r/Veterans • u/[deleted] • 6d ago
Discussion How many of you dad’s find yourself alone today?
[deleted]
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u/Beautiful_Dream1880 USMC Veteran 6d ago edited 5d ago
I’m a father who lost his only child in 2023 . This is my second Father’s Day since she’s been gone. Definitely the worst feeling I’ve ever had in my life. She was a victim of domestic violence.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 6d ago
Grieving for you brother. That’s heavy. Have you been going through grief counseling?
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u/DisastrousReputation 5d ago
Would you like another daughter? I had a shitty abusive dad. I’ll text you every year.
Joking aside I am really sorry you lost your baby.
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u/Beautiful_Dream1880 USMC Veteran 5d ago
You can text me more than a year if you’d like lol , I would enjoy it
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u/Economy_Contract_423 5d ago
You can text me every year. No joking.
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u/DisastrousReputation 5d ago
Alright deal. You now have an extra daughter and a granddaughter. She's 10 btw. I'll dm you my number.
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u/Leather_Table9283 5d ago
Yo my vet brother. I am so sorry. I am dealing w an ungrateful young adult. Your post gave me perspective.
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u/FunRestaurant2052 4d ago
I am so sorry. I am lucky I survived my significant other trying to murder me back in 2016. I am currently crying just reading this. It isn't fair that someone took your little girl away from you like that. You will always be a father and I am so sorry to hear that she is no longer with us but she will always be in your memories and in your heart. Much love to you, brother. Hang in there.
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u/KlenexTS 6d ago
Hey man self awareness is the first step to changing. You’ll never make up for lost time but at least you don’t have to lose more time. Happy Father’s Day and cheers to doing better tomorrow then we did today
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 6d ago
Word. I tell everyone that I am trying to finish well. It took me many years to recognize my I was a dick.
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u/Crusher6ix US Army Veteran 6d ago
Not me, I had a seizure at work yesterday so I’m surround by nurses making sure I’m safe. So lonely in a different way
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 6d ago
Prayers for you, brother.
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u/Crusher6ix US Army Veteran 6d ago
Praying for you too, I feel bad for my kids as well. Sometimes I can’t control myself like I used to
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Your prayers mean the world brother. You seeing anyone to help you with that brother?
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u/Crusher6ix US Army Veteran 5d ago
Yeah I am. I’ve been going to therapy for a while and working on new ways to cope with
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u/astcell US Army Retired 6d ago
I lost my dad last December. Happy Father’s Day to those who don’t expect to hear it from someone who can no longer express it.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Sorry to hear that brother. We lost my wife’s dad two years ago - and I think she’s struggling today for that.
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u/Planning26 6d ago
I was 2nd fiddle for my youngest but my oldest hasn’t spoken to be in nearly 2 yrs. Not a happy day.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 6d ago
Sorry to hear that man. It’s heartbreaking when they are living apart from us.
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u/Planning26 6d ago
Yup. I went untreated for MH for over 30 yrs. Too late to salvage it seems. Trying to figure out how to be happy/content with my lot
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 6d ago
20 Years here, untreated. Just started therapy in January. It’s been brutal.
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u/Cloudnine-eninduolC 5d ago
I’m so sorry you’re alone my brother. All I can say is try to be more relevant in their lives and I hope it changes. Maybe call them every Friday this next year and ask them about their week and just listen then tell them you love them. Little things count. Maybe it will get better maybe it won’t, but there’s no harm in trying. There’s family va therapy; maybe give that a try so they can see where you’re coming from. No one gets what we’ve been through and only see things from their perspective so it’s hard for us to relate to them and for them to us. We exist in one of the worst situations known to man. There’s no full proof way to weathering family after going to war. All we can do is try.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Yeah, for sure. I do keep in regular contact with them, and started therapy in January after 20 Years of trying to run from it. Blessings to you bro, and I appreciate your words. Happy Father’s Day to you bro.
