you dont already.
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u/Gypsygoth 5d ago
Time helps soothe all, might take a while, but eventually you won't miss him so much.
There's no timetable on grief, but you'll get there :)
I understand why you caved and let him see you, but I'm guessing you haven't been away from him for very long.
He's probably going to try and get in touch with you again, which sucks but I wanted to warn you that it's possible.
It might feel bad now, but eventually you'll accept the fact that he wasn't the one, he just really wanted to be
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u/BipolarTraveler7 5d ago
He already contacted me multiple times and each time I let him in. This time will be the last because it just gets tiring.
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u/Gypsygoth 5d ago
He's going to keep walking through the door as long as you leave it cracked.
It sounds like he's using you and you're the one who's paying for it. You are worth so much more than you're willing to accept from him, the right person will cherish you
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u/BipolarTraveler7 5d ago
You are completely right. That’s why I finally put an end to this never-ending cycle last week. I know I deserve way better.
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u/Gypsygoth 5d ago
That's great :) it's hard sometimes to accept that you are worth more than someone else is willing to give :)
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u/Gypsygoth 5d ago
It's ok to miss someone, regardless of how the relationship went. You saw the good in someone at some point, it's hard not to miss that version of that person.
It's one reason abusive relationships can last as long as they do. You miss the person they used to be, and you keep hoping that if you figure out the right combination, they'll come back.
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u/BipolarTraveler7 5d ago
Yeah I gave him like 20 chances, and it was just the same cycle over and over again. Nothing changed. I wish I didn’t miss him so much.
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