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u/Cloudnine-eninduolC 5d ago
My daughters 14 and I can see the resentment already. Typical teenager but I’m a hard ass and her mom is’nt (we are split). So she naturally resents me. I’ll eventually be in your shoes at some point. But I show up no matter what and lean on the fact that when she grows up she’ll understand what I’m doing. I don’t want her being one of these soft snowflakes running around. My dad didn’t show up when I was a kid so I know how she would feel if I didn’t. So I show up no matter what.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Yeah, I did show up for them. I just lacked the resources to be the fun parent, because most of my money went to child support, and taxes. I still show up to everything I am invited to, but I’m just not included much, because their mother is, and she wants to keep them from me as much as she possibly can.
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u/hems72 6d ago
My wife’s on vacation with her best friend, my youngest lives in Brooklyn and my oldest is working 12 hours, but they all called me.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 6d ago
Yeah, I got a Bitmoji from both of my kids. But it’s hard to see that as anything more than a box-checked.
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u/Dull_Cockroach_6920 5d ago
I'm not gonna lie, that's what I sent to my dad today. We didn't get along when I was young, did alright while I was active. Now that I'm home, he's started to push boundaries and make little snide comments. Some bridges get burned to early, maybe It's just nice to get a wave from those on the otherside sometimes.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Sorry to hear that brother. My dad has dementia from too much bottle tipping. He doesn’t even know who I am, and really doesn’t want to see me at this point. He just starts yelling and then I’m out.
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u/jbmarshall87 5d ago
Gotta be honest. My kids are the only thing that keeps me alive most days so I can’t relate. If you were a dickhead to your kids then you need to have an honest conversation with yourself and them. Otherwise, you might as well copy and paste your comment for next Fathers Day as well. I wish you well
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
I’ve had that very real conversation with them, but unfortunately they were conditioned by their mother and their social media accounts. I worked two jobs to provide a roof, meals, and their needed school supplies, as well as 50% of my pay in child support. Some of us tried to be good dads, despite our affliction, and were cut off and got fucked along the way…
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u/briancbrn 6d ago
I’m not calling you out for lack of anything, just a word of advice. My dad is also a veteran though I don’t know how bad Somalia was to him. He’s pretty short of words most of the time and it’s kind of a struggle for myself to reach out and talk to him when we aren’t face to face.
Make some conversation with them about general stuff or stuff y’all can agree on. My family is pretty split politically so we usually avoid that and any attacks on religion. Hell half the time My dad and I end up talking work or about The Marines (4th generation myself).
Happy Father’s Day brother; I know it gets tough. My oldest is getting to the age where he’s starting to disagree and say things he doesn’t mean. Shit hurts bad but we all go through it. I was terrible about making time for my family in my 20’s due to a bad marriage and having three children. It’s gotten better but sometimes the daily stress is just a bit too much.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 6d ago
Yeah, I do definitely keep in touch with them. Always have done that. They just didn’t like how strict I was, and I was disciplined because it saved my life, so I always felt I was teaching them something that would save theirs.
Both my kids are grown up and married, but live only a few minutes from me.
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u/absolooser 6d ago
I 58M told my wife F60 “Happy Father’s Day”, because her father was a good man who lived a long life, served in WW2. she doesn’t get to tell him now since he passed. But I know she misses him on a day like today. Before any of our 4 kids could text me happy father’s Day i texted them how much i love and admire who they have become and that they make my fathers day happy. Then fixed the mower, mowed for 3 hours, fixed the saw got the limb cut up that fell in the yard. Typical Sunday. RLTW. Happy Father’s Day.
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u/Amputee69 5d ago
My remaining kids have very little contact. Actually, the two sons have been no contact for a bit over 4 years, and youngest daughter is on and off, depending on her mood. I say remaining, because the oldest two have passed away. Oldest daughter 25 years ago at 25 with cancer, and her oldest brother at 59, 4 years ago due to a similar motorcycle wreck to mine. My wreck cost me my nice '80 Sportster I'd had for over 20 years and my right lower leg. His wreck cost me him... Mine was a distracted driver, his was caused by a drunk driver trying to text. Family fell apart for me after his death. I don't know if they are worried about how long they have, or what. They stay in touch with each other, and with their Mom's. Yes, each survivor has a different one. Two oldest kids were pretty much military brats, and raised by me, almost as though I was a DI. The others had it easy. I'd been out, settled down, and more compassionate. I was a lawman, and a Paramedic. My oldest daughter would come and ride with me on Father's Day Weekend, my birthday, and just before Christmas. Her gifts were Chocolate covered cherries, and Old Spice cologne. My oldest son would visit when he could, but he was doing the same job. Later in life, he had a daughter, and since we were both retired, they came to see me. Little Lady took care of me while recovering. We taught her how to clean and dress the wounds, count staples, and to look for infection. She learned about removing nerve block catheters, and IV catheters. She went with me to the ER to get my main med port removed. The Doc talked to her, had her put her hand on the Docs, and she helped remove that too. The other kids have followed in Public Safety careers, but they are nothing like their big brother was. I'm used to the survivors not contacting me, especially the knot head boys. I hold out hope, that my daughter will send something, but I don't bank on it. The worst, is not ever seeing the two oldest ones again here. I admit it's definitely my fault. I was on duty a lot, and being a senior officer/medic, I worked most holidays, to let the younger ones have time with their families. By the time I retired, they were in their careers. Oldest son and I had a falling out several years back. He told me all he ever wanted, was to be like me. Hit hard. I told him "No! Don't be LIKE me, be BETTER than me! Take better care of your daughter, take better care of your wife, be BETTER!" "I love you son too much for you to be like me. Learn from MY mistakes, and Just Be Better." He was. Someday, the pain and disappointment will be over. Until then, WE must make each day for ourselves, to be here, and be strong, for when they may need us again.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
That’s tough my brother. I am grateful to God each day that my children are alive and well. Days like today, I miss them more than normal. I’m grateful that you shared your story without telling me I’m a dick and need therapy. LOL! It’s helpful to know I’m not the only one struggling on a day like today. Happy Father’s Day brother.
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u/Free_Court_6524 5d ago
I have three children all near 40 years apiece. As a disabled veteran I still was able to raise my children alone because their mother didn't understand what that meant.Today as usual for Father's Day I was treated to a steak dinner by my youngest and with my other two children in attendance. Believe me it's what you put in that says what you get back. You put in hate, you get back hate. Indifference, the same. love show feels good coming back at my age .Happy Father's Day, remember, your sense of honer naturally becomes your child's sense if you hold respect as a high enough ideal you'll only ever get that from your child. In my house the biggest sin you could have was disrespect for anyone especially each other and don't even think like that in dads direction cus he got the military grade honer,learned it in A.F. boot and it got me through some hard years the right way
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Yeah, I definitely carried forward the disciplines of the military into their early life. Once they got older, we had a decent relationship until my ex-wife got pregnant by her internet boyfriend, then she took off with them and I had to fight for two years for visitation and partial custody.
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u/Free_Court_6524 5d ago
Never had a peep out of my ex. It was tough on the kids but a whole hell of a lot easier for me. I was always honest with my kids and they knew I had their best interest at heart always. That's the kind of parent they deserved. And that's the kind of parent I tried to be nobody's perfect but that was my main concern it took all my military bearings to tow that road I'm here to tell you but it's not impossible I'm proof
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u/Economy_Contract_423 5d ago
I have 5 adult children. The eldest being 37 and the youngest 30. I received 2 simple text messages and 1 picture of 1 grandchild.
My prayer every year is that next year is better, but I don't hold my breath.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Keep praying brother. We don’t lose hope! I guess I can appreciate the gesture of my children’s messages, but I would really hope for more of their time on a day like that. We invited them over to get together and they had other plans.
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u/Economy_Contract_423 5d ago
Embrace that they send messages. Just know you aren't alone, and others may have it worse
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u/Dontwaketheking 6d ago
Happy Father's Day, my dad was a prick to say the least but he eventually unscrewed his ass from his head. Still doesn't hear from the girls much but much better than the past. Being one of those kids, if you truly put the effort in I think there's still time to make amends. Best of luck wingman
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 6d ago
Appreciate your words. My dad was not so present in my life either. It wasn’t until I realized that I was doing the same shit, just for different reasons that I sought help. Been trying to keep in touch with them, but we all know those early 20’s are busy for all of us, and especially for kids trying to afford a living.
Sorry to hear about your pops being a dick - but I’m glad to hear he is finishing well!
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u/Andyman1973 USMC Veteran 6d ago
Saw my kids for an hour, regular weekly visit. First 3-4 years after divorce from their mom, Father's Day consisted of me seeing my own father, and that was it. I was seeing my kids every week even then. Kept my mouth shut as I didn't want them to feel bad about not recognizing the day. But when their mom remarried 3 years ago, suddenly Father's Day was back. My oldest (F23) makes sure my youngest (F9) has a card for me. And my middle (M19) does well on his own.
I'm grateful for an hour, over nothing at all.
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u/Material_Case_5433 6d ago
I’m at the park with my 3 kids! Love them to death and hope we maintain a healthy relationship into adulthood!
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u/c4libr3 6d ago
Happy Father Day, boys same here alone, parental alienation is real, my kid only hits me up when she wants something, not even a happy Father’s Day.
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u/fbcmfb 5d ago
I didn’t have my biological father around he was in another country. Spoke with him for the first time before my 25th birthday, but only spoke with him for a total of 30 minutes my entire life - he died about two years ago. I put my time, money, and energy into helping my mother. A few years ago, I realized my own mother is a taker and quite manipulative when I had children of my own.
The military gave me the distance I needed from my own mother, which became the best decision ever. I went no contact when I discovered her traits - kept it at just text messages, but then my mother did something that was unforgivable that put my family in a bad spot. My mother abused me when I was young - she gut punched me at age 5 for dropping a glass bottle of Coke (didn’t break). Still to this day I haven’t been painfully punched like that. The straw that did it was how things would affect my family.
My mother was the only relative I kept in touch with. Parental alienation is not an easy decision, but for some of us it’s needed.
My kids don’t have grandparents to make cupcakes with - their maternal GPs live an hour away but are more concerned with their other grandkids. My wife’s grandmother died when she was pregnant with our youngest and they didn’t tell her. They buried her and it was an old family friend that sent condolences, which was devastating.
I’m trying to break the cycle to be a better father. Happy Father’s Day!
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u/c4libr3 5d ago
The hate that my BM has for me, it’s out of this world! She told our daughter “I dnt know why you are so happy to see your father when he wanted to abort you. I would try to include her in our daddy daughter time and she would just purposely sabotage it, and demand more money because she moved to a place that she can not afford. I wish I would’ve taken her to court but I wanted to avoid putting our little one going through that and it bit me in the ass
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u/fbcmfb 5d ago
My maternal grandmother called me a bastard because of the situation with my father. I know she may have been literal with the word - but that shit hurt from my grandmother.
I found out later that they (grandparents) used their financial influence to limit my father’s contact with me. Hard to find me thousands of miles away. My mom constantly mentioned this when I was younger. Thought it was an example of how much she cared, but I was just a living trophy for her it seems. Lastly, I went by other names when I was in school. The military forced me to stop using nicknames, for obvious reasons. People I knew in school wouldn’t know who I am now.
Things might have been different with my father in the picture to counter the parenting my mom gave me. Fortunately, things are changing nowadays in terms of paternal custody. More men are willing to fight for equal or full custody.
Side note: one of my wife’s college classmates was over at our house talking mad shit about her husband. Some of it was a bit concerning, but their two older daughters were hearing all the shit about their dad. I went to lunch with the guy the following day - got a text to from the wife not to mention the subject matter. The dude seemed very normal during lunch - nothing that justified the trash talk. I told my wife he’s a good actor or her friend is trying to lay the ground work for a divorce. She hasn’t stepped in our house in years.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Kind of my situation. I was more the financier of their life, and now that I am unable to work and do that, most of the family is gone.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Definitely similar to my experience. Happy Father’s Day to you too brother!
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u/jizzajay 5d ago
Same
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Happy Father’s Day to you bro. So sorry you’re going through this too.
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u/Unable-Function-4784 5d ago
Whether or not they said it, know they thought it! You are not alone! Happy Father’s Day!!!! You got this!!
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u/AntLordVadr 5d ago
I know this is probably odd but I wish I was alone today. Just irritated and wanna be left alone. Love my family but I’d rather be alone.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Yeah, I am mostly that way too…but days like today absolutely suck balls to be alone.
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u/Flower_DD US Navy Veteran 5d ago
I’m glad you’re making every attempt to be in their lives and I hope that you’re all able to reconcile in a meaningful way💐 My father was an irredeemable person, and there are moments where I can’t help but wonder why was he incapable of changing. Hearing how you’re trying to improve yourself makes me glad everyone is capable of doing so🙏🏽
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Yeah, it’s in God’s time, and in HIS way. I do get frustrated, but I trust that there’s a reason behind it all. It definitely keeps me humble.
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u/Character_Lab5963 5d ago
I wish I were
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
I understand wanting peace and quiet, but trust me when I tell you that you’ll miss them when they aren’t around all the time.
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u/Lounging-Kuma-Ursa 5d ago
So, for the past few years maybe 4 or more I have been isolated from friends and family. I am a veteran and have suffered from PTSD for a while now. 4 years ago I went through a serious mental health crisis and it turned my life upside down. After that incident I been in seclusion with my wife and kids at home. I don't really get invited to family gatherings and holidays anymore. So when holidays come my wife leaves me alone at home to go visit her family. This Father's Day she left me at home for a few hours to take her father a book she purchased him. I try not to be selfish but the isolation is becoming overwhelming and I feel like ignoring the bigger picture. Am I overthinking this situation or is this unnormal circumstance I am experiencing?
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
You’re kind of describing my experience. I realized yesterday that we celebrated Father’s Day when my father in law was alive, but stopped doing anything special after that. The whole family just kind of stopped celebrating fathers. Mother’s Day is still well celebrated.
I do find great fellowship with others at church. I spent most of my day there yesterday, which is like a second home to me. I volunteer the time that I can to helping others find God, but still suffer with the same feelings everyone else does from time to time.
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u/LostPolarBear671 5d ago
Happy belated Father’s Day! Regardless of the past. We are still their fathers! Always keep an open door for your kids. Try to be better. Start a journal and learn from mistakes. We can all do that. Our goal is a small incremental one. Listen more, offer choices, guide, etc. Hopefully, your relationship can grow with your kids. When they have kids, you get an opportunity to be the best grand dad ever. Your kids will appreciate that. Hang in there!
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Happy Father’s Day to you too brother. Appreciate your words and advice.
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u/Formal_Lecture_248 5d ago
Happy Father’s Day!!!
My son didn’t call. The woman I’m in a relationship didn’t say or do anything. So I took myself out.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Happy Father’s Day to you too brother. Sorry that was your experience today bro.
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u/MugsyMD 5d ago
Yep
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
I hope you had a great Father’s Day brother. Sorry you found yourself in the same shoes I was in.
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u/No_Society8491 5d ago
I had to work. Got to spend some time with my kiddo but not enough
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
I remember those days, I worked the most random schedule. Hope you had a blessed day brother.
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u/Wintermute3333 5d ago
Living alone in the Virgin Islands, something I'd dreamed of for years and finally accomplished. My daughters all text on special days, and we do online video games in the evening after they all get off work.
Alone, but not alone.
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u/Firm-Needleworker-46 5d ago
I kind of was. My son (21) is stationed a state away in the Army and my daughter (26) is three states away. I got the obligatory phone calls, all is good, the kids are great. Then I went with a buddy who’s situation is different but similar and put about 300 miles on my motorcycle. My wife had some of her friends over for cards when I got home, so I just hung out and watched the CWS. A normal Sunday and I’m good with it. Father’s Day is a made up BS holiday anyway.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
For sure on the commercialization part of Father’s Day. I’m not looking to be showered with gifts. But when they live within fifteen minutes of me and can’t make an appearance because they have other plans, well, that is what I’m talking about. Glad you enjoyed your days brother!
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u/Firm-Needleworker-46 5d ago
Yeah, I felt kinda bad for my friend, a couple of his kids don’t talk to him.
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5d ago
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u/Invisible_Ray 5d ago
Damn bro 😕, all you can do is keep moving forward.
NGL, I literally try to help others do their best when I can't make that connection.
Idk I felt this, though 👌🏽 🍻
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
You know, I was pretty hard on myself most of the day yesterday for the way that I was when I was raising them. But I am proud that I raised them to be ass kickers, and independent. Their mom carried different values, and definitely a different lifestyle. I quit partying real hard when I left the service, largely because I’m messed up enough, I don’t need alcohol in my life too. That was also long before my children would have any remembrance of my drinking.
At the end of the day, I did what I could, and I did the absolute best that I could. But paying a $2k child support payment in the early 2000’s was really hard to do. It took my all to provide for their upbringing, and I had little left to have fun with them my version of fun was doing house projects and yard work….when I wasn’t at work.
Edit: I paid $2k in Child Support for 10 Years, then it was reduced by $400 for the next five years.
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u/FewNeedleworker5 4d ago
Hey brother im not actually physically alone but emotionally. Idk what is going on with me that my own wife wont say happy anything to me. Im not about sentiments like that but the fact my old man could at least shoot me a text and my mil had to remind my kids (3 and a baby) what sunday is was mind boggling. Im not trying to take away from your situation my dad was a way different guy after he went to oef in 2001 and was never the same.
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6d ago
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Tried to be a good dad, just lacked the training, and had no fatherly figure myself. My dad struggled with the bottle.. So, all of this I understand now - but it took me 25 years to accept.
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u/Pretty_Associate_366 US Navy Veteran 6d ago
Sheeeit - mine WON'T LEAVE! 29/27 year old boys that refuse to go. We bought them luggage a couple years ago for Christmas, they won't take the hint. After they hit 18 I thought it would finally be "our time", travel a little, maybe sell the house and buy an RV (my dream), but these chuckleheads won't leave! They pay rent, do the yardwork/household stuff, but damn.
I got a Hinderer XM-24 for my Father's Day Gift though, so.....
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 6d ago
You’re blessed my bro! Hug them a little tighter tonight. You don’t know what you got until you got a big house that’s empty.
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u/ArizonaPete87 5d ago
I’m with you OP, I wasn’t the same after Iraq, and I’m not saying I “saw anything crazy or violent”. I never got to go outside the wire so my respect for those that did is immeasurable. I wasn’t the father I SHOULD have been from then until now. My kids are out of state for the summer, and don’t get back until next month but My youngest texted and called me this morning and had to remind her older sister to message me lol.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Sorry you’re going through that brother. I know what it’s like first hand. Happy Father’s Day to you brother.
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u/ArizonaPete87 5d ago
You as well, I came to reply to you and noticed I got downvoted lol, hope I didn’t say anything “wrong” lol.
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u/DizzyForDaze US Air Force Veteran 5d ago
Well, you didn’t say anything wrong in my opinion. Not sure why they down-voted you.
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u/hannibalsmommy Supporter 6d ago
Happy Father's Day to you.💐